They tell you patience is a virtue. That good things come to those who wait. They tell you your time will come, that everything will fall in place when it's supposed to. They say everything happens for a reason. I've been patient for years. For almost all of life, in reality. Patient with my mother, patient with my classmates, patient with the world. And still, none of them have ever treated me better.

My time for the ease, simplicity, and joy everyone else got to have has yet to come, even after all these years of undeterred patience. For a long time, I thought it was unfair. Or maybe I still did. But for most of my life I was angry about it. Fed up and tired of waiting for an ideal that had failed me time and time again.

But eventually I got tired of waiting. I got sick of wallowing in the unfairness of life I'd come to know so well and simply accepted things how they were. It was the first of many times I had accepted the inadequacies of the world for the sake of my own sanity.

But even with the acceptance I'd given all those years ago, there were times when I still found myself waiting. Times when I would beg and plead with the universe to give me the kindness and ease I so desperately wanted. And every one of those times, my patience has been as futile as the last. But that never stopped me the next time. And it seemed it wouldn't this time either.

I'd been lying in bed for over an hour, my eyes shut and my body as still as a corpse, thinking and making silent pleas of the universe that perhaps my years of patience may finally do me some good. I begged shamelessly to whoever may have been listening to the desperate words filling my brain. I hadn't dared to open my eyes, fearful that when I did, I would come face to face with the very source of my dilemma.

Other than a few short instructions from my oldest brother, me and Tyler hadn't spoken a word to each other since last night. I couldn't decide if it was because I didn't know what to say or because there was nothing to say at all, but either way, we'd barely looked at each other since we'd left the porch. Guilt ate at me. Had been eating at me since the door slammed behind Tyler last night.

He'd said he loved me. Said it twice, actually. And I hadn't said a word. Hadn't even made a sound. The look on his face still haunted me. It was burned into my brain like a branding on a cow. He'd been hurt. Hurt by me. It was an alien notion that I could cause someone else pain, and by the way it made me feel, I was content to keep it that way. I couldn't face him. Not last night, and not yet today, even if I could see the morning light streaming in through the glass door leading to the porch.

I'd been making my silent pleas while pretending to be asleep for the last hour or so. It was an act of fruitless patience, or maybe just plain denial, but whatever it was, it kept my eyes anchored shot, and my body still as cement. It was times like this when I was grateful for my lack of hearing. It was easier to pretend to be asleep when nothing could technically wake you up.

A part of me didn't want to get up at all. Wanted to stay in bed, and wither away in my own sorrow until the universe succumbed to the weight of my unwavering patience. But another, denser part of me, was all too aware of the inevitable discomfort that was headed my way, and wanted to get it over with. It would only make things worse if I left them alone for too long. And considering I was up before the crack of dawn most days, it might seem suspicious if I stayed asleep for too long.

Logan was awake. I'd felt the mattress shift an hour ago, the left side slowly rising when my brother removed his weight from the bed. I had no idea if Tyler was awake, but since he usually woke up around the same time as I did, there was a good chance that he was. I wondered if he was still in the room. Or if he'd left me and Logan here so he wouldn't have to see me. I couldn't be sure if he was still angry or not, but based on his cold reaction last night, I couldn't imagine he was very happy with me.

I felt bad. Awful, in fact. But I didn't know how to make that clear to him. I should have just said it back. Swallowed any defiant emotions in me and pretended to share his feelings, if only to appease him.

It felt wrong when he said it. Not infeasible, but wrong. Somehow, sour, and misplaced. Like it shouldn't have been him, it shouldn't have been there, it shouldn't have been then. But it was. And I should have just accepted it as it was and played my part as the meek little worm as I usually did. This was my fault. And now I was begging the universe to get me out of it.

I shifted in the bed when I felt the morning light bore too brightly into my eyelids, disrupting the fake state of sleep I'd let myself fall into. A little longer, I told myself. I would wait here just a little longer. But before I could put that plan into action, I felt a gentle hand shake me by the shoulder. I tensed immediately, and pinched my eyes shut tighter for a second, wishing whoever it was would leave me alone, seeing I'm trying to sleep. But I had no such luck.

