C H A P T E R   30  :   M A S K   O R   N O   M A SK

❝ That is the question.❞

"Am I out of touch?
Am I out of my place?
When I keep saying that I'm looking for an empty space
Oh, I'm wishing you're here
But I'm wishing you're gone
I can't have you and I'm only gonna do you wrong

Oh, I'm going to mess this up
Oh, this is just my luck
Over and over and over again"

F L A S H B A C K S

"Fucking hell." I whispered as I felt the gentle summer breeze caress my skin. It was the first time in months that I stepped foot outside and the moonlight was pouring over my body as if baptizing me. "I've missed this."

Peter was outside his window already, waiting for me. He turned around and his mouth fell agape, his eyes running my suit up and down several times, making my legs tremble. I felt like a teenager in a teen fiction movie, except I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach. I felt spiders. That intense, maddening, consuming feeling we couldn't take off our systems, like an infection nobody asked for. Like a disease that could heal me.

He swallowed once, then twice. Then looked away, up at the stars.

"This is going to be hard."

"The zipper isn't even pulled down." I said, a smirk dancing on my lips.

"Yeah, let's keep it that way." He muttered under his breath. "How are you feeling? Being outside?"

"Surprinsingly, I'm good. I'm not gonna snap and do something stupid, if that's what you're wondering."

"No, I just... I don't want anything to happen to you. If you feel disturbed, you tell me, okay?

"That goes for you too, Spidey. Don't forget I'm here for you."

***

"Oh my God, that was incredible!" I shouted above the wind as Peter made us land softly on a rooftop. We had just saved a bunch of people from a robbery in a hotel. It was ironic, the cat burglar now stopping theft.

"I know, right?" Peter agreed excitedly. My body was shook from all the adrenaline, the thrill still pumping in my veins, begging to be released. "We make a hell of a team, Party-Hardy."

I raised an eyebrow at him, a full smile on my face.

"Party-Hardy?"

"Yeah, it just slipped out of my lips."

I grinned at him. I was pretty sure my eyes were sparkling. Or maybe it was the world. Or maybe everything. I didn't know. This feeling was not very familiar to me. Vast and overwhelming and liberating. I felt like I could do anything at that moment. Like the whole world was at my feet.

"I like it." I said. "I like it a lot. Call me that. Whenever you want." I looked down, at the streets below. We could see so much from here, all the buildings and all the people and all the life in the city that never slept. "Dammit, now I know why you can't stop doing this. This feels amazing. Did you see the faces of those guys when we surprised them from behind?"

"Yeah, I definitely saw how they feasted their eyes on you."

"See? It worked! They got distracted and that bought us time. It was so easy fighting them, wasn't it? Damn, it felt good, kicking their asses. And did you see how those people thanked us when we saved them?"

Peter laughed at my excitement. I couldn't hold it in. It was like I had just discovered another layer to life. A whole new dimension of possibilities. With Peter I could forget who I was. I could think about who I'd be. The sensation was so inebriating I felt like I could get drunk or high from it.

"I did. But the credit is all yours, Party-Hardy. You did the most work there. You made me so proud, I couldn't stop grinning underneath the mask."

My eyes glistened, hearing my role model say that. Inside of me waves of exhilaration were building up. My whole soul was fidgety from joy. I looked down again. The entire city was below us. I looked up, at Peter, feeling his eyes on me through the mask. The entire world was between us.

Then it happened. Quickly and suddenly and inevitably.

He ripped his mask off his face in a swift, impatient gesture and I threw my hands around his neck, pulling him towards me like a black hole engulfing a star. His strong arms wrapped around my waist instantly, our bodies glued together like two pieces of a puzzle that just naturally fit.

Our lips crashed against each other eagerly, the energy accumulated in our bodies being released and transferred to one another in a burst of tremors. The kiss was clumsy and quivering and hectic, leaving us both breathless and gasping for more; his fingers pressed against my skin in urgent need while mine frantically clasped the back of his neck. Peter tasted like the good side of the world, and I couldn't believe he was letting me savor it.

"Holy hell." Peter let out between heavy sighs once we finally broke apart. We didn't let go of each other, though, our foreheads linked together.

"That's an oxymoron," I said, unable to hide the huge smile he had permanently planted on my face. "But then again, I guess... so are we."

