I tried a lot of ways to get attention as a kid. I tried being an angel, doing everything right, trying to make Mom proud. That didn't work. She only cared about what I did wrong. So I decided that I would give her plenty of wrongs to look for. The rebellion didn't work either. Then I was just her problem child. And after both good and bad failed, I was forced to settle for what I am now. A shadow. I became nothing to survive, and now, I didn't know how to be anything else. Sometimes, I try to pretend that I'm not.

In my world, I am something. I am someone. I am not a shadow. I've been spending a lot of time in that world recently. Closed eyes, wandering mind. It's not the same as floating. It's denser, and more real than when I float. But still, my world is a place I've come to enjoy losing myself in. That's where I was the next day, staring at the blue sky as the sun began to set, lost in my world where I am nothing.

I didn't notice Logan joining me outside, or lay next to me on the grass. I didn't notice he was there until his hand waved in front of my eyes, making me snap back to reality, long before I wished I had to. I turned to see his smile, wide and gleaming, as he looked at me. He was my best friend. We'd gotten so close over the last two months. We were practically inseparable until he moved out. And when he did, my heart shattered, just a little more. I would never tell Logan that. He was so happy living with Teo, and who was I to disrupt that? I had seen the comfort and joy being so close to Teo brought him.

Logan had told me Teo was the love of his life. He'd cried that day, the second one I was in the hospital. He cried softly as he wrote in shaky handwriting that he thought he would die if he lost me or Teo. I had never seen someone cry over me. I wasn't sure it was right of me to feel good about it. To feel good about being cared for so deeply by someone else. It was new, aside from Marley, and it was the sweetest feeling I've had in a long time.

"Hi Belle," He signed to me.

"Hi Logan," He, of course, had been the very first of my siblings to master sign, simply because he wanted to be able to talk to me again.

"How are you feeling?" That was the first sign we all learned, and my brothers certainly used it often. I think it should bother me more than it does that they have developed this overbearing sense of protection for me, but it didn't. As someone who's never had anyone truly cares about my existence, the thought of someone caring almost to a suffocating extent was rather lovely.

"Fine," I answered predictably. "A little tired." That was an understatement. I was exhausted. I hadn't slept at all last night. I tried, but every time I shut my eyes, my mind was flooded with thoughts and worries that were so invasive and demanding, it was worth the exhaustion just to avoid them. That was a common theme recently. Lack of sleep, and intrusive thoughts. I initially blamed my head injury for my inability to get to sleep, but I was slowly realizing it wasn't my physical health getting in the way.

"You look like it," Logan's smile faded a little bit, as his eyes caught sight of the purple bags that I knew were clear as day from what I had seen in the mirror this morning. I found myself being grateful that I didn't have a school with Liam today. He came to my room earlier and offered to help me with the work from yesterday, but I turned him down quickly. I had spent most of the day on my own. I prefer being on my own. Easier that way. Simpler that way.

Logan shook his head after a moment, sitting up and offering me his hand. "Are you ready for your party tonight?" He pulled me into his side as soon as I stood up, making it a little hard to see what he was saying.

I sighed. I had tried to forget about the party all day. Emma had dragged me into her bedroom a few hours ago and insisted that I pick out a dress from her closet, even though all her clothes were too big for me. I had ultimately found an older blue flowered skirt and matching blue sweater that we both agreed looked nice, but even that outfit seemed to swallow me a little. But I didn't mind that as much as I minded what you could see under the skirt.

When I was in the accident, a jagged piece of something had sliced open my upper thigh and left a nasty scar that went all the way down to my knee. Luckily, it was cold enough for pants in Harlan, so I haven't had to deal with the scar much yet, so tonight I dread having to see it. I could only imagine what everyone else would think about it. They would probably think I was disgusting.

Maybe they would stare at it. Maybe they would make fun of me. Or worst of all, maybe they would look at me with those familiar sad looks making me feel like even more of a burden than I already did. I could predict at least two of those would come true. I just hoped I was wrong about which two.

"I have to get ready still." I didn't meet his eyes as we walked. I didn't feel like watching his expression change as I spoke. One thing I've learned about Logan, in particular, is that he is a very expressive person. He's not very emotional, but when he is, you can always tell just what he was feeling. And I didn't need to look up at him to know he was feeling sorry for me.

