Stability is relative. Just like happiness or Success it is a carefully balanced scale of perspective, different for each person who seeks it. Stability it's something we all strive for, and something most spend their entire life clinging to. 

It comes and goes like wind in a sail, either propelling you forward or pummeling you back. Like the earth spinning on its axis just shy of too far left, a person's stability often feels like it will fall apart at any given second. Stability is fragile. And mine is broken. Stability in every aspect of my life has always been fleeting. Unreachable. Unattainable. Like a handful of water, I've never been able to hold onto it. 

In myself, and in my life, I've always craved the idea of stability and all the things that come with it. But stability is not something most of us get to choose. Me least of all. And though I wish for it and pray for it, I doubt I will ever be fortunate enough to hold it in my hands. Instability is everywhere in this world. In an emotional sense, as well as a physical one. 

The motion of the plane was starting to make me feel sick. With each dip and bump in the air, my stomach rolled with anxiety and discomfort, making me wish I'd taken Tyler up on his offer to drive all the way to Georgia instead of flying. 

Flying was faster, and I had assumed it would be easier, which had seemed like the logical choice when I made this decision a week ago, but now, I would give almost anything to feel my feet on the ground once again. I'd never been afraid of flying, but the instability of the flight itself mixed with my already overwhelming fear and anxiety was proving to be an unfortunate combination. My fingers were digging into the armrest with so much force that if I opened my eyes, I was sure I'd see indents in the leather of the seat. I was grateful that Logan and Tyler had both been so gracious, and allowed me to over take almost all of the shared space on either side of me. 

Though Logan had offered to give me the window seat too many times to count, I'd insisted I'd be fine in the middle seat, and now I didn't regret that decision, seeing as I was too worked up to even open my eyes, let alone appreciate the view.

We'd been on the plane for two and half of the three hour flight, and I had yet to be able to relax for even a second since we took off. But to be fair, I hadn't been able to relax for a lot longer than that, since this vacation started. We'd left the cabin in Vermont early this morning, before any of my siblings-with the exception of Nolan who drove us to the airport-even woke up. I hadn't slept a wink last night. 

After an exhausting few days of what felt like endless celebrations, with my birthday and Christmas all tied into two short days, I'd thought I'd be able to crash as soon as my head hit the pillow last night. But after a few hours of tossing and turning, too anxious and worried for our impending trip to Georgia, I'd realized that was not the case. I had been wide awake when Logan came to get me at quarter past six, and by the look on his face when he saw me, he could see it too. 

The plane lurched downwards one more time. My body seized up in discomfort, but I didn't make a sound. Or I thought I didn't make a sound. I'd somehow convinced Tyler I could manage the flight without my hearing aids, so truly, I couldn't be sure of how long or quiet I really was. Gentle fingers wrapped around my wrist and detached my nails from the leather. 

I didn't have to open my eyes to know it was Logan. He cupped my hand in his and squeezed it tight in reassurance. I swallowed hard and squeezed his back. We'd done this countless times since the start of the flight. It was a silent way to remind me he was here. That I was safe. That I wasn't alone. And though I appreciated his effort more than I could express, I couldn't say it was helping quite as much as he thought it was. 

But I didn't tell him that. I didn't tell him anything. 

The plane dipped down in the air one more time and I squeezed Logan's hand so hard I could imagine the pale color his skin had turned to. But he just squeezed mine even firmer. The plane stabilized in the air. I felt a hand carefully cup the back of my head as I slowly opened my eyes to look at my oldest brother. 

"Almost over." He mouthed, forcing a small smile. I breathed in shakily, my hand still gripping Logans fiercely. 

"I'm sorry." I mouthed back in a whisper. 

Tyler frowned and slowly shook his head. "Don't be." 

I nodded slowly and looked forward at the seat in front of me, my heart dropping yet again as the plane swayed from left to right. We had 30 minutes left of our flight. 30 minutes until we landed in my hometown. 30 minutes until the wait was over. My fear and worry had been palabale since yesterday, when I realized this was really happening. It'd been all I could focus on, even with all the distracting chaos of my birthday and Christmas. 