Peter shook his head, his nose slowly rubbing mine.

"I think our mouths disagree. I think they match quite well."

"You do?" I tilted my head to the side and smirked. The wind was blowing on my hair. The moon was glowing above us. His hands hadn't moved from my waist, like they belonged there. I was thinking how this felt right. How it felt so much better than all those rom-coms he had made me watch. How I'd never thought my heart would be able to have space for this. For this person that was just beyond. I never thought I'd have it in me, to love like this. So intensely and inescapably. Why was this called first love? A love like this never ended.

He nodded. "Yeah, but can we like, hum, shut up? Because I'd really like to get back to that part where our mouths do the talking."

I slid my hand up his torso, feeling his heartbeat in my palm.

"That may be the most intelligent thing you've ever said, Spidey."

***

If Spider-Man was my salvation, Black Cat was my redemption. Every time I went out as her, I felt alive. It's like being this whole other person was helping me find out who I truly was. With the mask on I could be everything I was too afraid to be without it. I still had a long way to go to defeat my demons, but I didn't feel as scared or as tormented as before. I spent less time looking over my shoulder and imagining someone was there to take me away again. She helped me make up for all the mistakes of my past, while being a coping mechanism, a protection against the world. And if the Black Cat was the armor, Spider-Man was the bridge.

He brought me closer to reality with every opponent we fought, every person we helped, every house or street we kept safe. The media started talking about us, which terrified me at first. The unwanted attention could get me in trouble. But then I realized the spotlight was actually the safest place to be. They had gotten to me before because I was a nobody hiding in the shadows. Now I was the Devil in Heels, smiling for the cameras.

And now I had him by my side, and the whole world was ours to conquer.

***

I pulled my zipper down and smirked at the dumbfounded eyes in front of me. Surprinsingly, this kind of attention didn't bother me. I was finally the puppeteer, not the doll trapped on their strings.

"Need a tissue for all that drool, gentlemen?" I asked mockingly to the guys in front of me. I had just barged into an underground reunion by kicking the door open and was relishing on the current state of confusion that flooded the room while I could, because it wouldn't last much.

"Who the fuck are yo---" One started, but his mouth closed abruptly when Peter jumped from the roof and shot a web at it. Ah, the joke never got old.

"Now, that's not a nice way to speak to a lady." He declared, backflipping gracefully in the air and making an impressive superhero landing next to me. The men's faces contorted in anger upon the familiar sight of the friendly neighborhood, and hands reached for holsters. "Oh, come on guys, why does it always have to be guns? Make love, not war, right? Besides..."

Peter pointed up. All the weapons of the room were glued to the ceiling by his infamous webs. While I distracted in the spotlight, Spidey acted in the shadows. Talk about a great team.

"Sorry, lads," I announced cheerfully, "guess we're gonna have to do this old school."

"You're dead." One of them said through gritted teeth, his raging eyes glaring at me. Not so interested in my chest anymore, uh?

"Yes, but watch how I can still kick your ass." I said cheekily, and the men came at me. Peter and I had decided I wouldn't use my claws because they still hurt too much, physically and mentally, but even without them I could hold my ground against war veterans, experienced fighters or trained criminals. Being trained among the worst of the worst had that advantage. Besides, these guys were only human after all, whereas now I was super.

"Boring," I kept repeating as I moved from one guy to another. Their blows had intention but lacked speed; their technique was strong but sloppy, and the footwork wasn't that great either, making them quickly lose their balance without me breaking a sweat.

When I finished putting the last man to sleep, I wiped my hands and looked around for Peter, who was leaning against a wall lazily, arms crossed over his chest. I could bet he had a smug smile on his face.

"That was hot." He declared as he moved away from the wall and came towards me. I raised one inquiring eyebrow at him.

"Did you seriously just let me do all the work while resting against the wall this whole time?"

He shrugged, his hands raised in defeat.

"It was clear you could handle them on your own. Besides, seeing you fight like that, hum, it's... hard to resist." I was about to reply when he leaned towards me and whispered in my ear, his hot breath fanning my neck. "Keep the zipper up next time. Only I should pull it down."

