C H A P T E R   19 :   Y O U   C A N ' T   P U N C H   T H E   P A S T

"I can see every tear you've cried
Like an ocean in your eyes
All the pain and the scars have left you cold

I can see all the fears you face
Through a storm that never goes away
Don't believe all the lies that you've been told

I'll be right here now to hold you when the sky falls down
I will always be the one that took your place
When the rain falls, I won't let go
I'll be right here"

"So I think if I had to choose a time when I felt happy, it was those years." I continued. "Yes, I still had a rough time in school, but I was changing. I was growing confident. Despite everything else, I felt happy. I was recovering from the blows life had inflicted upon me and I truly believed there was a brighter future ahead of me. And then when I was fourteen... I died and someone else was born inside me. Something else started wearing this skin. My nightmare was about that... the night I became an orphan. We were in a robbery, my father and I. Just the two of us and all the happiness in the world. And then one single bullet crushed all of that in a matter of seconds. Gosh, that's why... that's why I hate guns. I can still see the blood, I can smell its scent, I can..."

My lower lip started trembling and the tears started falling down my face uncontrollably. I couldn't stop the flood. I couldn't bring him back.

"Felicia, you don't..." Logan said, and his voice was drenched in something sad too. I felt glad that he made no motion to approach me. I needed space, and he understood. "You don't have to tell me."

"I know. But I want to." I wiped the tears away as best as I could. My voice could be shaky, but as long as I had one, I'd keep talking. I needed to banish this from myself. I needed to send my pain into exile. "I watched powerlessly as my father collapsed to the floor and died in front of me. There was nothing I could do to help him. I was completely powerless again, and this time it hurt so much more because it was so unexpected. There had been no warnings, no time to prepare myself for the blow. At first I thought they were cops and that we had been caught, but when the men approached us... I knew they weren't. I'd never seen so much cruelty in somebody's faces. I didn't know yet monsters could be found in human bodies. But as soon as I discovered, I never forgot."

I closed my eyes, my fingers clasping my arms as if to protect myself. I was shaking from anger now. I wondered if one could die from its overload.

"God, Felicia..." Logan muttered, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in a gesture of despair. I saw how he felt helpless at that moment as well. How he wished he could do something to take the pain away from me. I was glad he didn't ask me the identity of the men. Perhaps he already knew; perhaps he already knew a lot of this. But hearing the story in the first person was always more devastating.

"Those are two words that don't match." I said bitterly. "The men grabbed me, pulled me away from my father and threw me inside a car, blindfolded. I was so terrified, but at the same time that feeling was numb. All I could really distinguish was rage. Rage that never left me from that day on. I tried to fight them, but they drugged me with something so I wouldn't move or struggle during the trip. When I... when I woke up, I was in some kind of lab. Trapped in a stretcher, where I would remain for so long. I was simply in another kind of prison, and I wondered if it was punishment for my flaws, errors and crimes. I wondered if I was such a bad person, if I deserved it."

"No." Logan interrupted me, absolutely furious. I had seen many sides to his fury, but never this one. It was like he would smash the world in his hands if he could. "Don't you dare think that. You didn't deserve it."

"I know that now. No one deserves. I soon realized the men that had kidnapped me were scientists, and I was their lab rat. I suffered so much while they experimented on me and triggered my genes. Medical equipment and feeling imprisoned still mess me up because they bring a long so many painful memories." I saw in his eyes how he understood, and it made me feel miserable. Logan did not deserve it either. "I... if this makes you uncomfortable, I can stop."

He widened his eyes a bit, touched by my consideration.

"No. I can handle my memories and pain. What it's harder is handling yours. Knowing you had to suffer at such a young age something similar to what I suffered... it makes me want to go on a killing spree." His voice was a dangerous, low growl. He had his fists and jaw clenched, and his body was trembling slightly from the amount of strength and rage he was confining within him. The only time I had seen him so out of control was during the Brotherhood's attack.

