There is something about seeing the moon in the sky even after the sun comes up that makes me sad. Makes me think the sun still isn't enough to wash away the night. Like there has always been a reminder of the darkness left in the sky, no matter how bright the sun may be. 

Sometimes I feel like that. The moon on a summer day. The last remaining part of the darkness will never quite wash away.The part that still sits in the sky, waiting for the dark to come again. In my world, the sun never quite rises above the trees. The moon, dark side and all, reigns supreme day and night. No matter how close it may get to being overtaken by sweet sunlight, it'll never quite get there. 

Maybe that's why the moon makes me so sad. Because it reminds me of the night. And the moon, and the sun, and everything I'll never quite be. I feel like I've spent so much time trying to outrun things like the moon and the sun. I never fit in with either one. There was no sunshine. I had no moonlight.

I was what I have always known I am; nothing. And that nothing chases after me like a hungry wolf. I close my eyes and try to imagine it isn't there sometimes. I try to imagine that I am not who I think that I am. That I am nothing. And unsurprisingly, it never works. Not even for a second. I spent most of the drive to Vermont with my eyes closed. I wasn't sleeping. Just imagining. Imagining myself as someone else, my life as something else. It wasn't that I wished I wasn't who I am. I just wished it wasn't so hard sometimes.

I caught Nolan's eye in the rear view mirror. He'd been staring at me on and off for the last two hours. I knew he was worried about me after last night. Everyone was. They'd treated me like glass since the second I came back to the table. They all thought I was breaking, but the truth is I broke a long time ago. It's just getting harder to hide. I hate the way Nolan looks at me. I needed his pity, but I didn't want it. I didn't want him to care about me, or worry about me. I needed it, but I didn't want it. I snap my gaze away from his. 

I'm getting tired of looking into ocean blue eyes and seeing nothing but waves of sadness.

He felt bad for me. And I could tell by the similar look Finley had been wearing since the night before, he did too. And for that reason, I couldn't help but feel a spark of gratitude that he was still asleep for the time being. I could vaguely see his slumped form out of the corner of my eye. He, like most normal people, had been only half awake when he dragged himself out of bed and into the car at 6AM this morning. The sun had just barely risen above the trees that lined the highway. I hadn't slept at all. Not this morning, and not last night. It felt like weeks since I had gotten any real sleep. Most nights, it was just hours of me staring at the ceiling thinking myself into oblivion. Last night, I didn't even try. There are times when I have no choice but to accept defeat before the fight begins. It often feels like that or madness.

My eyes flicked to Logan when I saw his sleeping form shift in the front seat. He'd slept at the house last night. He said it was because we had to leave so early, but I had a hunch it had more to do with him not wanting to leave me alone. He quite literally hadn't left my side since last night. He even insisted on sleeping on my bedroom floor, even after I pointed out that he still had a bedroom just across the hall from mine that had remained untouched since he moved out. 

I had even offered to let him share my bed with me, even if I wasn't especially fond of the idea. Even with Logan, certain things still felt too close for comfort. Things that still made my heart rate race and my blood pressure spike. He must have sensed my discomfort with the idea when he gave me a small smile and told me he would be fine on the floor for the night.

I caught Nolan's eye in the rearview mirror one more time. He smiled warily at me, eyes fluttering from the road to the mirror rapidly.

"Are you okay?" He mouthed slowly. I wasn't very good at lip-reading, but I could make out short sentences when someone spoke slowly enough and with enough diction.

I nodded, eyes drifting down to my intertwined hands that rested in my jean-clad lap. Nolan reached back and gently tapped my knee, making me look back at the mirror. "We're almost there. Are you hungry?"

He made an eating gesture with one hand, and I shook my head. "I'm okay."

Nolan nodded slowly and broke eye contact. His chest rose and fell with a deep sigh that I could only assume was exasperation. Exasperation with me, I was sure. Nolan was a very perceptive person. He was the quietest of my brothers, and certainly the most reserved but he was also very understanding and in tune with other people's emotions.