***

"Don't you think we should discuss this? Us?" He asked me in a murmur, his lips slipping from my ear to my neck while my entire body grumbled with pleasure. He was trapping me against him, one arm in my waist and another around my belly, his hand tracing patterns along my skin. Smiling against the pillow, I could feel his rapid heartbeat in my ribs. This was the best part of the day. When he'd slip under my sheets or I under his and we'd just stay in bed, cuddling and spooning like lovesick fools.

"What for?" I replied, slowly sliding my leg down his. I felt him shudder slightly and a silly smile spread in my lips. I loved how he reacted to me. "Labels just bring along needless responsibilities. Can't we just enjoy this without having to complicate it?"

"Yeah, we can, but... I don't know, I'd like to be able to call you mine or something. Or like, introduce you to my friends as my girlfriend if you'd let me."

"Peter..." I sighed and turned around to face him. He was looking at me like a lost puppy and all I wanted was to pick him up and hold him forever. "I was thinking of looking for an apartment for myself, actually."

His face fell immediately, a deep frown embedded into his soft features.

"I thought you liked it here." He was going to take his hand off my body when I entwined our fingers and made him stay.

"I do. I love it. But you're going to start school soon again and I think I've been here long enough. I don't want to overstay my welcome, and besides you and your aunt deserve to have your own space back."

He pouted and I leaned forward to steal him a quick kiss.

"But she doesn't mind and I... I was getting used to this. To have you with me all the time."

"Peter, if I'm going to be your girlfriend, I'm going to need my own place. I can't stay here eternally. I need to start my own life."

His eyes lit up like Christmas lights.

"For real? You'll be my girlfriend?"

I gave him a peck on the bridge of his nose.

"I'm pretty sure I already am."

***

It was hard at first, not having him with me to fill the empty spaces and break all that silence around me. Having me as my only company and facing my darkest thoughts. But I found ways to cope with it, keeping myself busy. I decided to take extra classes so I could get my high school diploma. I started selling my art, visiting museums and galleries and learning as much as I could. I started training hard so I could be a good ally to Spider. So I could pay off for all the lives I had lost. I realized my curse could be somebody else's blessing; that I could use my pain and my anger to help others. Months passed, and mine and Peter's relationship grew, and then one day I decided to visit him at school, and it all started to change.

"Felicia!" Peter exclaimed in his normal confused tone upon seeing me. I was waiting outside his school for him, watching all those people living normal lives. Knowing I'd never be like them. "What are you doing here?"

"Just thought I could pick you up so we could go somewhere nice. Besides, I think I should mark my territory." I told him before grabbing him by his collar and giving him a blazing kiss. I heard people stopping on their tracks to watch and whisper about us. Good.

"Holy guacamole," He muttered against my lips, his chest rising up and down quickly. "I think it's marked."

"Peter," a voice said behind him, "might care to tell us who is this?"

I turned my head slightly, to the boy with the elusive smirk and piercing blue eyes. He was watching us amused, and something about it made me uncomfortable. Like he was a wolf in the skin of a sheep. Beside him, stood Mary Jane, bright red hair and shocked big eyes.

"I'm Felicia." I introduced myself since Peter was still catching his breath.

"Ah, so we're finally meeting your famous girlfriend, Peter?" The guy asked, his tongue sliding along his lower lip. "I was starting to think she was but a figment of your imagination but now I understand why you wanted to keep her all to yourself. Before someone stole her away from you."

I didn't like the tone of this dude. How he was looking at me like I was an item he wanted to add to his collection.

"The only person that can steal me away from Peter is himself." I retorted in defiance. "From the stuck-up posture I'm guessing you must be Harry Osborn."

"The one and only." He replied sarcastically, and I narrowed my eyes at him. He did the same, and we just stood there for a while, battling each other until Mary Jane took a step forward.

"I'm Mary Jane." She smiled, but I could tell it was forced. "It's nice to finally meet you. Peter talks a lot about you."

"About you too." I said neutrally and Peter scratched the back of his neck, obviously uncomfortable. I knew I would not get along with his friends, that's why I had resisted the idea of meeting them for so long, but I thought I could at least give it a shot. Now I was thinking I should have stayed home.

To make things worse, some guy whistled from across the street, his thunderous voice catching my attention.

"Hey, Parker," He said, coming towards us with his minions to back him up, "how much did you pay to get yourself a babe like that?"

