My brain was not meant for this world. It is too dense, too dark, too broken. My brain was meant for a place far quieter than this world. Somewhere I could be at peace. Maybe if my brain was meant for here, I wouldn't always feel so constricted and panicked all the time. I sometimes wonder where it is that I belong. Where my brain is meant for. I dream of places where I don't feel like this. Where the air isn't thick with emotion and my soul isn't weighted down by my worries. It is a dream that will always remain as such. A dream. A non-reality.

I was hiding in the gas station bathroom. It was a dirty, unconventional hiding place, but it was the only one I could find where I didn't feel like their eyes were burning holes into me. The boys, all three of them, have been staring at me for the last six hours interchangeably. I wasn't sure why honestly. As far as I knew, on the outside I looked totally fine. My emotions were buried far beneath the surface, where they would never have a reason to worry. Maybe they were staring at me because I had grown a third head I was not aware of, but I had an inkling that the looks I was getting from all of them had more to do with their own guilt than my external state. Well, Tyler and Finley's were anyway. I had no doubt that Logan's was genuine concern.

I leaned against the bathroom sink, my head against the mirror. It reminded me of what I had done just weeks earlier in the Brinley police station bathroom. It was hard to believe how much had changed since then. And I couldn't say most was for the better.

So far, I have found more pain and heart break with who was supposed to be my family than I ever did by myself in my hometown. The worst I endured there was brainless quips from middle schoolers and my mother's occasional meltdown. I never thought I'd wish for that life back. The thought of going back to Harlan was sickening. Because I knew what awaited me there. Or rather, who awaited me there.

I had no idea what I was going to say to Emma. I had been so preoccupied with my issues in Brinley, that I had more or less forgotten about all that waited for me in Harlan. I had no idea what Emma was going to be like.  She was so angry last time I saw her. I hated anger. I hated being angry, but I hated others being angry with me more than anything. I couldn't help the panic that rose in me every time I thought about Emma. Panic. I was always in a mind crushing state of panic. It was so tiring.

A knock on the door made me jump. "Someone's in here." I called, taking a deep breath and composing myself. I was still a mess. My hair, though once braided perfectly, was now falling out in frizzy curls around my face. My eyes were dull and tired, laying atop a bed purplish skin that reminded me of how little sleep I had been getting.

"Izzy? It's me." Logan's voice came through the door. This was the second time today we had a conversation through a bathroom door. It may have been funny if I wasn't so distressed both times.

"O-one second." I muttered, pushing off the sink.

"How ya doin' buddy?" Logan asked once I opened the door. He wore a small, sad smile, that somehow made my heart swell with the smallest bit of happiness. He seemed to be the only one who consistently cared about me. And so far, he hasn't done anything to contribute to my misery. It was sad to think of how low the bar was. If you didn't emotionally damage me even more than I already was, then you might as well be the next mother Teresa in my eyes. I shrugged, not looking at him.

"I'll be alright." Eventually, someday in the future, I would be alright. Someday I would be telling the truth when I said those words.

Logan sighed and pulled me in for a hug. "Iz, I want you to do something for me," He whispered in my ear. I nodded, my cheek pressed against his shirt. "Tyler and Finn are going to apologize when we get into the car. I heard them talking about it when you got out." I hummed, not at all surprised by this development. I had discovered the pattern here. These boys did things that hurt me and then apologized hours later, expecting me to forgive them each time. And the worst part is, I do. Because that's what ghosts do. They forgive even when they shouldn't. "And when they do apologize, I don't want you to forgive them. At least, not right away."

I pulled away from Logan and looked at him with wide eyes. That was not what I was expecting him to say. "Why?" I asked curiously.

Logan sighed. "Izzy, I don't know you all that well, though I wish I did, but I do know that you are the type to forgive way too easily," He rubbed the back of his neck like he was nervous about my reaction. "And I don't want you too. I want you to make it clear that what those two idiots did is not okay." He was asking a ghost to come to life. He didn't understand why that could never happen.