"Ok." I said slowly. "I'll gladly join. But let me finish my story first. I had no idea what the mad scientists were doing, or why. I had no clue about what their goal was or what they were turning me into. I was terrified because I didn't know what was happening inside of me and no one cared to explain. I didn't know how long the experimentation would take. How long I'd be able to stand it. I know now that it wasn't random that they picked me, of course. They had been after me because of my genes, and they intended not only to trigger them but to improve them to their maximum so that I could become their personal killing machine. Dammit, my father died because of me. Had he not been there with me and he wouldn't have died. How does someone... how does someone live with a guilt like that?"

"Felicia, stop that thinking pattern." Logan demanded, and his voice was unbendable. "It's destructive and it will lead you to nowhere. Listen to me, and listen carefully. It was not your fault. None of what happened was your fault. You weren't the one pulling the trigger. You weren't the one experimenting on someone else."

I sniffed, savoring the salty tears that had reached my upper lip.

"But what if it was, Logan? What if it was my fault? I mean, what if I do have a bad luck power? What if it was my power that caused so much destruction upon me and the ones around me? What if am to blame for all the horrible things that happened in my past? Just think about it. Even if my genes weren't triggered yet I might already have something within me influencing reality. What if I am the reason both my parents are dead? The reason I was taken and used as a lab rat? What if I'm an orphan who indirectly got her parents killed? A person who let herself be broken and destroyed?"

"Felicia, stop." Logan turned to me abruptly and grabbed my wrists to shake me slightly. The fact that even through his wrath he managed to restrain his strength so as not to hurt me left me breathless. "Even if you do have a power that can shape reality, which we don't know yet, that doesn't change anything. No amount of power could have such a big influence on what other people decide to do, or have such a big control over events. Nothing can affect and cause so much pain on its own. You aren't responsible for other people's hideous choices. You aren't responsible for their wicked behavior. Your power has nothing to do with how twisted human nature can be. Never doubt that. Just please... don't think that again."

At the end of his speech his fury had been replaced by desolation. His words calmed me down, but more than that it was his empathy.

"Well, if you put it that way... I have no other option but to admit you're right."

"Good. Because I wouldn't let you go until you agreed with me." He said, finally releasing my wrists. Well, then, perhaps I should have resisted a little longer.

I took a deep breath and continued my story.

"During my time there, I could feel myself changing. Something within me was different and I had no control over it. Again. It was the scariest time of my life. Eventually I came to realize what they were doing. I overheard their conversations and sometimes they would talk to me. They told me about their plans... how they would use me to conquer the world. To kill as many as fast and as silently as I could. They didn't see me as a human, just as another tool to fight in their war. I was no longer mine; only theirs and I had to accept it whether I liked it or not."

I heard Logan curse under his breath. I heard him call those men all of the things I had already called them.

"I lost track of time, I lost track of myself. Some days I believed the things they said; I no longer felt human. I had a hard time remembering my past or who I had been. Everything was so blurry and dizzy in my mind. I was in a constant state of alienation. They kept me that way to stop me from fighting them, of course. To tame me and turn me into their trained pet. The only benefit was it also numbed some of the pain."

"Fuck, this is killing me." I heard him mutter to himself in exasperation. I guess all the agony in my voice as I talked didn't exactly help either.

"Logan, I'll stop. I don't want to murder you. Not tonight."

He shook his head vehemently.

"No, keep going. You need to talk and I need to listen."

"Ok... some days it was easier just giving in to their plans. It was easier forgetting who I used to be, all of my morals and values, and just turn into what they wanted. Some days were so painful I couldn't remember who I was anymore. All I could see was what they wanted me to be. After the initial tests, the real experiments began and the X-Gene started developing inside me and finally gave me my powers."

I stopped, the lump in my throat spreading to my lungs and heart. Even after all this time it still felt so vivid.

"The injections never seemed to stop. Venom, invading my cells and abusing my organs. Poison running in my veins, intoxicating my system and breaking my mind. The claws breaching out my fingers, like needles piercing through my skin. I would pass out from pain, because no one in there was kind enough to anesthetize me. I would throw up, cry and struggle. And then I was punished for it."