My fists clenched instantly and Peter glanced at me, worried about my reaction. If there was one thing that triggered me, it was bullies.

"Get lost, Thompson," Harry warned him, but the school's king ignored him and stopped right in front of me, his eyes wandering over my body shamelessly. I felt the anger bubbling up inside me upon hearing his name. So this was the kid that made my guy's life a living hell?

"Sure, if the blondie comes with me, I will." He replied, a smug smirk on his lips. I rolled my eyes at him, my shoulders shaking from rage.

"Felicia, let's go." Peter muttered to me, but I just ignored him. Something else was in control now. I took a step forward and held Flash Thompson's glare with an ominous one. Some people took a step back. I had been trained to look intimidating, but that was already on my bones beforehand.

"Tell me, how much did you pay to get yourself a brain like that, uh? Cause clearly it wasn't enough." I saw his jaw tensing. For the first time the hunter was being hunted by someone he had thought was the prey. "You know, that story is really getting old. The 'I have problems at home so let me just bring down everyone at school so I can at least feel like I'm worth something once in my life'. Breaking news, dumbass, your reign will fall and this brainless people you surround yourself with will grow and leave you and you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you were still the king just to realize you were always only pathetic. Real friends don't walk behind you."

I gestured towards the horde of followers he had with him. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Peter, uncomfortable. Harry, impressed. Mary Jane, uneasy.

"You know, I'm sure your pretty lips are better at kissing than talking." Flash replied, followed by nervous laughter around him. I smiled at him. I knew sick smiles hurt the most.

"Jeez, I really want to punch you right now, you know? It's just, your obnoxious face is not even worthy of my fist. But make no mistake, taunt Peter again and I'll show you how much more miserable your life can be. Say goodbye to your kingdom, babe. Now there's a queen in town."

***

"Seriously, Peter?" I asked him as we finished climbing a wall and sat on the edge of the building, the darkness protecting us from the people down below. He had been quiet all night. Too quiet. "Are you still mad at me for putting Flash Thompson in his place?"

"I just don't think it was necessary."

"Oh, please." I rolled my eyes at him. "That guy deserved to fall of his throne and have his crown taken away from him ages ago. It's just sad no one had the guts to do that before me."

"Felicia!" He exclaimed, exhausted. Even beneath the mask his eyes still burned through me. "Please, just... let me deal with this on my own."

I felt a sting of pain attacking my heart. "Are you saying you don't want me in that part of your life? That I should stay away?

"No, it's just... you don't have to get involved in my troubles."

"You think I can't handle them?" I reached for his hand but stopped when our fingers were mere inches away. "Your trouble is my trouble, Peter."

"But it shouldn't be. I know you have your own battles to fight, I don't want you to fight mine as well."

"But that's the point, Peter. You're not fighting them!" I shook my head in disbelief. "I don't understand you. You have these incredible powers and you let that guy mistreat you anyway when you could easily overthrow him."

"Dammit, Felicia, it's not like that. Don't you get it? At school I'm just... Peter. I'm normal. I don't want to have to use the Spider to make people value me. I want them to see me for who I am, not for what I can do."

I huffed in exasperation. "Unbelievable. You're unbelievable. Spider-Man is who you are. It's who you've always been, even before you got those powers and put on that suit. You're a hero by choice, not by chance. If he can help you with your life, why not let him?"

"Because I don't want to attract people that only like me when I'm a hero, Felicia!" We were murmuring to each other, but his voice in my head was loud. We had argued before, but not like this. "I want to be able to be myself without the expectations that come with the suit. Because this nerdy, awkward part of me is still a big part of me. That's who I am."

"I'm not saying you should reveal your identity, Peter, of course not, just... you could stand up for yourself, you have the means. The person you are behind that mask is who you always were. The mask just helps bring that side of you more easily, but that doesn't mean it hasn't always been there. I see that spark when you're fighting the city's bullies. So why do you put it out when it comes to fighting your own?"

Peter shook his head and looked down, and the absence of his watchful eyes on me made my heart ache. I needed him to be my vigilante too.

"You don't get it."

"No, I do. It's like you're afraid to become Spider-Man because you think it'll make Peter Parker go away. That people will forget or be disappointed with the man behind the mask. What you don't understand is that you're both at the same time. There's no difference other than that suit."

