I wasn't always this complacent. There was a time when I was drowning for people who wouldn't get in the water for me. I was working so hard to make everyone else happy that I barely recognized my struggle was in vain. And eventually I got tired. Eventually there was no more effort in me to stay afloat. Eventually I was numb. Oh what I would give to still be numb. The burning anger and sadness was paralysing. I hated feeling like this. I hated feeling at all. Today had been trying if nothing else. I was drained of emotional stamina. I had no effort to confront Emma about her role in my earlier embarrassment despite the spark of anger that still flicked everytime I looked at her.

Maybe family meant more to me because of my previous situation. Maybe she just had no appreciation for the fact that I was her only sister. Her twin. Supposed to be her other half. I felt like the adoration of this heartfelt family dynamic made it harder for me to accept that she had been so mean. It wasn't the insults that hurt. I was used to petty quips made by people who considered themselves better than me. It was that she didn't stand up for me. She let it happen. One thing I have learned about Emma was that she was a people pleaser. She did things that showed her sole desire to be liked by everyone. It didn't surprise me that she laughed. It was disappointing but not anything I couldn't predict.

"Belle, everything okay?" Logan asked, poking my side. I squirmed slightly and nodded. He had been sitting with me, saying that he was bored and lonely. I knew he saw my own need for company but didn't comment and allowed him to be with me. I had found myself gravitating towards him over the last week. He was childish and goofy, but also very kind and intuitive. It had stormed again on Wednesday, and he had come to get me with a complaint of being lonely. I knew it was an act of kindness and he was doing it for my benefit, but I went with it and enjoyed watching Inside Out. I liked the small moments I had shared with my brothers over this last week.

"You think so much kid, how does your baby brain handle it all?" He chuckled, but there was an element of concern behind his smile. He put his hands on either side of my head and gently moved it around, getting a half hearted laugh from me. "No but really, what are you thinking about? I've been trying to get your attention for like five minutes."

I shrugged. "Got a lot to think about."

He smiled softly and tucked a strand of loose hair away from my face. "Oh to know what goes on in there." He sighed, more to himself than to me. "Anyway, I was trying to tell you that Tyler wants you in the kitchen. Something about a phone call or something like that."

My eyebrows knitted together in confusion, but I stood up and walked into the kitchen. Tyler was sitting at the table, nodding along to something that was being said by the person on the other end of the line.

"Uh huh. Yup. She's right here. Alright, here you go." He said. He smiled at me quickly and nodded at the seat beside him which I took without hesitation. Tyler was another one of the boys I had deemed a supposed 'favorite' of mine. He was kind, and I trusted him the most. I had a certain degree of trust in all of them, but Tyler had earned it as well as my respect. He was a natural leader, and cared for each one of us the way I think a father would. Tyler pulled the phone away from his ear, and held it to his chest to block out sound.

"There's someone who wants to talk to you, let me know when you're done." He said. I could see signs of distress in his tired face. He looked almost sad. He held the phone out to me, and I took it, slight hesitation in my movements. I couldn't think of anyone who would want to speak to me, or anyone who would even know of how to reach me or my family.

"I-is this Isabelle?" The voice was male, and vaguely familiar.

"Um yes? W-who is this?" I asked suspiciously. "Oh! Um, this is Jared, your- um, your moms boyfriend. Well, I guess ex-boyfriend now." He sighed into the receiver. I knew the name, but hadn't met the man. It was common for my mother to date guys only for their plugs, then leave them once she was bored. I barely had the time or the energy to concern myself with whoever the boyfriend of the month may be.

"Oh, um yeah hi." I couldn't fathom why he would be calling me. He had never seen me nor spoken to me in the two months my mother had lasted with him.

"Isabelle, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about your mom. I was heartbroken when I heard what happened." No he wasn't. He didn't care about my mother, anymore than any of the others had. And if he was, it proved just how little he knew Jenna Williams, the woman who had given me both life and hell all in one.

"It's okay." I muttered.

"I'll be okay."

"So Isabelle, we had a funeral for your mom but it was very small and intimate. Your brother-he's your brother right?-explained why you weren't there and I completely understand."

"He's my brother yeah, and you had a funeral for her? I didn't know that?" I muttered sadly. I would have liked to be there, to say goodbye one last time. Had I known there would be something other than a burial, I would have talked to Tyler about staying for a day or two. She may have made mistakes, but she was my mother and she deserved to have her daughter at her funeral. I could feel my chest tighten with guilt and pain.

"Oh, well it was small, only a few people really." he stuttered, evidently seeing that he had upset me. It wasn't his fault. It really wasn't. But it was so easy to blame him for other people's actions. "Anyway, we're having a memorial for her on Sunday, and I thought it would be good to ask you to come." I didn't know what to say. "Isabelle, I know your mom was...rough in some ways, but know that she loved you. She told me that all the time. That she loved you and wished she could do better for you."