"L-Logan," I stuttered. "I can't do that." I can't have them be mad at me any longer. "I'm sorry but-"

"Izzy, baby, please just try okay? They fucked up bud, and they should hear it from you," He sighed again. "I already talked to both of them, but honestly Iz, what I say doesn't mean jack shit. They deserve to know that they hurt you." His logic made sense, but I would never agree. I wish he knew that. Of all the people in this family, I wished for Logan to know me most. It would make things so much easier for me, if someone understood my brain even a little. But that was too much. I couldn't expect him to understand something inexplicable. "Hey, I know this isn't something you want to do, but trust me when I say this is the right thing to do."

For him or for me? Because it seemed no matter what the outcome of this would be, I would be the only one who was risking anything in confronting my brothers. "Logan..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say. I could see the hopefulness in his eyes, and I couldn't crush it. He wanted me to agree so badly. How could I ruin that? "I'll talk to them." I said softly. I expected him to doubt me a bit, as I had barely convinced myself, but Logan just grinned widely and squeezed me.

"Thank you Iz. That's all I can ask you too." I hummed in response, trying to swallow the guilt that swelled in my throat. Once we were back in the car, the tension was immediately evident. I hadn't spoken a word to anyone but Logan the entire trip, and they hadn't spoken to me. It felt like a punishment. For them, but mostly for me. The silence was uncomfortable and forced. It was the kind of silence that felt like a death grip around my throat. I couldn't quite breathe. I can't remember the last time I could breathe right. It was another symptom of the constant panic that made me who I was.

"So Izzy," I wanted to jump out of the car the second I heard Tyler speak. I already knew what he was going to say, and I had no interest in hearing it. My response would be as predictable as the apology, and the guilt was eating away at me. "I just want to apologize on behalf of myself and Finley for our behavior towards you,"  Why was no one ever sorry for their actions while they were doing them? Why did an apology only become necessary after the damage? "We shouldn't have pushed you to talk, either of us, and I am very sorry."

"Me too Iz," Finley, who hadn't even looked at me since we left Brinley, put a hand over mine. "You are more than entitled to have your own secrets and I should have respected that."

But that's the thing, it wasn't that I wanted to keep it as a secret. They wanted to know things I had no capacity to tell them. They wanted memories and feelings I had buried deep inside, and there was an unsaid fear of what could happen if I started digging up all those thoughts and feelings. How can I talk about something, I barely allow myself to acknowledge? There are places in my brain so dark, not even I know what they look like in the light. I was afraid if I started digging in the depths they wanted from me, I would wake up the darkest things I couldn't remember. And lord knows those things are forgotten in the darkness for a reason.

"Same here Izzy, It's unfair of me to have asked you to talk to me about something so personal when we haven't known each other very long." Tyler said.

I sighed softly and nodded. Logan was silent but I could feel his eyes on me. I tried to breathe through the lump in my throat, but it felt impossible. "It's okay." I whispered so quietly I'm not even sure they heard me. I saw Logan's shoulders deflate. The lump was growing thicker by the second.

"Thank you Izzy, I promise we'll do better in the future." Tyler smiled in the rear view mirror at me.

I couldn't help but think his promise was empty. I had no relationship with him. There was no trust to break. Truthfully, I don't know the first thing about this man besides his name. I had dived into this head first, and I had no idea who these people even were. I had simply accepted that they were my brothers, and I was their sister. And biologically, that is true. But what I failed to input in the very beginning was the fact that they were strangers. I was far too willing to be vulnerable around them, and now that scared me. It's odd how I have less trust in these people the longer I know them. They keep hurting me. Henry had been the first, Emma the second, Tyler the third, and Finley the fourth. They had hurt my frail heart in some way or another. How was I supposed to trust them, when they've managed to break trust that didn't even exist yet?

