Sometimes it feels good to break. Sometimes It feels good to finally snap and let down all forms of defense. Because after that, it's over. After you've broken the threat dissolves and you feel relief.

Sometimes it feels good to break. But this was not one of those times. This time was a simple wearing down of the soul. No breaking. No relief. Just pain. Like someone pulling a rug from under my feet. I was losing my balance and falling too quickly for me to catch myself.

I had calmed down shortly after my breakdown began. Nolan had been very patient with me. I had apologized quite a few times on the way home for making him see me like that, but he assured me there was nothing to be sorry for. And I almost believed him. I had so much to be sorry about. I wasn't even sure what I was apologizing for. But I was sure I needed to.

As we drove, and when we got back to the house, I did my best not to think.

About anything. About anyone.

I needed to shut my mind off. And I had no idea how to do that. Nolan had turned on the radio when the car filled with silence, but as soon as I heard the first notes of Casey Jones, I shut it off. I couldn't think of Marley anymore today. I couldn't think anymore today.

No one was home when we got there. I didn't know where they were. I didn't care either.

"I'm gonna go do some homework," I mumbled absently to Nolan.

He shook his head and put a hand on my shoulder. "You need to eat a snack first. I was given strict instructions by Liam to make sure you ate something."

I looked up at him with tired eyes. "I need to be alone right now if that's alright with you." I needed to curl into a ball and hide for the rest of my life. I needed to pretend I was anywhere but here. I needed to disappear.

Nolan frowned and his features softened slightly. "Izzy, what's going on? Why were you so upset?"

I shook my head. Why could no one in this family let me suffer in silence? Why did they always have to know everything?

"It's nothing," It was everything. "I'm okay," I was far from okay. "Just a little stressed and overwhelmed." I feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts and emotions.

Nolan sighed and nodded. "How about I send you upstairs with something to eat. Crackers sound okay?"

I sighed in relief and gave a curt nod. Even the sight of food made me want to hurl. I wouldn't be able to stomach food right now. But I was in no mood to argue. So, I took the bowl of crackers with a small thank you and didn't waste time scurrying upstairs. I walked into the room slowly, and as soon as I was fully inside, I slid down the cold wood of the door and hugged a nearby pillow to my chest. I buried my face in it, trying to muffle the body wracking sobs that quickly rose to the top of my lungs.

I had been trying for years not to cry. Holding it all in and pretending it wasn't happening. Long before Brayden or Marley, I had been pushing away unwanted tears and emotions. Maybe this was my punishment. Maybe if I had confronted Brayden like this six months ago, I could have avoided a whole new heartbreak.

Before I had just accused and he denied. Now I know the truth. That he has been lying to me. That he never really cared. It felt like a part of me had been ripped out. Like the old Isabelle was being torn apart for good and being replaced with this hollow shell of empty tears and pain. I've been broken for a long time but this, this was the worst it had ever been.

The castle had collapsed on me and buried me underground where I would spend the rest of my life clawing desperately to my idea of safety. Of bliss. Of release.

It was more than an hour before I finally managed to pull myself off the ground. I was wrung dry of tears and emotions. Or so I hoped. I needed a distraction. Something to throw me into. To lose myself in. And for me, math homework that would require all my focus was perfect. But as I was digging through my backpack, something small and silver caught my attention.

I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion when I saw it was a flash drive. I didn't own a flash drive. I had never even used one. But Brayden did. He had gotten a camera a few years ago and was always downloading new footage onto these little things. I paled in the realization of what it was. I threw it on my bed and ran down the stairs, barely catching myself when I stumbled. I crashed into Logan first.

"Izzy, hey, I was just coming to look for you." He said, sounding sad.

"I need your computer," I said quickly. I could deal with his worry later. Right now, I had one goal. Figure out what was on that flash drive. I wasn't even totally sure why, all I knew was I needed to see what Brayden had given to me.

"Iz, baby, are you okay?" Logan asked gently.

I nodded. "I'm fine, but I need a computer." He studied me for a second. "Please," I added for good measure.

"Izzy, what's going on?" I shook my head. Explaining was simply out of the question right now. I can't explain what I don't understand.

