For lack of a better term, I am in love with a fuckboy.

Undercut, crooked smile, wicked eyes- him.

Sitting in class, bored out of his mind, already imagining a basketball in his hands, running around the court, stopping defenders in their tracks with his handles and flashy passes. Playing video games during break times, hanging out with his friends in the cafeteria, and using people guiltlessly.

Caring only for his younger sister and his own image. Him, with that goofy smile that lets him get away with anything and that fiery temper.

He had a temper and he didn't like being the butt of jokes, although he was a total bully himself.

I thought he was gay at first. I told my friend about that and he said, "psh, you'll be saying that at first, and then you'll be saying you're in love with him next."

And he was right.

Because, the person I loved gave me signs.

Signs that said, "I like you, don't you like me?"

Holding my hands, complimenting me, lending me his prized hoodie, spending time with me, glancing at me.

I thought he liked me.

We sat together in class and he could never fail to brighten up my day. A crappy day would turn into a good one just because I was able to talk to you or just because I was able to see you.

My friend wanted to ask him for his jersey just so she could give it to me because I was too shy.

My friend wanted me to confess to him because of all the praise I would shower upon him.

But I know deep down, that he does not like me in the same way I like him.

I know that he sees me as 'convenient' and 'useful'. I know I am just one of the many girls he can take his pick of. And I am not even in his top 10.

He is a fuckboy.

Fuck.

I'm so stupid.

Because despite everything.

Despite all the praise I say about him, despite all the negativity that swirls around him, despite all of my promises to myself to stop liking you, despite of all of my vows to tell you my feelings.

I still love you.

And all I want is for you to like me back.

And if not, then please take away all of your praise, and touches, all of your glances in class, all of your smiles and kindness, take all of it away, because that has ruined me far too much.

You have ruined me.

And the stupid part is, I would let you do it all over again.

If it just meant that you would like me back or even give me a sliver of your attention or time.

See what you've reduced me to?

And I do not even feel the slightest bit of pity or sadness. I do not even cry.

Because you've even taken that away from me.