C H A P T E R   10 :   D R I N K   M E   A W A Y

After an eventful first week at Xavier's School, I finally decided to take a look at Art's class. There were few students in the room when I walked in, and the teacher greeted me with a kind smile.

"You must be Felicia, right? Welcome."

I sat on one of the chairs, placing my notebook in front of me. It was a brand new one because there was no way I would bring my older ones to class: those pages were filled with my dreams and nightmares coming alive. Drawing had been a therapy for me in most of my worst days, but they were also a reminder of my pain. Being able to come here without hyperventilating was a sign of something getting better inside of me.

"Today I want you to draw something that tears you apart." The teacher announced, her enigmatic eyes looking at each one of us.

Oh, fuck.

"What do you mean?" One of the students questioned, voicing everyone's doubts.

"Make something that puts you into conflict with yourself. Something you simultaneously love and hate, that both gives you joy and pain. Something that you can't get tired of no matter how much you try. Something that makes you question everything and then gives you all the certainties."

"Hum... like God?" A student suggested.

"Or sex." Another one added, causing laughter even in the teacher.

"Whatever it is. I'm sure it will be a different thing for everyone, and each one of you will express it in your own way. I just want you to be able to capture the emotion in the paper. I need to see your dilemma. You can use any material you like, charcoal, oil, watercolors... just make sure you inject as much feeling as you can into your drawing."

Seemed like I had chosen the perfect day to come. While I saw other students struggling to decide on what to do, I didn't even have to think about it. My fingers just grabbed a charcoal stick automatically, itching from the passion of art I had missed so terribly. I was conflicted all the time. The difficult part was to choose just one thing.

***

When I looked at my finished drawing, I couldn't trust my eyes. I didn't believe it. It was far from what I initially intended to do, but I guess that was one of the astonishments of drawing: we never knew where it would lead us. What it would reveal about us each time.

I had drawn a pair of claws holding a heart. Which was a variation from my older drawings... when I would draw my claws slashing hearts and ripping them apart. But these claws right here... they weren't mine. They were dangerously similar to Wolverine's. And why were they not shredding the stupid heart? Why were they holding it like it was mankind's most precious treasure?

I didn't understand. It was as if my art knew me better than myself.

"Felicia." The teacher's voice called. "Would you like to share your drawing with us?"

"I..." I would never be able to explain it to them if I couldn't even explain it to myself. And the idea of showing it in public terrified me. So I closed my notebook and shook my head. "I'd rather not. It came out too personal. It wasn't my intention but..."

The teacher nodded.

"No, it's okay. Drawing can affect us like that, I admit I challenged you all with this idea. But if you ever feel ready to show it..."

I swallowed.

"Is one ever ready to let their soul go? To offer it to the world?"

The teacher smiled.

"I think the question is more whether or not the world feels ready to receive it."

***

During combat training, I couldn't get the stupid drawing off of my mind, so the only solution I could find was pushing myself harder than ever. I had to shut the voices in my head with physical exhaustion, push myself to a point where I would be so tired I could no longer form coherent thoughts, not that my thoughts were usually that coherent.

I worked my ass off and everybody witnessed it. By the end of the group lesson I had people congratulating me, envying my skills or asking me for private sessions.

"Because fighting can help us train some moves, if you know what I mean." One said. "It makes us fit for other things."

"Boy," I said, smiling. I was exhausted and yet energized. "You wouldn't last a day with me as a teacher. In my honest opinion, Logan is too soft with your sensitive baby asses."

"It's professor Logan, Felicia." I heard him say behind me. I swallowed. After my drawing, I wasn't too thrilled about the idea of being enclosed in a small room with him. And yet I couldn't wait. The contradiction was killing me, but at least I knew I had drawn what the art teacher had asked.

"Are you planning to appear for our lesson or do you prefer to waste your time flirting?" His voice was robotic and emotionless, pissing me off. He had gone back to his old, professional self, and I was angry at myself for thinking that what had happened after Philip would change something between us. It shouldn't have to change anything. I shouldn't want it to change anything.

But those claws holding a heart so carefully, going against their primary function of destroying and killing... what did it mean? What did I want it to mean?

"I'm coming, professor Logan." I snickered. "No need to get jealous."

Logan just ignored me and started walking away. I knew he wouldn't wait for me, but I let myself stay behind to annoy him a little bit more. I couldn't help myself. It was irresistible pushing Logan's buttons. Especially since I did it so well.

"I don't know how you can talk to him like that." The boy I was talking to confessed. "With his bad temper and all his warnings and death stares... aren't you afraid he'll snap or something?"

I shrugged, winking at him.

"Logan is a wolf with a heart of a teddy bear. Barking dogs seldom bite, right? Someone needs to provoke him. Someone has to stand up to him. He just needs some competition, otherwise this wouldn't be any fun, don't you think?"

The guy laughed.

"No doubt classes became way less boring with you around. The thought of confronting Logan never crossed anybody's mind. But I'm glad it crossed yours, I swear it's so funny watching you two bicker like there's no one else there. You get lost in a world of your own... I wonder if you two really workout during those private lessons or if you, you know, burn calories and exercise your bodies in some other way..." The guy wiggled his eyebrows but stopped once I gave him my death stare intensified by my black eyeliner. "Don't punch me, I'm kidding! But you have to admit the chemistry between you two is enough to set the world on fire."  

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"At the beginning no one does, right?" Bobby intervened with a smirk.

"You too?" I sighed.

"We three." Dyani said with a huge grin. "I ship you guys so hard. You have to be end game."

I rolled my eyes.

"You're delusional." I didn't know how else to fight back. They had trapped me between the devil and the deep blue sea.