"I just really need to use your computer." I tried to remain patient but the anxiety was eating at me like never before. "For school."

Logan hesitated for a second longer but thankfully reached into the backpack on his shoulder and pulled out a laptop. I took it from him quickly.

"Thank you." I stood on my tiptoes and laced a quick kiss on his cheek out of gratefulness and ran back up to my room.

"Don't break it Iz!" He yelled after me.

I slammed my door without giving him an answer. I was bursting at the seams with anticipation.

The bad kind. The heart beating, bad-things-to-come kind of anticipation.

The kind that made me so exceptionally nervous that I could barely keep my hands from shaking as I picked up the flash drive.

There was a piece of masking tape around the metal body.

Ibby, Mari, and Bean 2012-2021 it read in black sharpy.

Childhood nicknames from a different life, created for different people. Only Marley and Brayden had ever called me Ibby. It was a stupid variation of my name, but it had the same feeling as when Logan called me Belle. It was cheesy, annoying, and sweet. Just looking at the three names brought fresh tears to my eyes. Bean. I had been calling him my little bean since we were babies. I was 3 months older than him, and I would never let him forget it. It was a tiny victory over my taller, smarter, outgoing best friend. Old best friend. Old friend.

I slowly plugged the flash drive into the computer, my breath hitching when the file popped open. I hovered the cursor over the file. I wasn't sure I wanted to see what it was. I could only imagine what footage Brayden had dug up. He recorded everything when we were kids. Everything. Good times and the bad. And there was plenty of bad.

Taking a deep breath, I clicked on the file. A picture of me and Brayden popped up. We were probably about six at the time, both grinning like maniacs holding poorly decorated cupcakes. A Thousand Years played in the background as the screen flicked through pictures of two kids who loved each other. Ones of us at the zoo, at restaurants, at school.

Every important moment of my childhood. Brayden stood next to me on my first day of middle school in sixth grade. My first day of kindergarten. When I broke my arm climbing a tree. Every birthday since I was four. Then it switched to videos. Baby me and baby Brayden hugging each other.

"Who is that?" Mrs.Calder asked the two of us. She smiled at me and her son. "

Ibby!" Brayden cried. His arms were wrapped around my neck and mine around his. "

And Izzy, who's that?"

I grinned up at my best friend. "My little Bean!" Everyone laughed. I recognized Marley's laugh. And Moms too.

Silent tears ran down my face as I watched the screen morph into another memory. This time it was all three of us standing in front of the elementary school.

"Say kindergarten!" Mrs.Calder cheered.

"Kindergarten." Me and Brayden repeated smiling.

"And Mari, say middle school!"

Marley laughs softly. "Middle school doesn't start 'till tomorrow!"

I found myself chuckling fondly at the image of the three of us. So tiny. So unbothered. So whole. Even then, things were hard for me and Marley, but we had each other and we had Brayden. We would be fine as long as we were together.

The next video began to play. We were older in this one. Maybe fourth grade or so. It was the first video that Brayden had taken on his camera. I was hanging upside down in a tree and Brayden was sitting against the stump.

"You're gonna fall, Izzy!" Brayden warned sternly.

I laughed, swinging a bit just to taunt him. "I am not!"

He shook his head looking back at the camera. "When she falls I will not be held responsible." I laugh again but swing too hard and end up landing on my arm. Even though the video you could hear a crack.

Brayden gasps and I look down at my arm in shock. "I heard a crack." He says with wide eyes.

"No, you didn't" I protested, trying to move my mangled arm.

"No one heard a crack," I said firmly, hissing in pain.

Brayden sighs, walking over and grabbing the camera. "I heard a crack."

It had ended up being broken. Mom was mad at me for that. Her boyfriend at the time was even madder. But still, it was a fond and goofy memory from that day. From that year. From that life.

The screen changed once again. This video had been taken a few weeks before Marley. It was just me and Brayden, sitting in his bedroom. He had started interviewing people. Said it would be fun to watch later.