Both celebrations should have served as enough distraction to keep me unfocused on the sour emotions my trip was causing, but somehow, even though the mayhem and exiliation of celebrating my first christmas and birthday with my family hadn't been enough to keep my mind off what lay ahead. Who lay ahead. Both my birthday and Chrimas had gone better than I could have even hoped for. We'd spent the last two days with my whole family together, laughing, smiling, playing, and enjoying ourselves so thoroughly it was almost easy for me to lose myself in all the joy. Almost. Not quite. Not really. Not ever. But it'd been closer than I'd been to joy in a very long time. 

They'd spoiled me. Given me more gifts that I'd received in all 13 years of my existence, and more attention and care than I could ever need. They'd loved me in those few days. And a part of that didn't fear the notion, loved them too. 

But that part is never the one that wins in the battle of self preservation.

The plane bounced one more time. I sighed heavily, growing more tired by the second of being so uncomfortable and nervous. Instability is exhausting. I checked the time on Tylers watch that rested on his wrist to my left. 15 minutes. I swallowed hard and pulled my hand out of Logan's grip so I could wrap both my arms around my center. He frowned slightly in my peripheral vision, but didn't attempt to pull me back, for which I was grateful. 

"Are you okay?" Tyler signed to me slowly. 

I sighed deeply and nodded. "I'll be fine." 

"10 minutes. That's all." His reassurance was in vain, but I smiled anyway and nodded to appease him. 10 minutes. I glanced back at the watch. 5 minutes. I swallowed hard and turned my gaze towards the ceiling of the plane and counted to 60, then repeated that same process five more times until my head began to ache and the plane began to sink lower in the air.

I exhaled a sigh of relief when I felt Tyler squeeze my hands beside me, a silent signal that something was happening, in this case, the plane finally landing. I only looked away from the ceiling when Tyler's light grip on my hand tugged gently to get my attention. He smiled at me and stood up, pulling my arm with him so I would do the same. 

I swallowed again to force down what I could of the rising fear and discomfort in my throat, and glanced behind me at Logan. 

"You okay?" He signed quickly with a gentle smile filled with sympathy and worry. I nodded slowly and allowed myself to be pulled upwards to stand beside Tyler, both his and my backpacks slung over his shoulders as he stood in the aisle waiting for the crowd to move forward. He pushed me in front of him when I stood, keeping his hands planted firmly on my shoulders to guide me through the narrow lane. 

My heart leaped in my chest as I looked out one of the open windows and saw the layout of my small town in front of me. I was here. Really, truly, honestly here. And I couldn't decide whether I liked it or not. My heartbeat in my throat like a drum at an irregular rhythm, Tyler's hands squeezing my shoulders at the same pace behind me. It took us only 10 minutes to get off the plane, and when we did, I breathed a sigh of relief to be back on solid ground. 

But before I had the chance to really appreciate the feeling, the blue plastic case of my hearing aids being shoved into my face cut it off. I frowned up at Tyler, who just smiled sympathetically down at me and motioned towards my ears as if I didn't know what they were. 

"For now," He signed when I hesitantly took them in my hand. "Until we get to the hotel." 

I looked at Logan. He just shrugged unhelpfully. I hesitated for a moment as I stared down at the case, debating whether or not to make today the day I made my stand. My head hurt, I was exhausted, I was nervous. Hearing the world in all its chaos would only make those things worse, and everything else in its wake. 

I sighed after a moment of thought and slowly opened the case and extracted the hearing aids from the box and slid them into my head, wincing at the immediate discomfort of echoing voices and noises filling my normally silent world. Tyler nodded in appreciation, completely unsurprised at the unwavering compliance I'd always given him, at the expense of myself. The compliance I would always give him. I shoved the case back in my sweatshirt pocket and sighed deeply as I looked at my two older brothers, who were watching me with various expressions of happiness and concern. 

"Are you excited?" Logan asked cautiously. I waited for a moment, again weighing my options of truth versus compliance, but of course, I nodded my head and forced a smile. "You'll have to show us around Brinley this time while we're here." Logan continued, starting to walk towards the airport door with me and Tyler hot at his heels. "We didn't really get to look around last time we were here." 

The last time we were here was in October, for my mothers funeral service. Things had been so different back then. Better in some ways, easier, if only in the physical sense. That was only a couple months ago, and yet, I could barely remember who I was back then. I didn't like who I was back then. I liked who I was now even less. But I tried not to think about that too much. 

