"There's no such thing as love—you're mistaking physical attraction for it—" There was no mistaking the coldness in her voice. I knew in that moment that she actually believed this. Even though, I had lost all right to her trust—it seemed impossible for me to stop loving her. It was driving me insane. Zaira, was driving me insane and I felt I'll soon lose all control.

Her face was still turned away from me and all I could see was her bare neck—with her hair pulled up into a bun. I knew I had to stop, but it didn't seem likely that I could stop this time.

I wanted to pull away but I couldn't seem to. My senses had been seduced and I couldn't think straight except let her entice me. My hands captured her small, fragile hands in mine, interlacing my fingers with hers.

"If that's what I desired, then I would have already devoured every inch of you by now—and there was nothing you could have done to stop me—" My breath came in shallow gasps against her bare skin and before I knew it, I had captured her neck in a kiss.

Instantly she jerked towards me with a gasp, but I took no notice of it. I wanted more. This was still not enough. I pressed against her, pushing her back to the marble and before she could resist, I freed my one hand and took her face in it. My hand capturning the side of her neck in desperation.

I kept my mouth pressed against the sweet, warm skin of her neck; sucking and biting in yearning. And before she could get a chance to push away, I wrapped my other hand around her waist; pulling her against my chest with a jerk. I heard her moan before her hands reached up to push against me.

It was a futile attempt because instead of letting her go, I began to drop kisses along the side of her neck; my tongue tracing the spot I just left my mark on. But I couldn't go on, when I felt her body go limp in my embrace and she whimpered against my ear.

"—rayy-an—please—" I heard the sob in her voice as she dropped her hands to her sides helplessly. I knew she didn't love me back, but I couldn't let go.

Losing my grip on her, I dropped my hands to my sides and slumped against her. I let my forehead fall against the space between her neck and shoulder, but it took me a while to be able to say anything.

"Why—why am I so hateful to you—Zaira—" I felt my voice cracking with unshed tears. My mouth trembling against her skin when I felt the saltiness of my own tears.

"Why—why can't you love me—? why—" I whimpered before wrapping my hands against the small of her back. I thought I would fall apart, if I didn't lean on her.

"—Rayya—n" I heard her voice trembling with sobs and felt her hands reach up to touch my back. I was aware of my head shaking in no before I could protest.

"What can I do to change your heart—" I began to pull away from her, only to take her face in my hands. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her gaze held only misery. She watched me through tears for only a moment before turning away with a scoff.

"You want to change this? Change us?" She returned with a cold bitter laugh.

"Then erase that day—Go back in time and take back your lie! If you do that and erase the last 12 dreadful years of my life then I'll be whatever you want me to be—Can you do that? Huh? Can you, Rayyan?" She whimpered through trembling lips before wrenching free of my hold. I gaped at her in shock but before she was able to brush past me I clutched her wrist.

"Zaira—!" I tried saying but she brutally jerked her hand away.

"Stop it! Stop it Rayyan!! Don't you get it?!!
I CANT TRUST YOU! I don't trust you!" She screamed through tears and I felt someone squeezing my heart in a tight grip while I gaped at her taken aback.

"Love?! What the hell is that? How do I believe you—when I don't even believe in love? I don't know what love is, so how can I love you?" She sobbed and turned her gaze down. I could only stand in my place and watch her breakdown in front of me; unable to do anything to ease her pain. The pain that I had myself inflicted on her. So how could I soothe it?

"Zaira—" I tried to get closer but she raised a hand to me.

"Do you have any comprehension of the pain your lie caused me? I was sitting there breaking apart yet, hopeful that your truth could save me. Can you imagine how hurt I was after hearing that lie from your mouth? To you it might've been one harmless lie but do you have any idea what it did to me? Do you know how I have been burning in the fire lit by your one lie for the past decade—?" Her sobs had once again broken lose and she hid her face in her hands. I trembled in my place watching her fall apart and unable to do anything but watch.

"Zaira—I know I ruined everything—but how can I tell you how sorry I am—I haven't even once forgotten about my sins—I really wish there was a way I could tell you how much I want to go back and take away everything—I—" At that moment, all I wanted to do was wrap her frail figure in my arms and make her pain go away. Make everything right for this person crumbling in front of me. But how could I do that, when I myself had wrecked her with the worst torture. She looked up at my words, her eyes raw and hurt but resolute as she began with quivering lips.

"I am sure—I am sure, you're sorry—I believe you—but I am sorry that it means nothing to me. Your apology does me no good—I have no need for it. I might not have any physical scar left to show for that hurt but the scar on my heart will never allow me to put my trust in anyone again. Your lie showed me the worst possible face of every relation, now I don't dare trust anyone—" She averted her gaze to the ground; her sobs were the only thing breaking the silence. I gawked her helplessly for a long moment before getting the strength to take a step towards her. She flinched but didn't pull away, when I took her face in my hands and made her look up at me.