It could be bullshit. He could be messing with my mind. But the sound of what he was telling me was such a sweet thought, that I desperately wanted to believe it. So I did.

"I- well I would like to come, I really would but I have to talk to my brother first and I have school, but I really want to come." I rushed out. Jared laughed.

"Okay Isabelle, talk to you brother, I hope to see you there."

I muttered a goodbye and hit the end call button. "Tyler!" I called, trying to keep the anger out of my voice. He came trotting in and smiled at me. "How was that? What do you think?" I dropped the phone rought into his hand.

"Did you know they were having a funeral for my mom?" I asked calmly as I could.

"Well, yeah, I assumed you wouldn't want to go." He said slowly. I clenched my fist in frustration.

"Of course I wanted to go! It was my mother's funeral!" I yelled. My feelings were overwhelming. I was so sick of everything being overwhelming.

"Izzy, calm down. I know you're upset, but yelling at me won't help anything." My jaw set, a hard glare settling on Tyler's face. I was so angry. I couldn't fathom why the hell I wouldn't want to go to my mother's funeral. I had been too overwhelmed and confused to think about a funeral when we were in Brinley but Tyler should have told me, asked if I wanted to participate.

"Izzy-" I shook my head, and shoved passed him, making sure that my shoulder banged into his arm as I ran up the stairs. "Isabelle! Get back here!" he called after me. I ignored him and slammed my door. Falling against the wall, opposite my door, I sighed, feeling a lump in my throat. I was acting so unlike myself. Ghosts don't push people, or slam doors.

Ghosts say 'it's okay' and move on, never creating conflict. But something in me was boiling over, pushing me to try my luck, at least with Tyler. The lump was thick and dense. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. But I wouldn't cry. No, I would break down. Not here. Not now.

It was close to an hour before anyone came after me. "Go away." I muttered when I heard a knock at the door.

"You don't want to see your favorite brother?" Liam smirked as he stepped into the door. I shrugged and looked down at my hand. Liam sighed.

"C'mere Iz, I think we need to have a talk." I didn't make any move to join him on the bed where he sat.

"Okay, I guess I'll come to you." Liam muttered, standing up. He came next to me and slid down the wall so that our knees were touching. "You okay bub?" I didn't respond, instead focusing on picking at my cuticles. I knew he wanted me to talk, I knew he wanted me to explain, but I couldn't. He grabbed my hand and pulled it to him, rubbing gentle circles on the back.

"Why are you upset?" He asked, an element of sternness in his tone. He wasn't taking no for an answer.

"You know already." I mumbled quietly. Tyler had told him what happened, I was sure of it. Why else would he have come up here? Liam was kind, but even this would be a little much for impromptu affection.

"Yes, but I need to hear it from you. There are two sides to every story my dear."

I sighed, seeing no way out of this. "I'm not really upset with Tyler. Yeah, he should have told me but there's nothing I can do to change that, but really I just feel guilty for not going." It felt good to talk. I hid so much, let so much sink down in me to fester and grow that it felt good to speak for once. Ghosts don't speak, but maybe I don't have to be a ghost all the time.

"Iz, he thought it would only upset you more to have gone to the funeral. We all do the best we can in this world and sometimes that means messing up." I let his words sink in, let the truth of them wash over me. I nodded slowly, standing up.

"Where are you going?" Liam asked me. I waved him off, and walked out the door a feeling dissociation washing over me. I walked into the kitchen where Tyler stood, leaning against the counter. He looked at me.

"Izzy I'm-" I cut him off with a tight hug. He didn't hesitate to return the gesture.

"It's okay Ty." I whispered into his shirt. "We all mess up sometimes."

He sighed and hugged me tighter. "I'm sorry Izzy."

I shook my head. "No need."

Tyler smiled softly. "So do you want to go to the memorial?" He asked stroking my hair.

I thought for a moment before nodding. "Yeah. I think I do."

My mom had made mistakes but this was my way of forgiving her. There are so many ways to mess up in the world. So many ways to ruin something.

But we all make mistakes sometimes.

And it's important to remember that sometimes it's okay to forgive.

And other times, you have to remember that some people are not worth forgiving.

It's about choices we make for ourselves and our happiness.

A/N-Sorry this late!
This chapter was ✨spicy✨ but the next one will be SO MUCH ✨SPICER✨ So get ready for that ☺️
I already said this in my update for Butterfly earlier today, but tomorrow is my birthday and I will be staying home and being safe because the pandemic isn't over just because you're over it. Please be safe please be smart do it for yourself and for others.