I was his next victim, but from the look on my face, I wasn't too upset about it. How can one memory be seven months and a lifetime ago all at the same time? It was yesterday but it was years ago. It was the present but I couldn't remember it. The girl sitting next to Brayden on those office chairs in his bedroom in Brinley where I had slept over a million times and he had held me while I cried and made me feel whole for a little while and made me laugh like a hyena, that girl. She was gone. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe.

But I still managed to listen.

"I'm here with.." He motioned to me but I stared at him for a moment too long. Brayden rolled his eyes playfully and looked back at the camera. "Izzy, or Ibby if you prefer."

"Don't call me that!" I swatted his arm and shook my head at the camera.

Brayden laughed. "Well, whatever your name is, I have a very important question."

I smirked at him. "And what is that tiny Bean?"

Brayden's eyes narrowed into a glare but that only made me laugh. We thought we were the funniest people ever. Well actually, we both thought the other person was the funniest there ever was. "My question is, do you trust me, and why or why not?"

My breath hitched at that question. I hadn't been expecting that even if I had lived through this. I didn't remember. I didn't want to remember.

I hummed, barely even thinking about my answer. "Yes, I trust you. I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone else in the world." It was so true. Sometimes, I think I trusted him even more than Marley. He was more than a good friend. He was family. The best family I had ever had.

Brayden grinned, his focus solely on me. "Okay, and why do you trust me?"

I shrugged. "You've been there through everything. My ups, my downs. You've seen me at my happiest and my lowest." His face softened into a look of pure admiration. "I'm happy to do it, Iz." He grabbed my hand and gave a gentle squeeze. I squeezed back my face falling into a similar form.

"And we'll always be here for each other. Doing what we do."

He nodded, pulling me into a gentle hug. "Always."

The screen went black. White letters came up. I love you, Izzy. Always.

Tears flooded my cheeks. I tried to breathe through the thick lump in my throat. I felt like I was on another planet. I felt like an alien looking at the girl in all of her sad glory. She wasn't all that much different from me. She had already been living through hell for too long. Yet she felt light years happier than me. She wasn't trusting, yet she trusted Brayden. Her downfall. Trust is always our downfall.

I knew that yet looking at her, she viewed her trust as a strength. She felt secure when she trusted someone. How naive must she be? I wish I could tell her to stop. To not trust him, to not trust anyone. But at the same time, I wished I could be like that again. I wished I could trust like that again. I could be as naive as I was even just seven months ago. I wished I could be that girl again. The one in the videos, laughing and smiling with my friends. I knew there were plenty of bad moments with the good ones, but I couldn't help but feel like there were fewer. I must have been crying harder than I realized. It was quickly getting harder to breathe.

My chest was tightening. My world was spinning. I didn't know what was going on but I did know one thing. I had lost control. Completely and utterly lost control. The rug had been yanked out and I was lying flat in my back. I couldn't catch myself and there was no one there to hold me up. I didn't hear the door open, nor my sister calling my name.

"Izzy, take a deep breath." She said softly. She was close to me but I couldn't see her. I shook my head. I couldn't. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. "I'm right here, Izzy." I clung to her voice. It was keeping me from spiraling farther down into the abyss. "You can get through this." She said softly. I tried to suck in some air. My lungs weren't cooperating. "Focus on your breathing, Iz." I was trying. I was trying so hard. "I know it feels scary, but you can get through this. Slowly. You can do this." Slow. Slow I could do. I focused on slowing my breathing. And lo and behold, so very slowly I finally felt my lungs fill with a tiny amount of air. "Good job. You're doing great." Slow. Slow. Slow. "Try taking a deep breath Iz." I did as she said and felt my heartbeat finally begin to dwindle. Slowly. I had to go slowly."There you go. Good job."

I pried my eyes open to see Emma sitting next to me on my bed looking at me worriedly. "You okay?" She asked softly.

I shrugged. How many times can I say the same thing? How many times can I lie to people who claim to care about me? I wonder if she did care. Or if she wanted to ease her conscience. Cynical, cynical, cynical. One of these days being so cynical will be the death of me. Such a bitter way to live. To exist. Such a draining way to think. Emma put a hand on my arm. I noticed she hadn't touched me while she was helping me breathe. And she had spoken with such certainty. Almost as if she knew how to help. How not to hurt further.

