important A/N: hi!! So if any random part of the story shows up like this, it's a flashback. It's to indicate what part of the story is present and what parts she's thinking back on. There'll be one or two 'flashbacks' in this one and maybe other chapters. Just so y'know :)

He bursted through the door with in a matter of seconds. As his eyes found me he slowly stood straight. I could see the pity stained down his cheeks, I sighed.

"Night," He whispered. A Look of guilt burning on his face.

I couldn't help but sneer. "Matthew." I breathed in, slowly. My breath shook. "You didn't... did you?"

"Night. Nightlyn- no listen to me-" He stepped closer, taking my hands. "I drank way too much- I blacked out- honestly- before I knew it-"

"-Oh Matthew don't," I winced, dropping his hands. I perused my lips as I tried my hardest not to cry.

"I can explain all of it. I swear it was just a bad night- I had a drink and before I knew it Ethan had brought coke out and then-" He blabbered on, desperation all on his face as his eyes stayed to me.

"-Matthew." I interrupted. I watched him for a few more seconds. Trying hard to find the voice I had. When I did, dragging it back up through my closing throat, I could feel tears begin. "You cheated on me?" My voice was barley there, only beyond a raspy whisper.

A breath seemed to hitch with in him, before his eyes stared down at the ground. He took a long breath in, before his gaze was back to me. "I'm so, so sorry,"

I couldn't take my eyes off of him. To see him squirm in his guilt. I knew this too well.

He wasn't guilty for what he did. He was guilty he got caught.

"Who was she?" I questioned. Staring straight through him.

He repositioned his feet uncomfortably before the ramble of lies began. "It was a mistake- and you know- I love you- I love you so much, it didn't mean anything-"

I felt my eye lids twitch as I squinted at him judgingly. "-You're not going to tell me?"

He looked at me confused. "Who she was?"

My arms crossed, as I nodded. A tear has spilt from one eye as I resisted the urge to wipe it. Watching him panic.

"You want me to tell you who it was with?" He asked again. "It didn't mean anything- I mean- I hardly even knew her-"

"-Fine." I interputtered. Voice deadpan. "That's okay. I don't think I want to know,"

He winced. "Nightlyn. Come on, don't do this to me, please,"

"No." I blubbered slightly, raising my voice. "Don't ask me not to do this. Don't ask me not to do this to you. This is your fault,"

"Night it didn't mean anything!" He panicked again, realising I was losing interest. "I promise I wouldn't do that to you,"

He stepped closer. An attempt to grab my shoulders. But I stepped back sternly.

My eyes found the floor. I couldn't look at him any longer. All those warnings and those red flags I turned a blind eye to was kicking me straight to the ground.

"I don't want to know anything." I finally stated. Only half confident. "I don't want to know what you did." My eyes snapped back up to him. As I felt my arms tense. "I don't want to know who she was. I don't want to know where, or when. And I don't want at all to know how it happened."

Matthew was silent. Watching me with tearful eyes. He had nothing to say, and it made me tense my jaw.

"You cheated." I spat slightly. "And that's the bottom line. So let's just stop now, and save ourselves from wasting time,"

"Nightlyn," He began, stepping closer. "Come on. I can fix this, let me fix this,"

I didn't move, he wrapped his fingers desperately around my shoulders holding me. I looked away from him, trying not to cry. "You don't have to fix this,"

"I do- I can- nightlyn,"

"No Matthew!" I pulled my hands from out my folded arms, hitting his arms off of me. "That's it! It's done! It's too late- I don't want you to fix this!"

He looked hurt. Which didn't satisfy me, but it sure didn't make me feel guilty.

Around five silent seconds passed by, before he nodded. He slid carefully past me, making sure not to nudge me at all, before letting himself out.

A lot of days when I think back to the day Matthew cheated on me. I like to end it when he let himself out.

The worst mistake I made, by walking all over myself, was following him out and hearing him shift the blame.

I guess I was never hurt that it was Matthew who cheated. Just that I couldn't of been enough.

But today I held no sympathy. Matthew was a mistake I made by continuing to pursue something that was fucked from the start.

And last night ended the way it should of that night he cheated. Shutting the door on the way out.

"So then," I breathed in, getting to the end of my lengthy story.  "I said that it's not him and it's me and that I need to focus on other things and-"

"-Did you mean that?" Mike asked cutting me off.

