TW-BLOOD (Later in the chapter, but please be aware)

Expect nothing. It is a lesson I think everyone should learn. Expectations are what lead us to disappointment, and break our hearts. It is what causes the downfall of so many in this world. But if we never expect anything, we are never let down. It is a survival tactic like everything else I do in this world. But it seemed the world had taken that rule literally, throwing something so incredibly unexpected at me, that it destroyed any no-expectation I may have had. I had expected this car ride to be solem, if not completely silent. Expecting that was my first mistake.

It was an hour after we had left the church. Me and Brayden had stayed there for half an hour longer, in sweet silence. We had come to a non verbal agreement that whatever needed to be said, could wait for a while. It was the best we could do for now. The best we could do to make it through the day without losing our minds. Once we had gone back to the church, I had choked down a dry muffin and a glass of orange juice at the request of Tyler, who seemed upset about something I couldn't place. Logan had sat with me, and tried to make me laugh to no avail. I felt like I was floating again. Drifting around only half aware of my surroundings. It was a painfully familiar feeling that I so often suffered from. It didn't feel like a ghost, but more like a shadow looking for light to be seen. There was no light. There never was.

After that, we left the church, and dragged ourselves back into the car. I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I wanted to curl into a ball of sadness and hide forever. And that's exactly what I expected to do when we got back to the hotel. Another mistake. I should have known something was wrong when Tyler got into the car with a clenched jaw, and shielded eyes. He was angry, and from the glances he kept giving me in the rear view mirror, I could assume it was at me. I ran over every interaction me and Tyler had shared today, and as far as I knew, I had done nothing to make him angry with me.

Or at least, I didn't think I did. But, I would soon learn that what I did had not happened today, but long before I had even come back to Brinley. I saw him and Logan having a harshly whispered conversation, that I couldn't understand and when I looked at Finley, he seemed just as confused as I was. Finley had seemed distant since the start of the funeral. I imagine he was overwhelmed with everything that was happening. I couldn't blame him. This was overwhelming for me and I had known my mother.

I caught Logan looking at me through the rear view mirror, but his look was more of disappointment than anger. It made me queasy if I was honest. Disappointment was so much worse than anger. Disappointment was emotionally draining. It was a lasting feeling that clung to you like a ball and chain. "Isabelle, I need to talk to you when we get back to the hotel." Tyler said in a harsh tone. I felt the color drain from my face, as a lump secured itself in my throat. "W-why?" I asked shakily. Tyler sent an angry glance through the rear view mirror that told me to keep quiet for the time being.

I looked desperately at Logan but he just kept looking forward, eyes fixated on the road. I didn't know what I had done, but I did know whatever it was, would change everything. I could barely bring myself to climb out of the car when it came to a screeching halt in front of the hotel. My limbs felt weighted and stiff. Like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and after the day I had and what lay ahead, I wouldn't say that feeling was too far off. Tyler's face was stiff and angry as we walked up to the room, Logans was sad and filled with tiredness. We were all so tired. I could feel my stomach twisting itself into agonizing knots with every step closer. I couldn't help the panic rising in my chest.

It seemed to thicken my blood and make it hard to breath. Hard to breath. It was always so hard to breath I was always fighting for breath. Too much too much too much too much.

"Have a seat." Tyler said nodding towards the bed.

Logan and Finley stepped into the room behind us, Finley looking confused and concerned. I hadn't known Tyler long, but I did know he didn't often get visibly angry, or at least not to this extent. This was something more than just regular frustration. This was unbridled anger that I had only ever seen a few times before. All of those times had been suppressed so far into my memory. My whole body shivered with fear as I sat down, looking up at Tyler who looked so much taller at this moment.

"Fin, why don't you leave. Me and Ty need to have a talk with Izzy." Logan said softly.

"But-" Finley began to protest but was swifty cut off by an angry glare from Tyler.

"Go Finley. Now." I was alone. The second that door shut, and that awful silence fell over the room, I knew I was completely and utterly alone. Not that I wasn't when Finley was here. I was alone then. In a general sense, in the world I was alone.

"Had an interesting conversation today Isabelle." Tyler started. The way his jaw clenched and his fists balled made my heart beat considerably faster. "Wanna explain why I never knew that your mom was a known drug abuser?"

My breath hitched, as I watched him pace back and forth angrily.

"I-I" Words were failing me. I was so much better at silence. Silence was meant for people like me.