When we stepped inside, I saw Liam and Jace leaning against the counter speaking to each other in low voices. The door must have slammed behind me and Logan, judging by the way the two of them jumped. Liam smiled at me briefly, but the expression dropped when his eyes found Logan. The two of them were tense as ever with each other. It hasn't let up even after Logan moved out. I wasn't sure why Logan couldn't forgive him, or what Liam had done that was bad enough to induce this sort of anger, but whatever it was, clearly meant a lot to at least one of them. They stared at each other for a moment. Then Logan's chest rose and fell with a sigh, and he bent down to kiss the top of my head.

"I'm gonna go find Tyler," He signed quickly, unraveling his arm from my shoulders and walking away. Liam watched after him for a moment, as if he was trying to say something without words, but I could say with confidence that Logan didn't receive the message.

"Hey almost-birthday-girl," Jace smiled at me, clearly looking to provide a momentary distraction from our two brothers' silent feud. I sighed softly and turned to Jace without so much as a fake smile. "You okay Izzy?" He asked when he got a good look at my face. I shrugged.

"Yeah," One of these days the lies will get so sour it'll hurt to say them. And yet, I do not doubt that I forever will. Lies like this are a matter of survival and sanity. Both of which I have to fight for in this world.

"Emma was looking for you a little while ago, Izzy. You might want to go see her." Liam sat down at the counter with a sigh of his own, a weak, unconvincing smile pasted onto his face. They've all gotten good at fake smiles the last few months. They think it makes me feel better. In truth, it makes me feel nauseated to see how hard they try to do the impossible, just for me.

"Okay," I didn't move right away. "Are you alright?"

Liam's fake smile faded quickly. "I'm fine Izzy. You don't need to worry about me." I wanted to tell him that I would worry whether I needed to or not, but I had a feeling it wouldn't make him feel any better. And that last thing I would want to do was make anyone feel anything less than happy. Even when I couldn't be further.

The first thing I saw when I stepped into Emma's bedroom was a tornado of clothes, and my sister sitting in the middle of them, red-faced and panicked. "Have you seen that sweater I was trying on earlier?" She signed quickly. Emma had taken nearly an hour and a half to pick out an outfit this morning.

She went on for 20 minutes about how important this birthday was for the both of us, and how excited I should be to finally be turning 13. Emma seemed to think everything would change the second 'teen' could be associated with us. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong. The truth is, it doesn't make a difference, 12 or 13. We'll still be the same people, with the same problems, and the same limits. It's a bleak way to think, but it's been a long time since I was anything but bleak. I shook my head and she rubbed a hand up and down her face in stress.

"I can't find it."

"Did you check the bathroom?" I sat down on her bed gently, watching her contemplate my question before jumping up from the floor and running out of the room. I smiled a little when she came back in with that very sweater in her arms.

"Found it!" She grinned proudly. It was Robin's egg cashmere sweater that she was pairing with a pink, black, and blue striped skirt. It looked straight out of a teen fashion magazine, and when I said that to Emma, she only loved it more. I of course had only meant it as a compliment, and thankfully, she took it as such. The alarm clock next to Emma's bed read 5:42. We were supposed to leave at 6:30. "Are you ready for tonight?" Emma asked, pushing all of the stray clothes into a pile on the floor of her closet.

I could anticipate that would get her yelled at by Tyler or Nolan sometime soon, but she either didn't know that or didn't care. Emma never cared much about getting in trouble. The worst that happened was she got grounded from her phone for a few days. I didn't have anything to lose, by getting in trouble. I had no phone, I had no friends, I had no reason to abide by the rules. Yet the idea of stepping out of line, even the smallest bit, made me sick to my stomach. I shrugged at my sister.

"Almost."

Her gaze glued itself to the mirror on her wall. "It's going to be fun, Izzy. We'll all have fun." She would have fun. She would sit at the table with her family, and her friends, and celebrate her birthday. It wasn't ours. It didn't feel like ours. I felt like a guest at her birthday party, even if my name was written on the gifts too. It just didn't feel right. But nothing ever did feel right.

"Yeah," I nodded slowly, trying to hide my doubt. "Yeah, I'm sure we will."

THE WORLD THAT WAS MINE

I hadn't celebrated my birthday since I was seven. I didn't remember much from that birthday, but I do remember it ended with me in tears. I don't think it had been a particularly bad birthday, in comparison to what the rest would look like. I think I had spent the day with my mom and maybe her boyfriend at the time. Shane, I think it was. I remember I liked him. He was nicer than most of Mom's boyfriends. But that was a low bar that would only get lower as time went on. I remember going to the zoo that birthday. If I had to guess, I would assume Marley and Brayden were there with us too. It was a good day. Until the end. I can still feel the panic in my chest when I think about it.

