There was a time when I wanted to know everything. When I believed that knowledge was power. I used to think living in the dark was something to be feared. Something to dread, and to hate. But now I see that the dark is bliss. Not knowing is a gift. People like to think the truth will set them free. Honesty and transparency is the key to solving all of life's dilemmas. And sometimes, it is.

But not always.

Sometimes, the truth is detrimental. The truth is the cause of the pain we try to free ourselves from. Because there is no escape from the truth. No distortion or relief from its weight, or its sincerity. None that I have ever found. And I spent the better part of my life searching for one. The truth is poison in the wrong situation. And this situation could not in any form be considered right.

They haven't said a word. Logan and Tyler were sitting in front of me, staring at my face with forlorn looks, not saying anything. I'd come out of the bathroom only a few minutes ago, but it already felt like a lifetime. I wanted them to begin. Needed them too. I couldn't be the one to start this when I knew I wouldn't be the one to end it. I'd just be the one to be hurt by it.

My brain was pounding. Like a sledgehammer was being taken to my cranium, and this time it wasn't because of my hearing aids. They had been the least of my problems today, and I wasn't planning on ditching them anytime soon. I needed all my senses for this conversation. I needed every advantage I could get this time. Logan was fumbling with his fingers in his lap, his eyes trained on my face as he sat in front of me. He didn't know what to say. Or he didn't know how to say it. He looked at Tyler. My oldest brother looked back.

"You wanna start?" He whispere.

Logan looked back at me for a second, a strangely hollow expression reflecting in his eyes, then shook his head at Tyler and waved him off. "You start. I don't know what to say."

Tyler nodded tentatively and took in a slow, deep breath as he turned his full attention to me waiting patiently in front of him.

"Well, where do we start? What do you want to know?" Tyler asked me.

I hesitated for a second. In truth, I wasn't sure what I wanted to know. It had been so much information at once, it was hard to pick out which part I needed to be clarified first. But every time I thought about this conversation, only one thing came to mind as a topic of discussion; My best friend. She was all I'd been able to think about for days, now, just in a very different capacity, and I knew I needed to know what there was to know about her for even the littlest bit of peace of mind. Not for me to be found. There never had been.

"Marley." I signed simply.

Tyler nodded and sighed again like he was working up the nerve to start this talk. We all were apparently.

"Well, we met Marley when she was 13. I was 21 at the time, in college, so not living at home but-but I was home for the summer when she came and that's when we met."

"Did you know she was your sister when she came?" I signed slowly.

Tyler shrugged. "I did. Dad told me before she came who she was but-"

"But he didn't tell the rest of us," Logan sounded bitter about that fact. "He didn't tell any of us who she was for almost the entire time she stayed with us, but...but you can only hide the truth for so long."

The truth was poison. The truth was pain. It was true for almost everyone, and I could see it in Logan's face that he thought so too.

"Marley did know, in case that's your next question," Tyler continued. "She knew the whole deal, and helped Dad keep it a secret for the summer, but yes, he uh, he kept most of us in the dark about who she was."

"Because he was ashamed?" I signed with furrowed eyebrows.

Tyler frowned and shook his head. "No-no, that's not why, it was because he thought-"

"Ty, don't bullshit her, that's exactly why he kept it a secret. He didn't want anyone to know he'd been unfaithful. Marley was the product of his mistakes."

"She was not a mistake." I found myself jumping to her defense, almost instinctively. Logan's eyes widened a little at my quick rebuke but nodded slowly in what I chose to take as agreement.

"No, no of course not, Izzy, I would never, ever think about her like that, she-she was not a mistake, I just meant that he thought of her like that, which is very, very wrong, and-"

"She not anyone's mistake." She was my best friend. My lifeline. My saving grace. And I needed to keep that image of her in my head as untainted by other people's truths as humanly possible. She was not his mistake. She was not something to be ashamed of. And I couldn't let myself allow her to be referred to as such.

"Right," Logan agreed. "Right, of course not." A long pause followed his words. Tyler was studying me carefully but seemed concerned and apprehensive about what he was going to say next.

