LOGANS POINT OF VIEW

Tears pricked my eyes as I looked at the door to my boyfriend's hospital room. The doctor had told me an hour ago that he would be alright. I should have felt relieved, but until I know Izzy will be alright, I couldn't bring myself to feel anything but broken. They were my lifelines. The two of them and Emma were what kept me floating in the depths of my heartache. And there was so much of it these days. They told me Teo had a concussion, and a broken wrist, but other than that he was alright. I knew he was alright.

Yet I feared when I opened the door, I wouldn't see that. I couldn't stand to see someone I loved so much in pain. But he needed me. The doctor said he'd been asking for me since he woke up this morning. I've been here for almost 36 hours straight. Tyler tried to get me to go home, take a shower, and get some sleep, but I knew I wouldn't get a moment's peace until I was sure they were both alright. We haven't heard much about Izzy yet. She was stable an hour ago, but not enough for us to see her.

They said she got it bad. Worse than Teo. I heard one doctor say it was a miracle she was even still alive after that. He said it like she wouldn't be much longer. But she would. She had to be. I couldn't lose her, or Teo. I simply couldn't do it. I took a deep breath as I braced myself, pushing the door open slowly. His mom sat on one side, gripping his hand tightly. His dad leaned against the wall in the corner, watching me as I stepped in. I have known the Gately's since I was nine years old when I and Teo first met.

They were like my replacement family after my Mom left and Dad died. They always made sure I and the rest of my siblings had everything we needed, and they were a big help to Tyler when he first got custody.

"Hi sweetheart," Mrs.Gately said softly, standing up from the couch. She came over and wrapped her arms around my torso. I hugged her back gladly. She was more of a mother to me than mine ever was. I certainly loved her like a Mom.

"You doing okay, baby?" She asked.

I sighed shakily and looked at her. "I'll be fine. As soon as I know Izzy's alright, I'll be fine."

"Logan, I'm sure everything will be fine. We're here for you no matter what." His dad leaned off the wall and clapped me on the shoulder. They knew all about Izzy. I had been using them and Teo as my therapists since she came back, but they never seemed to mind. They thought of me as a son as much as I thought of them as parents.

"I'm sure it will, Mr.Gately," I muttered. We all heard someone clear their throat behind us, and turned to see Teo watching me expectantly.

"Mom, Dad, can you give us a minute please?" Teo asked. The pair nodded and left the room, each with another wish of luck for Izzy.

"Hey baby," I whispered, sitting down gently on the edge of his bed. He looked tired, and sad, but smiled at me nonetheless.

"Hi, honey." He said, taking my hand in his own. He had a bruise on his eye, making the lid swell up, his lip was raw and tender. I put a gentle hand to his cheek, and he cupped his own over it. "Are you okay?"

I laughed softly. "I should be asking you that." He shrugged. "I'm okay Log. Is Izzy alright?" I could see the worry etched in the lines of his face. Teo was a natural worrier, and I knew how much he already cared for Izzy. He had been helping me understand her since I took Izzy over there the other day. He thinks she's depressed, and after explaining to me what depression looks like in kids, it matched Izzy perfectly. It killed me to think a child so young could be suffering so much, but it killed me more to know that her suffering was not over yet. That I couldn't take it away no matter how much I wanted to. It's such a hard thing to see someone you love struggle in a way that cannot be helped. Especially someone so innocent and undeserving.

I shook my head, unable to form words through the lump in my throat. "She's not good, T. Not good. I can't- I don't-'' Teo grabbed by the hand and squeezed gently.

"Baby, it's gonna be okay." He whispered, kissing my knuckles. "It's gonna be okay, I promise." I nodded, and Teo pulled me down so I was lying beside him. I tried to ease my tears as my head rested on his chest, my boyfriend's arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me impossibly close. "When I was drifting in and out, you were my only thought." He whispered. "All I could think of was what it would feel like to lose you."

"I wasn't the one in the Ambulance, Teo." I remembered softly. He smiled down at me but didn't say anything, instead of shaking his head and pressing his lips to mine.

"How are the rest holding up?"

I sighed. I had barely checked on my siblings since yesterday. Aside from Emma and Tyler, none of them had checked on me either. I think they were a little scared of me after the way I blew up on Liam, though I don't regret a thing I did. I wasn't sure if I still thought the crash was Liam's fault, but everything else was his fault. It made me sick to think of the way my older brother had treated Izzy, and now, he may never get the chance to make it right with her, and I can't forgive him until he does. He can apologize for all he wants, but it will never be my apology to accept.