Logan startled me with a sudden punch to the wall on the other side of him. The wall behind us reverberated with the violence of his strike.

I stared at him questioningly.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Slightly." He confessed and sighed. "I'm trying to control myself, Felicia, I really am. But I don't think those motherfuckers deserve my control."

"You can't punch the past, Logan." I stated. "I apologize if this is affecting you greatly, I know it's a touchy subject for you as well."

"It's not because it might trigger my own worst memories, Felicia. It's because imagining you go through yours is making me feel like shit. You don't have to make yourself go through this again."

"Yes, I do. I need closure, Logan. This is my closure. So that I can finally move on."

He nodded. "Next time you doubt your bravery, I'm gonna make you remember this moment."

He seemed almost inspired by me, which gave me a renewed strength.

"I was turning into something I didn't know, that I didn't recognize. I didn't understand how the world could be so cruel. Why nobody made it stop. No one came looking for me because all my loved ones were dead. I hated everything so fucking much. I just wanted to die."

I thought he was going to say something like No, don't think that way, something people normally said in situations like this.

But of course Logan swam against the tide.

"Fuck, I know, Felicia. I know." I knew he did; even I had a hard time imagining the amount of suffering he had to go through to get his adamantium skeleton. We both had things inside of us forever reminding us of our tragedy. Little souvenirs of pain. "Dammit, you had all the right to feel that way. You were human, and no human would want to survive under such circumstances. Fuck, if I had known... if I had known..."

He stopped, his fists and jaw clenched tightly. I wondered about his past, if he'd ever share it with me too. I wanted to help him the way he was helping me.

"I swear, Felicia, if I ever find those motherfuckers I will kill them, but only after providing them with the slowest of tortures. Those monsters deserve a taste of their own venom. They deserve to be completely crushed so they can know what real pain feels like. They deserve to wish they were dead before dying."

"I agree. I think a lot about what would happen if I found them again. The thought terrifies me... but sometimes I'm so angry I can't help fantasizing about slashing all of their throats. However, I don't even know if they're still alive. Honestly I don't think I want to find out, so... just leave it be, Logan. I know how it feels having the urge to chase after what did us wrong so we can take the law into our own hands, I know the appeal vengeance has, but... I just want to leave it behind."

Logan stared at me, I stared back, and he ended up nodding slowly.

"Ok. As much as I hate it, I'll let it go. Only because it's you asking."

"Thank you. Back on track... with the experiments triggering my genes, they had to study me. I was constantly being observed. They started telling me about all the things I could do and it scared me. They were so proud of themselves, and they talked as if I should be thankful and happy for what they had done to me. We gave you a new, better life. Don't waste it, they used to say, as if they hadn't been my murderers. For them what they were doing was completely right and honorable and all I had to do was comply."

I closed my eyes and opened my wounds.

"So, alongside the experiments, there were other things they needed me to do in order to become their great killing machine. During those two years I was held captive, they forced me to train hand-to-hand and armed combat. Martial arts and weapons. Security systems and espionage. Some basic words in many languages. It was a really intensive, exhausting training. If I stopped, I was punished. Simple as that. I was in a weak state both physically and mentally but they couldn't care less. And for me, anything was better than being restrained in a bed waiting for injections. Learning and fighting, even in those conditions, became a pause in between wars. A rest in between tortures. Your lessons compared to theirs... they feel like heaven."

"So, they don't make you uncomfortable? They don't trigger anything?"

"No. You are very far away from being a trigger. From being them. You're a teacher. They were dictators." I declared, and I saw Logan's chest rise up and down as he sighed of relief. "They were pleased with me at first. I was getting stronger quickly; I always had been a fast learner. Of course in more than one occasion I tried to use my new acquired skills against them, but it never worked. I was desperate so I did everything I could to escape, but they were too many and too powerful. One day I ended up giving up because the punishment that awaited me wasn't worth the try. I had come to terms that I would never escape them. That there was no salvation for me."

I paused again, shivering immensely. It was then that Logan moved closer to me, ever so slightly. Our shoulders touched and in that moment, that was enough. A slight touch of his was a massive anchor.

