Magnolia

Guilt is such a weird thing. It makes your stomach tighten and your heart rate double and it makes you sweat. I'd never really felt guilty before, because I'd always followed the rules. Two years of strict rules, plus plenty of years before that where my parents convinced me normal things like going to the movies or birthday parties were a waste of time. I'd always agreed with them and stayed home.

   Now, I felt guilty, but not for lying to my parents. I felt guilty for not going to see Presley's gig. I felt guilty for hanging up on him, because my mother was calling for me to join her for lunch.

   Being in his house, in his bedroom with the door closed, made me feel so good. It made me feel normal and happy. Being back at my house now made me feel angry and resentful.

   "Is your homework done?" my mother asked, as I entered the kitchen.

   I had wiped away my tears and washed my face before coming downstairs. I didn't need her seeing that I was upset. "Yes." 

   "Good. I didn't have time to look over your essays fully but I did a quick read. I will email them back with my concerns soon," she told me, as if we were talking about some sort of business deal. She'd never treated me like her daughter.

   "Great," I said, trying not to sound too irritated.

   She had set out muffins and croissants, her favourites. There was coffee, but she preferred I didn't drink it. I took a blueberry muffin and placed it in front of me, pulling out the chair to sit down.

   "I'm back on days mid week and your father will be on afternoons. I feel better knowing one of us is home a bit more, don't you?" she said, as if she actually cared about my answer.

   I wasn't about to tell her I wished they were never home. For years I wished they were home more often, that they were there to greet me after school or eat dinner with me. For years I wanted them to care about me, but they didn't. They controlled me but didn't make any effort to spend time with me. Now? Now she wanted to start this?

   "Yeah, sure," I said, ripping the muffin in half. "I'll be staying after school most days, actually. STEM and student council."

    "You are doing both? Will you be able to do it all, Maggie?"

   I hated that she called me Maggie because it sounded like she was talking to a child.

   "It'll look good on my application. I have about a month to get that sent off and then things will be a bit more... open." I tried talking to her how she wanted me to talk. I tried to just say what she wanted me to say.

   "That dance... homecoming... that's this week, right?" she asked, changing the subject.

   "It is." I was curious why she was asking.

   "Do you plan to attend? I will be home that evening. Is it important to you?"

   Now she wanted to know what was important to me? "It's not important."

   "But your friends will be going? You don't want to try to do something fun for once?" It really felt like she was testing me, and I didn't like it.

   "Fun?" I said, holding back a bit. "You've never let me do anything fun."

   "Oh, Maggie, don't be dramatic. This is a school event, so it'll be perfect okay. As long as you're home by 10P.M."

   I wanted to yell at her and tell her that I didn't want to go because it was for the jocks and the cheerleaders. It was for the kids who had a social life and who were allowed to be normal. It was for the kids who didn't have to be home at 10P.M.  But I swallowed hard and thought about it for a second. She was giving me a chance to go out during the week. I didn't have to go to my homecoming dance.

   "Okay," I said instead. "Maybe I'll go."

  Yasmin knocked on the front door awhile later, a smirk on her face. She must have just gotten back from her lunch. "We need to talk."

   "About what?" I asked, keeping my voice down.

   "Last night."

   I reached out and covered her mouth, then pushed her back outside and over towards the chairs, on our front deck. We would still have to be quiet, but at least my mother couldn't hear us out there. She was getting ready for work, I knew that.

   "What did you and Presley end up doing? I saw him drop you off at midnight," Yasmin continued as if this was no big deal.

   "You were spying on me?" I asked, then let out a laugh.

   "Of course," she agreed. "So?"

   "We went to his house," I whispered. "I met his mom. She's so sweet. And we... went to his bedroom, and he played me a song-"

   "Wait, what? You were in his bedroom?" She practically yelled this, so I smacked her arm. "He played you a song, how?"

   "He plays guitar. He sings," I whispered.

   "That's romantic. God, I am not allowed in Jakob's bedroom. His mom thinks I'm going to rip off his clothes and... never mind," Yasmin giggled.

   "It all felt so surreal," I admitted. "But we talked, a lot. We kissed."

   She practically had heart eyes when she squeezed my arm. "Oh my god. This is so... wow. I just never thought..."

   "I know."

   "So, your mom's home today?"

   I nodded. "She leaves in an hour."

   "Invite Presley over. We can do a barbeque or something? Jakob wanted to hang out anyway-"

   "Yas... I don't think I can."

   "Why?"

   "You know my parents. They have people watching the house. Neighbours, cops, even. They will find out, and everything will be-" I was breathing too fast and close to a break down.

   "Woah, chill out. It's kind of scary how much you worry about that," she said, but smiled.