Peter raised his head suddenly, and I could feel him glaring at me with that fire he didn't show too often. That fire I was afraid I'd cool down.

"You sure about that? 'Cause it seems to me sometimes you love Spider-Man more than Peter."

My mouth fell agape. It was like he punched a hole through my chest.

"I... why would you think that?"

"You like masks and disguises and the possibilities that come with them. You like the lack of commitment, the action, the thrill. The absence of routine. I know you think my normal life is too boring. Too normal."

"I just think you could make it more excitable, with the gifts you have---"

"I need you to accept all my sides, Felicia, not just my masked one. It's not enough if you just like the hero in me, because I can't be a hero all the time. Before anything, I am Peter Parker and that's who you should want. Because that's who I can give you."

That struck a nerve deep within me. My anger kept me talking when my avoidance habits ordered me to shut up.

"Mask or no mask on, I love you." I heard his heart skip a beat. He had never heard me say it before. I had never admitted it. "You're the same to me even if you feel different. I still see the same soul, just different covers. The content is the same even if you change the package, right?"

He looked away and for the first time I wondered if he was afraid too. To love. After what had happened with Gwen, I couldn't blame him.

"Maybe for you. But the world doesn't know me like you do."

"The world shouldn't have a say in the matter. Honestly, I just feel like you could do so much more if you allowed yourself to embrace all that you are."

"It's quite hypocritical of you to tell me that when you're hiding behind a mask too. When you also use it so you can explore other sides of you you'd normally wouldn't let the world see if you weren't anonymous, sides that don't fit in to normal life. Honestly, you should get it. My desire to be normal once in a while. After what you've been through, you..."

I looked away brusquely, a lump impossible to untie forming on my throat.

"Felicia, I..."

"No, you're right, I should get it. But I don't. Maybe that's the difference between you and me. That you're afraid of being Spider-Man while I'm afraid of being Felicia Hardy." I got up, my voice impassive. "I think I'm going home, I'm sure you can handle some petty criminals. Don't... don't bother come by my house tonight. The windows will be closed."

***

"It hurts, doesn't it? Seeing somebody you like liking someone else?" Almost as worse as watching Peter and Mary Jane playing pool together was having to stand Harry's company by my side. I didn't even know what I was doing in this bar, why I had agreed to come. Maybe I wanted to redeem myself for being so cold and distant lately, for ignoring his calls and texts for two weeks straight. Now I was facing the music, seeing them so close.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Peter is my boyfriend."

"Maybe, but he liked Mary Jane before you appeared in his life."

"Shut up, Osborn."

"Make me, Hardy."

"If you want me to punch you, I'll gladly do so."

"No, save those for Thompson, I'm sure he'll want to repeat the dose."

I shot daggers at him with my eyes, receiving a cunning smirk in return.

"You just had to remind me of that, didn't you?" I said, recalling the events from the day before. I had gone to Peter's school to solve things out with him; but then I saw Flash making fun of him and rage took over me. Next thing I knew, my fist was all over his face and Peter was even more upset with me than before.

"You know how it is, Hardy. Always here for you. Besides, I do enjoy a girl who knows how to throw a right hook."

I rolled my eyes and turned to the bartender to ask for a drink.

"I'm pretty sure you're underage." He alleged.

"And I'm pretty sure you want to profit." I retorted. "Vodka, please."

The bartender narrowed his eyes but filled my glass anyway. I hated drinking, I hated anything that altered my conscience, but right now I also hated myself. I was doing this to sabotage me. I craved lethargy, anything that would make me unfeel and unthink. The only problem was that I took too long to get drunk now. Nothing made me forget.

"Easy on that, love." Harry warned me. "You won't want to make a scene."

"Shut up, Osborn." I repeated before taking a big sip. I waited for the burn in my throat, but it barely even gave me a tingle. Fuck this.

"Is that all you know how to say?" He asked, a sly smirk hanging on his lips, his eyes watching me like a player about to checkmate. Sometimes it felt like the world was just a chessboard for him, and every person just a pawn at his disposal. But I wasn't a chessman; I was an entire game of my own.

"Your voice annoys me. In fact, your mere existence annoys me. Why don't you go hit on a girl or something and leave me alone?"

"You're a girl." He pointed out.

"And your best friend's girlfriend, for the record." I declared.