I glared over at him confused. "What do you mean 'did I mean that'?"

"Y'know... the whole 'oh it isn't you it's just me, I need to focus on school and my friends and-'"

"-Yes I meant it, Mike!" I cut him off of his shitty impersonation of me. "And it's true! It's not him,"

"So it's nothing to do with how he cheated?" Tre asked, although really he just wanted to point that out.

My eyes rolled over to Tre, shrugging. "Maybe it is- I don't know!"

Luella's eyes flickered over me for a moment, before she spoke up. "You don't... know?"

"No!"

I was sat in Tre's bean bag in the corner of the room. Mike swayed lightly in Tres desk chair, sitting back to front. Luella beside me, cross legged on the floor and Tre on his bed. To my best knowledge, Billie was with Nova. Somewhere. And I hated it.

Just knowing he was with her gave me this burning feeling that I didn't quite know what was. It felt like a mixture between when you're angry and when you realise you're in trouble.

"So you broke up with Matthew..." Mike began. "And you're not entirely sure why? But, it's nothing to do with him?"

"Maybe it is- okay? Like I said. I don't know. I just- I give up with relationships. They're stupid,"

"Aww, c'mon Night," Lou sighed from beside me, looking up at me from the floor. "They're not all that bad,"

"They are to me. When do you get to the point where you care about someone you forget about yourself? About all your morals and all your rules," I sneered enviously. Finding a happy relationship felt like miles away from where I was at the moment.

"What do you mean?" Mike asked.

"Well... y'know... when do you get to the point where you love someone so much you start doing things like driving slowly so you don't wake them up, taking corners softly and avoiding pot holes in the road so it doesn't jolt the car." I began to spit ball. Trying my hardest to find the write words to describe the love I meant. "Or wash off the marker on their face when they've passed out and someones wrote cock across their forehead? When do you care so much for somebody you notice they steal all the covers when you sleep and you just- don't do anything. Just helping someone out without them even knowing you're behind the scenes doing that," I sunk further into the bean bag, crossing my arms.

Tre sniggered, as everyone looked over at him confused. But he looked at Mike. "Kinda sounds like Billie," he laughed.

Mikes face broke into realisation as he let out a cheap laugh, joining in. "Not too far off,"

"What?" I sat up, alarmed. "What do you mean it sounds like Billie?"

Luella also straightened her posture, eyes darting between the two boys. "What are you two on about?"

"Well you wouldn't know... that's the whole point," Mike shrugged. "It's different when you're the person going on with their life not releasing someone else has been behind you fixing things up,"

I squinted. But Mike didn't seem to look like he was joking: "So what... you're trying to tell me that someone is Billie Joe?"

Mike nodded as casually as anything. "He's always taken detours in road trips to make sure you slept well- even if it takes more gas,"

"And avoided holes in the road," Tre added.

"Now that I think about it." Luella hummed. Looking over to me. "There have been quite a few times he's wiped off marker Tre scribbled on your face when you passed out at party's," Luella shrugged.

"And no one told me?"

"It's one of those things you don't tell. He didn't do it for you to know it's him- he did it for you, like you said," Tre answered.

I sighed, feeling like a dick for all the times I had done the opposite.

"Aww, c'mon Beej it's only pen," I laughed from behind him, the both of us stared at his reflection.

His face had most literally been graffitied on by none other than Tre Cool, and it's safe to say it was hilarious.

"I know it's just pen, but..." He trailed off, looking at his reflection trying to run away some of it with his hand, an attempt that failed.

Billie didn't quite find it so funny as the rest of us did. He took it more personal than I would've thought.

"It'll wash off Beej,"

"It's not the point,"

"Blame Tre, he did it,"

He looked away from his reflection and at me, giving me what seemed like a sad nod. "Yeah,"

Realising why Billie had bothered to take it so personal, was because he wouldn't do the same to me. So it must've hurt when he realised what he had always done for me, I hadn't of done for him. Ever.

But then, what came with the knowledge of that was more than finding out that I was a dick.

Sometimes you do things for the people you love to profit them, even if they don't know it ever happened. And Billie had been doing that for me. So what did that mean?

"Why would he do that for me?" I asked in a slightly small voice, my eyes flickering between Tre, Mike and even Luella.

Tre tapped the side of his nose with a smile, before I could question what it meant a phone began to ring.