"Well, Emma's been crying for 36 hours, Nolans busied himself with her and won't talk, Tylers been pacing for hours, Finn had a panic attack a while ago, Jace and Henry are talking to each other, and Liam's puked four times in the last two hours and I'm a fucking mess. So great."

He laughed, but there was no real humor in it. "Everythings gonna be okay, Logan. You'll see."

It has to be okay.

THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE

Death is light. Death is full of bliss and peace. Death is empty in the best way. Death is what we all live for, whether we know it or not. Most fear it. Some long for it. Some take it without complaint. I had never felt so light and free. So sweet and empty. This is what I imagined when I thought of death. Escape. Freedom. I had never felt so weightless and unshackled. Like I was floating. It was so nice. It was so clear. It was so good. Too good. I should have known it wouldn't last. Emptiness. I could feel it filling. Filling with pain and affliction. Filling with anxiety and grief. I could feel my emptiness slipping away.

I clung to it as best I could. I wanted to feel nothing. This time, I wanted to stay in my nothing state. Stay away from everything that hurts. I couldn't hurt anymore. I couldn't. I couldn't speak another word without all of it crashing down. I clung to it for so long. I didn't want to let it go. My emptiness was filling. My peace was falling away like a puzzle I was never meant to solve. My bliss turned into the sand in an hourglass. Grain by grain, it all fell away. And there was no hanging on this time.

My eyes were open but I didn't feel a thing. The weight returned to my body. The breath returned to my lungs. I was alive, yet I had never felt so dead. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. I could see people rushing around me, panic strangling the air I tried to breathe. Men and women alike rushed around, pulling at tubes, mouths moving too fast for my flurried brain to keep up with.

My brain was so foggy. I couldn't remember why I was here. I couldn't remember anything at the moment. A woman stood over me. Her lips were moving but I heard nothing. I felt nothing. I felt everything. I couldn't tell what I felt or what I didn't. The woman waved her hand in her face. I looked at her. She pointed to her ear. She was saying something. I closed my eyes. I tried to remember what happened. My brain felt blank and empty. I tried to remember anything. Isabelle. My name is Isabelle.

That rang clearly in my mind. The woman smiled at me but I could tell it wasn't real. My head hurt so much. My chest was tight. I tried to breathe. I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. The woman was speaking again. My chest rose and fell rapidly. She put her hand in mine. I tried to hear, I tried to think. My name is Isabelle.

I clung to the small piece of information as tightly as I could. My head was pounding. I felt someone grab my hand. I looked up to see a new face. Tyler. I felt sobs rack my body at the familiar person. I couldn't remember anything, but I remembered him. And that was enough for me right now. He cupped my face, guiding my gaze down to him. His lips moved. I began to cry harder when I realized I couldn't hear what he was saying.

Or maybe he wasn't saying anything. Maybe none of this was happening. Maybe I was losing my mind. My hands went to my ears to block out nonexistent sounds. Tyler pulled my hands down and held them tightly in front of me as if he was trying to keep me in place. The feeling was returning in my body, and I hated every second of it. I was no longer floating.

I couldn't help but wish I was. My thoughts were too loud, the world was too quiet, it was all too much. I could see, and practically feel the chaos, but I could hear any of it. The woman from before said something to Tyler, and his face twisted in pain and sorrow, but he nodded. I searched for breath in my airless body, panic seizing my lungs when I found none. Then, slowly, I began to feel heavy again. So very heavy.

Tyler gently guided my body to lay back down on the bed. He cupped my face with one hand, holding my hands with the other. I saw a tear slide down his face. I tried to remember what happened.

My brain felt foggy. My mind was slipping away again.

It felt much nicer than it should.

THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE

They keep asking me how I feel. I don't know how to respond, so I don't. I don't say anything, even though I can now. I felt a little better than the last time I woke up. A little less foggy, a little less panicked. I still couldn't hear anything. Tyler told me it was a brain injury. He said I hit my head in a car crash. I didn't remember a car crash.

The last thing I remember was sitting in Teo's living room after I saw Thomas in the coffee shop, but even that seemed foggy. Tyler told me all this by writing it down in a notebook. Reading hurts. Seeing hurt. My brain itself was throbbing in pain. I had a concussion too. A bad one if the looks of my brothers were anything to go by. Every time I blinked I saw at least one of them hold their breath, as if I may never open my eyes again. I felt far away. I felt detached and empty. More than usual. Everything and nothing hurts. I was so empty and so full. I couldn't decide if this was the worst pain I had ever felt or the best nothing I had ever experienced. Everything felt wrong. Nothing quite made sense.