"You sure about that?" Harry asked, pointing at the pool table where Mary Jane was helping Peter plan his next play. Even though it was against her. Gosh, that's how much she liked him. I tried to conceal the surge of jealousy that washed over me; how he looked at her, how she giggled. How he stuttered, how she smiled. I wanted to puke. Preferably all over Harry.

"So what if they look like a couple, perhaps so do we and God knows that's something we'll never be." I sneered. Harry smirked, but his eyes didn't.

"If it's any consolation, I'd choose you over Mary Jane."

I snorted, knowing he was just mocking me. It was all fun and lies with this guy. "It's not." I placed the glass on the counter. "Another one, please."

"Are you actually gonna pay for that?" The bartender asked me suspiciously and I pointed with my thumb towards Harry.

"My buddy here will pay. He's loaded." I said while Harry obliterated me with his sharp eyes. I smiled innocently at him. "Always here for you, right?"

Harry huffed in exasperation but nodded to the bartender. By the pool table, Mary Jane was whispering in Peter's ear. All my feelings clenched.

"You're unbelievable, Hardy." Harry let out, his voice like a pendulum throwing me off balance. Without thinking, I slid my fingers through his collar. By the fabric I could tell how expensive it was. In what seemed like a lifetime ago, my father and I had stolen from people like him. Perhaps even from him. That idea alone made me smile with ease.

"But you like that about me, don't you, Osborn?"

Harry narrowed his eyes, skeptical about my sudden change of behavior. From the corner of my eye, I saw Peter glancing at us, his whole being on pause. The world got suspended when our eyes locked. I waved at him and turned to Harry, leaning towards him. Then, like the killjoy he was, he grabbed my wrist and gave me a furious glance.

"Don't do this, Felicia." He warned in a low tone, the wolf in him coming out of its sheep skin for moments. "Don't use me to make him jealous."

I sighed and returned to my place. "I don't even know if he'd get jealous anymore. I feel like I threw it all away, that I blew all my chances with him. It's like... since I don't know how to feel right, I always love wrong." I pressed my lips in a firm line out of regret. I didn't mean to confess all those things out loud. Especially not to Harry. "Never mind."

"No, I get it." He said, and I raised my eyebrows. "Seriously, I do. We're messed up. Messed up people don't know how to treat others right."

"Wait, are you finally admitting you're not perfect?" I observed in awe. Harry rolled his eyes at me, blue marbles on a ghostly face. He always seemed phased. Like only half of him was present. We had that in common. We didn't need drugs to evade. Pain did that for us.

"Maybe you should just leave him, you know. Spare him from your flaws."

"Do you know how to be anything other than a jerk?" I asked through gritted teeth. Harry always had to find a way to piss me off. I guess we had that in common too. We competed against each other because inside of us we were losing.

"I know how to be rich." Harry smirked before taking a sip of my vodka. "And how to deal with you."

"Believe me, you don't."

"And I'm assuming Peter does?" He enquired. "Then why is he the one there and I'm the one here?"

"I don't like pool. And you said you had a better table at home. So that's why we're here and---"

"Come on, darling, give me your number. You know we can have fun, you and I." My ears perked up at those words and I looked around the room. By the door a man was grabbing a girl's arm without the intent to let it go.

"If you want a drink, the bar's over there." She said, trying to break free from his grasp.

"I want another type of drink." He replied, his words dragged and slurred. "I want yours---"

"Hey, asshole." I shouted above the music, drawing some people's attention to myself. I raised my glass to him, an impudent, angry flare in my eyes. "Do you want mine?"

The guy finally let go of her and moved his head towards me, prepared to scare me off, until his eyes fell on my body and a slimy smirk filled his lips.

"I sure do, sweetheart. Why don't you come over here and give it to me?"

I smiled sweetly at him and got up from the stool. Harry reached for my wrist, his eyes warning me like neon boards. But I was colorblind now.

"Felicia, stay out of it."

"You forgot to say please." I snickered, passing by the pool table to get to the door. I instantly felt a hand grab my arm and shivered. My spine would recognize his touch anywhere.

"Felicia, let me handle this. Please." He muttered.

"Peter, go back to your game. This has nothing to do with you."

"It has, from the moment you're involved." He declared, and I turned around to face him, projecting all the fury I had been feeling towards him. His eyes still took my breath away. They still gave me everything else.