"And you're in denial." Dyani mocked. "Honestly, the only two people that can't see the obvious attraction betwen you and Logan are, well... you and Logan."

I laughed. Sometimes my friends were so hilarious.

"You clearly need glasses then, since Logan and I have super sight and--"

"FELICIA!" His thunderous voice interrupted me. Far from us, he turned around and crossed his arms over his chest, but his ferocious gaze was still enough to make me dizzy. Logan was more inebriating than a freaking cocktail at 3 a.m. Like tequila, vodka and martini all together. I felt the ridiculous urge to sing 'Drink Me Away' by Justin Timberlake. "I'm not waiting any longer."

"Always so impatient for my presence, uh?" I shouted back, not caring about the eyes on us.

I thought he would just grumble and ignore me, but instead he smirked.

"More like always impatient to get it over with."

I just stared at him. Logan had this annoying effect of always leaving me speechless.

"And you still say there's no sexual tension." Bobby said but I barely heard him, still fixed on Logan, who was turning around. My eyes inevitably slipped down his back, stopping on his toned ass. Damn. When I looked at my friends again, they were shaking their heads with annoying smiles.

"Just go get your man, Felicia." Dyani concluded.

***

"Why are you staring at me like that?" I questioned Logan over the bottle of water I was drinking. We had just finished our private training and I had to keep myself hydrated. Excessive thirst was a problem for me lately, it was as if I was trying to get drunk on water. Some droplets fell down my chin to my shirt, and still Logan's eyes hadn't moved from mine one bit. I wondered if he simply didn't care or if he was trying hard not to look.

"I'm thinking about your training today. You were very focused and worked hard. That's good. What bothers me, though... you love showing off."

My arms instantly crossed over my chest. All of me was defensive.

"It's not my fault that I naturally stand out from the rest."

"True. But I know the difference between doing your best and showing you're doing your best."

I placed the bottle of water harshly onto the table.

"So what? I do what you ask and I do it well, don't I? What's the problem?"

"The problem is I don't like you showing off."

"Well, there's a lot of things I don't like either and I have to endure them."

Logan sighed, a hand running through his beard.

"I'm just trying to figure you out."

"There's nothing to figure out."

"On the contrary, I think there's too much. You hide a lot. And you act as if your actions have no reasons behind them, but that's not true. So I'm just trying to understand... why don't you just do your job? Why isn't that enough, why the need for recognition? All that crave for attention... I don't know, it's usually a sign of an inferiority complex."

Him saying that was like a bucket of ice water dropped suddenly on me. It left me on fire.

"Now who's judging me without knowing me, uh?" I snapped.

"Well, it's not like you give me the chance to."

"What for? It's not like you want to."

Logan pressed his lips firmly against each other.

"I might be wrong, Felicia, but it seems to me you are desperate to prove a point. And I just want you to know there's no need. No one here will reject you or push you away. And if someone does... well, they're not acting for everybody."

"That's not why I show off." I argued through gritted teeth and clenched fists.

"Then why is it? Is it because you enjoy having guys pratically drooling over you?"

I snorted. "Does it bother you that much?"

"Yes. If it interferes with your abilities, then yes. If you're more worried on looking nice than fighting well, it is a problem."

I narrowed my eyes.

"You know damn well that if I need I can be lethal and will not let anything distract me from my goals. Since you're being so picky about it, the only reason I show off is because I am the best, and because I have never been the best in anything else in my life. Because I never felt like I was good enough and with this I know I am more than enough. There you have it. Happy?"

Logan's brown eyes widened a bit at my words. At least admitting the truth to him, to myself, had served for something. Now he was taken aback and seemed uncomfortable. Good. He deserved it for the silly accusations.

"No." He responded.

"Well, now you know, so please let it go. Just let me enjoy my golden days while they last."

Logan nodded slowly, eyeing me cautiously. 

"Okay. I apologize, I didn't have the right and--"

"You're right, you didn't. Next time you think something about me, I advise you to think twice before telling me. Chances are you'll most likely be wrong." I was pissed off and had no intention to hide it. Logan had earned the right to clash against my fury.

"Ok, it won't happen again. Thank you for sharing this with me. I just... I don't know."

"When people don't know, they ask Google. They don't go on attacking with no reasons."

"Jeez, Felicia, you're implacable, aren't you?"

I shrugged. In some part of me I had to admit I was enjoying a little making him suffer. Then I remembered something.

"I saw you the other night. The night of the lake party."

"Yes, you saw me in the living room." Logan was confused. "And you weren't very nice there either."

"I know, but that's not what I'm talking about. I saw you in New York after I left. Entering a hotel. What were you doing there?"

I was waiting for him to tell me I should mind my own business but instead Logan scowled at me.

"Stop playing with my mind, Felicia."

"What? I swear, as much as the idea pleases me, I'm not making fun of you. I saw you. It was you, I'm sure."

Logan shook his head vehemently.

"No, that can't be. I didn't leave the mansion that night. I didn't go anywhere."

"Well, if it wasn't you it was your freaking twin. God save us if there are two Logans in this world."

"I swear, Felicia, if you're kidding me..."

"What?" I questioned with a smirk. "What will you do, fight me? That's what we do all the time."

He kept silent, so I sighed.

"I'm not lying, Logan. I know what I saw."

Somehow the seriousness in my voice made him finally believe me.

"Felicia... some mutants can shift their appearance to accurately replicate someone else's. And... I'm pretty sure who this one was."

Before I could ask who was on his mind, Logan stormed out of the room, the only thing my ears could catch was something along the lines of physique.

A/N: Picture is a slideshow of some more characters.

QUESTION: Favorite X-Men character? Mine are Wolverine, Storm and Deadpool.

So... what rhymes with physique? ;)