The hand shook me again, a little harder this time, but with no more urgency. I swallowed hard before I slowly fluttered my eyes, flipping to lay on my back to face the culprit of whoever had woken me from my fake slumber. And unsurprisingly, I was met with the sight of Logan's smiling face beaming down one me.

"Good morning, Belle!" He signed, still towering over me from the other side of the bed. I blinked at him for a second, clearing the blurry remnants of sleep stuck in my eyes as I offered a weak, and exponentially fake smile in return.

"Good morning." I signed back, sitting up against the headboard. Logan leaned back, sitting on the bed beside me as he smiled softly. I looked around the room, one hand rubbing at my eye as I scanned for any sign of my oldest brother. I couldn't decide whether to be relieved or disappointed when I didn't see one.

"How did you sleep?" Logan regained my full attention when he signed the kind question to me.

I sighed and shrugged a little. "Good," I lied. "I must have been tired."

Logan's smile turned sympathetic as he nodded slowly. "I could see that. Feeling okay? Being in Brinley I mean?"

I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin against my knees as I mulled over his question. I hadn't thought about Brinley in and of itself much since last night. The reminders of Marley had gnawed at me for a few hours, but for the most part, I'd found other ways to occupy my attention. Subconsciously or otherwise, I couldn't be certain, but I didn't have it in me to care. I was wary of being in Brinley.

That much was undeniable. This was a place of memories for me, good and bad. The worst and the greatest days of my life have happened in this city. It was my home. Or it had been. I wasn't sure what it was anymore. Everything about this place that made it home was gone. Had been for nine months. But even now it was a bitter pill to swallow.

I shrugged slowly at Logan. "I'm okay." I signed back.

He furrowed his eyebrows at me. "It's okay if you're nervous, Izzy. This is difficult. It would be perfectly reasonable if you weren't feeling okay." He'd said something similar to me the last time we were in Brinley, for my mothers memorial service.

It's okay to not be okay.

So much had changed since then. I had changed since then. And yet, that phrase didn't seem any truer than it had last time. It wasn't okay for me not to be okay. They all wanted me to be okay. Needed me to be. For my sake, and for theirs, they needed me to be as perfectly okay as I always said I was. I smiled at Logan as convincingly as I could.

"I'm fine. Not nervous." I tried to convince him and myself.

He nodded slowly, accepting, but not believing my answer. "Tyler went to get breakfast. We figured we could spend today together, and then go and see your mom tomorrow?"

I didn't miss the distinction of your mom versus our mom, but I didn't mention it, and he didn't seem to notice. She wasn't his mom. Not anymore. She was barely mine after all this time. Regina Smith didn't belong to anyone. Not as a woman, and certainly not as a mother.

I swallowed thickly and let out a shaky breath. "Sounds good to me."

Logan put a hand on my knee and patted gently, emotions flickering at light speed in the murky blueness of his eyes as he looked me up and down. I wondered how much he knew. How much Tyler had told him. I wondered if he was angry with me too. Maybe he was just good at hiding it.

Though, in the few times I'd seen Logan really and truly angry, he'd hadn't seemed in control enough to hide it. But it wouldn't be the first time someone in my family had caught me by surprise. He lifted his hand off my knee and started to sign something but something to his left caught his attention before he could form any words. He said something I couldn't make out, and then laughed at whatever Tyler must have said in response.

I sat in my silence, the pleas filling my head echoing loud enough to almost drown it out. Almost. A second later, Tyler walked the rest of the way into the room, coming into view dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, with a brown paper bag with the words Bagel Emporium. It was a shop me and Marley had frequented in our years after she got a job, when I'd stay with her and gotten breakfast with her the next morning. Memories of me, her, and Brayden sitting on the floor of Marley's apartment the day after she'd moved in, no furniture in sight, and bagels in our laps. It was one of the happiest memories of my life in Brinley. One of the most prominent too. But somehow the memory seemed sullied in the light of my muddled emotions.

