This is the longest chapter I've updated under this book so far, and hopefully it will help you find patience for the next one 😂

•••

As strong as a lion, as smooth as a fox..." chanted Khaled as they crawled through the dusty vents of Trump's mansion.

"Wait, is that from Mulan?" Asked Simon from behind him. "That's not even correct! Is it?" He added to Pansy, who shrugged in response.

"I'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU!!!" Khaled sang in a sudden crescendo, sound waves shaking the vent.

"Shut up, you bloody sod! You're going to make them catch us!" Simon stage whispered, pinching the Dj's left butt cheek harshly.

"Ow! You never appreciate me!"

"I'd appreciate you jumping into an active volcano."

Khaled growled ferociously, his hairs standing on end as he belted out, "LIONNNN!" A fart left his rectum, and instantaneously the grumpy Tv personnel (or whatever) collapsed with a thud.

Simon had borne the brunt of the malicious attack, what with his face being barely ten inches away from Khaled's butt and all while Pansy was left to inhale leftovers. The boy struggled to maintain consciousness as black dots danced in his vision and his life flashed before his eyes. His voice was slurred when he spoke, "Where's Kylie?" Upon the realization of the lack of a female head within close proximity of his bottom. Damnit!

"Made her distract the guards; might as well put that plastic surgery of hers to good use, am I right? Hehehee."

"Right..." Pansy said disdainfully, dreaming about a fantasy that should have been, if not for Khaled and his meddling mouth!

They continued to clamber through the tight space, pushing Simon's limp body roughly. With a sudden halt, his head slammed across the metal with a clang.

"Mummy, five more minutes..." Moaned Simon as he snuggled himself closer and sucked on his thumb.

Khaled slapped him disgustedly and looked through the slits of the vent, annoyed. "So we are looking for a vibrator, which is likely to be in a room; a bedroom; Trump's bedroom. How we supposed to even know where that hag's bedroom is?! It's not like we've been in Trump's house before! We ain't even got a map or something!"

Pansy suddenly froze, his chin whipping up and his eyes glazing over. They refused to blink, even when Khaled had waved his blubbery hand before his face and snapped his sausage-esque fingers.

"What up with you, kid?" He asked, suddenly scared. "Shit! Are you seeing something that I ain't seeing???"

Pansy kept his glassy-eyed silence, that is until he suddenly said, "I do."

"What? We ain't getting married! Oh gosh, it wasn't supposed to turn out this way; I mean I'm awesome and all and I understand where you coming from, but I don't-"

He was cut off by a sharp hook to his jaw.

"Shut up, fat man! I have the map!"

Khaled shook his head to recover from his daze. He tried to cut cheese in revenge for Pansy's felony but decided not to, since the kid was now practically the only way out and was needed to be conscious unlike useless Simon.

I will poop in his pudding later, Khaled thought to himself as he queried from Pansy, "Okay, but you gotta pass me the paper yourself. I know we cool and all," until I poop in your corn flakes, mofo ;) "but I ain't sticking my hand in your back pocket."

"Don't vex me, fat man! I am no rookie that stores the facts of their beloved..." He paused melodramatically as he sucked in a tear, "ex-beloved written on a flimsy piece of paper. I have stalked this man since the day I was birthed, and even before! In fact let me let you in on a secret: I was supposed to be a twin, but I stabbed my sister repeatedly in the womb after she revealed to me that she was a Syrian Muslim! That was how much I loved Trump! I even shot all my Mexican classmates in kindergarten! I have the map... Up here..." He creepily pointed to his head, proud of himself for some twisted reason.

Smh Trumpers are so batshit.

Khaled, trying to hide the terrified quiver in his tone said, "Okay, then lead the way, kid." How about I poop in his Nutella?

Pansy clambered over Simon, accidentally on purposely stepping on his face for all his jabs at Pansy's clear masculinity. "We have to be careful," he warned, taking a turn. "The mansion has visitors frequently, and by visitors I mean minions. These vents are actually haunted."

"HAUNTED?! WHY AIN'T YOU TELL ME THAT SHIT BEFORE I GOT IN HERE!" He garbled. "HOLY MARY!"

"Shut the fûck up or you're going to get us caught!"

"WELL I'M SORRY FOR CARING ABOUT MY LIFE."

Pansy rolled his eyes. "It's Azealia Banks' ghost; totally harmless. Actually quite pitiful."

"Oh, Azealia Stanks?"