Tyler nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Izzy, you'll have to show us all your favorite spots around here. We'd love to see them." 

"I want to see Mom." I sighed back, ignoring their optimistic suggestions. Mom, and Marley. 

I needed to see both. I wanted to see one. I hoped I would see either. 

I didn't care about sightseeing, or playing tour guide for my brothers, I had no favorite spots, or special places in this town. This place was the bane of my existence, and somewhere I only called home for the few people in it I'd loved. But they're gone now. All of them. And now this place was the graveyard of unfulfilled promises and unshed tears that lingered in the air like smoke infiltrating your airways. 

Tyler and Logan exchanged a look over my head. "We will, Iz. We'll see her, I promise." 

I nodded curtly, walking a little faster to come to Logan's side, where he smiled at me and offered his hand. I looked up at him, and saw the hopeful gleam in his eyes. I took his hand without a sound. 

"We can do whatever you want on this trip, baby. We're here for you after all." He leaned down to whisper in my ear. I sighed deeply and nodded, letting Logan pull me into his side as we walked down the street. 

It looked the same. Every store, every shop, every building, looked exactly as I remembered it. And yet, it could not have felt more foreighn to me. Brinley hadn't been home for a long time. But I guess I hadn't realized just how alien it had become. Or how alien I had become. Brinley was the same. I was far from it. But hardly was that for the better. 

"Happy to be home?" Logan asked softly, tugging at my hand so I would look up at him. I tore my eyes away from the row of familiar stores and gave my full attention to his smiling face. All I did was give him a small smile and look away before he could see doubt in my eyes. 

"I'm excited to be here. Much better weather than Vermont, huh Iz?" Tyler teased, jogging up beside us from where he'd lagged behind earlier. 

I nodded this time, happily agreeing that Georgia weather was most definitely 10 times better than any I'd seen in Maryland or Vermont in the last few months. 65 degrees and sunny was much more my speed than the single digit temperatures we'd been seeing since the middle of November. If there was anything to miss about Brinley, it was the feeling of sunshine in December. 

"I don't like the cold." I signed, almost relieved to have something else to discuss other than Brinley itself, and the 'home' I was returning to. 

Tyler laughed, seeming to share the sentiment as he visibly relaxed at my words. "Yeah, I think you mentioned that a time or two. You lasted, what, a half hour yesterday?" 

I'd decided only 30 minutes into my skiing lesson with Jace that I had seen enough snow for the rest of my life yesterday afternoon. Jace, and Liam who'd been tasked with teaching me for the day, had tried their best to get me to enjoy their favorite winter pass time, but in the end, they'd given up rather quickly and settled for taking me back to the lodge to drink hot chocolate and watch a Christmas movie on TV. Kasey had joined us later in the day, and agreed with me wholeheartedly that a movie and a hot drink was better than wet socks and a faceful of snow. We'd spent most of the day there while the rest of our family, sans Jace who'd stayed back to watch the movie with us, skied for most of the day. 

After that we'd all met up and went to a nice dinner before going home to exchange the christmas gifts we'd gotten for each other. I'd picked out little trickents I'd found at an arts festival with Logan a few weeks earlier to give to each of my siblings, and though it was small and incomparable to what I'd gotten from each of them, all of them including Emma had gushed about how much they'd loved them. Since I hadn't known Kasey was coming, I didn't have one for her, but I'd chosen to sketch a picture of her instead to make up for it. She'd done her own share of gushing over that too, even after I insisted it wasn't that wonderful. 

"Not even," Logan taunted, bumping my hip gently. I shook my head in slight amusement and stepped to the side so he couldn't do it again. "She only lasted as long as it took for the hot chocolate to be made inside." I looked up at him with furrowed eyebrows and a small smile but he just stuck his tongue out at me like a child. 

"That's okay, Iz, don't worry you wouldn't be the only person in our house who doesn't like the snow," Tyler gently touched the back of my head to make me look at him, and I complied without a fuss. "Henry hates the snow. He wouldn't even try skiing for the first bunch of years we went to the cabin." 

"Yeah, me and Jace always tried to drag him outside, but he would make such a ruckus, that Ty would just stay back with him so we wouldn't have to hear it." Logan laughed. 