Tyler's gaze landed on me when he stood at the end of the bed. His eyes, gray as steel and cold as ice, looked me up and down with a soft sort of scrutiny. Kind, almost. Understanding. Almost. I searched his face for traces of anger or resentment. What I'd seen so vividly last night. But it was gone now. Turned to a look that made me feel sick with guilt. He stopped walking as he stood there, his grip on the bag tightening slightly as his eyes drooped slightly in what seemed to be a mixture of pity and sympathy.

"Morning." He signed quickly.

I tugged the comforter tighter to my chest and offered him a shaky smile. "Morning."

"I brought breakfast. Figured you would be hungry since you didn't eat much last night." I shrugged and nodded curtly, knowing it was less of a question and more of a direction. Tyler glanced at Logan.

"You hungry?" Logan was leaning against the wall, his eyes flitting between Tyler and me. His throat bobbed slightly as he regarded our oldest brother carefully. Slowly, he shook his head.

"No. I think I'll go for a walk first. We can leave when I get back." He pushed off the wall, shooting the two of us a weary smile. My eyes widened slightly at the uncharacteristic declaration, his true intentions as discreet as a bull in a china shop. He knew about last night.

That much, I was sure of. But what I wasn't certain of, was why he would be so eager to leave me and Tyler alone, knowing what had happened. Logan wouldn't intentionally make me uncomfortable or put me into a poor situation, so there had to be some underlying reason for what he was doing, even if I couldn't pinpoint what it might be. Tyler nodded, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he slowly pulled out two bagels from the bag. Logan winked in my direction and turned on his heels to walk out of the room. Neither of us moved a second after the door shut behind Logan.

I sat like stone on the bed, my knees hugged so close to my chest it was almost painful. Tyler swallowed visibly after a second, putting one of the baked goods onto a paper towel and handing it to me. He also handed me the familiar blue hearing aids case that had been resting on the bedside table since last night.

"Do you mind putting them in? It would make this much easier." He signed to me.

I hesitated for a second, but inevitably didn't argue and took it from him, placing the two screeching pieces of technology into my ears. I flinched when the first wave of sound hit my sensitive brain, seeming to take a lifetime before they finally settled into a steady rhythm of noise. Tyler sat patiently in front of me, waiting until my attention was on him before speaking.

"Me and you need to talk," He started carefully. I curled into myself even further, nodding slowly in agreement, only half meeting his gaze as one hand began to pick at the edge of the comforter. "First of all, I wanted to say that I was sorry," He sighed heavily, his gaze squarely on my face as emotions flickered rapidly through the cold steel of his eyes. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, unsure of what he may be apologizing for, but Tyler just sighed again before he continued.

"I shouldn't have done that last night. It was unfair of me to say that to you, and get upset when you didn't say it back. You can't be expected to reciprocate something as personal as love by anyone, me very much included. What I meant was, I care very much for you, Izzy, and I want to help you as best I can and take care of you during this hard time in your life."

I frowned slightly, unsure of what to make of his apology. It was familiar. Another moment of Deja Vu from the last time we were in Brinley when Tyler had gotten mad at me for not telling him about my mom. He'd apologized then too. And it felt just as wrong and uncomfortable. Tyler shouldn't apologize. It contradicted everything I'd ever known about authority figures and adults in general. It was as foreign to me as it had been every other time he'd apologized to me. It should have been comforting. Reassuring that even Tyler messed up sometimes. But somehow, the idea seemed just as wrong in my mind.

"It's okay," I signed slowly. "I'm sorry if I upset you."

Tyler shook his head without a second of hesitation. "No, you don't need to apologize for a second, Izzy. I was wrong. And the last thing I want is for you to beat yourself up over this. I love you Izzy, but that in no way means you have to express, or even share those feelings towards me."

I didn't miss the way his eyes seized with pain when he said the last part of his sentence. I was hurting him. My existence was hurting him. I felt so sick with guilt it was a wonder I hadn't yet puked. I wanted to tell him that I did. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong and I loved him as much as he claimed to love me. But I could never bring myself to be cruel enough to lie about that. Even if that seemed all I was good at these days.