That night was the first of a new, dark and twisted era for me and my mother. I realize now what must have been happening. But then, it was so confusing and scary. Mom had only started on the pills a few months earlier. A man came by every couple of weeks and gave her a new bottle. I was always in my room when the man came over. Mom would shoo me away, and tell me not to make a sound. Of course, obedient as I was and still am, I didn't argue and would slip away and wait for their hushed voice conversations to be over.

But there were no hushed voices this time. I didn't have a chance to hide that day. He burst in unannounced and started yelling at my Mom about something I didn't comprehend at the time. Mom practically threw me into the hallway closet and demanded that I covered my ears. It didn't drown out much of the noise, though I didn't have a clue what they were yelling about. I stayed in the closet all night, sobbing silently into my hands. Mom never came to get me. The next morning, I found her asleep on the couch with tear-stained cheeks and a busted lip. We never talked about that night. Mom pretended it didn't happen, and I knew better than to bring it up. That wasn't the worst birthday I ever had, but it was a prominent one.

And it was the one I was thinking about as we drove to the restaurant.

I was regretting wearing my hearing aids already. My ears were ringing like TV static. My head felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my brain. I'd only had them in for 20 minutes. Tyler said I had to wear them at least until the end of dinner. He was adamant that I should wear them for at least a few hours at a time. I didn't bother to argue with him. Especially when Logan asked me to wear them too. He said it would be easier for me to talk to everyone at the table if I could hear them. What he meant was it would be easier for them if I wore the hearing aids, even if it made it worse for me.

Emma was rambling about some boy on a TV show she was watching. Logan was nodding along, feigning interest. Tyler was talking quietly on the phone to someone. Finley was tapping his foot to the song that played on the radio. So much noise in such a small space. I had been trying to focus on one thing the entire drive, with no success. That was another issue I had with my hearing aids. Too much noise at once made it impossible to grasp anything. It was like grabbing at wet soap. I was tempted to plug my ears. Or take my hearing aids out. I didn't do either, for fear of upsetting anyone.

"Izzy," I jumped when I felt a firm tap on my arm. "You okay there, buddy?" Jace asked with soft eyes. I swallowed the lump that had settled in my throat and nodded. That memory always messed with me. It was one I had tried and failed to forget about many times over the years. I had filed it away as one of the very first scarring experiences I had with Mom's addiction. It made me so sad to think it only got worse from there. I looked around and noticed that everyone else had already gotten out of the car. I must have gotten too lost in my head to notice. I hadn't been floating. Floating was a different feeling. It was more like a heavy emptiness that had occupied my mind for most of the drive over here.

"Are you ready to get out? Everyone waiting for us." Jace offered his hand to me. He and the rest of my brothers had dressed up for tonight. They all looked wonderful, and I had told Logan and Tyler earlier while they were getting ready. Slowly, I took my brother's hand and allowed him to pull me out onto the paved parking lot. He waited for a second for me to adjust my clothes once I was on my feet. I had tried to forget about my visible scar from the second I put the skirt on, but that was easier said than done.

Even though only Jace's eyes were on me at the moment, I felt like the whole world was staring at the jagged cut across my knee. Just another thing to hate about myself. Another thing to make me want to hide in my world, where no one's eyes lingered for too long on the things you didn't want them to see. I squeezed Jace's hand as we walked towards the group of people standing in front of the restaurant.

"Sarah's here," Jace muttered, smiling down at me. I knew he could see my discomfort and was trying to make it better. A spark of guilt ignited in my chest, knowing he was worried about me. Jace and all the others should be able to go one night without worrying about me. It wasn't fair that they always had to try to cheer me up. Just once, I wish I could compensate for their endless efforts with even just a genuine smile. But I wasn't the type of sad that could be made better with kind words and bright smiles. "And of course Teo wouldn't miss this for the world. He was so excited to come and see you and Em,"

I could see Logan's boyfriend standing beside him, his arms wrapped around my brother's waist like he never wanted to let go. Emma called them storybook lovers. The type who were just made for each other. I could also see my sister, who was chatting animatedly with two girls I had only vaguely seen over the last few months. I didn't know any of Emma's friends. But from the smile on her face, I could tell she was happy to have them here. As I said, this was her birthday party. I was just here. But I am always just here. Nothing more, and perhaps sometimes less.