I blame my heart for all this. It came out of its protected cage and latched onto these people so blindly I had been, and still was, desperate to fit in somewhere and I thought a family would be a great place to do so. Blood meant bond right? But it was clear now that the 'somewhere' was not here. Because I was slowly learning how different blood and bond really were.

The rest of the drive was quiet and uneventful. My mind was full of regret and suspense. I never managed to catch Logans eye, but I could feel the disappointment radiating off him. Finley and Tyler didn't bother to make much small talk after their apology. There wasn't much to say. I spent much of the time thinking over how I would handle Emma. I had no clue what she was going to say, but I could safely anticipate an apology of some sort. Perhaps real, perhaps not.

By the time we were 10 minutes out from the house, I had convinced myself I could do it. I could stand up to Emma and make my feelings known. I told myself I would. But not even I believed it. When the car came to a stop in front of the house I had seen for the first time only weeks earlier, my heart was beating out of my chest. I didn't waste much time climbing out and grabbing my things. Not much point in stalling the inevitable. Logan and Tyler got out too and helped me with my bag.

"Logan," I called when all four of us were walking up to the house. He turned around quickly and shot me a small smile.

"Yeah Iz?" I was slightly taken aback by his demeanor. I had assumed he was angry with me by the way he had practically ignored me the whole drive up here. I had blatantly gone against him, and I thought he would be upset with me. I wouldn't have blamed him to be honest.

"I'm sorry for accepting their apology. I know you didn't want me to." I looked at the ground as I spoke. I was disappointed in myself even if he wasn't. Logan shook his head and pulled me into a hug.

"No need to be sorry bud. You didn't do anything wrong." I looked up at his smiling face with scrunched eyebrows.

"B-but I didn't do what you asked." I protested softly. My brother rolled his eyes, though could tell it was playful, and put his arm around my shoulders.

"Izzy, I asked you to try." He bent down to my height suddenly. "Did you try?" I wrung my hands toghther and nodded shyly. I had. Only a little, but I had. "Then you did exactly what I asked," He stood up and started walking, pulling me along gently. "Now c'mon, let's go inside and eat some food. I'm starving!"

I laughed softly. It was a laugh of acceptance and relief. At least one person in this family was consistent towards me. Logan was my Mother Teresa amongst all the others. It was nice to have someone like that again.

"We just had Mcdonalds an hour ago." I reminded playfully.

My brother shrugged. "And now I'm hungry again, so let's go eat." My stomach immediately formed into a tight knot when I walked through the front door. It was Liam, Jace, Nolan, and Finley sitting in the kitchen when I walked in. It only made me more nervous that Emma wasn't there. I hated to prolong this. I don't know how much longer my heart can beat this fast and this hard. I was so nervous. More than usual, I was panicking. I still had no idea what was going to happen and from the looks of it, I would have to wait even longer to find out.

"Izzy, hey!" Jace sprung from his chair and pulled me into a warm hug. I tentatively wrapped my arms around his torso, accepting the nice gesture.

Liam was the next one to come and embrace me. He was softer and shorter, like he was afraid to get too close. He looked almost guilty, but I couldn't be sure what about. Perhaps second hand embarrassment for me, seeing all the pressure I was now facing. Or maybe it was just me who saw the weight of all this. "Welcome back Izzy, we missed you." He whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I nodded and forced a smile.

Nolan also gave me a hug. His was the nicest of all three. Gentle, warm, and oddly familiar. After a few moments of hugging and 'welcome backs' I was sat at the table and handed a bowl of soup. "Where are Henry and Emma?" I asked, stirring the soup with my spoon. I had no desire to eat. I think I would have thrown up if I did. I felt sick to my stomach. I had to get this over with soon, before I lost any sort of nerve or composure I had left.

"Tyler just went upstairs to talk to Emma when you guys came in, and I don't know where Henry went." Liam sat across from me, wearing a wary and nervous expression. "I think he's at work." Jace said with a small smile. I nodded.