"No one thinks of her that way, I promise Izzy, and I don't think our father thought of her that way either. I think he just- he didn't know how to handle it, so he decided lying was the best way to go," Tyler sighed. "He had that philosophy about a lot of things."

"What did you know about her?" I asked to move the conversation forward.

Tyler shrugged. "Not much to be honest. I mean, she was a kid when she was here and I didn't talk to her much but, I knew she was nice, I knew she was funny. She was...rough, for lack of a better word, and had a bit of a temper but she got along pretty well with everyone in the house and she was...she was great."

The best, if you asked me. I remembered Marley at 13. I was only seven then, and I spent most of my time following her around like a lost puppy when I could, always acting as her shadow close behind, in my world, but in hers too. Then, she had been my protector against all things she deemed evil.

It was one of the only years we went to the same school together, and she'd spent the entire year going out of her way to take care of me and keep me safe from the bullies that'd begun picking on me the year before-they called me short. They called me dirty. They called me stupid. They called me everything and anything that made them feel superior and made me feel lesser. Some Things never changed-no matter what it took.

I remembered her walking me to class every morning, and holding my hand on the way to lunch. I remembered her yelling at anyone mean to me, and telling me that I'd always have her. That was one of the best and one of the worst years of my life because of Marley. She often was the defining factor in the determination of the year; good versus bad. It all revolved around her. Even now. Tough was a good way to describe 13-year-old Marley. She was tough to the core. Or that's how she'd presented herself as.

"She was good," Logan added. "She and I got along really well. She liked comics too, and she watched movies like I did and she...she was...good. She was good."

I nodded slowly in agreement. Good. That was an okay way to describe her. Good. I could accept that truth in her image.

"We didn't know much about her life here. She wouldn't talk about it, really," Tyler was the next to speak after yet another heavy beat of silence that filled the room from ceiling to floor. The noise didn't do much to help it. "I knew she was from Georgia. I knew she lived with her mom. I knew she'd grown up mostly as an only child."

Logan sighed. "She was scarce with the information while she was here. She only really said what she needed to."

"Did she ever talk about me?" I already knew the answer. The writing had been on the wall since the start of this, but the question begged to be asked anyway. I wanted to hear it out loud. I needed to. Logan and Tyler shared al, obviously debating how they wanted to answer. Part of me hoped they would lie. I wasn't sure I could handle the truth. Tyler took a deep breath and shook his head slowly.

"No, she uh, she didn't talk about you, Iz."

"Why?" I asked without hesitation.

Tyler shrugged his shoulders with a tight expression on his face. "I have no idea. I-I can't think of why she wouldn't have mentioned you, I mean she must have-" He paused.

A wave of unpleasant realization washed over me as I realized what he was saying. What he seemed to have realized too. She must have known. There was no way she couldn't have. She'd known my twin. She'd known and lived with the other half of my DNA, and all the other counterparts that made up my family. She'd seen us, seen them, and there was no chance someone as smart as Marley would have missed the similarity.

That, and I was sure my mother had told her. They'd been close, my mom and Marley. Marley had always condemned my mother for the way she treated me, but for some reason, I could never understand, she'd also admired my mother. Talked to her and relied on her like I was never able to. They talked about everything. She used to brag jokingly that she knew more about me than I did. But now, it never felt less like a joke. She knew. There was no doubt in my mind that she knew. And the realization hurt more than what I knew what to do with.

"She must have known," Tyler finished his sentence. "She must have."

He said the last part quietly like he didn't want to believe that she'd kept something like that to herself either.

Logan shook his head. "N-no, she didn't-she couldn't,"

She did. She could. I knew better than to say she'd never lie. I just thought she'd never lie to me. No one said anything for a long while after that. The world seemed to hold still, and if it weren't for the loud ticking of a clock somewhere in the room and the faint sound of people talking on the sidewalk below, I would have thought that time itself was holding still. She could. She would. She did. The truths were getting harder to swallow by the second.

"Izzy, is there anything else you'd like to know right now? Or should we take a break?" Tyler was vying for option 2, and for once, he and I agreed.

I didn't want any more truths. Couldn't stomach any. Not even if I wanted to. I wished then that I'd stayed in the dark. I wished I hadn't wanted to know. I wished I hadn't asked, and I wished I hadn't pressed. It was only me who ever got hurt.

