I've noticed that, despite an adult exterior, whenever fears or my most inner pain comes to the forefront of my consciousness the voice often takes shape in that of a child. A small child. A small, scared, crying child.

It will ask questions in a small voice. Most of the questions my adult brain will know the answer to but this child will still ask anyway.

It will also make statements. Statements that could only ever sound right in the voice of a child. If an adult were to say them, society would frown upon it even though it likes to tell the lie that it is accepting.

There is another voice, however. An angry one. An angry adult who likes to scream.

It too asks questions, though it knows the answer to them. It asks questions in a harsh tone usually followed by a longer passive-aggressive dialogue.

This one makes demands. It seethes. It roars and throws things.

This voice is also scared. But, instead of being upfront, it likes to hide behind a wall of fury. Afraid of letting anyone in.

Unlike the child who would welcome someone to comfort it, the adult must be convinced to let the guard down. To be pacified.

The third voice is usually drowned out. The small, but rational and authoritative voice that knows right. The one I should always listen to but fail to give a microphone. The one that is comforting. The one that knows everything will be alright. The one that can settle all questions and dowse out the fiery anger. The one that is peaceful.

Once the other two throw their fits then the third can speak, almost like an afterthought though this should not be so. When I'm already worn and tired, sore from the battering, I finally give the third a microphone. And I tend to feel better. But I never learn.

These voices rattle my mind. Their screams and cries ricocheting off the walls of my skull. All the while I stare, smiling, at people, places, off in the distance, as I hopelessly try and give the impression that all is quiet.

I'll look at my friends, knowing that usually they can make the screaming stop, but recently when I see them I hear two voices sobbing between my ears, "Please, don't leave me."

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Eternally Yours,

~ Phoenix