"It seemed like the experiments and the training and all the pain would never end, and then came the brainwashing. Or its attempt. I didn't even notice they were trying to do it until they started punishing me with no apparent reason. Until they started complaining it was failing. I remember them talking, saying they were having a hard time in turning me into the perfect killing machine. I had the body to do it. I had all the skills needed to successfully be lethal. But I lacked the heart."

"You were too human to become their robot." Logan commented.

"That's not how brainwashing works. No matter how much willpower we have... no one can resist such intrusion. It was like having aliens trying to colonize my being. However, it was taking them longer than expected. My brain wasn't yet theirs to control, and they hated it. They needed all of me at their orders. They needed me to blindly follow their every command, and they didn't understand how I still had my own will. How I hadn't yet surrender to their control. To this day I still don't know why they failed. I just know that for the first time failing came as something good to me. It was my failure that prevented me from being theirs completely, from being totally stripped of my freedom of choice. Of course failure meant punishment. They beat me, made me train harder than ever. They injected me more and more, trying to do everything they could to make it work, but somehow it didn't."

Logan's forehead wrinkled as he thought.

"Hum... your power, maybe. If you really can influence reality, maybe it prevented them from accessing yours. From controlling you."

"If that's the case, that's the only advantage I've found so far in that power. If they had been successful I don't know where I would be right now. Or what I would have done under their control. I can't imagine having to live like that, with that guilt... I'm so afraid others might not have been as lucky. I knew I wasn't alone in that place, despite never having seen other lab rat. But after acquiring my superhuman senses I could... I could hear their screams. I could smell their blood. Those ghosts will never leave me. I wonder if mine will leave them."

"I hope that place no longer exists. I hope hell has been shut down for good." Logan declared, acid dripping from his every word.

"I hope too. I don't know what happened to it. After I left... I didn't want to have anything to do with that place. Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I should have cared more about the victims that were left behind."

"No one can blame you, Felicia. No one can blame you for wanting to be as far away as possible from that nightmare. And if someone dares to, send them to me."

"I don't need you to fight my battles, Logan."

"But you need some help handling the weapons and healing the wounds. And it's okay to ask for help. Even I, the lonest of wolves, know that."

"Well..." I said, my eyes colliding with his. "You're helping me already. Even if it hurts my pride to admit it, you've been helping me ever since I arrived here. Even when I didn't deserve and treated you wrongly. You're a good person, Logan. If someone doubts that, send them to me."

"Most people that doubted it kinda had a reason to, since they're dead now."

I chuckled faintly.

"So... at that time I didn't know of course the brainwashing wasn't going to work. I was always expecting the day when it would and I'd lose all sense of me. I had no idea of how long I had been there, nor how much longer would I be. I tried..." My voice broke. Logan pressed his shoulder against mine more firmly. "I couldn't kill myself despite having tried. They made me immune to my self-attempts. My system was nearly indestructible. They took away from me another choice. They took them all."

I swallowed. Somewhere during my speech I had stopped crying, but now it came along another part of the story that hurt in a different way.

It hurt because passion meant having someone tattooed on your heart with your own blood.

"And then one day, when I was convinced everything was lost and that there was nothing left in me worth fighting for, someone came. Someone came and saved me. He woke me up from my nightmare and sent me into a dream." I stopped, evaluating his reaction. I could have tried to talk nonchalantly, but my voice would always betray me when it came to him. Logan had a glimpse of curiosity in his eyes, but he didn't ask me who he was, and I didn't tell.

"He fought the scientists and the guards and he freed me. Of course it crossed my mind he could be something even worse, if that was possible, but my sixth sense, which was new for me at that time, kept telling me I could trust him. And quite honestly, what other choice did I have? I had imagined this moment so many times, I grabbed it as fast as I could and I never let it go. I felt so grateful. Any hell would be better than the one I had just left, so I decided to trust him. And it was the best decision I could have made, because he didn't just take me away. He stayed with me. I thought he would just drop me at the police or the hospital or something, but he never left my side. He never left me alone."