"Tell me—tell me what is it that I can do to make it right—? Tell me how can I earn your forgiveness—" I blinked through tears awaiting her response but she only shook her head and pulled away my hands.

"Even if I knew how to forgive you—I don't know how to get over it—If only you had spoken the truth at that time—Maybe—maybe—we wouldn't be standing here in so much pain right now. Your lie took away everything from me Rayyan. Everything! Your lie did more damage than Hafsa's. I could have still lived with her accusation but it wasn't possible to live with your witness to her lie—" Once again she looked away from my pleading gaze.

"But—I love you Zaira—" I gasped, unable to think anymore. Her eyes found mine. They held nothing—nothing but distrust.

"Don't love me Rayyan. I can't love you back. I have no room in my heart for any love. For anyone. My parents claimed they loved me—but you don't hurt the person you love—I can't love anyone Rayyan. I can't accept your love. Please—you're only going to hurt yourself." Her voice broke with tears but she didn't stop.

"Then tell me what should I do? How do I stop loving you? How do I stop caring for you? Zaira—I'll do everything right this time—please—just give me one more chance—" I tried to come closer but she held me off.

"Don't Rayyan— please—! I have put myself back together with great effort and I can't let you destroy everything again—I can't have you break my heart again—and this time I won't be able to move on—because I am already at my limit—Please—! Just stop Rayyan—please—!" She begged before me and without hearing another word, dashed past me and locked herself in her room.

Leaving me alone with guilt and hatred.

———————————

"Why are you hiding here? You don't want to play with us?" The 8 year old me, looks up from my face hidden between my knees. I notice a little girl standing over me, gawking at me with wide brown eyes.

" I can't—nobody wants to play with me—" Once again, I hid my face from her.

"Why—?" I heard her voice laced with worry as she squatted next to me. For a moment, I sit quiet.

"Because—because I am different." I look up through tears and find her observing me with curious eyes. Her eyes lit up and she opens her mouth slowly.

"Yea—you're pretty." She nods her head slowly, as if confirming the most serious truth.

"Pretty?" I quaked out, surprised.

"Yea—your eyes, your hair, your face—very pretty." She ogles me solemnly. At her words I hide my face again and cry.

"Wha—why— are you crying—"

"I miss my mom."  I answer without looking up.

"Your mom? Why? Where did your mom go?" Her inquiry was innocent.

"To Allah." I give her the reply which Nanna always told me. Suddenly, she nudges me. I look up to find her holding out a pink flowery napkin. I take it gingerly.

"Dua Allah— Bua says to ask Allah whatever you want." She gives a simple solution and holds out her hand in demonstration. I look away with a shake of head before sniffing in the napkin.

"No?" She inquires with shock brimming in her bead like eyes. I only shake my head.

"Bua said Allah can do aaaaaanything—Bua lied? " She tilts her head; eyes filling with hurt of betrayal. I look away with a sigh. For a few moments she only silently observes me. Then as if she realises something she fishes out something from the pocket of her frock.

"Here! I have this only—left—" she holds out a chocolate in front of me, watching me with a toothy grin in anticipation.

"I like you! Play with me?" She says finally.

With a jerk, I opened my eyes. For a few moments I sat in my place confused, before the realisation hit me.

Zaira

I picked up my phone from the coffee table, which I had left there before dozing off on the couch. For a few moments, I sat there with the heel of my palms pressed against my eyes. I had dreamt about my earliest memory of her. It was still very vivid.

Before realising what I was doing, I had stepped inside her room. It wasn't completely dark, the moonlight streaming through the open curtains showed me a view of her sleeping profile. Her back was turned to me.

I would have thought she was sleeping, if I couldn't hear her sobs. With a long sigh, I went around the bed and laid down next to her.

She didn't open her eyes but I could see the tears on her cheeks. With trembling hands I wiped away her tears but she never stirred.

A lone tear escaped her eyes and slid down the bridge of her nose before getting soaked into the bed.

"Please forgive me?" My plead came in a whisper and I noticed her lips quiver.

"Please accept me?" I begged again. She sniffed but said nothing. Closing my eyes I touched her forehead with mine. She let me.

"Please let me love you?" I pleaded and a sob escaped her mouth before she brought a shaky hand to clutch mine.

"Please Zai?" I blinked and let my tears fall on her cheeks.

"Please just stay by my side? Please?" I choked on my words but before I could say anything more, she crashed against my chest. Her sobs getting lost in mine as she tightly wrapped her arms around me. I let her cries get soaked in me before pulling her into my tight embrace.

A promise to never let her go again.

Please don't forget to vote & comment, if you enjoyed reading. Thankyou :)