"Peter, I am the boss of me. Not you."

"Felicia, can you please stay out of trouble for once?"

The more he asked, the more I denied. Like Harry had said, I didn't know how to treat people right. I didn't know how to love Peter patiently, subtly and selflessly, like Mary Jane did. I loved furiously, loudly and selfishly, like a child who never got what they wanted and threw a tantrum because of it.

"I can't stay out of myself, Pete." I turned my back on him and marched to the door. He called after me, but I didn't stop until I was right in front of the harasser. He took another good look at me and whistled.

"Heya, hun, you really are a piece of meat—"

I ignored him and looked over at the scared girl. A sudden throwback hijacked my mind, making my legs falter and my grit waver. Other men, long ago, commanding me like I was their pet. Another startled face, in front of me, begging me to help her. Me telling her to run. Sentencing her to her death. Her blood, in my hands. Her vanished life, at my feet.

I had a chance now. To make some right. To compensate for all the wrong.

"This guy was bothering you?"

"It's okay." She said, glancing at me with concern. "I'm used to it."

"That doesn't make it okay." I replied and focused on the man who was looking between me and the girl, a nauseating grin on his face.

"You know, we could do something fun, the three of us. I have my car parked outside."

"You know, that's really not a nice way to treat a person." I told him.

"What am I doing wrong? I'm just flattering you, sweeties."

"No, you're committing a crime." I retorted, allowing the fire to ignite in my voice. His face changed instantly, growind more wicked. Here it was, the man behind the mask. One way or another, everyone wore one.

"Back off, girl. I think I'm gonna settle with just one tonight." He said and reached for the girl's arm again, but I grabbed his instead and dug my nails into his skin. My claws weren't even out, but he flinched in pain anyway.

"Apologize." I said and the guy shot me a thunderstruck stare.

"What?"

I increased the strength of my grip, my eyes invading his. I knew I could be scary. I wanted him to feel scared. I was sick of how wrong the world was.

"Say you're sorry, douchebag."

The man kept quiet, and my nails went deeper. Tears prickled his eyes and when he spoke, his voice was thin and frail.

"Ok, ok, I'm... I'm sorry!"

"Good. Now you're gonna leave her and every other girl alone, do you hear me?" All eyes were on us now. Peter was watching me with a scowl and I felt a thud in my heart. I didn't want to disappoint him. But I didn't know how to stop being me. How to find the balance between the two.

The guy nodded with effort, his face turning red. I gestured for the girl to leave and she thanked me with her eyes. I nodded and released the man's arm. When I turned around to let the matter go, he spoke.

"You crazy bitch, wait until I get you alone, and let's see how many crimes I can--"

He never got to finish his sentence. I turned around and smashed my glass of expensive vodka right on his head.

***

"Felicia, what's gotten into you?" Peter questioned me some blocks away from the bar, after literally having to drag me out to stop me from beating the shit out of the abuser. "You almost killed that guy!"

"I just acted when everyone else ignored." I gazed at him with ire. I hoped he knew it was love. "Are you really gonna blame me for that?"

"I asked you to let me handle it. Now he's at the hospital and the police---"

"I'll handle the police." Harry intervened nonchalantly. Unlike Peter and Mary Jane, he didn't seem bothered. Sometimes it felt like he was the only one who accepted some of my sides. Who understood them because he had them too.

"Still." Peter said. His eyes were drenched in defeat. Morphed by letdown. "You shouldn't have done what you did. It was wrong."

"If you're trying to make me apologize, I won't. The only regret I have is not having finished my drink before shattering it on his skull. Sorry for wasting your money, Harry."

"It was for a good cause." He answered. Perhaps I had misjudged him. The one who was usually against me was the only one by my side right now.

"Harry, don't encourage her." Mary Jane intervened. "Felicia could have gotten in trouble. Could have gotten us in trouble."

"You're free to walk away, if you want. I'm sure Peter would love to walk you home." I said, forcing a smile to hop onto my lips. "He does love damsels in distress. And I'm just a knight in shining armor."

"Excuse us for a moment." Peter grabbed my arm and pulled us away so his friends wouldn't hear us. "What are you doing, Felicia?"

"I'm bringing Black Cat into Felicia, that's what I'm doing. What you should do too."