Specifically mine and Emmas. He and my twin were close like I and Logan were. He always seemed to understand her better than the others. Better than I did, most of the time. And Nolan understood me better than most people as well. And that meant he often saw through my thinly veiled lies. As much as we both wished he didn't. We stopped at a red light. Nolan pulled out his phone, typed something out quickly, and handed it to me.

"I didn't get a chance to talk to you last night after you left the restaurant. Are you feeling better?"

"Yes," I typed in response. "I feel much better." He read it the next time we stopped. 

Then he handed the phone back to me. "Okay, I'm glad. You can always come to me if you need help." 

"I know. Thank you." The next twenty minutes were driven in silence until we pulled into the parking lot of a rest stop, where the rest of our disheveled-looking family was waiting for us rather impatiently.

"C'mon Izzy, let's go find something good to eat." Nolan smiled warily, one hand on Logan's shoulder shaking him awake just as he had done to Finley moments before. I waited until all three of them had slid out of the car, before digging through my backpack for the little blue container I had shoved to the bottom the night before. I could feel the hearing aids rattling around against the insulated sides. Tyler had told me I had to wear them throughout our vacation, even after my panic attack last night-which Teo had diagnosed my momentary lapse insanity. His logic was I would be in an unfamiliar place, where being able to hear my surroundings was a matter of safety rather than convenience.

I disagreed, but true to form, I was far from inclined to argue. Just as I was about to slide out of the car after my brothers, the door on my side of the car flung open, making my heart jump into my throat in surprise. Tyler put a hand on my shoulder, steadying me, and furrowed his eyebrows in concern.

"Didn't mean to scare you, buddy," He signed slowly. I quickly shook my head and tucked some of my stray hairs behind my ear as I tried to take a deep breath to fill my lungs with the air they desperately needed. "I was just coming to see if you were okay. I didn't get a chance to talk to you this morning." He moved his hand from my shoulder to the top of my head, smoothing down my unruly chestnut curls. I cautiously moved away from his touch, ignoring the flash of pain and anger in his steel-gray eyes. I wish I could make him understand that it wasn't about him. That my discomfort had nothing to do with him. But I didn't have the words, or the energy to make him understand feelings I could barely comprehend myself. 

"Are you okay?" I shrugged, nodding quickly.

"I'm fine." Fine. I'm always fine. It's all I know how to be at this point. It's all I'm allowed to be. Tylers scrutinizing gaze made me squirm in my seat. He had stopped believing me some time ago. I think everyone had. And yet, none of us were willing to admit that it was a lie. It was easier for everyone if I pretended to be fine. Easier for them, and easier for me. And if there was one thing I aspire to be, it's easy.

"Are you sure? You were pretty upset last night, bud?" He once again reached out to touch me, but I shuffled back, wringing my hands in my lap anxiously. The crawling out of my skin feeling was had been so intense in the last 12 hours. So bitter and awful. And so inescapable. His frown deepened and he shoved his hands into his pockets, stepping back a little.

"I'm okay, Tyler. Don't worry about me." He gave a curt nod and looked over at the sidewalk where I was sure the rest of our family was waiting for us rather impatiently.

"Your hearing aids. I know you had a hard time with them last night, but I want you to wear them as much as possible okay? For your safety." He pointed to the corner of the blue plastic case that was jutting out from my sweatshirt pocket. I gently pulled it out, holding it in front of me in a moment of hesitation.

"And, if you never wear them, you'll never get used to them." I nodded slowly, opening the case and pulling out the two little pieces of hardware, securing one in each ear, cringing at the influx of noise that filled my quiet world.