For some reason, talking about him with Logan didn't feel uncomfortable. Perhaps because Logan was a different kind of savior.

"And I was depressed and unstable, I don't know how he dealt and beared with me. But he did. He helped me in every way: physically, emotionally, mentally, giving me hope when no one else, when nothing else, did. I was terrified of myself, of the things I could now do. I had been away from normal life for so long I had a hard time fitting in society. It's like I didn't know how to be a human anymore. I struggled with the simplest of things. He helped me adjusting to life again and understand what I had become. He showed me I still had humanity in me and updated me on the things that had happened in the world. I couldn't believe when he said I had been in those labs for two years. I was sixteen when I met him. A teenager in the hands of her savior. Quite honestly, it was obvious my broken heart was going to fall for his whole one."

My heart was thundering in my chest and ears and I no longer cared about keeping it under control. I could see his face so clearly. His kind eyes and calming words. The love he had for the world I hated.

"He fixed me, or at least the parts he could reach. He knew I hated myself, I hated the things inside of me and what my powers were made for, I hated the purpose I had been given. I thought all there was left within me and for me was death, in any way it could exist. But he taught me that even though I had suffered a lot to gain my powers, they didn't have to be a bad thing and I could use them to do good. He convinced me I wasn't a monster. Even though the Black Cat was created in the lab, he was the one who helped raising her. Who made her less of a villain. He was the one who prevented her from being the killing machine she was supposed to be. The Black Cat became something less scary for me. Something I could live with. Perhaps something I could love one day, like... like he did. God, if he loved me. So much more than I deserved. He loved me like he was stealing love from everybody else just to give it to me."

I closed my eyes, memories replaying in my mind. My time with him was still a movie I had a hard time reviewing.

"Of course he helped with the girl behind the mask as well. Someone I thought was lost forever... he brought me back. He reached me with nothing but kindness. He took care of me when he didn't have to; he had no responsibility towards me nor any connection to me whatsoever, yet he never ceased to help me. Even when I drove him mad. Especially when I drove him mad. He never ran away from my demons and he incited me to fight them. He helped me dealing with all my negative feelings and terrifying memories. He was there when I had a nightmare."

I shut up abruptly, realizing how similar this moment was. I didn't want Logan to think I had any hidden intentions because I truly didn't.

"He seemed like a real man." He said simply, and I nodded with a small smile.

"He was a teenager but more of a man than many adults. With a lot of patience and willpower, he showed me how I could use what I hated to my advantage. How I could turn a curse into a blessing. How it didn't have to define me. So I worked on my abilities, improving them at my pace and at my will. He never imposed anything. He just wanted me to be happy. He didn't want to use me as a mean to any end. The other ones were the doctors and the scientists, but that guy right there, he was the one trying to heal me. He never gave up on me. He never restrained me. The only thing he injected me with was life."

And love. So much love. So much it hurt keeping it all to myself.

"With slow progress, I started getting better. I mastered my abilities, and my mind was recovering. He showed me a different side of life; he had such a positive outlook on the world, sometimes I mocked it because I envied it. I didn't know how one could be so untouched. Most of all, I didn't understand why someone so untouched could want to be with someone so damaged. He turned the Black Cat into someone admirable and respectable, and I started hating my powers less. I actually began helping people and fighting crimes here and there. I liked being useful, and a part of me adored being powerful and in control. Despite loathing how I got my powers, I loved not having to feel powerless again and finally being able to defend myself. I became fierce and feisty and sassy and I never allowed anyone else to treat me wrong or see me as their inferior. I was done with that. My weak days were over. I rose from the ashes like a phoenix that was tired of dying."

"That sounds like the Felicia I know." Logan gave me a sideways smile. Throughout my story he had never looked at me with pity and I knew right there pitying wasn't something Logan did. For him, victims didn't exist. There was only people who were more than the sums of their anguish. People didn't have to fight wars to be warriors. They just had to survive them.

