It all feels too much. Or maybe too little. My heart feels heavy in my chest and yet it's not even there. My lungs pump quickly inside my body and yet they remain practically motionless when I try to feel them rise. In the last few days, I have found myself entirely fixated on these small things inside my body. My heart. My lungs. My stomach. My chest. It seems to be the only thing I can focus on. Every breath feels like a chore.

Every moment feels like a job. It started when we got back from Brinley. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe it wasn't. It was hard to tell with things like this. Especially when I felt so empty. So undoubtedly unfocused and blurry in every way humanly possible. We'd been home for two days.

Tyler had promised me I would start to feel better again soon. He said the shock would wear off. That I would readjust. Re-align. And go back to the way I was. I wasn't sure who he'd been trying to reassure when he said that, but it hadn't made me feel any better.

Mostly because I didn't believe it. And if the way the rest of my family had been treating me was anything to go by, neither did they.

Two days. That's all the time that I'd been given to grieve all this new information before he'd dragged me here. He said he wanted me to talk to someone. To work through it and find some 'peace' with it all. I didn't know what he'd meant by that. I didn't ask. I hadn't argued when Tyler told me he'd scheduled an appointment with Daphne for today. Nor when he told me he expected me to talk.

But now, sitting in the office waiting room, trying to catch a bubble of air into my deflated lungs, I couldn't help but wish I had. In all likelihood, arguing wouldn't do me any good. It never did with people like Tyler. But at least, if I had argued, I might not have felt like the weak, spineless, pushover Marley had always hated me for being. She said it was my deadliest quality. A danger to myself. And I hadn't argued with that either.

"How are you feeling?" Tyler asked for the 10th time since we'd arrived here as he put a gentle hand on my upper arm. I swallowed once but didn't look at him. If I did, I was sure I would have lost it. My lungs ached. It was hard to breathe in a comfortable way when my lungs felt so heavy inside my chest. I nodded slowly bringing my hands up so he could see my sign.

"I'm alright."

Tyler hummed doubtfully beside me but didn't call me on my lie. "Daph should be out here soon." He said softly. The thought made the pit in my stomach turn heavy. By the time she did get here, I would be well and anchored to my seat. But maybe that wasn't the worst thing to happen. "I'm sure she has a lot to ask you about,"

I wasn't sure why Tyler was making so much conversation with me. We hadn't talked much in the last few days. No one had. After Tyler and Logan told the rest of our brothers about Marley, the house had quickly fallen into an unnatural, unprecedented state of discomfort and avoidance.

Understandably, my brothers were heartbroken. They had cared for Marley. Loved her at some point in time and welcomed her into their home with open arms, just for her to walk out one day and never come back. It would have broken a piece of even the most stable person's soul.

But I still couldn't help but feel a little bitter as I watched it happen. Or I would have. But bitterness was a weight I couldn't quite a shoulder at this poi. Grief and pain just took up too much of what I could ever have to offer. The house had felt cold in the last few days. Hollow and broken despite the constant looming of my brothers over me that had only increased since we'd been home. They may not have been saying much, but they had been watching. They thought I would break. But I had been dealing with Marley's death for the last year. It was her lies I was having to cope with. And those would take a long longer to break me than her death ever did.

"And I'm sure you have a lot to tell her too, Iz," Tyler tried to smile at me. I didn't even glance at him. "And I want you to remember, buddy, you can tell her anything. You should feel comfortable with Daphne. I don't even have to know what you guys talk about if you don't want me to, I just-" He cut himself off when the door to the waiting room opened, and another woman walked in and sat down beside him. Tyler sighed softly as he put one hand on mine. "Okay?" He whispered.

I swallowed once more. "Okay." If that single sign would appease him for the time being, I would do it, even if I didn't have a clue what I was even responding to. His voice had sounded muffled all day. Faint and far away, like he was on the surface and I was underwater. I've had my hearing aids in almost constantly since our trip. I wasn't sure why, but somehow, my physical discomfort brought relief to the emotional stress I was under.

Maybe it was a distraction. Maybe it was a compromise. But either way, it was a choice for the time being. Even if it was an uncomfortable one.

We sat in silence for another couple of minutes before finally, I saw the shadow of my therapist come around the corner of the hallway, and her smiling face followed soon thereafter.

"Hey!" She said cheerfully as she walked over to my brother.