"I- I just want to say-" He cut himself off.

I didn't look up at him as my fingers worked through the material of the blanket mindlessly. Tyler didn't say anything more either. The silence was, as it always seemed to be for me, blazingly loud.

After a moment, Tyler sighed and stood up from the bed with his gaze transfixed on the wall ahead of him. I saw his throat bob with a swallow as he stood stiffly for a second. He turned his head towards me and studied carefully. He opened his mouth to say something, a pained look stretching across his face.

But then, he shook his head and walked to the other side of the room, dropping down on the other bed without another sound.

And the silence once again turned all consuming.

-THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE-

"You sure you're feeling okay?" Logan asked with narrowed eyes when I stepped out of the hotel room bathroom. I nodded quickly, not meeting his gaze as I tugged on the hem of my t-shirt, not liking the way it rose a little above the top of my jeans, showing off the littlest sliver of skin that really only I would notice.

But me noticing was enough to make the shirt uncomfortable. Because once I did, it was all I would be able to notice. I turned back into the bathroom, grabbing an oversized sweatshirt Finley had loaned me a few weeks ago that he'd told me I could keep, and exchanging one top for the other.

"You seem out of it. Is it because we're in Brinley?" Logan came to lean in the doorway of the bathroom, his eyes narrowed on me as I checked my reflection in the mirror, more for the illusion of being too busy to pay him much attention than the reality of it. I shook my head in negative, wishing he'd stop asking me the same questions and expecting different answers. He'd been like this all day. Clingy and distrusting of the emotional stability I claimed to have while in my home town.

Since he'd come back from his impromptu walk after me and Tyler had finished our conversation-which had left me even more confused and uncomfortable than before-he'd hardly allowed me a second to breath without his eyes pinned to me like a fly on paper. I knew he was worried about me. It was clear in the way he talked to me, the way he watched me, the way he hovered over me. He seemed almost as if he was waiting for me to snap. For the pressure of being in Brinley to get to me, even though, in all truth, there wasn't all too much pressure. It was stressful, and a little heartbreaking, but I had dealt with worse. Always, constantly dealing with worse than just old memories and sad days. But I couldn't tell Logan that. He wouldn't understand even if I could. No one ever did.

"I'm okay." I signed reflexively. Logan narrowed his eyes on me in suspicion, but I chose to ignore that and focus on my reflection instead of his needed, but currently unwanted pity. He sighed deeply, head falling against the door jam as he studied me with an unreadable expression.

"You still up for bowling? If not, we could just go get dinner and come back here?" He signed, his lips twisting slightly.

Tyler had suggested bowling a little while ago while he and Logan had been debating what we should do tonight, since they didn't want to just stay in the hotel room all night. I would have been content to do just that, but of course, I didn't put up a fight. I shrugged. "Guess so."

"You don't seem convinced." He challenged. "I won't be very good at it," I shrugged. "I'm not very good at sports." Other than running, my talents started and ended at the arts, and judging by my lack of success at skiing, it was a toss up of how bowling might go.

Logan relaxed a little bit, as if my innocent worry was enough to reassure him somewhat of my stability. I didn't say anything to the contrary. "I can help you. And so can Tyler. We'll have fun, I promise."

I nodded slowly, turning to face. "What time are we leaving?" I asked, shoving my hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt after I signed.

"Now if you're ready." Logan glanced behind, and motioned towards who could only be Tyler to come forward so we could leave. I tensed up a little and cast my eyes down when he came into the doorway beside Logan. As soon as our conversation had ended, me and Tyler had fallen into a familiar, ridgid silence that hadn't been broken once since this morning. I didn't know what to say to him, and I didn't know how to feel about him either. It was a muddle of emotions inside my already disorderly brain, that I couldn't seem to make sense of.