"Who is it?" Tre asked Mike.

Mike took his phone off the desk looking. "Billie Joe," Then answering. "Yellow?"

There was a mumble on the phone no one but Mike could quite hear, Mike nodded. "Yeah Nights here, she's not in a good mood though,"

"Shut up Mike," I mumbled.

"Yeah she's fine, she and Matt just broke up,"

Then there was more mumbling. Before Mike took the phone away from his ear and putting it back on the desk.

"Did he end it?" I asked confused.

"He's coming over, said he'd be about five,"

"He's coming over?"

~

"Are you okay?" Billie asked as he walked into the room, gladly alone.

He walked over to me as I sat in the bean bag, offering his arms out to me. I stood up confused as his arms wrapped around me.

"He was a dick anyway," Billie mumbled.

I furrowed my eyebrows and Mike and Tre who stared over at me, before pulling away and looking at Billie. "Billie... you do know who broke up with who... don't you?"

He stared back at me. "Course I do? Did Matthew not leave you...?"

Course that's what he was going to think.

"No Billie,"

"No?"

I shook my head.

"Was it an agreed thing?"

My face scrunched as I took offence. "Billie- no. Okay? I left him,"

"What-? Why?"

"Why?" I repeated. "Billie, you were the one who wanted me to leave him not long ago. He cheated on me-"

"-You said that wasn't the reason?" Tre cut me off.

I grunted slightly. "It's not-"

"-So why'd you break up with him? Did you do that last night? After I dropped you off?"

"Yes- I did. I don't need a reason- it wasn't him. I just- I wasn't interested in being with him," I rambled.

"Alright alright," Billie breathed, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Chill out- you haven't got to prove anything,"

"Why does everyone think he broke up with me?"

"It's nothing personal NJ," Luella said from behind me.

Billies hands dropped from my shoulders as I turned to look down at her.

"It's just-" Luellas eyes wandered off me. As if she had to think of the right way to word her explanation. "-Well, after he cheated you spent as much time with him as you could, it's just a surprise you left him that's all,"

"Alright... well..." Billie mumbled, I looked back over at him. "How about we go do something,"

"We?"

"Me and you. Y'know? Us." He smiled. Before whispering. "Even numbers,"

I rolled my eyes smiling slightly. "Alright... like what?"

"Anything. We can go to the beach, or the old train station, the train tracks, we can go to the lake or-"

"-The lake?"

"You wanna go to the lake?"

"Why not... y'know?"

"Yeah... we can do that." he nodded. Looking over at everyone else. "Well, looks like I'm stealing Nightlyn from you guys,"

"She's just been sat ranting anyway," Tre shrugged.

"Thanks Tre,"

"Only playing Jersey,"

"Talk to you later NJ," Mike said, looking over at me.

I gave him a nod, said a brief goodbye to Luella before Billie and I left the rest of them in Tres house making our way down the stairs and out his front door.

Billies car was parked on the curb on the sidewalk, parked badly.

"Nice parking," I laughed slightly as we made our way over.

"I was in a rush, I thought you'd of been upset,"

"Because you thought he left me,"

"Precisely,"

We climbed into his car, waving goodbye to Tre who was in the window like a child. Before speaking on our way to the lake.

"So why did you break up with him?" Billie asked, driving.

Oh well y'know, funny you ask. A few days ago I had this vivid dream about kissing you and now I've suddenly gone off my current boyfriend and all I can think of is how perfect Nova is and how much of a Dick I was towards wasn't you. "Oh y'know... complications,"

"What does complications mean?"

"Relationship complications. Y'know?"

"...No,"

"Oh... well- I guess having the hatred between Matthew and you guys wasnt working well on the relationship. The cheating was still looming around us, I just-ously not the one for me, that's all,"

Billie nodded, listening as he drove.

The lake wasn't a far spot, unlike our other ones it may have been the closest one we had.

Billie, Mike, Tre and I had gone back for years. There were a lot of summers wasted pushing each other under the water there.

Billie pulled up his car on the side of the road. The both of us un clipper our seatbelts as we got out the car.

To actually get to her lake. Meant walking a little through a few tall trees. But luckily thanks to summer, it wouldn't be getting dark any time soon.

We walked through the trees together making it to the clearing in the middle, where the lake was.

"I haven't been here in so long," Billie mumbled.