I couldn't explain how I felt, even to myself. It just felt wrong. Off, bad, not what I wanted. They were all in here. They had been for maybe an hour now. Staring at me like a circus attraction. I didn't have the energy to the mind. I didn't have much energy at all. My mind, usually so fast-paced and panicky, felt utterly numb.

Logan sat on one side of me, clamping his hand around mine so tight I wondered how it wasn't blue. He had written down that Teo was okay when he first came in. I felt a little better to know I was not responsible for a death. This was my fault. All of it was my fault.

Emma sat on my other side, a softer, more fearful grip coming from my twin. Like she was afraid I would crumble away if she squeezed too hard. I felt like I had crumbled away. Like the final straw had been pulled and there was nothing left. Anywhere. There was nothing. Nothing seemed to be the only answer to the question of how I was feeling. Nothing was the only word that came close to explaining everything.

Tyler tapped my leg. Slowly, my eyes dragged up to him where he held the notebook with a blue pen scribbled on it in an almost illegible font. "Does anything hurt?" I noticed the nurse had come in while I was lost in my head. The same one from earlier. She looked on at me with heavy, sad eyes, that told me perhaps I was worse off than they were letting me know. I pointed to my head. Tyler stared at me for a second, but seemingly understood and turned to say something to the nurse.

I felt a hand on my cheek. I turned to look at Logan whose smile was so forced I wondered if it hurt. He said something. I don't think he quite understood that I couldn't hear anything. I don't think I quite understood either. You never realize how loud the world is until it goes silent. I stared at him with new tears welling up in my eyes, as I silently willed my ears to cooperate. But they didn't. The silence persisted. Logan watched as I sat back against the hospital pillow and diverted my eyes to the ceiling.

I could feel all their eyes on me. I wish I knew if they were saying anything. I didn't think they were though. None of them seemed to have much interest in speaking since they'd gotten in here. Nolan was sitting next to Emma, an arm around her shoulders, Tyler sat beside my feet watching me like a hawk, Jace sat beside him, a forlorn expression that didn't match his personality plastered on, Henry hadn't looked at me once, and Liam leaned against the far wall and watched me emotionlessly.

Or like he didn't know what emotion to feel. I would guess he felt guilty. He shouldn't. He should know by now, that I would forgive him if he asked for it. They should all know that I would give forgiveness to even the most undeserving. With the expectation of a few people, there was no one I had the energy to stay truly mad at. No one could hurt me more than I already hurt. No one worth the energy anger took.

Logan gently turned my chin so I was looking into his eyes. He didn't say anything this time. But he didn't have to. I gently took my hand away from Emma and held them to him, and Logan reciprocated quickly. What I wouldn't give to have been able to hear him whisper 'It'll be okay in my ear at that very moment. And the tingling feeling of warm air against the side of my face told me he just might have.

But the words mean nothing anymore.

Every time someone said it would be okay, the worse things got. I kept thinking I would be okay eventually, and maybe I would, but I'm getting so tired of waiting. It feels like I'm waiting for gold to fall in my lap. Something so unreachable and unattainable that I will never reach the end of this tortuous path of self-destruction I'm on.

Tears ran down my cheek landing on his t-shirt, and his on my hospital gown-clad shoulder. I tried to say I was sorry. For all of this. It's all my fault, and it will always be my fault. But the words didn't come. Nothing came. Logan didn't let me go for a long time. I was grateful for every second he held me. Crumbling on the inside.

Any and all resolve I have ever had to stay strong was so far gone, it made me feel physically sick. It made me feel like prey in the world because the weak are weeded out. And I was so weak. In every way I could be, I was weak. Eventually, Emma switched positions with Nolan, who took his turn smiling falsely at me. I could not even attempt to fake a smile. Not today, and not tomorrow. But someday, I will. Someday I know I will go back to pretending to be okay. Just like I always did. I would say I was alright and will it to be true, and it never would be.

But for right now, I cannot hide from the truth. From how far from okay I was. Now, my smokescreen of forced smiles and tiny lies had evaporated and left me defenseless.

And now that I had no choice, we were all seeing just how not okay I was.

A/N-This is far from the end my loves. Also, not a fan of this chapter but it was really hard to write so I'm proud of how I did this with so little dialogue. I won't spoil anything, but I'm so excited for what is to come and I hope you are too. Izzys last straw has been pulled. So what now? Tell me what you think will happen so I can tell you you're wrong :)

The first chapter of part 2 may be a few days but the interlude will be up by the weekend (probably I promise nothing) I have also added aesthetics for Teo, and Brayden to the characters slide so go look at those please!

Thank you all for 241k views. Holy shit, I am blown away once again for the amount of love I receive with each chapter so thank you so much and I love you all.

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