Tyler shook his head. "That kid's been a handful since the day he was born, I tell you." 

"But we love him." 

"And he's lucky that we do. Otherwise he'd be out on his ass." Tyler grumbled, suddenly much more serious than he had been a moment ago. 

I frowned slightly, not quite understanding his words, but he didn't seem to notice me. 

"Here it is," Tyler said when he gestured towards the hotel we'd stayed at the last time we'd been in Brinley. It too was exactly the same as the last time I'd seen it. And yet, it might as well have been another planet. "You guys ready to go inside? I don't know about you two, but I'm dead on my feet, and I say we go inside and take a nap to fuel up for the rest of the day." 

Me and Logan looked at each before nodding at Tyler and following him inside.

And as we walked through the lobby, my hand in Logans still and my oldest brother leading the way, I wondered how long my stability would stay intact this time. 

-THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE-

"You sure you don't want to eat anymore?" Tyler asked, poking his head out of the sliding glass door to look at me. 

I didn't look at him as I shook my head, eyes never veering from the colorful bursts of energy erupting in the sky above me. 

A cold wind swept over me, and I pulled my knees close to my sweatshirt clad chest, settling back in the mesh porch chair. The fire words had started an hour ago. A Brinley tradition this time of year; the pre-new years eve fireworks display. They'd be there every night for the next few days, a reminder of all the joy and life that had happened this year. All the wins, all the losses, it would all be summed up and honored through explosions of blossoming colors in the sky, as if that would somehow wrap it all up with a neat little bow. 

"You didn't eat much, Iz. Are you sure?" 

I nodded fiercely, still keeping my gaze planted on the sky, unwilling to miss a second of the pointless Brinley tradition I'd been watching every year since I was a baby. Me and Marley had watched it together last year. She'd just moved into her new apartment, only a few blocks away from here, and she'd insisted her roof was the perfect place to watch the display. She'd been so proud, to have her own home, to have her own space. 

It was her greatest joy to move into that apartment. She said she wanted to spend the rest of her life there, in that nice, clean, safe little apartment. In the end, she'd barely gotten a full three months there. And a place that I'd once seen as a safe haven for me and my best friend, turned into something tainted and broken. 

I didn't know what had become of that apartment. I'd never been able to bring myself to check. I was sure someone else lived there now, the stains long cleaned up and the scent long banished into the outside air. Maybe a couple, young and in love, starting their lives in Brinley with joy in their hearts and a future in their heads. Maybe it was an old woman, too old to live alone anymore but the perfect age for a fifth story apartment where she could watch birds out her window and sit on her porch during the summer. Or maybe it was a young girl, no older than Marley had been when she moved in, who dreamed of something of her own, somewhere safe, and clean, and nice, all to herself. 

I think that would break my heart the most. If someone else got to live out the life Marley never did. 

The door squeaked a little as Tyler slid it open further to step outside the rest of the way, slowly walking towards where I sat at the other end of the porch, his eyes scanning with muted awe as he too watched the colors blossom in the air. He pulled a chair out and sat down beside me. I didn't look at him, and he didn't look at me. 

"I love fireworks," He said softly. "Ever since I was a kid. Always begged Mom and Dad to take me to go and see them when the displays were in town during the summer. Dad even bought me a box of fireworks for my birthday when I was 10. I almost blew my fingers off but it was still fun." He laughed softly but I didn't pay him any attention. 

Tyler sighed, leaning his head against the back of the chair in what I thought may have been more exhaustion than disappointment. "Logan went to go get some dessert if you do decide you're hungry. I think he said something about chocolate ice cream." 

I was sure he knew all too well that I wasn't listening, but he didn't seem to care as he filled the silence that had previously only been occupied by the bursts of noise in the air and the soft cries of joy throughout the city. I'd decided to put on my hearing aids for this. Even if my head was pounding and my ears were sore, I had decided hearing the fireworks was worth the pain it caused me. 

If I closed my eyes and listened carefully, I could almost hear Marley. Calling my name, gasping softly, telling me how happy she was that I was there. So many years we'd done it. Each year worse than the last, and each display better than before. I'd thought it'd be forever. Just last year, she'd promised me it would be. 