Tyler stood up beside me. "Daphne, how are you?" He asked quickly, sticking his hand out for her to shake.

The young woman shrugged, accepting the offer. "Fine. Busy."

My brother nodded and sighed softly. "I know the feeling," I didn't miss the sly glance he shot in my direction when he said that. I ducked my head slightly, shrinking in my seat hoping I could hide a little longer.

"How was your Christmas?" Tyler asked, still holding Daphne's hand.

"Oh, it was great. Lots of family time. Always a blessing. But it was good to have some time off," She laughed softly, her eyes drifting to my hunkered form. "But I'm glad to be back. I missed all my patients." Daphne dropped my brother's hand and came to stand in front of me.

"Especially you Miss Izzy. I have a feeling for you and I have a lot to catch up on." She didn't even know half of it. I didn't respond. My head was already hurting and I hadn't even sat down under the fluorescent lights of her office yet. This was going to be a long session. The thought made me sicker than it should.

"Are you ready?" She asked in a low voice. I sighed softly and nodded, getting to my feet slowly and following like an obedient little puppy when she started walking back down the hall. "We'll be back in an hour." She said to Tyler over her shoulder.

He nodded and put one hand on my shoulder, gave a quick squeeze, and muttered 'I love you' before sitting back down and letting me walk forward. I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I was seated on the couch of Daphne's office, the familiar brightly decorated room and inspirational quotes suddenly setting me on edge in a way that they hadn't when I'd been here two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago felt like a lifetime. I didn't even feel like the same person I was two weeks ago. Things had changed. I had changed. And now, I was expected to come here and change back. As if that was even possible.

"So," Daphne started as she lowered herself into the chair across from me. I focused on my lap, gently pulling at the loose strands of the sweater I had borrowed from Emma this morning. She'd insisted I was free to wear her clothes whenever I wanted, and while I typically don't feel comfortable just taking her things, with a little encouragement from my sister who had been unwaveringly kind to me in the last few days since we'd arrived home-I'd allowed myself the selfish luxury of taking advantage of her kindness for my well being. The closest I ever got to being selfish anyway. "Tell me about Christmas."

Christmas seems so irrelevant now. So pointless and hollow. But I knew that was a cynical way to think, even for me. I slowly raised one hand and offered a simple, expected answer. "It was good."

Daphne's smile dipped a little. "Good? That's all it was?"

"Busy," My reply was short and uninformative, but it conveyed my point all the same. And I was in no mental state to try and come up with something better even if I tried.

"Ok. Good. Busy. Fun? Boring? Surprising?" She probed.

I shrugged again.

Daphne sighed softly and leaned back in her chair. "Ok, then let me fill in the blanks," A beat of silence followed before she started talking again.

"I think that your Christmas was awesome. You went to the cabin in Vermont you told me about and learned to ski with your brothers and sister. You baked cookies while you were there too. I think you got a bike for Christmas, or maybe a cool set of art markers that you have used about a hundred times since you got them. Oh, and you got a puppy, because who doesn't want a puppy for Christmas? I bet it was a lab. Hope you named it Sparky just to make the picture as cliche as possible.

I also think you met more family over Christmas. Maybe an aunt, uncle, a cousin? I bet you liked them too. I'm certain they liked you. And then, I think that on Christmas day, you had the best food you've ever tasted and discovered you love apple pie more than you thought possible. And then you gave some to Sparky because every dog deserves a piece of pie on Christmas."

I stared at her with wide eyes as I listened to her detailed description of a made-up holiday. She smiled slightly and tilted her head.

"So. Did I get it right?"

I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped me as I took it all in, the humor and lightheartedness of her monologue making me feel instantly more relaxed, if still slightly tense and uncomfortable. I'd forgotten how much I liked Daphne. It was nice to be reminded of something positive for once.

"Not quite," I signed back. "But I like your description better."

"So do I. So no puppy for Christmas?"

I smiled weakly and shook my head. "No. But you were right about the art markers. Those are pretty cool."

Daphne grinned. "See? Told you I'm good. What else did you get?"

I shrugged, feeling shy and spoiled. "Good things. Very good things."

"I'm glad, Izzy. You deserve it." I blushed even harder but didn't protest the unnecessary praise. "So, how was Brinley? I know you said you were going back there."

My small, weak smile dropped instantly. Daphnes did too at my reaction.