"Izzy, hey!" I heard someone call my name, and I saw Sarah, Finley's girlfriend who I had met a few weeks ago at a family dinner, walking over to us with outstretched arms. Jace's hand dropped from mine, despite the vice grip I was holding it in, and much to my discomfort, Sarah pulled me into a tight embrace. I tensed up immediately, but she either didn't notice or didn't care. I had become increasingly uncomfortable with a touch over the last few months. I already felt like I was crawling out of my skin every minute of the day, and that mixed with my general opposition of physical touch made it all more so much more uncomfortable than ever before. Still, I cautiously wrapped my arms around Sarah and didn't make a fuss about it for her sake, and the sake of everyone else.

No one cared if I liked it or not. It isn't about me and what I wanted, and it never has been. When she finally pulled away, she looked down at me with a beaming smile I had come to learn she wore constantly. I liked Sarah, well enough. I didn't know her very well, and Emma didn't like her much for some reason, but so far she's been nothing but kind to me. Of course, I was prepared for that to change. I was always prepared for someone to turn on me. I just hoped it wouldn't happen soon. I don't need anyone else to remind me of why I don't get close to people.

"Happy birthday, Izzy!" She squealed.

I smiled softly and sighed a quick 'thank you that I doubt she understood. I didn't see how she responded to my gesture, because quickly, I was pulled into another pair of more comfortable and familiar arms. "Happy birthday kiddo," Teo said, rocking us back and forth a little. I melted into his embrace and looked up at him with a small, but less forced smile than I wore a moment ago.

"My birthday isn't for another two days." I signed to him, having to crane my neck almost back just to see his face.

"But I won't get to see you then." He pouted playfully.

I shook my head at his childish behavior, not minding that he was treating me like a little kid. I was too old in too many ways. I would never protest against receiving any amount of affection, even if it was a bit patronizing.

After a few minutes of standing outside the restaurant, all of us immersed in easy small talk-me with Logan, Teo, Jace, and Nolan who humored me with a conversation about what I had recently been listening to, which happened to be Fleetwood Mac, much to Nolans pleasure-Tyler announced that it was time for all of us to go inside and claim our table. I ended up between Nolan and Finley. Tyler was across from me, and Logan was on the other side.

"How are the hearing aids feeling?" Nolan whispered to me. His voice made me jump, despite my awareness that he was sitting beside me. I sighed and adjusted the small device, hoping that would soothe some of the physical discomforts it was causing me. I saw Tyler's eyes flick over to me in an instant. I gulped a little and put my hand down.

"Fine," I signed to Nolan who was still watching me with eyes that I didn't even try and read. If Logan was expressive, Nolan was the exact opposite. Stone-faced, thin smiled, and overall impossible to analyze. I tried all the time. At dinner, watching a movie, helping me with homework. Nothing ever changed his expression. It was impressive almost. Sometimes I wonder what made him that way. And if I was the same. "Just a little sore."

He nodded slowly, casting a glance at Tyler, whose eyes were still glued to the two of us as if he was watching a scene play out. "If they hurt too bad, take them out."

"He wants me to keep them in."

Nolan furrowed his eyebrows. "Who wants you to keep them in?"

I nodded towards Tyler as discreetly as I could, and thankfully, I don't think my oldest brother recognized my gesture if his perplexed expression was anything to go by. I knew he was having a hard time keeping up with the quick sign me and Nolan were using. He was trying, but he wouldn't be able to. A part of me was grateful that he hadn't yet mastered signs like some of my siblings. Something about it just made me feel a little less tight in the chest. A little less panic of the idea of trouble.

"He'll be fine. If you're uncomfortable, take them out."

"Yeah Izzy, Nolan's right," I jumped at the voice in my other ear. Finley smiled at me as I leaned away so I could see his face better. "Take them out if you're not happy."

I shook my head at both of them quickly. "No. It's okay."

It was okay if I was uncomfortable, it was okay if I was unhappy, if it meant someone else didn't have to be either of those things. The rest of dinner was more or less uneventful. Emma was preoccupied with her two loud friends, my brothers focused their attention on each other and the other three girls, occasionally checking up on me, but overall I spent the better part of the meal watching my family celebrate a day that was supposed to commemorate the last 13 years of my life, and my sisters live.

But there wasn't much about my life worth celebrating. We were celebrating years of life that didn't deserve to be celebrated. Years where I barely made it to my birthday, barely survived the hell that seemed to live inside me like a virus. I have not lived 13 years worth honoring. But they didn't know that. Still, no one in my family had any idea of what I had gone through in the 13 years they've been here, celebrating Emma and making sure each year of her life was worth commemorating.

"Okay, Nolan, start singing!" Tyler commanded pressing the red record button on the phone he had propped up to face me and Emma. My sister had moved to the chair beside me-effectively kicking Finley out of his seat, much to his annoyance-so we could be next to one another while we blew out the candles of the cake Liam had gotten for us.