"Me either. Last time I came here was when Mike dunked Tres head underwater. And Tre made us all go back home,"

Billie laughed slightly. "He wouldn't talk to Tre at all back in the car,"

"He wouldn't talk to any of us, because we all laughed at him,"

"It was too funny not to laugh,"

We made our way down to the lake, sitting on the grass beside it. First in silence, before I spoke up.

My eyes searched the scenery. It wasn't anything much out of the ordinary.

Billie didn't say anything as he sat silently. I looked over to him, thinking before I sighed. "I thought you were with Nova today anyway,"

He shrugged, throwing a random small rock into the lake. "I was,"

"So..." I dragged out, questionably. "Why did you come over to Tre's?"

"Because I was worried you was upset,"

"So what happened to Nova?"

"Well, I drove her home of course. She doesn't live far,"

"What did you say to her?" I wasn't too sure why I was questioning everything. I guess it kind of bugged me Billie had something going on I wasn't a part of.

"Nothing much don't worry." He assured, eyes flickering to me. "I just said that something happened and I should probably go over and see if you're doing good,"

"And she was alright with that?"

"She seemed okay?"

I looked around on the grass, finding a small pebble as I tossed it into the lake. "So... you like her?"

"Who- Nova?"

"Yeah..."

He paused for a second. Before shrugged. "Nah,"

"Nah?"

"Well... maybe,"

"Maybe?"

"Maybe I do." He admitted. At least I think. Before he sighed, stretching his legs out. "But, you know. That's just silly little feelings. I know I could never love her,"

A smile twitched on my face, I tried hard to distract myself as I questioned him. "Why's that?"

"I don't know- y'know? She seems so great. So so so great-"

"-And that's bad?"

"She's so great- that it is bad. She's got great grades, great looks, great manners, great friends, a great family, everything about her is great." He exaggerated.
"Everything,"

"I'm not understanding... why that's bad?"

"Because- I mean. Look at me Nightlyn. My grades are terrible- so bad I don't even look at the report cards anymore. I'm rude, I've got three friends, I'm anti social, nothing about me's great,"

"That's not true-"

He shrugged. "-Sure it is,"

"You're great Beej. It doesn't matter about all the stuff." I sighed, rolling my eyes. "You're a good person,"

"To you,"

"Billie you're being so hard on yourself,"

"Do y'know how bad it is to like someone who puts you to shame?" He asked me, turning his body to face me. "She's so caring and fragile and- and she's so put together. Then there's me- I'm everywhere at once,"

"I think I know what you mean," I mumbled, looking back down at the grass.

I felt his eyes look up at me. But I didn't dare stare at them back. I looked down at the grass picking the blades out the ground.

"What do you mean?"

"I think I get it." I mumbled slowly. "Y'know? When you look at your whole past of how you've been, and compared to that person you've been pretty rubbish. Then you start to feel like maybe you don't deserve them. I get that,"

"You do?"

"Course,"

He went silent for a moment. "It feels pretty shit, huh?"

I let out a forced laugh. "Definitely,"

It went over his head that I was speaking about us.

To a person who thinks they're everywhere at once, it's hard to understand that your the put together to someone else's everywhere at once.

And by that, I meant, us.

He was my put together. But she was his.

"She's just so good- it's like she's too good for me,"

"Does she tell you that?"

"Not exactly," He shrugged. "But... she lets me know. With these little signs. Y'know? Like showing me all these great things in her life? All her nice family members and her great grades,"

"It's not about her grades and family,"

"I know that. It's just... maybe she doesn't mean to. But sometimes when I'm around her she makes me feel like a worse person then I am." His body deflated slightly, I had a feeling he really was being honest.

Maybe him and nova wouldn't work out after all. But I shouldn't care. Or better yet, I should. I should want this to work?

"When I realise all the things she does in her routine I've never done, all the nice things she says and does that I don't do," He finished. "It doesn't make me look all to great,"

I nodded. "I understand,"

The both of us went pretty quiet, Billie and I never really spoke seriously. He use to open up to me a lot, but that was the most I've gotten from him in a while.

We continued to silently throw little pebbles and rocks into the lake from where we were sat.

Until Billie stood up. "I think we should get in," He said to me, offering a hand up.

I took his hand as he pulled me from the ground. "In the water? Right now?"

"Why not? You're feeling shitty, I'm feeling shitty. We can just act like kids, what's the harm?"