Only me. Only ever me no matter what I did. The truth was detrimental. The truth was poison. The truth was so painful it was utterly debilitating. And it was also so, incredibly, undeniably inescapable.

I shook my head. "I'm done."

-The World That Was Mine-

It only took Tyler half an hour to find a flight home. He hadn't asked me or Logan if there was anything we'd like to stay for, but we hadn't argued when he told us to pack our bags and be ready for eight. We were all ready to leave here. Ready to go back to somewhere that didn't feel like a dark, sinking hellhole full of pain and bad memories. I wasn't sure Harlan would be much better, but I knew I couldn't stay here for more reasons than I cared to admit. No one had said anything to each other after we'd cut off our unfinished conversation a few hours ago. None of us had anything to say. Logan had become like a ghost of himself over the last few hours. Hollow, and cold, looking half dead and empty as he moved through the world. I had tried to give him as much space as possible for most of the afternoon. It seemed like he needed it, and if I was honest, so did I.

Tyler seemed only marginally more alive than our brother did. He'd tried to get me to talk, like he always did, and helped me pack my bags after his announcement, but other than that, he'd also left me to my own devices for most of the day. It was unusual, to say the least. I wasn't used to so much alone time or lack of concern from my overprotective brothers. In the four months I'd lived with them, I couldn't come up with a single other time I'd felt quite so alone as I did here. But I tried my best not to let it bother me. They needed space. They deserved it. And I would not be the one to deny it to them. Which was how I'd ended up here. Sitting in the hotel room by myself in silence while I waited for one of my brothers to remember I was there. I was alone.

It was quiet still, and peaceful, but it didn't offer any of the usual relief. The quiet felt sour. Misplaced and uncomfortable as it sank into my skin like tiny, painful little needles. My hearing aids were still in my head. I was afraid the quiet would kill me if I dared to take them out. It was suffocating as it was. Tyler said they'd be right back. He hadn't said where they were going, or how long they'd be gone, but he had told me they would be back. Eventually. And I was trying my best to let eventually be as long as they needed. The pill was getting harder to swallow by the second. I'd tried to wrap my head around it all.

For the last hour that I'd been alone, I'd spent almost every second trying my best to try and comprehend what I had just learned, but no matter how I thought about it, none of it made any sense. Marley had lied. Or she may have lied. I clung to the possibility that she may not have done so intentionally. Even if there wasn't one to hold onto in the first place. The world had come crashing down when I lost her. I'd lost everything that day. My best friend, my family, my confidant. And now, it felt like I'd lost her all over again.

Because I had.

Best friends didn't lie. Family didn't keep things from each other. Confidants don't break your trust.

I had often wished I could speak to Marley in the last year I'd been without her, but never more than I did now, just so she could speak for herself. I kept telling myself that it didn' make sense, and that a piece of the puzzle was missing. But there wasn't. I had the pieces. Even if they didn't fit together to make a pretty picture. A shiver shot down my spine as a breeze from the bedroom window blew inside the room. I had opened it a little while ago, when I'd thought some fresh air would help me feel less nauseous.

It hadn't. All it did was just make me colder than I already was.

Sighing, I stood up from the bed slowly, and made my way over to the window. I grabbed the sill to pull it down, but paused when I saw two figures standing in the parking lot in front of the hotel. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it was Tyler and Logan.

I could only see their backs, but even that told me whatever conversation they were having wasn't a pleasant one. I could practically see the tension between the two of them. Tyler was the one talking as far I could tell. He threw one hand up in the air in a frantic motion, running the other through his hair in an action of anxiety. Logan was shaking his head firmly in response to whatever Tyler was saying, which only seemed to make my oldest brother more enraged. Tyler's hands dropped. Logan's hands went up in the air as he evidently took his turn talking. I couldn't hear a word they were saying from where I was, but I had a feeling I wouldn't want to even if I could.

