"But he said he was sorry, okay? and I forgave him," I huffed, flopping back as I was met with the covers of my bed. I felt so completely tired, tired of arguing with the same boys about the same other boy.

I heard a long sigh from Mike. "That's not the point Nightlyn," Although I couldn't see Mike's face, I knew he'd be doing that face he does when trying to tell me what's best. Pulling his lips into a tight, pitiful smile. I'm actually glad I didn't have to see it.

"Course it is. If I can forgive him, you guys should too. He's my boyfriend after all," I pointed out, eyes to my bedroom ceiling.

"Everyone knows," Billie muttered.

I sat up, sitting on my bed as I looked over at Billie who was sitting on my desk chair. His chin rested on the palm of his hand as he stared dead at nothing in particular. Just in front. Looking fed up and tired. No doubt he probably didn't sleep much last night. Almost like every night.

Billie always seemed fed up lately. I'm not sure what it was that was getting him that way, I've asked, but he won't tell. It's something in particular, but whatever it is he's made it clear I won't find out.

"Billie he's trying,"

"He's trying to get on my nerves is what he's doing," Tre mumbled from the bean bag in the corner of my room.

I grunted heavily throwing myself back to face the ceiling once again. "I give up with you all,"

"C'mon NJ," Mike breathed, using my nickname to let me know he was trying to be friendly unlike Billie may have been. I felt the bed slump, he sat down at the end of it. "We just care about you,"

NJ was one of the few nicknames I had adapted from the name Nightlyn. It was just the first letter of my first and last name. Nightlyn Jackson. Along with: Night, Nighty and Tre had even come up with Jersey, from NJ of course. Typically standing for the state of New Jersey. But that one was used rarely, only to annoy me. Mostly by Tre.

"Really?" I scoffed slightly, unable to help myself. "Well if you cared that much you'd stop giving him such a hard time-"

"-Nightlyn he fucking cheated on you!" Billie shouted cutting me off. "Why would we not give him a hard time!?"

I sat up immediately, my shoulder brushing with Mike as I looked over at Billie pissed off. "He said sorry! He said it was a mistake!"

"So what- you think he won't do it again?"

"He promised me he wouldn't!"

"He's bullshitting you Nightlyn, and it's unbelievable that the most skeptical person of everyone that I know believes that." He shook his head before standing up out of the bean bag. No consideration to hang around, because as soon as the guy was to his feet, they were carrying him out my bedroom door as we watched him storm out of the room.

"Beej, Where are you going?" Tre asked sitting up.

"No, leave him Tre. If he wants to make a scene and storm out he can,"

Billie ignored the both of us. Slamming my door on the way out as all three of us flinched.

Tre, Mike and I stayed seated quietly. None of us really knew how to follow up a conversation after that. This whole argument came out of nowhere, we were all just hanging out then the next thing I knew my shitty boyfriend had once again found himself topic of conversation. Or- well, topic of argument.

Billie and I had been best friends ever since meeting in first grade, I was six, he was seven. He moved across the road from me one day, and Billies mom being the welcoming person she is. Made friends with my mom across the road instantly. Resulting in Billie and I being introduced. Ever since really we stuck together. Sort of inseparable, I guess you could say.

But Billie Joe had been by my side since as far back as I really remember. Once knowing him I couldn't get rid of him. Not that I ever wanted to, but if I did I'd be surely screwed.

Billies mom and my mom got on quite a lot. Until things become somewhat tragic. When Billies dad died, my mom and his kinda didn't speak much anymore due to her grieving. 

Only due to how close I and Billie had become ourselves we were still best friends. Since our moms now technically weren't.

When I was fourteen, my mom passed from a rare form of cancer. It wasn't something I spoke about often, or that I ever wanted to. It was sad, sure, but it was life. What can you do about it?

Billie and I met Mike around nine. Or was it ten? I never saw much of Billie around that age after his dad died. So I don't remember the age exactly. Billie introduced me to him and instantly became a trio. Mike was a good addition to what was just Billie and I, he knew at what times to keep us out of trouble and which times to join in on the trouble.

We met Tre through another friend, right after the drummer of their band called it quits. Perfect timing I guess? Or well- they think so anyway.

If someone was to ask me to describe Tre. I think the best use of terms would be comparing him to a puppy. Tre reminded me of a puppy. Hyperactive, happy and secretly kind in the oddest ways.

"Y'know he's only angry 'cause he cares Night," Mike spoke up first, after the silent moment we shared.

"I don't care,"

"But he does," Mike told me.

"None of you care. With every boyfriend I get, there's always a grudge-"

Tre cut me off fast. "-He cheated on you-"

"-No Tre. I mean before that. I mean the boys who came before him. The ones who were sweet, the nice ones, the kind ones.  Any ones, you hated them all." I pointed over at Tre. Who looked offended with his mouth open sitting up. I moved my finger, changing my aim to point at Mike. "And so did you! Why can't you guys just be nice? Like I am with your girlfriends and boyfriends,"

"Because you pick assholes who cheat?"

"He said he's sorry Tre how many times!"

"How many times what? Do you have to remind yourself he cheated before you realise he's a jerk! Or how many times will he cheat? Well, I'll say... however many times you let him!"

And also like a puppy, when being prodded too many times. He tends to bite.

Often without warning.

It's weird when Tre's angry. Normally he's never serious. He likes to laugh off a lot of things, even the things that secretly hurt him. He avoids at the best of times talking about how he really feels. I don't know why, but that's the way he likes to do some things.