"And I don't want any excuses Isabelle, this is serious." My eyes filled with tears at his angry tone. I wanted to disappear. I had nothing to say, I had no excuse. I was a ghost in this world, ghosts don't have excuses because ghosts never do anything beyond what is expected of us.

"Tell me Isabelle!" He yelled getting closer to my face. I cowered away, fighting tears.

"Tyler relax." Logan said, putting a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You're obviously scaring her." He growled. My body was shaking uncontrollably. I was as far from numb as I had been in a long time and I hated it. I hated every second of fear and sadness and pain. That was all there was to feel for someone like me. I wanted to feel, and now I would do anything not to.

"Isabelle, why didn't you tell us?" Tyler's eyes had softened but there was still a flare of anger in his features.

"I-I" My voice was shaky and thick. "I did-didn't-I didn't think I h-had to." I stuttered.

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and turned towards the wall behind him. "You didn't think you had to? Are you fucking kidding me?" He spat. My eyes must have been wide as saucers as I watched him pace back and forth. "You didn't think you had to." He repeated slowly. Tyler shook his head, as if rejecting this information. He looked back at me with the most pained eyes I had seen in some time, before walking out the door to the hotel room. There are no words big enough to encapsulate what I was feeling in this very moment.

There is nothing that could describe the horrible guilt, anger, sadness and pain I felt as I looked at the closed wood door. In that moment there was nothing else. That door held my focus. It captured my gaze and screamed at me. It taunted me with the knowledge that this was all my fault. I should never have come here. I should never have met these people. The door chanted to me. It told me to run. It told me to go back where I belong. The shadows. I flinched when I felt a hand rest against the cold exposed skin on my shoulder. I didn't move away. I was paralyzed not with fear but pure tormentation.

"Izzy? Baby, are you alright?" Logan asked gently. I didn't turn to look at him. I couldn't.

"I can't do this." I whispered to myself.

"What honey, tell me what's wrong." Logan knelt in front of me. "I can't do this." I repeated a little louder.

"Izzy, I don't understand." I ignored him and stood up from the edge of the bed.

"I can't do this." I said again. I walked past him to the door. It was still screaming at me to run. Logan put a hand on my shoulder to try to stop my movement, but I shrugged him off.

"Izzy, everything's okay. I promise everything will be okay." He said softly. He didn't bother to touch me again. "Just sit down and we can talk. Or not, it's up to you."

I shook my head, pushing forward towards the door. I pulled the handle and ran before he could stop me. I passed Finley on the way out the door, but I didn't answer when he called after me asking where I was going. I had no answer. Truly I had no idea where I was going. Anywhere but here. I ran to nowhere in particular, just to get away for a moment. Just to acquire the ability to breath again. I kicked off the black flats I had been wearing. I shoved down the tears and feelings for the moment. And I ran. I ran and I ran and I ran. I ran until I was alone. Truly and utterly alone. The forest surrounded me. The trees above made me feel safe and protected. My body slowed to a walk as I entered this place I had never seen before. It was remote and deserted. Exactly what I needed. I was lost, but not anymore than usual. I sat down on the cold earth, and looked around. Birds sang softly in the distance.

The air was thin and sweet here. It reminded me of a dream. I felt an odd sense of security. I was away from the world and all its agony and torment. I was away from anger and sadness and everything else. I was away. Away. I liked the sound of that. Being away. I think there is an art form to be away. Not everyone can do it. Some of us need to be there, be in the moment, be involved. I didn't. People like me knew how to be nothing in a world of somethings. I have grown very good at being away. At being nothing. It was a part of myself that perhaps was not ideal to some, but for me it was a source of undeniable pride and gratitude. I would never have survived these last year if I was anything, but nothing. I fell onto my back and looked up at the cloudy sky. I had no thoughts left. There was nothing left.

My mind, my soul, my everything was drained. When I told Logan I can't do this, I meant it. I can't add anything else. I fight every single day just to make it to the next moment without breaking down. I fight with myself, with my surroundings and I am so tired of fighting. I feel like I am fighting for nothing anymore. I have no one, I have nothing.

My body is slowly becoming an emotionless sack of bones and flesh, and I would sit here like a ghost and let it happen. I would destroy myself slowly, with each day I pretended everything was alright. I always knew I would.

I just thought I would have a few more years until that would happen.

THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE

I walked back to the hotel when the sun started setting. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was a need just to be reminded that I was still here. That I wasn't just a ghost. Not yet at least.