I hated that I'd made this happen. I should have never made us come here. It was my fault any of this was even happening. I was the one who wanted to come to Brinley. I was the one who had wanted to see Marley. If I hadn't, we would be home now, and I would be none the wiser of the truth. I never liked the truth. I would have been perfectly content living in ignorance. At least that way, my sanity could stay intact.

For a little longer anyway. I sighed again, slowly lowering the window into place and stepping back to go back to sitting on the bed.

But stopped dead in the tracks once more when I saw Tyler swing a punch at Logan's face seemingly without warning.

I gasped as Logan staggered back from the impact, falling back against the car he'd been standing in front of and grabbing his jaw in his hands. A second passed and I watched with wide, fearful eyes as Tyler spat something at Logan.

My younger older brother yelled something back.

Then he took a swing at Tyler. I gasped even louder and stumbled backwards away from the window, unable and unwilling to watch anymore of the scene in front of me. A sick feeling filled my stomach as I collapsed onto the bed.

Of all the times I had ever seen my brothers fight, it had never been like that. Never physical, never violent, never rageful. But that was all of the above and more.

Groaning softly in frustration and sorrow, I laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

It was so much. All so much. Always so much. I couldn't escape it. No place on earth, familiar or not offered any relief from it all. I was so tired. So heavy. So beaten down. And it only seemed to get worse every day. My heartbeat in my chest quickly.

My breathing became ragged and shallow. The emotions rising inside of me like a bitter title wave, taking over every inch and every organ inside of my body in only half an instant. Tears ran down my face in fat, uncontrollable droplets that dripped off my jaw and onto the bed spread underneath me. I was so overwhelmed at that moment.

More packed to the brim with too many thoughts and feelings than I thought even humanly possible. My chest heaved. Air seemed vacant. I was sure I would die if I didn't get a hold of myself soon.

I had done this so many times. Felt this way so many times. It was so familiar it killed me.

I curled myself into a ball on the bed, my tears soaking the comforter around me as I tried and failed to catch some air in my lungs. I closed my eyes. It brought no consolation. I couldn't breathe. That was the only thought the went through my head as my body began to ache from the lack of oxygen. I couldn't breathe.

And I hated that it was almost a relief.

-THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE-

I didn't say anything about the bruises on my brother's faces when they came inside. They didn't say anything about my tear stains either. A conscious decision not to acknowledge the trouble with our family. A means of survival. It was always just a means of survival. Tyler didn't say anything to me when he came in.

Other than a quick hug and a whispered 'I love you', Logan didn't either.

The car ride to the airport was silent. So was the plane ride itself. And it wasn't just because I'd taken my hearing aids out. After my breakdown in the hotel room, the noise had become more than I could handle. And it made the silence between my brothers a little easier to deal with. It wasn't until the car ride back to our house in Harlan that the silence broke. I lifted my head off the cold glass window when I felt someone gently tapping my knee from the front seat. Logan was turned around and looking at me with a weak smile that made the grayish bruised skin around his left eye crinkle up a little. He waved at me when I gave him my full attention. I waved back to indicate I was listening, but didn't offer any sort of smile in response.

"We're going to stop for food on the way home. What do you want to eat?" He signed to me. I shrugged. Food was the last thing on my mind right now. All I wanted was to get back to the house and curl up in my room-the only semi familiar thing left in my life-and hide away until I had to go back to school in a few weeks. But even I knew that was unrealistic. And maybe if I ate something the sick feeling in my stomach would go away. I doubted it, but it seemed worth a try. And besides, I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten anything, since I'd barely touched dinner last night and hadn't been able to stomach any food this morning.

"Burgers okay?" He signed. I only shrugged again. Logan bit his bottom lip in thought as he lowered his hand, staring at me for a moment with conflicted eyes. He was worried about me. He always was, but it was more clear than usual tonight. I hadn't tried very hard to ease his worries. If I had been in better spirits, I may have but tonight, I just didn't have it in me. I was drained. Physically and emotionally I was depleted. I couldn't handle my own emotions. I had no room for anyone elses.

"You alright?" His question was far from unexpected. And so was my answer.

"I'm fine."