"It was fine." So typical of. So cold and invulnerable despite the throbbing pain the name of my hometown sent through my chest every time I heard it.

"Fine?" Daphne asked slowly.

I swallowed hard. "It was fine. I saw my mom's grave." I didn't mention Marley. I hadn't once since I started my sessions with Daphne, and I had no intention to start now. I couldn't. Not even if I wanted to.

"Yeah. What else did you do?"

Cry. That was all I did in Brinley. Cry and think and cry some more, even if most of that crying was internal. But I wouldn't tell Daphne that. I shrugged slowly, my fingers finding my sweater once again and pulling one knee up to my chest in discomfort. It was rejecting to switch between good and bad so quickly. Like reaching for something you'd never quite catch. My comfort would always sit on the top shelf I'd never be tall enough to reach. And that made me so sad, it was almost unbearable if I thought about it too much. And most of the time, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. Or about anything else I didn't want to think about. I shrugged.

"We went bowling." I signed meagerly.

Daphne frowned. "Bowling? All you did was go bowling and go to the cemetery. Nothing else happened while you were there?" She was asking because she either knew something I didn't want her to or she was drawing conclusions I didn't want her to. Either way, I shrugged one more time and picked at my sweater as intently as I could just so I wouldn't have to look at her. Neither of us said anything for a while. Daphne was staring at me. I was doing everything I could to pretend I couldn't see her.

I felt bad for ignoring her. She was nice and understanding. And she made me feel a little less alien in a way that I was usually pretty grateful for. But I wouldn't be tricked into letting her into my world so easily. If I didn't have the key, neither could she. Mostly out of fear of what either one of us would find. My world was a dark place. A sad, heavy, dangerous place. And I wouldn't be the one to show it to anyone at this poi. Even if I had my way.

I frowned in confusion when Daphne suddenly sprung out of her chair and walked over to the bookcase in the corner.

"We're going to play a game. You and I have some trust to build. And frankly, I can't think of a better way to do that than to play some good old-fashioned pictionary." She held the box out in my direction and I nodded slowly in acceptance. "Good. Let's play."

For the next 30 minutes, we played and tried to forget the heavy tension and discomfort that had been created between us. Which, thankfully, wasn't hard with someone like Daphne.

"Our time is up," Daphne sighed sadly as she glanced at the clock above our heads. I nodded and began to put the pieces back in the box, Daphne helping me as she hummed a soft song. "I hope you liked that game. We can play again next time you come." She said with a smile as she put the box back.

"I did. You're pretty good at it too."

"Yeah, just call it natural talent." She laughed at her joke and waited for me to stand before stepping up to the door that led back into the hallway.

"Izzy," She said my name with one hand on the doorknob, turning back to glance at me. I looked up at her with furrowed eyebrows and she smiled softly. "You can talk to me whenever you want. I'll wait for you. However long it takes. You know why?"

I shook my head. She smiled even wider.

"I'll wait for you because you deserve it. And I'll keep telling you that until you believe it."

I froze for a moment.

Daphne just smiled at me. "Ready to go and find your brother? I'm sure he's wondering where we are." She turned back to the door and pulled it open, walking into the hall without a glance in my direction to see if I was following.

For a second, I wasn't.

I'll wait for you because you deserve it.

Her words rang in my head. It sounded like something Marley would say. Something genuine and kind, that made me feel sick in a way that I almost enjoyed. Deserving is a complicated concept. One I never quite got the hang of. I frowned. I didn't deserve anything. I knew it was true. But that didn't mean the lie couldn't taste good.

Shaking my head, I walked out of the room and found my way to the waiting area, where Daphne and Tyler were already talking, evidently unconcerned about my momentary absence.

"And you think I should do that?" I heard Tyler ask in a whisper.

Daphne nodded her head. "You should. It's never a bad idea to just look into it."

My brother nodded, chewing his bottom lip in thought for a second, opening his response before seeing me lingering behind the other woman. He forced a small smile onto his stiff face.

"There she is," He said softly, holding his arm out to me. I sighed and walked over to him, letting Tyler pull me into his side gently for a second before pulling away. "How was it?" He asked, keeping one arm wrapped around my shoulders.

I glanced up at Daphne. She was staring back at me with a small smirk of her own. It was clear she wasn't going to answer for me. But I supposed it was unfair of me to expect that.

"It was good." I signed. "We played Pictionary."