"I thought we had talked about this." Peter sighed, his eyes boring into mine, trying to decode. But you couldn't translate what you couldn't see. "What exactly are you trying to prove? And to whom?"

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away, into the night. I wish stars could rain too. I wish I could give them to him, so he'd understand. How he was these bright spots to my cloak of darkness. How sometimes we couldn't see them shine, if other lights interfered. Like my pain, beaming.

"Nothing. To no one. You know what I think? I think you're just covering up your own disappointment with yourself. Maybe if you weren't so into your little game with MJ, you could have gotten to the situation first and prevented the asshole from being at the hospital right now."

Peter shook his head, a hand rubbing his chin. "So that's what this is about? Mary Jane?"

"Well, you tell me!" I exclaimed. "Is there anything I should know? Because if there is you better tell me now before I find out for myself."

"I've told you, Felicia, we're just friends. Honestly, you can't keep doing these things just because you're jealous---"

"I'm not jealous." I cut off, my voice sharp like ice. I was an iceberg and he was Titanic. We both knew how that ended. Who would go down.

"Then what are you?" He instigated. "Because you've been uncontrollable and unrecognizable lately. First you punch Flash when I specifically asked you not to, then you try to get drunk when I know you hate alcohol, you flirt with my best friend even though you hate him, you get into a bar fight and almost get a man killed, you mistreat MJ because you have this fear she'll replace you or something and I know you've been going to these illegal races and hanging out with crowds that are not good people."

My eyebrows shot up. I was trying to digest all he had pointed out, but this last part was supposed to be a secret. "You know about that?"

"I'm Spider-Man, Felicia."

"Sometimes it doesn't seem like it."

"You should stay away from them." He advised, his eyes worn-out. It was my fault. I was draining the life out of this lively spirit. That's what I did. Anything I came close to perished.

"That's none of your concern, Peter. I love driving and racing. At least there I can be myself without being judged. Without having to pretend to be something that I'm not. Just because they're not your crowd doesn't mean they're a bad one. Being tough is not the same as being evil. You should get that I know the difference."

"You're putting yourself in needless danger and what for? Elation? Is that why you've been ignoring me?"

"If I were looking for danger, I wouldn't have ignored you. There's no one that can make me feel so at risk as you do. And so damn safe at the same time. I ignored you because, well... I don't know. Because maybe I'm trying to ignore my feelings. This detestable, unbearable emotions you bring out in me. Because maybe I'm afraid... to let you in. Or let me out."

Peter's eyes turned softer and I looked away, unable to bear their mildness.

"Why would you be afraid of that?"

"You know why!" I said, my voice raising in sync with my heartbeat. "Because I'm this mess I don't know how to control. This hurricane I don't know how to stop and I don't... I don't want to drag you along. I can't trust my feelings, Peter. They're like bullets that shoot against me. And there's no way I'm gonna let you get caught in the crossfire."

Peter grabbed my chin, lifting my head so our eyes could meet.

"Loving you is not a gunfire, Felicia. I don't need a bulletproof vest."

"You're gonna end up damaged by my edges." I let out in a whisper. "By the splinters in me. My mind is not docile or meek. It's not a good place for you to be in. If you rustle your soul on mine, you will not find it soft."

"Let me find that on my own." His eyes on mine were faithful. I wish he'd be cynical, for once. With me there was always a crossroad. I either destroyed things or they ended up destroying me. But with Peter it was the same. Destroying him was destroying me. "I know you're afraid you'll hurt me, but what happened to you in the past was not your fault and it does not have to define your future."

"My hands are full of blood, Peter. You can't change that."

"I can clean them. You can clean them. Just give yourself a chance, Felicia. Give us a chance. If you want to risk something, risk this. Gamble us."

I bit my lip, I knew I shouldn't. But his eyes were devoted, and his hands on my face were forgiving. I let myself believe. And that's where I lost.

"I'm sorry for everything
Oh, everything I've done
From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved
Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I love

Am I out of luck?
Am I waiting to break?
When I keep saying that I'm looking for a way to escape
Oh, I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted
I can't help you when I'm only gonna do you wrong"

A/N: Song is "Shots" by Imagine Dragons which describes how Felicia's sees herself really well. Picture is from the comics ;)