Logan winced slightly at my answer, but nodded anyway and turned around to face forward once more. He didn't argue with me. Maybe another day he would have. But not today. "What do you want?" Tyler signed me in the rearview mirror when we arrived in the parking lot of a Mcdonald's restaurant. I shrugged. He thinned his lips and his chest rose and fell with a sigh, but all he did was shake his head and step out of the car, leaving me and Logan by ourselves. The car was still for a moment. Neither of us moved. It felt weird being uncomfortable with Logan.

Since I'd moved to Maryland, Logan had been my rock. The cornerstone of my vision of my family. He was my best friend here. My rock, and my protector. He was the only member of my family I always felt safe with. The only person at all I always felt safe with. He was my Marley. And now, it felt like I was losing him too.

Our connection seemed to be lost in the grief and emotional exhaustion of the last few days, and a part of me knew that even if it resurfaced, it would never be the same. He had lost someone he once knew. So I had I, in a different way. It hurt. All of it hurt. And if there was one thing I had learned in all the years of my life, it was that hurt changed a person.

Whether you knew it or not, hurt would always change you. There was no way around it. No matter how badly you wished there was. Logan turned in his seat to look at me once again. This time, he didn't say anything. Just stared at me with big, sad eyes that made me feel small and sorry as I was scrutinized under her gaze.

I pulled one knee against my chest as I stared back at him, unsure if I should do or say anything.

"I'm sorry," He signed after a moment. I didn't respond. "I'm sorry," He set his lips in a hard line as he turned around a little further in his seat so he was almost fully facing me. "I'm so sorry my sweet Belle. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." His eyes grew glossy and I shrank back into my seat, impossibly unsure of what I was supposed to do in this situation. A tear rolled down his face and a strike of panic rose in my chest at the sight. I felt helpless as I watched him. I wished I could help, but I didn't know how. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't know how to stop it or make it better. All I could do was sit and listen as best I could.

"I'm sorry," He said again, shaking his head. "I'm just...so sorry. About everything. I love you so much."

When he finished signing his words, he buried his head in his hands and leaned against the back of the seat as his body trembled slightly as he cried. My heart ached seeing him so broken. I knew what it was like. I'd been there before. Too many times to count. But no one had been there for me when I was breaking. No one had ever tried to help me or make it feel better. And yet, I was desperate to find a way to do that for Logan. I may not have deserved it, but he did.

In a moment of panic, I leaned forward out of my seat and maneuvered myself so that I could wrap my arms around Logans curled up form.

He looked up at me as I did, unwinding his arms from around himself and wrapping them around me instead, pulling me as close to his body as the center console of the car would allow. He rested his head on top of my chin, and I felt the warm sensation of tears falling onto my scalp from above. I didn't make any attempts to move away. I barely even breathed. He needed this. The way he held me as he trembled with soft, silent sobs told me as much. And I obliged without complaint.

In this world, emotions are subjective.

They don't mean the same thing to every person. The way one deals with a feeling, could be the exact opposite of the way another does. Emotions don't affect people the same way. Especially negative ones.

Some of us are strong. Built for nothing but the tragedy and hardship that life gives us. And some of us are not. And therefore, it is the job of the strong to take care of the others.

Even when we fear we are not strong enough.

A/N-Merry Christmas my loves! This is my present to you! I am alive believe it or not. Just suffering through junior year day by day. When I started this story, I was starting high school. Now I'm headed towards the end of it. I hope I finish this story before then lol but at the rate I'm going, I won't. But anyway, how Is every how are we feeling? Are we all sad to see our favorite characters in such bad places? Because I am.

And also through all of this I want you to remember just how much Marley meant to Izzy. She wasn't just a friend. She was her family, and basically the only person who every really cared about Izzy. The idea that she wasn't as perfect and amazing as Izzy saw her as, and that she may have even lied to her is very hard for Izzy to accept, and we can see her struggling with accepting any negative attributes of someone who means so much to her. I wanted to show the complexities of realitships and the layers of a person. Marley was a good friend to Izzy, but lied to her for years. Izzys Mom was a bad person, but she was still worth admiring in the eyes of a young woman. It's all subjective. It's all relative. None of it is singular.

Anyway, go drink some water and eat a snack, and maybe take a shower if you have time. Love you lots and hope Santa is good to you all.