I hadn't cried. Was there anything left to cry about? I wasn't sure what I expected when I walked through the door to the hotel room, but I was shocked when I was immediately engulfed in a tight, fearful embrace. One that reminded me of someone having been missed.

"Oh my god Isabelle. Please don't ever do that again." Logan whispered in my ear. My body was pressed tightly to his. "Please, please, please, don't ever do that to me." He said again. "I thought I lost you, we looked but I couldn't find you anywhere." His voice was raw with emotion. Emotion I had forced on him. Slowly, my arms circled his back. "You have no idea how scared I was." Logan mumbled. He didn't let go of me, and I wasn't sure I wanted him to. I needed to be held in this moment. I hadn't been held in so long. It felt so good for someone just to hold me for a while. No words, no judgement, just warmth and a feeling I hadn't felt in such a long time. "I can't-I can't lose you Izzy. Not again." He mumbled softly.

I squeezed tighter, having no response. There was nothing for me to say. I couldn't promise he wouldn't lose me. Promises only lead to broken hearts. I couldn't tell him everything would be alright. I wasn't sure it would. So, I did what I could in that moment. I hugged Logan, My brother, as tight as I could if only to remind him that for now, I was here. I was right here. For now, just for this second in time I was something. At least to him I was. It felt good to be seen.

"I'm sorry." I was apologizing for worrying him, for hurting him, for lying to him. I was apologizing for my existence at this very moment.

"No, Izzy I'm not mad. I can't say I blame you for how you reacted. I would have done the same thing." He soothed sweetly.

I had a hard time believing that. He would have stayed and dealt with it. He, and everyone else in the world would have found a way to not feel so heavy and bogged down. It was only me, and people like me that allowed themselves to be destroyed by their own doing.

"I'm sorry I didn't step in with you and Tyler. He went too far, he really did." He apologized for what someone else did. Because that's what people like Logan did. He viewed this all as his fault, or maybe even Tylers. But it wasn't. It wasn't their fault, and I'm not even sure that it was my fault. I think it just sort of happened. Like something we couldn't have stopped even if we tried. Maybe it had to happen. Maybe this would be what finally broke me and left me a shell. If that was the case, I was ready.

My heart was fighting its way out of the cage I constantly put it in, locked it away for its own protection. It was ready to break, for good. I'm done fighting. As I hugged Logan and thought of everything that had happened over the last month since I had met them, more than ever I wondered what I was fighting for. What I was ever fighting for. Hope was gone, and had been for a long time. I like to think this all started six months ago but truthfully I had been breaking for a long time.My mom started it, and it seemed that Tyler would finish it. People in between have done their part in making me what I am.

Logan gently guided me to the hotel bed, where he proceeded to sit me down, pulling me into his side. I noticed that Finley was nowhere to be found and neither was Tyler, but I had no will or strength to ask. Logan adjusted me so my sticky cheek was against his dress shirt clad chest. Neither of us had bothered to change. He flipped on the TV to some news station talking about the weather for this week. He didn't change it. We were both too lost in our own thoughts to care very much about what the TV was playing. We sat in sweet silence for a while until Logan spoke up.

"Why didn't you tell us? Like really, why didn't you tell us?" He asked, sounding sad.

I thought for a moment, but my mind remained stuck for the same reason. "I don't know." I said truthfully. There was no better way to describe it. I did not know.

Logan nodded and leaned back, and arm draped over my shoulder. An hour later, I had showered and changed into pajamas and curled myself into a hopeless ball in the lumpy hotel bed. Tyler wasn't back. Finley was here, and watching TV. Logan said beside me and stroked my hair calmingly.

"Good night. Sleep well." He said, as my eyes fluttered shut.

I wasn't at peace, but how could I expect to be? Nothing in my life is peaceful, not even sleep.

THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE

My feet slapped against the sleek finish of the steps as I trudge up the flight of stairs, a coffee and a tea in hand. My school bag hung lamely on my shoulders after a long day of the emotional turmoil of middle school. They had made fun of me, berated me, and destroyed any sliver of confidence I ever had. But I kept Marley's words in my head and moved forward, not letting them see how much they were getting to me. Using my back to make up for my full hands, I pushed the door to Marleys apartment open. She had told me to meet her here with drinks after school so she could help me with the biology homework I kept complaining about. Brayden was meeting us at the diner later today to get some food. It would be a nice end to a crap day. Or so I thought. "Marley!" I called, putting the drinks down on the kitchen table. The smell of caffeine filled my nose, making me cringe. I couldn't stand the stuff, but Marley claimed it was her life line. I preferred a sweet tea if I was honest.