He tells me often if you take everything as a joke nothing can get to you. I tried to live by that advice for a while, because although spoken from Tre Cool's mouth it did have truth within it. But my mind doesn't work that way.

So when he does snap... like now, it's sorta scary.

"He said he wouldn't do it again!" That doesn't mean I don't snap back though.

"He says what you want to hear! You only hear the things you want to, so you're just willing to give this asshole more cha-"

"-His name is Matthew,"

"Well, Matthew is an asshole." After saying his piece, just like Billie, he pushed himself out of the bean bag. As I watched Tre leave the room. Not slamming the door at least. My door could not handle two slams in the same ten minutes.

I sighed, resting my head in my hands. As I felt Mike's hand rest on my shoulder.

I felt like a bitch, for defending someone so much that my own two best friends walked away from my bullshit.

If wasn't obvious, Matthew had cheated on me. But I stayed with him. Why? I don't really know myself. Not because I love him, or I believe he won't do it again. I guess I just wanted to be with someone.

Matthew cheated two weeks back. It wasn't him in another relationship with another girl, although that's not any better, he had just kissed someone else.

Billie was the first person I went to. I just showed up crying at his door one day. And oh, Billie was livid. When Mike and Tre found out, they couldn't believe it. But now they know I've made the decision to 'forgive' him, I'm not so much in anyone's happy book apart from maybe Matthews.

"Do you really think he'll do it again Mike?" I asked him beside me, my head still down.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly, I promise I won't shout,"

"Cheaters never change Nightlyn. Billie had a point. You always question things. Rules, authorities, the internet, news, your own dad, what makes you believe what this guy says is true?"

I pulled my head up. Pushing my hair back out of my face. "I don't know. I just- I wanna believe him. So badly,"

We were quiet for a few moments as Mike moved his hand off my shoulder. I stared in front at nothing particular. As thoughts rushed around my head, wondering if it was worth it. To believe him.

"Billie's in his room," Mike randomly informed.

I glanced towards Mike confused as he leaned back staring out my window. I walked over to it staring over the road through Billie's window.

Another thing about living across the road from Billie was how both our rooms faced each other. When his curtains and mine were open, and our lights were on. We could see each other, even when the other one didn't realise it.

Billie sat crossed legged on the end of his bed, scribbling in a book. His pen scribbling looked rather violent and angry. "He must be writing,"

"Y'know Billie, he probably is,"

I turned back at Mike. "What do you think he's writing about?"

He shrugged. As he made his way over to the window too beside me. "Probably just his feelings,"

"You think he's writing about how angry he is at me? Or how much he hates Matt,"

Mike snickered. "Probably both,"

Billie Joe's P.O.V

Something Nightlyn had always failed to understand was how her spotlight had greatly blinded others.

She was one of the smartest kids growing up, she outshined me a lot as a kid. She was the one with hope everyone believed in, I was her worser half. Pulling threads and stunts behind the lines just to see her break a sweat.

It wasn't out of pure jealousy of course. I'd never wanted the light she got. But something about me just loved to see her get agitated. It always had.

Now I understand that sounds bad. I just enjoyed being her burden I guess. I think she did too, for most of it.

Of course, the pressure had fizzed on top of her frail, young shoulders as time began to pass by the cracks deepened in her record of being the bright one. But before she even knew it, she was just a burnt out like the rest of us. Before she could even process it. One day she looked around to realise she had worn herself to a shadow in the recent years.

I closed my eyes for a moment. Stopping scrawling with writing. These were only notes I'd hope to turn into lyrics. And they were all... not me. Not my words, not my thought process, not something I'd write, not even about me.

After opening my eyes, I dropped the pen looking over to my window. I couldn't see Nightlyn, Mike or Tre's figures in her room, looked empty.

I was somewhat excited when Nightlyn grew up turning like the rest of us, and I resented myself for it. She was my best friend, how could someone wish the downfall of their own friend?

Sometimes I think both Night and I still live in our past. I get insecure that she's still that outshining, clean slated, better than me kid. And sometimes, she does too.

But if there's one thing to remember from my huge rant of the past, after having walked out of her room in a huff. It was that we were equal now.

We were both burnout, jaded, sleep deprived and attention starved humans dragging ourselves around on two limbs with the same lack of expression and emotions.

It was one of those things we both knew. But no one said anything. Something that'd loom in the air, but as if white noise. Just a white noise sort of thing. A 'Let's not talk about it' sort of thing. A 'will we be this way forever?' sort of thing. A 'what's the fucking point?' sort of thing.

And I get it. I do. No one wants to be the way we are now. On autopilot still spiralling.

I get it, she was upset to turn out the same as me. I would be too. Because this life, it's not great.

But the one thing to remember was we're the same now. Both cynical, both fucked, both screwed. We're both on our downwards spiral.

She wasn't the better half anymore.

A/N: OMG, WHEN I TELL YOU I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS BOOK FOR OVER A YEAR. I BEGAN THIS CHAPTER IN 2021 ON THE 3RD OF JAN. THEN SINCE I'VE CONTINUED CHAPTER BY CHAPTER.

So, here's a warning. This is gonna be a long, twisty book. The chapters will all be super long and as of right now I've got thirty two chapters ready.

I've been so excited to begin releasing this book. It's probably my most favourite one I've written so far.

SO PLEASE, LEMME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE EVERYTHING,