"Are you serious?" I asked, looking over at him. Trying to figure out if he was joking or not, but he seemed serious.

"Course I am... unless you're scared,"

"Scared? I've been in these waters before why would I be scared,"

"C'mon then?"

"There's no way I'm getting in there Beej,"

He gave me a slight smile. Before walking over to me.

I began to get paranoid, stepping back cautiously. "What are you doing?"

He asked casually. But a shifty look in his eyes made it clear he had some other idea. As unpredictable as he is. "C'mere,"

"What are you doing?" My voice let out a nervous. Slowly walking backwards."

"Just c'mere,"

"No- you're gonna throw me in,"

"I won't!" He chuckled, still walking over. A quick pick up of his pace. "C'mon!"

"I'm not-"

His voice interrupted. "-You-"

"-Billie I'm not getting in!" I laughed. Still stepping backwards making sure not to trip up.

He sped up. Running over towards me as I panicked running too, only spinning around as I ran away from him. The ground beneath my sneakers nearly slip on the grass. As unsteady as it is.

I could hear him behind me laughing, the both of us giggling and trying to convince one another on different ideas. But before I could process what had happened, I'd tripped up on the grass floor with the weight of somebody else on top of me. Making a grunt as I hit the floor. I spun around under the weight of Billie Joe's body, he was still sniggering before he pushed himself up by his arms. Both hands at each side beside my head on the grass.

"You didn't have to do that!" I over reacted. Trying not to release into the smile I wanted to pull.

"You was running away!" He defended.

"Because you started running towards me!"

He only shook his head looking down at me. Letting out a breezy chuckle. Still slightly unsteady with his breath.

Billie and I grew up together being close. Being this distance away from his face, or being tackled down to the ground playfully by each other wasn't something new.

But I felt awfully floaty and flushed.

Something about this wasn't casual anymore. Casual and childish. I liked it, but it felt guilty to enjoy.

Because of Nova.

"Did I hurt you?" He finally asked. Looking down at me seriously now.

"Not much," I lied. "I just wasn't expecting to be tackled to the floor,"

"At least you're okay." He nodded with a half smile. He moved an arm before rolling onto the spare space of grass beside me.

I could hear him panting slightly, as was I. But when Billie was right above me I felt the need to hide it, of course now I wasn't.

"Y'know," He spoke up. "I don't think I could ever do these things with Nova,"

"How come?" I asked, looking up at the sky.

It was still day, the sky was clouded. But not in a dim way. I looked at the shape of them, studying their colours and sizes as Billie began to explain.

"She's just... Nova's pretty pristine. She'd hate for me to tackle her down so roughly like that. She'd be too scared of her hair messed up or her outfit getting dirty or... whatever,"

So I wasn't the only one who had noticed how absorbed Nova was in her looks. "Would that be a problem that she doesn't like that stuff?" I looked over at him this time.

His eyes were on the sky. The shade of them looked more blue from the side view. He struggled to think of an answer for a second. "I don't really know," He mumbled. "Maybe I'm just thinking about things that don't matter. But It's no fun when people don't have exciting moments like these, y'know?" He asked me, looking over at me.

It took him by surprise to see I was already staring at him. "I get it Beej,"

"She's just- she's so perfect. Why would she go for me?"

"There are a million reasons," I tried to not sound too cliché, or let on I liked him too much. "Don't think like that,"

"Maybe I'm just paranoid. I mean- she's almost perfect. Y'know? Maybe I'm just trying to think of excuses to believe she isn't exactly perfect." He spoke, looking back up away from me. "I'm probably just doing that,"

"What if your not?"

He looked back over at me confused. "Huh?"

Shit. "Never mind,"

"What did you say?"

"It doesn't matter," I lied, looking up. Attention battering around at the few clouds in the sky.

I saw him from the corner of my eye sit up. Looking down at me. "Did you say 'what if I'm not wrong,'?"

I shook my head, lying again. "No,"

"You did. I heard you. Night- do you agree with me? It's not just me being jealous of being a bad kid and her seeming great is it? You see it too?" His green eyes seemed to stare at me widely, as if they needed an answer from me.

I was reluctant to say the truth. It was tainted with a jealousy of only what I wanted.

So I had to look away from him. I sat up biting my tongue before I could think of a good enough response. "I'm as bad of a kid as you are Billie. What do I know?"