I asked if she thought we'd still be doing this 10 years from then. If it would feel as special 10 years from then. She'd laughed at me, like she always did, and called me dramatic for the way I'd phrased it. Then she'd told me it would always feel this special. 

And we'd always be doing this, even if we were grown up and moved on, we'd still find a way to do this for the rest of our lives. For forever. She promised that I'd never get rid of her, and we'd be stuck together like glue on paper for the rest of time.

And she'd broken that promise. But what else could I really expect in this world. 

"This is beautiful." Tyler said softly as a flower of red and blue lights exploded in the sky above us. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and tilted my head back to see it better. The world was quiet tonight. Almost still. Maybe it was the cold that kept the world at bay. Or maybe it was me. I could never really be sure, but either way, I didn't really mind. Quiet was quiet, no matter how it came about. 

"I'm happy to be here with you, Izzy," Tyler said after another beat of silence. "I really, really am. I know- I know things haven't been easy lately, and- and I'm so sorry. But I love you," My breath caught in my throat, but I was fairly certain he didn't notice. "And I hope this makes you feel better after everything that's happened." I didn't say a word. I didn't move a muscle. My heartbeat in my chest pounded in my ears, overruling the crackling noise above us. The wind seemed colder and more brutal than it had a moment before, making it more difficult to breathe. "Things'll get easier, Izzy. I promise eventually things will get better," He turned towards me in my peripheral vision, but I sat like a statue in my seat, not giving him as much as a glance. "I'll try to make them better, okay Iz? I swear I'll try. I love you." 

I nodded curtly, wishing he would stop talking and leave me alone, but he didn't seem to get the hint as he sighed and settled back in his chair. He said he loved me. No one had said that to me in a long time. It seemed wrong, somehow, that he was the one to say it after all this time. I wasn't sure who should have done it, but for some reason, it didn't seem like it should be him. I swallowed hard to keep my emotions suppressed, but a lump of unshed tears formed in my throat, too thick to move in any direction. The fireworks seemed to explode 10 times louder at the silence between us. 

Tyler seemed to deflate beside me, but even as guilt stabbed at me from every direction I couldn't bring myself to say a word. I hugged my knees impossibly close to my chest as I borrowed my chin between them, closing my eyes and listening to the cracking of fire in the sky and the soft whispering noise of Marley calling my name. Tyler didn't move either. I wasn't sure if it was because he also didn't know what to say, or if he was still waiting for me to say something, but either way, the silence hung heavy on both our shoulders. 

The final round of fireworks rang clearly through the air, in 8 crackling bouts of light and color I didn't see and could barely hear other sounds of my own thoughts. Neither of us moved even after the show was over. I wasn't sure I knew how at that moment. After a few minutes of shared nothingness, we were interrupted by the sound of the hotel door opening back inside, and Logan calling to see where the two of us were. I heard Tyler's chair shift slightly against the cement of the porch. And then a moment later, I heard him sigh as he stood up. 

"Come in if you want to eat something. I'm sure you'll like whatever Logan brought." 

And then he walked inside and shut the door behind him. 

A tear ran down my cheek as I gently removed my hearing aids and placed them inside the case for safe keeping, shutting the door in my own way.

 The world is full of slamming doors. Both physical and metaphorical. 

The world is a place of hollow ends, and final gestures. It is filled with places you cannot go, and lines you cannot cross. And when those places are breached and those lines are crossed, someone gets hurt. 

And rarely is that someone anyone but me. 

A/N-Surprise! I'm back at least for now :)) I finally managed to get this done after two months of trying and I really really hope you all enjoyed it

I wanted to give you all some good old fashioned fluff along with some well deserved angst and I hope for your sakes I succeeded.  I was gonna make a chapter about Christmas, but every time I started that chapter it  just felt too fluffy and happy. And we all know we don't do happy in this story. 

Okay, quick life update; I am taking PSATs tomorrow and I have no idea if I should be stressed or not and that in itself is making me stressed, and I'm going to Universal in a few days which is exciting but also stressful because all the clothes I ordered from Shein (They're cheap don't judge me I'm broke as hell) AREN'T COMING, and finally, I am getting close to wrapping up 10th grade and though I excited, I'm also terrified of Junior year. So yeah. Thats it. I'm stressed. Always. Also, thank you all so much for 600k on this story!!! I love you all and I'm so grateful for all of your support!