I was guilty, for making him upset. I was sorry, that I couldn't just fake it for the sake of the peace and stability I wanted so badly. And in addition, I was angry that I had found yet another reason to hate myself and all that I was. Tyler spared me a look when he stepped into the doorway. His eyes drowned in soft, pitiful understanding that I didn't want as he looked me up and down. He sighed after a second, spinning the room key around his finger as

"You both ready?" He asked as he nodded towards the door. I waited until Logan nodded before I did too, following my two brothers out the door. We didn't talk much on the way. Logan and Tyler did, but since they weren't signing, I didn't even bother to attempt keeping up with their conversation. Lip reading was difficult in the best case scenario, and virtually impossible when they were walking and facing away from me.

By the time we arrived at the bowling alley-somewhere I'd only been a few times in my life, mostly for those birthday parties where the parents forced the child to invite the entire class-I had fallen into a pit of thoughts on my own that left little room for much else. I followed silently behind Logan and Tyler as they got what we needed and led us to a lane, where we could set up. After we'd put our shoes on, Logan tugged me by the hand up to the lane, a 10 pound bowling ball in his hand.

"Ready to try this?" He signed with a cheesy grin. I nodded slowly, allowing myself to be pulled towards the lane up until I was standing in front of it with Logan leaning down on one side of me. He gently took my hands and showed me how to put my fingers into the holes of the ball so I could throw it.

Then he guided my hand backwards before flicking it forwards so it fell off my fingers and onto the wood of the lane. The ball raced down the land and slammed into the pins, knocking more than half of them down. Logan threw up his hands happily and I couldn't help but smile a little. It went that way for a while, my brothers taking their respective turns and helping me when I needed it.

I wasn't very good, but it was entertaining to try and even more so to watch them. Quickly they fell into a rhythm of competition with one another, Tyler claiming he was going to beat Logan even though he was significantly worse at the game than his younger brother. Logan of course shot right back with an equally as outlandish claim of what his score would be, and they went back and forth like that a few times.

After a little while, when I'd given up my turns since I had no chance of catching up to my two brothers, I was growing stiff sitting there waiting and decided to take a walk to the bathroom to stretch my legs.

"Where are you headed?" Tyler signed when he saw me stand up.

"Bathroom." I responded with a tense shrug. Tyler pursed his lips slightly and held up a finger telling to wait and dug around in the backpack he'd brought with him for something. I was hardly surprised when he pulled out the blue hearing aids case.

"Just because you're going to be alone. I want you to be alert." He reasoned carefully. I sighed and nodded, taking the case from him and slipping the two devices into my ears, shrinking immediately at the painfully familiar feeling filling the insides of my tender brain. Tyler nodded in appreciation and I turned on my heels to leave, reaching the bathroom in only a second.

I was washing my hands when the door swung open behind me. I was alone, and had been saving the silence that I had lost since I'd put the hearing aids in. I looked up when the screeching door opened and a brown haired girl a few years older than me walked looking down at her phone.

I kept my head down and didn't acknowledge her, in fear it might be a classmate or a kid from town who I had no interest in seeing. I'd managed to make it this long in our trip without any painful interactions with people from my past, but I certainly wasn't looking to change that. The girl went to walk past me towards the stalls, but just as she did so, she glanced up at me in the mirror and gasped softly.

"Izzy Cane," She laughed softly. I cringed and slowly lifted my head to see who it was. The girl grinned at me like old friends, and I faltered slightly when I recognized her. "Izzy, you remember me right? I'm Audrey, Braydens cousin." I nodded slowly, not needing the reminder of who she was.

I'd met Audrey a few times in my life when the Calders had family functions, they invited me to. She was a few years older than me, and had always been kind to me when I saw her. She and Brayden had been close when he still lived here. Very close. The last time I'd seen her was at Thomas trial early last summer, when he'd been let off like a petty thief for murdering my best friend. Seeing her face brought back awful memories. Bitter, painful memories that I wished everyday I could get rid of. Her brown eyes, so very alike to his, gleamed down at me with gentle consideration, as if she was trying to work me out. I bristed under her scrutiny and leaned back against the sink, not offering any sort of emotion back to her.

"Izzy?" She said when I didn't respond. I swallowed hard and pointed to my hearing aids, hoping she would understand and leave me alone. I wasn't sure if I could handle a conversation with her today. Or any day after this one.