"Izzy, are you angry with Emma?" I was caught off guard by Nolans obscure question. He wasn't much of a talker, and I had expected Liam or maybe even Jace to ask something like that, but not Nolan. I froze for a moment, trying to answer the question. But the truth is, I wasn't sure how I felt towards Emma right now. I wasn't sure I had it in me to be truly angry at her. Anger was just so taxing, and I was so tired. I was too drained for that. My soul and my heart have no capacity for tru anger. And still, that wasn't the word for what I felt towards Emma. I'm not sure there was a word for it.

"No." I said softly. "I'm not angry with her." I saw my brothers share looks with one another.

"Iz, it's okay to be mad at her. I mean what she said was pretty mean." Jace put a hand over mine in what I assume was meant to be comfort.

"But know that Emma didn't have any very bad intentions. It was the heat of the moment kind of thing." It seemed Liam was still playing protector for her.

I shrugged. "It's okay." It wasn't okay. But how do I explain how not okay it all was? I was never much good with words outside my brain.

"Okay, well here they come." I looked up and saw Emma and Tyler walking down the stairs. Emma looked sad and worried. Tyler looked calm and confident. I wasn't sure which I should emulate at the moment.

"Izzy," I heard Tyler call my name. I could feel the color draining from my face. My lip was raw and sore. I bit down harder. "Emma has something she'd like to say to you." I wasn't sure what to do. I stood up slowly and walked in front of her.

She looked tired. We're all so tired. "Um Izzy," Emma stuttered, pulling at her fingers. She was nervous. My heart slammed against my rib cage almost painfully. I was trying so hard to breathe. "I'm really sorry about what I said," I kept my gaze on my feet. I couldn't look her in the eye. "And what I did at school. It wasn't right of me and I'm really really sorry."

I was sure I should feel angry at her. I should hate her for hurting me like she did. But I didn't. Because hatred is so consuming and I can't be consumed by anything else before there is nothing left of me. So I didn't hate her. And I wouldn't. And I knew any resolve I had to remain mad at her for longer than a second had crumbled the moment I saw her sorry face. I would Destroy my morals one more time and accept the apology I doubt she even truly meant. I knew I would. What she did wasn't ok. But I don't have the energy to make that clear. I don't have the energy to do anything more than say the one thing I've said a million times over. "It's okay." She looked at me with wide eyes.

"Really? You mean it?" I hesitated for a moment.

"Yes." I whispered. "I mean it."

In this world, there are some things just not worth the energy. Grudges that will never get you anywhere. Anger that will never be worth the energy it requires. In this world, there are times when you must choose between being angry, and being okay.

And I have chosen to be okay. And I will be. Eventually, I will be okay.

A/N-I know you guys don't want Izzy to forgive Emma, and quite frankly, neither do I, but you have to remember who this character is. She is non-confrontational, she is complacent, she is broken. She will do what it takes to be okay, and in her mind, forgiveness is the price she needs to pay to be that. Izzy was never going to hold a grudge. Not openly anyway. My job as the author is to portray this character as accurately as I can, and unfortunately that means going against what the readers want sometimes. And trust me, I would like Izzy to hold a grudge and make Emma pay (someone suggested Izzy should cut Emma's hair off in the last chapter lol), but if she was a real person, this is what Izzy would do. I hope you aren't too mad, and I promise drama is not even close to over. We have so many more things to come my loves :)) Also I want you all to remember that the forgiveness Izzy is giving Emma is not out kindness. It is out of fear and exhaustion. She simply too emotionally exhausted and afraid of the outcome to do anything other than forgive Emma.

Okay, so I am so sorry for the wait on this chapter. And I'm also sorry it's not very good. I've been in a wicked rut recently and I had to get something out. I've been very anxious lately and that also makes it difficult to write something good. With school starting back up again on Monday, I can't promise consistent update but I will absolutely try my best to get chapters out as soon as I can.