"Happy birthday to you," The whole table erupted into song. I looked around at all of their grinning faces, watching me with expressions of pride and adoration I had only thought existed in the movies. It seemed surreal.

A year ago, if you had told me I would be surrounded by a family who cared for me as they do, I wouldn't have believed you. But a year ago, a lot of things were different. A year ago, I still had Marley. A year ago, I still had Mom and Brayden. And a year ago, I still had myself. That girl that I was even just a year ago, was unrecognizable to who I was now. And I couldn't decide whether that was a good thing or the worst I could imagine.

I thought of Marley while they sang. How much I wished she was here. I tried to imagine what she would think about all of this. About my family, about my hearing, about my terrible state. She would hate my brothers. I knew that for sure. She never would have forgiven them for all they did to me in the beginning. Especially Emma. She would have hated Emma. She would say Emma was a rotten person who didn't deserve someone like me. Maybe it was true, but I always thought Marley was too harsh when she said things like that. But still, I knew it was what she would say.

Marley wouldn't have ever made me feel like a burden when it came to my hearing. She wouldn't ever make me feel like a freak or like I was broken in some way. She also wouldn't let me feel bad for myself. She would have demanded I stop avoiding my hearing aids weeks ago. She would have called bullshit on my purposeful silence and told me I was being dramatic about the whole thing, even when I knew I wasn't. Marley had a way of making me feel like I was so much stronger than I truly was. And I needed that right now. I needed to feel like I was strong like I could walk through hell with someone like Marley by my side. But I couldn't do either of those things right now.

I needed Marley. Every day, I needed her, but today, right now, I needed my best friend to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. And still, even after months of not having her, it killed me that she wasn't here.

I sucked in a sharp breath when I felt a hand clasp down on my shoulder softly. "Izzy, baby, let's go outside." Logan's soft voice filled my ears as his hands guided me upwards without my permission. Though I didn't fight. I didn't have the energy or the strength to do anything other than let him take me out into the cold night. "Izzy, look at me," My chin was held gently in place where I was forced to meet his ocean blue eyes filled with concern and slight fear. "Izzy, you're right here with me. You're outside the restaurant with me, Teo and Jace. Just take a deep breath, baby." I followed the fuzzy instructions shakily. "There you go, honey. That's it, just focus on us."

My hands came up to cover my ears. He told me to focus. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't focus with all the noise that filled my buzzing brain. In a frantic attempt to make it stop, I began to try and rip out the hearing aids before a gentle pair of hands cupped mine and guided them back to my side.

"Shh, It's okay, I'll take them out for you." Jace soothed, reaching up and delicately taking them from my ears. Immediately, the painful ringing ceased. I didn't have a second to bask in the relief before someone sat me down on a bench. I wiped the tears off of my cheeks with the back of my hand as I watched my two brothers and Teo look at me with bewildered expressions full of sympathy and helplessness. "

I'm sorry." I signed quickly. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"No, don't be sorry." Logan shook his head at me, my hands still held tightly in his. More tears ran down the cold, sticky skin of my cheeks. I wiped them away again as quickly as they fell.

"Izzy, what happened?" Jace signed slowly. All three of them watched me and waited for an answer I couldn't give them. I could see the worry etched into each of their faces.

"I'm sorry," I signed again. "I'm so, so sorry."

It wasn't fair that they had to worry about me all the time. It wasn't fair that they couldn't enjoy the night without me and issues ruining it.

The world is not a fair place.

The best people get the worst things, and the worst people get the best. The world is full of inconsistencies and injustice.

It wasn't fair that good people like Marley got bad things, it wasn't fair that bad people like Thomas got good things, it wasn't fair that no one in my life could catch a break.

And it wasn't fair that I had ended another birthday in tears.

A/N-Okay so I know that I keep saying it'll get better for our baby Izzy, but I want to remind you all that this story is rooted in the reality of childhood depression and trauma. It doesn't just go away. I can't promise that this story will be happy anytime soon, simply because it is not a happy story. Izzy will be okay, eventually, but I can't promise it will be terribly soon but bear with me. Good things are to come, even if bad things are too.

Also I want to address something quickly. Izzy can talk, she's just choosing not to. It's called selective mutism, and it can be a side effect of depression and social anxiety in children and teens, especially after something traumatic like a car accident. It could also be a side effect to hearing loss, but for Izzy, it's more connected to her mental health than physical.

Anyway, thank you all for 285k on this story it means the world to me and I love you all so much. Go eat something, go drink some water and go have a good day :)