"Can you hear me?" I looked up at Tyler. He was smiling sadly, eyes filled with too many muddled emotions to place any. Nodding, I slid out of the car and allowed him to shut the car door. I cringed at the piercing sound of the door slamming behind me. "Okay team, here's the deal," Tyler said. His voice rang through my head like a freight train. I whimpered quietly to myself, kicking at a rock near my shoe. Logan, who was standing beside me watching with the usual sullen expression, gently snaked an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his side. "You can take them off when we get inside. Just wait until we get away from Tyler" He whispered to me. I nodded, leaning into him with a sigh of relief.

"We have 10 minutes to get in and out of here. Go to the bathroom, get some food, do whatever you want as long as you are done and back in your respective cars by 8:17," Tyler's gaze fell on me and my twin on my other side. "Izzy and Emma, get your food and meet me at the front counter in the next seven minutes. I'll pay for it with my stuff."

"So what, do I have to pay for my food?" Finley whined.

"Finn, you have a job." Jace reminded, narrowing his eyes at his little brother.

"So? I'm still a minor, meaning that Tyler should pay for my stuff as well."

My oldest brother rolled his eyes. "Whatever Finn, I'll pay for your stuff too. But if you're not at the counter in six minutes you're not getting shit. So get moving." That was all it took for the group to disperse as we all rushed off in separate directions inside the rest stop.

Logan followed me and Emma until we were well out of sight from the rest of our family; specifically our oldest. "Wanna take them out?" Logan took the case out of my sweatshirt pocket and held it out to me. Emma furrowed her eyebrows, one hand rubbing at her tired eyes.

"Hearing aids?" She asked. I nodded, taking the case into my grasp. "How come you're wearing them? After last night, I mean?" "Tyler wanted me too." I signed quickly, shrugging my shoulders, pretending I didn't care. I and Emma hadn't talked about what happened last night. I assume she knew what happened. But we didn't feel the need to talk about it. I didn't feel the need to talk about it. It was one of those things I decided was better off left unsaid for the time being.

Emma looked up at Logan, the two of them sharing a look I didn't bother to decipher. I pulled out my hearing aids, placing them back into the case and soaking up the sudden silence that flooded my brain, washing away all discomfort and affliction for the time being. It didn't take long for me and Emma to split off from Logan, and then each other as we separated to do whatever it was we needed to before we would be stuck in the car for the next four 5 ½ hours. I didn't look in the mirror as I washed my hands in the dirty rest stop sink. It was more intentional than I would admit.

The mirror had always been a sort of unspoken enemy of mine. A traitor to my soul, as I thought of it. The mirror had a habit of showing me everything. Especially the things I didn't want to see. Sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, pale, colorless skin. It never sugar-coated any of. No matter how badly I wanted it to. I stared in the mirror for hours last night. Looking at who I was. Looking at who I am. Looking at who I would be. I hated all of it. My past, my present, and my future. It's tiring. To hate every version of yourself. And looking in the mirror, that's all I could see. How tired I was.

I didn't linger in the bathroom long after I was finished. I assumed Emma had either already left, or would be out soon, and I knew Tyler was likely waiting for the two of us at the front counter like he said he would be. Taking a shuddering breath, I pushed the door open and walked back into the storefront where I began to search for the snack aisle. I hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. I tried to choke down a few of the chicken fingers at dinner last night, but with the discomfort of my hearing aids and the general anxiety that swarmed around me like an angry beehive, every bit felt like trying to swallow a rock.

I had been fairly consistent with my eating habits since getting out of the hospital, but there were still days when I would rather the earth consume me than try and force myself to eat. And walking into the aisle lined with every kind of junk food I could imagine, I decided today might be one of those days. I settled for an unappetizing bag of lays and a blue Gatorade I grabbed from the cold case in front of me.