I hadn't seen Brayden in months, since before my accident, when I'd found out he knew what Thomas was going to do and never told anyone. It felt like a lifetime ago. My world had changed epically since then, and yet, the anger I felt towards him and the entire Calder family remained unmatched. Audrey was just an extension of that. Her eyes widened slightly.

"Oh you can't- oh I see. What happened?" She asked, sympathy filling her eyes. I shrugged and sighed, not wanting to recap the trauma of my accident from a few months ago. She thankfully seemed to take the hint and didn't press further, but also didn't walk away from me. "Are you okay? It's been a while, and I haven't heard much about you from Brayden," Her smile was a little weaker now. A little sadder. A little more pitiful. I wished she would stop looking at me like that. Like I was a broken doll she'd seen too many times. "And usually he doesn't shut up about you," She laughed softly. Forcibly. "Well, he didn't before...well before the trial, I mean."

She meant the murder. But she wouldn't say that. No one ever would. "Are you guys still close?" By the way she said it, I could tell she already knew the answer. Still, I shook my head. "Oh. That- that sucks. You guys were always so good together. He really adored you."

Not enough not to lie to me apparently. Even three months later, it still made me feel a little sick to think about. He knew. He'd know whether he thought it was real or not, and hadn't done a thing about it. No one who 'adored' anyone would have done that. I may be a stranger to that type of affection, but of that, I was certain.

"How are you? Are you still living with your mom?" She asked when I didn't give any reaction to her description of Brayden. I tensed even further and shook my head, not willing or able to give any more detail than that. Audrey frowned a little and nodded. "Oh. Okay. Are you still in Brinley?" I shook my head again. She frowned a little deeper and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Oh. O-okay. And you're alright?" She asked, seeming a little confused. I just shrugged. Audrey looked me up and down for a minute, studying every part of me as if I was an alien species standing in front of her. When she looked back at my face, an odd look glinted in her eyes that I couldn't decipher. "You should call Brayden, you know. He's been pretty down and out. Maybe a chat with you would make him feel better."

And it would make me feel a whole lot worse. I would turn over in my grave before I ever spoke Brayden Calder again. And I was even more certain of that. But I didn't say that to Audrey. I just gave a curt nod and tucked my hands back into my sweatshirt pocket.

"You sure you're okay, Izzy? You seem a little out of it." Her eyes narrowed in concern as she watched me but I shook my head with the barest of smiles, hoping it would be enough to end this conversation.

Audrey hesitated for a second before giving a clipped nod and stepping backwards away from me. "Call him, if you're up for it. He'd love to hear from you." And with that, she walked away, finally leaving me alone to wallow in the discomfort and anger our interaction had brought on.

Anger wasn't a common emotion for me. Despair and pain were all too familiar, but anger required more emotional capacity than I usually had. But no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to find a better way to feel about him or our situation.

In this world, anger reigned supreme. In almost every case, anger dominates every other emotion that a person may have. It quells the senses, disengages logic for most people. But anger had always been all too logical.

Carefully and strategically place on things worth the energy it takes. I always have been. An attribute of a trait I'd always carried in pride.

But even I wasn't immune to the illogical rage that ruled the world.

And I knew that one day, it could be my downfall.

A/N-I hate this chapter. It sucks, but Idk what else to do with it. It's just a filler anyway but hopefully you guys enjoyed the little fluffy moments I threw in there and don't hate me too much. I wanted to add a little spice with Audrey showing up but IDK what you guys think so LMK. I feel like we haven't talked about Brayden in a hot minute and I wanted to remind everyone that he existed lol. If you don't remember why she was mad at him or if you want to re-read that chapter, it was chapter 24 so you can go back and check it out. What are our thoughts on Brayden going forward? And what about Tyler, how do we feel about him? The next chapter will be FULL of drama so enjoy the peace while it lasts and I swear I will do my best to get it out to you as soon as possible, but as always, please remain patient and remember I have to balance this, school, and work in less than equal parts to ensure my success. Thank you, I love you all, and I am so grateful for everyone who has been so patient and kind towards me.