"I spent about two years with him in an emotional rollercoaster. He made me feel things... things I never thought I'd feel again, and things I'd never felt before. He taught me I could love the world again, and that the world could love me too. Some time ago you asked me to find my light. I had a light once, Logan. Fuck, I had a sun. He gave me a purpose to live and to fight for. I fell in love with him, fast and furious. It was inevitable. When a savior comes and drags you away from hell, everything he says or does resembles heaven."

I looked inside my heart, trying to get a piece of him again. I wondered if the feelings remained. I didn't know. I had sent him into hibernation and he wouldn't wake up; perhaps because my heart was an ever-lasting winter and few could crack up the ice.

"What happened then?" Logan asked, clearing his throat so his voice would come out more limpid. I felt my heart contract with a different kind of pain.

"He broke my heart." I said simply. "By choosing somebody else."

Logan couldn't help but raise his eyebrows.

"Even in that we're similar." He muttered under his breath and I nodded.

"For a while, he did love me. He loved me so much I thought that was what made the Earth spin around the sun. But then... things happened. They got out of control and none of us knew how to put them back together. We were both so inexperienced." I looked over at Logan and my cheeks heated up at the double meaning. "I'm not talking about... you know."

"I wouldn't blame you if you were."

I couldn't help but chuckle a little. It was remarkable how Logan made me smile even throughout sadness.

"No, I'm talking... physical destruction happened around us. All kinds of inexplicable, strange events. From accidents to crimes to natural disasters. Something was haunting our city and we didn't know how to protect it. How to deal with it. We had no idea what was happening, and it affected us personally, because we both felt committed to the city, it was our duty to defend it. It created conflict between us. I had my suspicions during that time, but now... I'm really starting to think all that destruction might have been caused by me."

Logan ran a hand through his messy brown hair, and my fingers winced slightly, aching with curiosity.

"Even if it was your power, it wasn't your fault, Felicia. You didn't know how to control it and you didn't have to know. Dammit, it was inflicted upon you. You never chose it and it was never your intention to have it or use it. You can't blame yourself for everything bad that has happened to you or those around you. You can't keep all that guilt within you. One day you might end crumbling underneath its weight."

"You're right... but it's hard letting go."

"I'm not telling you to let go. Pain, anger and regret, all those things are part of you and I told you they'll hardly go away. What I want you to do is turn them into your weapons. Listen to them only in a fight. There's no greater drive in a battle than the demons we want to slash."

"But weapons can turn against us." I replied stubbornly.

"Not if we use them correctly." Logan assured me. "And especially if we never hand them to our enemies. Your emotions are yours to control and use. I know it's not easy, it requires practice. But we'll work through it."

"I wish I could have thought like that at that time." I muttered. "My suspicions that I could have had something to do with the destruction happening around us drove me mad. I became insufferable and paranoid... he tried to help me but I refused because I didn't want him to get hurt. I told you, Logan. I'm a grenade and at that time I exploded over and over again. So he and I... we started arguing all the time, we didn't always see eye to eye. He always wanted to help everyone and sometimes I just wanted him to help me. Selfish, I know. But it annoyed me how he was so willing to jump into danger to save others, it was so natural to him. He didn't even have to try."

I went back to those moments, when I watched him risking his life for others. It terrified me; if I lost him I'd lose everything.

"We had different visions and methods; I kept telling him he couldn't save everyone and that he should think more about himself; he replied by saying he could try and that he'd think about him when everyone else was safe. God, it pissed me off so much, his bravery and altruism. But it inspired me too. I didn't understand how he didn't mind sacrificing himself for others; for me it was a struggle having to fight against my own instincts of survival and self-preservation. We were too different, I guess. He wasn't like..."

I paused abruptly. Oh dear Lord, careful what you say. Logan tilted his head to the side, and it was like he was tilting my heart towards him.

"We couldn't understand each other completely, and if in the past that hadn't been a problem, it was starting to become one. In the end he decided to stay with a girl that didn't taint his sane mind. That didn't defy his heroism with her tendency to be a villain. A girl he just had to love, not heal. He chose who he thought was best for him, and as much as it tears me apart having to admit it... perhaps he made the right choice. I couldn't give him all the happy things he deserved. I wasn't right enough for him, and perhaps he was too right for me."