   "I can't ruin this, Yas. I can't. I have to be more careful."

   "So you don't get to see him? That's better than risking getting caught?" she wanted to know.

   "For now, yeah," I agreed.

   Yasmin sighed. "I hate this for you. So much."

   "I know. But I'm trying to make a plan. Tuesday after school, can you take me to his house? I told my mom that I have STEM, but it doesn't start until Wednesday. And Thursday is homecoming, so I can see him until 10P.m.."

   "You're skipping homecoming to see him?" Her eyes were wide but she grinned anyway. "I'm proud of you."

   "I have to have a plan for this to work. But I want it to work."

   Yasmin didn't have a chance to answer before the door opened. My mother poked her head out and looked at me and then to Yasmin.

   "I thought I heard voices out here."

   "Hi Mrs. Upton," Yasmin said in a sing-song voice.

   "Hello, Yasmin. Maggie, come inside please." She was so stiff and uptight, she didn't even smile at my best friend.

   I nodded at my mother and flared my nostril in Yasmin's direction. She jumped up and waved before going down the steps of the porch and crossing over to her own yard. I watched her go up the stairs and into her house, not looking back.

   Inside the house again, I just crossed my fingers that she hadn't heard any of our conversation. She was dressed in her scrubs, her hair pulled tight into a low pony tail. Her eyes were like chocolate and her lips so thin and tight.

   "Stay in tonight," she said quickly. "There's some books I left out that might interest you, in the family room. Get to bed early, get a good night's sleep. Busy week ahead, right?"

   I couldn't answer all of her questions even if I'd wanted to. I always stayed in, except if I went to Yasmin's. But she was telling me not to even do that. I knew it was my dad that really had people watching the house and there was even a chance that that they knew I'd left the house Friday and Saturday nights. They were the type to keep their secrets and use them against me when they saw fit. She wasn't looking at me as if she knew anything, though.

   "Yes," I said, leaving it at that.

   "It'll all be worth it, Maggie. You'll see," she said seriously, as if that was going to make me feel better about living like a hermit.

   I'd believed it would be worth it. I'd trusted that they knew what was best for me, for a long time. But that was before Presley. That was before I was given a chance to experience a life that was exciting and good. They'd sheltered me from so much but I wasn't going to let it continue. Not now.

   I hope your gig went well. I'm sorry I missed it, I texted Presley, long after my mom was gone to work.

   He didn't reply for a long time, and I felt like maybe I'd actually upset him by hanging up earlier.  I watched part of a movie and started a book - no one of the boring ones my mom left out. I ate some yogurt, and stared at my phone.

   When it finally buzzed, I felt every hair on my body stand up.

   Hey. Thanks, it was good. I am at my grandma's for dinner. Can I call you in a bit?

   Of course, yeah, I sent back quickly.

   I could tell him to over, tonight. I could let him know I missed him already and needed to see him. I needed to know that what we were doing was real. But I had a plan, and it made sense to stick to it. He would agree to Tuesday after school and Thursday while I was supposed to be at homecoming. I knew he would.

   So when he called me that evening, I was in pajamas and laying in bed. It was early but I'd already snuck over to Yasmin's to have a bowl of ice cream and complain about my mother. When my phone rang, I reached for it right away.

    "Hello?"

    "Good evening madame," he said then laughed. "Sorry... my grandma gave me wine with dinner."

   "Your grandma?" I asked, shocked. But then I realized how ironic this was. His mom was sweet and kind. His grandma gave him wine. With dinner. My parents treated me like a toddler.

   "Yes. She says it's good for everyone to have a glass now and then," he cooed then laughed again. "I just got home."

   "Tuesday," I spat out. He was quiet. "After school? I told my mom I have STEM."

   "You don't?"

   "It's Wednesday. Bu can you meet me at my school?"

   "On Tuesday?" he asked, but sounded disappointed. "I have to work after school."

   "Oh."

   My plan was ruined already. Why did I think he'd be waiting for me to tell him when and where? He had a life, unlike me.

   "Can you get to the music store? I'll send the address? You can hang out for a bit? Bon won't care."

   It wasn't what I had been thinking, but it had to be good enough. "Okay. Yasmin could drive me."

   "Yeah?" He sounded surprised.

   "Yeah. It's a plan," I said, my voice shaky.

   "I can't wait," he told me. Then with his voice a bit quieter he added, "to kiss you."

   My eyes drifted closed as I imagined that I was there with him, in his bedroom. It was crazy that I wanted to rush this. I wanted to move fast and make up for lost time. I wanted to be with him instead of being alone. He made me feel like that was actually possible, and I was afraid of letting myself believe it.