"Yes Azealia Stanks. Her hobby is losing Tweet Battles to children."

Khaled choked back an emotional tear. "Skai is officially my inspiration."

"Shhh! Did you hear that?"

"What?"

They both fell into quietude as they listened intently to a muffled voice.

"Oh, Mrs. Piggy!" The voice said shrilly.

"The fûck? Is that Trump?"

They scored closer to the vent slits so that they could get a proper view. "OMG."

Trump was decked out in princess attire, with a frilly pink dress and the makeup to match.

There stood a small table in the center of the room that was laden with biscuits and a teapot. Stuffed animals circled it, but it was clear that Mrs. Piggy was Trump's favourite.

"Mrs. Piggy don't rush your tea! It'll give you gas! Tsk tsk." Trump lowered his head. "I have a secret I gotta tell you, Mrs Piggy. I'm in love..." He stared hard at the inanimate swine, trying to judge her trustworthiness before unveiling this so called secret. I mean, it was understandable to assume she'd be jealous of him, what with Kermit breaking up with her and all.

Trump let out a tuckered sigh, skipping to another end of the room. He pulled out a large vibrant pink book. "Dear, Diary," he started, writing with his devilish chicken scratch with a purple glittery gel pen, "I've been thinking of someone lately... Rather, people, and I just don't know.... Hilary was last month's flavour. She hurt me, she hurt me so bad, leaving me for that geezer Bill. Diary you need to see him; he looks like he's got the suds disease from SpongeBob."

"She better stop playing her games; I know she's just trying to make me jealous ugh this is so annoying ughhh. That old bat can't compare to my superhuman beauty! Like have you seen me, diary?!"

The diary whispered, "Unfortunately," before Trump continued his rant.

"Then there was Bernie. I think he thinks that what we had was a one night stand but to me, Diary, it was much much more. He isn't even replying to my messages anymore and doesn't call me on my cell phone anymore... not ever since I left the damn city. He didn't even let me share his burger!"

"Given, I did drug him before he complied to our night of passion, but no one cares about details, Diary! Besides, Bernie and Hilary can go to hell! I have a new flavour... And a very delicious one at that." He bit his lip in a way that may have supposed to be seductive, but ending up looking like a retarded horse.

"My love is..." His voice trailed, as he glanced longingly at something on the other side of the room that the people in the vent couldn't see. "I'll be coming back Mrs Piggy; I need another candle for my shrine."

They watched Trump hike up his gown before opening up the door and leaving.

"Okay game plan commences!" Pansy yelled faintly the moment the door clicked shut.

"But how we gonna get down from here?"

As if replying his question, the vents suddenly began to shake, before giving way to Khaled's huge stomach. They fell, but good ol' Simon broke their fall.

"I think you were too fat for the vent," said Pansy, rubbing his sore hip. "How did you even fit in?"

"TELL THAT TO YOUR FAT HIPS, YOU FATFACE!"

"DON'T INSULT MY HIPS, THEY DON'T LIE!"

They stared at Simon's crumpled form on the floor. "Good thing Simon was able to break out fall."

"Yeah. Good thing he had our 'BACK'!"

"Huehuehuehue."

Suddenly remembering the mission at hand, they moved around the room, searching. Pansy pulled open Trump's wardrobe. "WOAH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

Khaled inched closer to see. There was a photoshopped poster of Trump with Hilary, and then another one, his head cropped above the body of a weight lifter.

Khaled scoffed. "You wish." He then drew a moustache over the picture.

"Just get the damn vibrator."

"Won't the pig see us?" Pansy glanced frightfully towards Mrs Piggy's motionless form.

"The pig's not alive dammit!!!"

Pansy shivered, pulling it out and holding it away at safe distance to prevent the contraction of any diseases. That'd be ew, ya know?

He closed the cupboard, gasping when he sighted what was in the room's corner.

"What the..." Khaled's voice trailed as he and Pansy both stared at the shrine. The Harry Styles shrine packed with a thousand pictures of Harry.

"I ain't even gonna ask; let's get out of here!"

As they turned to leave, a shrill voice suddenly shook the place. "OH, MRS PIGGY! I BROUGHT THE CANDLE! NOW THEY CAN BE FOUR TO RESEMBLE HIS FOUR NIPPLES! CLEVER MMMM?"

"Oh crap," breathed Khaled. "CRAP CRAP CRAP."

His chants were cut off by the rattling of a doorknob, before the door itself was flung open.