Walking around the rest stop, I hardheartedly looked for any member of my family that may have been waiting for me. I was in no rush to get back into the car, and in even less of a rush to find Tyler. I would be lying if I said I was as excited for this trip as I was a few days ago. Although everyone else seemed thrilled that I was coming along-most of my brothers have already declared themselves my designated ski instructors, despite Tyler's insistence that he would be the one to teach me-I couldn't help but feel a little distressed at the prospect of being trapped in an unfamiliar place with my family, away from all my guaranteed safety and solace for the next five days. But that's all it was. I kept reminding myself that it was only five days. All I had to do was make it through the next five days, and then I would finally get to go back to my hometown. Somewhere more than familiar.

The next five days were merely time fillers, to get me to Saturday morning. I walked aimlessly through the aisles of the store, my wandering mind barely registering where my feet were taking me. It was a moment of mindful weightlessness. A moment where thoughts took over reality.

But I was snapped back to my usual state of heightened state of awareness when I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder. Immediately, my chest contracted in a panicked inhale and my entire body went rigid. The person spun me around, and suddenly I found myself face to face with a seemingly aggravated Tyler. He was saying something, but in my panicked state, I couldn't even begin to try and make sense of the movement of his lips.

My heart was beating out of my chest and I tried to catch my breath. Tyler stopped talking and reached into my sweatshirt pocket, once again pulling out the plastic case and shoving it into my hands, telling me in no certain terms to put my hearing aids in. And with trembling hands, I once again slid the tiny devices into my ears, cringing at the eruption of noise around me. "Can you hear me?" Tyler asked impatiently. I nodded quickly, blinking back the onslaught of tears I could feel bubbling up in my eyes. "Isabelle, I specifically told you to wear your hearing aids while we were inside, right?" I nodded again. "So why would you walk inside and immediately take them off?" He still held me by the shoulders, his grip surprisingly gentle and cautious, considering how angry he seemed.

"Too loud." I signed slowly. He sighed, his face deflating a bit at my words. "Isabelle, I understand they're not the most comfortable, but I've explained to you why I said to wear them inside. For your safety." His eyes were swimming with emotion, his face cemented into solemnity as he held me in front of him. He studied me for a moment, before sighing and shaking his head. "Izzy, your choices are either be responsible and do what I tell you, or I'll make you hold my hand the whole time like a toddler. Do you understand?" He seemed tired. He seemed outright exhausted. And I couldn't help but think I was the cause of that. Guilt pitted in my stomach. "Isabelle, do you understand?" Tyler asked again when I didn't respond fast enough. I nodded and looked down at my hands instead of his face. He sighed again and stood up from his leaning position, putting a hand on the small of my back and gently pushing me back towards the front of the store.

And as I slid into the car for the second time that day, I couldn't help but wonder if I would be the moon blocking out the sun for the rest of my life. 

A/N-I just posted a playlist for the story! Please go check it out if you want some good (and very sad) music to listen to while you read!

A short, kind of a terrible chapter, but a chapter nonetheless. Sorry this took so long! School is coming to an end (I have exactly 4 days until I officially have completed 9th grade) so updates may be more frequent, but it takes me a good 10 hours at a time to write a chapter so please keep that in mind when you ask for updates. I truly work as fast as I can to produce the best quality chapter I can for you all because I want every update to be a significant one. 

Anyway, what did we think about this? Good, bad?

Also, I know everyone hates Tyler right now (and rightfully so) but I also want you to remember that he has no idea what the right thing to do is. I mean, if your child (sister, but legally Izzy's his child) suddenly lost their hearing and their ability to speak (Also, Izzy can speak she's just choosing not to. Selective mutism.) It wouldn't be easy to know what to do. Especially when it comes to things like safety in unfamiliar places. 

I just want you all to keep that in mind for future chapters. 

Thank you all for almost 350k! I appreciate every vote, comment, and follow you all give to me. I love you guys!

Side note; I drilled a hole in my hand this week. I was trying to drill a hole in a plastic bottle cap for a science project and the drill slipped and hit my hand, tearing off a good bit of skin on my left hand. It's completely irrelevant to literally everything else in this authors note but I figured it was at the very least a talking point for us.