"Pictionary?" Tyler looked up at Daphne. "That's what you guys did for 40 minutes?" He raised one eyebrow, but Daphne didn't even bat an eye.

"We did. It was very productive. And I enjoyed it."

I watched as Tyler's eyebrows furrowed in confusion for a second before he nodded slowly and let out a small laugh. "Ok then. How can I argue with that?" He directed the last part of his sentence at me, pulling me close for a second to tease me by rubbing one hand on my hair. I moved away but it didn't do much good.

"You can't. And frankly, you shouldn't. Games are an important part of life. Especially when you're good at them." She gave Tyler a weird look as she spoke, and he gave her the same one back. I didn't try to decipher it.

Mostly, because of the overwhelming wave of apathy that had seemed to fill my body in the last few days. An awkward moment of silence passed between the three of us. Daphne cleared her throat and shook her head as she cast another smile in my direction.

"I should get ready for my next patient. Have a good day, Izzy. I'll see you next Wednesday at three." She turned on her heels and marched back toward her office before I even had the chance to respond. Tyler sighed softly and tugged me into his side.

"We should head home. I think Jace said something about Chinese for dinner." Keeping one arm around my shoulders, Tyler carefully tugged me towards the door and the parking lot. He sighed as he climbed into the driver's seat of the car and glanced at me beside him.

"How was that?" He asked with a small smile. I pulled my knees back to my chest and shrugged.

"It was fine." Sometimes, I even wondered if I knew any more than those three measly words. It often felt like I didn't. Or at least none that would ever suffice.

Tyler hummed. "Wanna tell me what you talked about?" He asked slowly.

I cringed at the question. I had expected it, of course. Truthfully, I would have been more surprised if he hadn't asked it. He'd said I didn't have to tell him anything, but I would have been naive to believe he felt that way. It was almost comforting in an odd way. Natural. Expected. And I would always welcome anything in my life I could call expected or natural.

"Christmas. My birthday." I signed when we reached a red light and he could look at me.

He nodded. "Oh good. I'm glad you guys talked." He seems to deflate in relief a little. I refused to be the one to give him any reason not to. "You enjoyed Christmas, right?" Tyler asked, sounding a little worried about my answer.

I nodded quickly. "It was nice." Nicer than any holiday I had ever had. Even now, it felt cold and distant in the fog of its aftermath. It was amazing how short good things lasted for someone like me. One minute, it was sweet, and in a dizzying moment, it was sour and bitter. I swallowed once more. "I had fun."

"I'm glad," Tyler once again sounded relieved by my answer. "I had fun too. It was...it was nice to have you, Izzy. I hope you know how much it meant to all of us." I smiled at him softly and nodded, my cheeks blushing a gentle red at the kind, hopefully, genuine words of affection he was offering me.

"It meant a lot to me too." Silence fell over the two of us for a moment. Tyler was glancing at me in his peripheral vision. He chewed his bottom lip as he turned the car onto our street, his hands turning a pale color as he gripped the wheel.

"Um-" He started feebly. "Um, did you tell her about Brinley?" He asked in a soft voice.

Any remnants of my smile dropped. "It's ok if you didn't I just- I just wanted to know how much she knows or how much you shared, not for the real reason I just wanna-" He cut himself off again, slowing the car to almost a crawl even though we were a mere few feet from our driveway. he was trapping me. Not in a malicious sense, but still, the intention was the same. I tugged my knees tighter to my chest, sharp fingernails digging into my calf as I gripped it tightly. "I just wanna know if you talked about it at all." I didn't answer. T

Tyler sighed and threw the car in park, adding to my growing discomfort unintentionally. He stayed silent for a second. I turned to look at him, but his face gave nothing away.

"I know we haven't talked about it all much," He said softly. We hadn't talked about it at all. No one had. After the initial conversation between all my brothers, we hadn't talked about any of it for a reason I knew all too well. The same reason I had felt for months by myself. I had expected it from my brothers. It was natural, I assumed. A part of the process of grief. Grief, I had already felt.

"And I just wanted to take a minute to make sure you were okay. I mean I know you knew about Marley being-" He seemed to choke on his words. "Dead."

The word still made my chest seize up. The grief I had already felt, and would probably never stop feeling. "But you didn't know about our connection to her."