"Marley I got your drink." I called again. Silence. I hummed in confusion but brushed it off for the moment. She was probably just not responding to annoy me. That wouldn't be too unusual for Marley to do to me. "School sucked." I yelled, waiting for an answer. Still, nothing. Sighing, I rolled my eyes at her stubbornness and walked into the bedroom where I expected her to be. "Mars." I said pushing the door open. The room was empty but the bed wasn't made. Marley always made her bed. It was a pet peeve of hers.That's the first thing that made me suspicious. She didn't have work today, I knew that, and she wouldn't have flaked on me without some sort of warning.

"Marley, where the hell are you." I sighed in annoyance. I could picture her standing behind a door waiting to jump out and scare me. But she didn't. Then I noticed the bathroom light was on. I could see it slipping through the cracks of the closed door. Then I noticed the drops of crimson liquid on the hardwood floor leading up to the bathroom.I knew something was very wrong. I could feel it and I could see it.

Slowly, I stepped towards the bathroom, a feeling of dread filling my stomach and chest. "Three." I counted down as my hand hovered over the door knob. "Two." I gulped and braced myself. "One." I sucked in a hard breath at the sight I saw. Marley, my best friend, my sister, my life line, was lying in the bathtub lifeless and covered in her own blood. I fell to my knees with a blood curdling scream. One that would play on loop for the rest of my life. The blood seeped into her pale skin, staining the floor and curtain. My mind would forever be filled with that red color that stained my best friends skin.

I gasped for air as I lurched forward in the bed. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything but search for breath that wasn't there. Terror was all I felt. Sheer horrific, real terror. Tears ran down my face in streams as I pulled my knees to my chest. I fought sobs, still reeling from that awful nightmare that had plagued me for six months. I bit my lip so hard, blood hushed into my mouth but I didn't have the energy to care.

And then I broke. My body broke into sobs and my mind broke into nothing. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I felt a pair of arms circle my body, and pull me to their chest, softly shushing and rocking me.

"It's okay Izzy." Tyler whispered in my ear. "It's okay, it's okay." I sobbed into his chest, clinging to him with all my strength. He was my anchor to reality right now. The only thing keeping me from slipping down a rabbit hole, more dangerous than I knew.  "I'm here, I'm here baby. It's alright." He whispered.

"I'm so sorry." I choked out. It was all I could think to say to him.

"Shh, it's okay Iz, I'm not mad." It made me more upset that he wasn't angry.

I wasn't sure why, but it made me feel so desperately guilty for lying to them. "I'm so sorry." I repeated. Broken sobs racked my body, but Tyler only held me tighter, as if he needed someone to hold as much as I needed to be held.

"It's okay Izzy. I promise everything will be okay."

The world is not a forgiving place. It is not made for those who aren't self sufficient and tough. That is just the way this is. But sometimes there is a little gap in that way. Sometimes things happen that don't fit the normality of our world.

And we should learn to appreciate those things, for they are few and far between.

This is the longest chapter I've ever written (3,800 words). Sorry it's late, It is a very important chapter and I wanted to get it right, and I had a lot of school work (High school is killing me) so sorry if my updates are a little scattered in coming weeks. I try to be consistent but school comes first and blah blah blah.

Okay, so thoughts? Theories? Questions? Comment anything that comes to mind.

I know you all are probably tired of seeing Izzy so sad, and broken but I promise it gets better. Healing takes time and Izzy has to do a lot of that. I want this to as accurate as I can make it to how I think someone who has been through bad things like Izzy has, would react. They wouldn't just get up one day and be alright. They need patience, and Izzy, although a fictional character, is a representation of those who have suffered trauma. This is the dark side of healing. The side that reminds us that pain is part of it. But for anyone who wants Izzy to feel better, she will soon enough but it takes time my loves. This book has made me cry more times than I can count. I love Izzy's character so much, and she honestly feels like my child at this point. I mean I did create her lol. That's all I have to say to you loveys, and thank you so much for 55 Thousand views on this story. I appreciate every single vote and comment and view. You all are amazing thank you so much. If you stayed until the end I Love You. Have a good day babes.