Logan rested his head against the wall, his eyes closing. I wondered what he was thinking about. I wondered if he would start seeing me differently after learning about my background. But I had a feeling to him I would always just be Felicia. And I wondered who that was.

"I can relate. I can relate a lot." Logan opened his eyes. "So you left?"

"Yes. I couldn't stand seeing him with someone else. A part of me didn't want to lose him as a friend but the other hated him and never wanted to see him again. I knew it wasn't his intention but he hurt me so much. He made me feel like I was not good enough. I was insecure and lost; I couldn't stay beside him knowing he loved somebody else, I couldn't put myself through that pain. I had to go away."

"Smart decision." Logan said, and his tone was bitter and worn out. I thought about him and Jean. And Scott. How he had to go through it every day. I wanted to ask him why he hadn't left, but I thought I knew the answer. The X-Men and the kids were too important. He also tortured and sacrificed his heart on behalf of others. His soul deserved more recognition.

"I had nothing left keeping me there, no one to hold me back, so I left and went to college when I was eighteen. I needed to focus on something else, take my mind off my past, and art was the only thing that helped me. Channeling all that pain into the paper made it more bearable. I took as many classes as I could and graduated in two years. Then when I was twenty I returned to New York... it was my city after all and big enough to not have to encounter him ever again. If he knew I was in town, he never tried to reach me. And neither did I. I bought an apartment far away from him and tried starting over, but... well, I fell onto my old habits as you know. I missed my parents, I missed him, I missed stealing. If I couldn't get any of those people back, at least I could still steal. So the Black Cat was born again, this time more as a villain than a hero. Stealing was fun and easy and it was like connecting to the person I was before. In a time when I had no one, it gave me a new purpose. I know it wasn't the best scenario, but... it was the one I could play in."

Now that I had poured my heart out I felt calmer and lighter. Talking with Logan was a therapy I didn't have to pay for; a painkiller without any prescription; a pill with no side effects.

"I was afraid of encountering him again, but more than that I was terrified they would come back and take me once more. Yet they didn't, and I started convincing myself they never would. Maybe they lost interest in me. God, I wish they are all dead. When I dreamed about them tonight, and then heard steps after me... I immediately thought you were them. An irrational fear, I know, since I'm safe here."

"You are. While you're in this school I won't let anyone come close to you. No one will hurt you outside of your mind. And only you can fight them inside it."

"I know. I'm sorry again."

"Don't be. I'm glad you talked to me about this. It was incredibly brave of you, sharing your story with me. I know how hard it is. Thank you for... trusting me enough."

"Well, you earned that trust by bearing with me through my toughest moments. You always pop up magically when I need you. It's like you're my Kim Possible."

Logan let out a low chuckle.

"Most of the times I have no idea what you're talking about."

I rested my against the wall and looked at him with a smile. I was relieved sharing my demons with him didn't change our dynamic.

"Thank you for listening to me. It meant a lot."

He nodded, but kept quiet, and we both stood there in silence for some time, lethargy finally getting the best of us. I closed my eyes, my mind heavy and sleepy, my breathing peaceful. At some point my head fell to rest on his shoulder, and none of us moved.

"Logan..." I mumbled, almost in the realm of oblivion. I could faintly hear his heart rate, steady and calm, and feel my face touching his muscular shoulder. "I think... I think I'm falling..."

I fell asleep.

"I will show you the way back home
Never leave you all alone
I will stay until the morning comes

I'll show you how to live again
And heal the brokenness within
Let me love you when you come undone

When day break seems so far away
Reach for my hand
When hope and peace begin to fade

Still I will stand right here"

A/N: So what did you think of Felicia's past? I tried to balance the drama so I hope the chapter is not too heavy. Don't worry, lighter chapters will come!

Song is "Right Here" by Ashes Remain. Gosh, I love this band and their songs. This one suits this chapter so well!

Image is Logan's aesthetic made by veingeances.