I shrugged. "Marley didn't tell me everything. I'm not upset about it." It was a lie. I was livid about it. Heartbroken and furious. But I wouldn't admit that to Tyler. It wouldn't do either of us any bit of good. And besides, to admit that I would have to think about it. And I refused to do that more than I had to. My chest felt so tight and heavy it was almost unbearable.

Tyler nodded slowly. "She didn't tell us everything either," His voice was bitter and low but he shook his head before he could delve into whatever path he was headed down. "But I know she was your friend, and I want to make sure that you know that we're here for you. And we will be through all of this,"

A small, angry, defiant part of me wanted to remind him that I already had been through this. Alone. But I didn't. For so many reasons, I didn't.

"If you need anything, you know you can come to us right?" Tyler put a hand on my shoulder. I tensed but didn't pull away.

I nodded again. "I know."

He stared at me for a second, his hand still firmly on my shoulder. I did everything I could not to even glance in his direction. Shaking his head again, Tyler sighed and put the car into drive. "I don't think you do. But you will. Someday, I know that you will." He wasn't talking to me.

I closed my eyes as I felt the car lurched into forward motion once again, feeling sick to my stomach for so many confusing reasons, it wasn't even possible for me to decipher any of them.

My brain had been fuzzy for a long time. Disoriented and lost within myself every time I was forced to deal with the things that had plagued my life for the last 13 years. I had seen so much in my life. Experienced so much. And never did it get any easier for me to make sense of the vague, horrible jumble of words and emotions inside my brain that were supposed to help me. But if there was one thing I had learned, it was that help was few and far between. I was on my own. Not even my brain was able to help someone like me.

"What the hell?" Tyler muttered to himself.

My eyes shot open, and I followed his gaze toward a familiar-looking truck sitting in front of our house and a familiar-looking woman leaning against it. "What the hell?" Tyler said again.

I furrowed my eyebrows in the same way, watching as she stood up from the car and turned to us with a smile.

Tyler didn't wait one second before swinging the car door open. "Kasey, what the hell are you doing here?" He asked, holding his arms open for her to grab him into a hug, despite the obvious strength disproportion between the two.

"Hey, buddy. I thought it was time I came for a visit here. Thought maybe you could use my help." She grinned, one arm around his body tight and the other gripping the stub of a cigarette between two fingers. She caught my gaze over my brother's shoulder.

She grinned wider. "And I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with my favorite niece over the Christmas break." She let go of Tyler and walked over to my car door, pulling the open and me into a bear hug before I could even have a chance at protesting. "Oh, I missed you." She muttered as she rocked us back and forth.

She'd only seen us a week and a half ago. But I kept that comment to myself. After a moment, she pulled away and held me by the shoulders so I could see the smile on her face turn into something sadder, and less genuine. The look in her eyes told me all I needed to know. She was more than aware of what was going on. She and everyone else, much to my frustration.

"Hi, kid." She whispered.

I couldn't do much more than just stare at her. In front of me, I caught a glimpse of Tyler wrestling her bag out of the seat of her truck, muttering swears under his breath as it seemingly fought against him.

"We should go in," Kasey laughed more to herself than to me. I nodded slowly and waited for her to step away from my door before allowing my body to slide out of the car and obediently followed behind my brother and aunt, despite the intolerable heaviness that I felt inside of me with every labored step. Tyler smiled at me as he stood next to the door.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly.

I offered back an all too-small, vacant smile. "I'm fine."

And I would be. Eventually. I had to be. Eventually. Because in this world, that was the way things worked. I will be okay eventually. I would be okay when I had to be. I would be okay when it mattered. Not now, but soon, I will be okay. I had to be. I wasn't sure I even had a choice. In this world, no one did.

A/N-I only wrote this so I could avoid doing math. I still have two more finals and the thought makes me wanna die. If anyone ever said that high school was fun, they were lying.

So anyway, what did we think of this chapter? I know it was kind of a filler but I thought it was needed to set up some more stuff later on in the story. From this point on, Kasey will be a pretty main character mostly because I thought we needed some more positive female characters. I find that in brothers stories there is often a huge lack of positive female role models and I love a strong woman character so I thought Kasey and Daphne would add that for this story. There will only be another couple of chapters in this story. Maybe 6 or 7. I don't know if you all agree but I think this story has gone on long enough lol.

Thank you all for your love and support! I appreciate your patience with me during this crazy busy time of my life. I love you all I hope you all have an amazing summer :))