"Iz, you're freezing." She frowned.

I shook my head. "It's just a little cold out is all. It's almost October after all." I attempted to force a chuckle but it came out more like a whimper. My lungs contracted fiercely. I felt like I had taken a breath in far too long.

Emma sighed deeply. "Izzy, what is going on? You were out of it all day and I heard what happened on the way home, and now this." She attempted to catch my eye but I looked away quickly.

"Emma, I'm fine." I didn't need her to be concerned like this. It only made everything that much worse. I have gone through hell a million times before and this was no different. Hell was hell, with all its little fires and darkness. You get used to places like this after so long.

She shook her head. "Izzy, I know you and I aren't exactly close, but how can we be when you won't tell me anything." She wasn't angry. She just seemed and worried.

I looked into her eyes. I wasn't sure what I was looking for even. A glimmer of truth or perhaps deception. Something to help me understand her intentions. But there was nothing. No truth, and no lie. Maybe other people's eyes don't tell everything. Maybe that was just mine. Marley used to tell me the eyes are the windows to the soul. She said if you ever want to know a person, just look in their eyes and you'll see everything. But she never told me what to do when I saw nothing. When my own eyes couldn't see, or couldn't accept what I saw. Another tear rolled down my cheek.

"Izzy, you don't have to tell me anything. I understand that it's not fair to push you. But know that if you need someone, just to keep you company even, I'm here for you." I nodded, wiping my face with the back of my hand. "I said it already, but I want you to know how sorry I am about everything that I did. The more I think about it, the more I realize how terrible it was. I'm sorry." She stood up slowly, never quite taking her eyes off of me.

"Oh, and here." She pulled off her sweatshirt, but when she did, I caught a glimpse of what looked like burned skin all over her stomach and chest.

"Emma, what happened?" I asked quickly.

She gave me a confused look and followed my gaze to the red skin on her stomach. Her own eyes widened. "Oh-um-nothing, I, uh-" She struggled to find the words to explain for some reason. "I just, uh, spilled some very hot soup on myself." She smiled but I raised an eyebrow.

"Soup did that?"

She nodded. "It was in a thermos. Very hot." I studied her for a moment longer. She was lying, but I had no room to call anyone else out for mistruth. So, I nodded slowly, accepting her answer. She started to walk away but I quickly stopped her.

"Oh, and Emma, can I ask you a question?" She turned around and looked at me. "Um, how did you know how to help me? I mean, you helped very much and I was just wondering how you knew how to help." Another stray tear fell onto my cheek but I wiped it away swiftly.

Emma smiled sadly. "Finn used to get panic attacks when we were younger. I watched Tyler, Nolan, and Liam help him through them a million times."

"Huh." I nodded, thinking over what she said.

"But if anyone asks, let's call it twin intuition." She winked at me and laughed softly. She turned to walk away again but my voice once more stopped Emma in her tracks.

"Thank you, Emma. Thank you very much."

She shook her head and came over to me. "No need to thank me. It's what I'm here for." She wrapped her arms around me, and for once, I didn't feel the need to pull away.

Because sometimes in this world, our boundaries only hold us back. Sometimes we convince ourselves that there is a line that can never be crossed and there for any step over that line is a pure violation of our happiness.

But sometimes, it's nice to be hugged.

A/N-Quick update because you all are amazing. The fluffiest chapter in a quite some time lol. What do you think about baby Izzy and Brayden? I actually went to camp with a girl named Isabelle (I hated her, she was very mean) who went by Ibby, so that's where I got the nickname from. Also, I have called my younger sister Bean since we were little. For some reason she was just always a little bean.

I don't like this chapter to be honest. It's very important to the story to have Izzy break down like this and for Emma to begin to realize how bad Izzy's state is, but at the same time I'm not sure I did it very well. I will be editing this a lot in the near future.

One last thing. I need advice on how to help with poor time management skills. I am starting my second semester of high school and I have a lot more classes to contend with now. And while that means I won't have as much free time to write, it also means I have to really be better about keeping up with my work. Anyone have any advice on how to make high school a little less stressful?

Thank you so much to @lock_and_key_forever for editing this chapter.