"We . . . heal ourselves by giving others what we most need."

~Sherry Turkle

By the time we dragged ourselves back out to the parking lot, we were both exhausted.

Ty had been carrying a majority of the bags, since he'd forced me to hand them over, but  didn't look or seem nearly as drained as I was. He kept his head down as we trudged through the light drizzle that would surely turn into a storm later tonight.

"Are we taking these to the kids today?" He questioned, glancing toward the clock above the radio once we were in the car. It was only a little after three, but we couldn't possibly wrap all the presents and go down to the Hearts for Hearts across town before dark.

"No." I shook my head and watched as he started to car and stared at the steering wheel for a moment, "I actually had something else planned for today." I looked away and back down at my lap for a second after the words left my mouth, afraid to say exactly what it was that I had planned.

"And what's that?" He questioned, "Is it something on the list?"

"I want to take you to see Tessie." I said, the name slipping off my tongue hesitantly.

"What?" His head whipped in my direction, his chapped lips parted.

"Your mom said you couldn't see her unless you had a psychiatrist or me with you, so I thought we could go see her. I'll even stay in the car if you want me to." I answered quickly, afraid he was going to flip out. Instead he stared ahead of us, at the small raindrops as they fell and rolled down the windshield.

"I'm the one driving, so you aren't actually taking me to see her." Is all he said, sounding almost as if he were trying to joke.

"I'll force you out of the driver's seat and drive us there myself if I have to." I replied. He stayed quiet for a minute, listening to the faint hum of the radio, before he looked behind us and turned the windshield wipers on.

"Okay." He mumbled, "Let's go."

**

We sat in the car in front of the small suburban house for a while before I finally forced Ty to get out. The neighborhood was a large array of houses designed exactly the same. Two story, small little windows, with a large garage and a fairly small front yard to the left of it. 

"Come on." I urged him, "Let's go." He stared after me as I climbed out before joining me. I waited for him, pulling my hoodie over my head so my hair wouldn't get drenched as we walked up the driveway. He didn't make any attempt to even try to put his hoodie up, he let the rain fall from his hair on to his forehead and down his cheeks in silence.

I knocked on the door lightly, shifting on my feet to keep from getting a wind chill.

"One second!" A woman's voice shouted from the other side of the door. It seemed like hours before the woman finally appeared in the doorway, frowning at the sight of us on her porch in the rain.

I couldn't help but feel my eyes widen at the resemblance between Ty and his mother. They had the same piercing, striking blue eyes. The same high cheek bones and long lashes that fanned them. It was her graying blonde hair and bright red lips that differed from the man in front of her.

"Tyler?" She said, her eyes narrowed as she stepped out on to the porch. There was a genuine look of sadness in her eyes as she stared at her son. Regret soon slipped its way into them as she shook her head slowly. 

"Mom." He replied, his lip curling back a little.

The woman fixed the wool scarf around her neck and glanced behind her, her eyebrows drawing together, but wouldn't meet Ty's eyes. 

"Tess isn't-"

"Daddy!" A quiet, high pitched voice cut the older woman off as a little girl appeared on the front porch.

Tessie only reached a little above my knee, her brown hair tied into a beautiful French braid down her back, big blue eyes glistening with excitement. 

I felt my stomach flop at the sight of her. She looked nothing like Steph physically but everything about her reminded me of my  little sister. The brightness and intelligence beyond her years in her eyes, the excited bounce in her step. 

"Tessie!" Ty perked up, falling to his knees and pulling his daughter into a hug. The little dark haired girl dropped her doll and buried her face against his shoulder, hugging him back. 

"You came back!" She exclaimed, "You did!" She ignored Ty's mom's arm trying to pull her back and giggled at whatever Ty was whispering in her ear.

"And you are?" His mother finally turned her attention to me, giving up on trying to pull her granddaughter away from her son.

"I'm Alyssa." I outstretched my hand, offering the woman a smile. She shook my hand, frowning.

"You're freezing dear. Come inside." She moved out of the doorway and let the three of us in, Ty lingering back for a second with the bag in his hand as Tessie ran in after me.

"I'm Tessie!" She threw her hand out and grinned up at me, revealing one of her front teeth was missing, "Are you my Mommy?" I felt my words dry in my throat as I glanced toward Ty and his mom in the doorway. He was looking away, but his mother was rubbing her forehead.

"Theresa, sweetheart. This isn't your mommy, she's only a friend of Daddy's." Tessie's excitement dissipated a little as she cocked her head to the side and stared up at me in curiosity.

"Do you know my Mommy?" She didn't seem all the phased when I shook my head no, but had already moved on to thinking about something else. That was one thing I'd always envied about children, they had the shortest attention span imaginable. 

"Tessie, I've got a surprise for you." He said, gesturing toward the box in his hand. She darted back over to him, gasping.

"Is it a teddy bear?" She looked up at him, eyes huge. 

"Open it and see." As I watched the little girl pull the stuffed unicorn out of the box, I could feel my lips stretching into a real smile for the first time since Steph had died.

She threw her arms around Ty's legs, saying something I didn't catch as he knelt down and kissed her forehead. I could see it, even from across the room, the way his eyes glistened as he stared down at his daughter. 

"I get to go home with you now, right, Daddy?" She asked, sitting on the blanket in the middle of the room with her dressed up stuffed animal. I saw Ty's body tense at the question, eyes everywhere but her.

"Not quite yet, sweetie." His mom answered before he could, "Tyler, can I speak to you in my room, please?" Ty sighed, brushing by me with a small smile as he followed his mom down the hall.

I made my way over to the little girl in the middle of the room, plopping down on the blanket beside her.

"That's a cute toy you've got there." I commented. She grinned, holding it tightly against her chest and giving me a toothy grin.

"I know. Daddy bought it for me." She replied proudly.

"Daddy's great, huh? He knew just which one to get you." I touched the rainbow poka dots on the unicorn with a laugh.

"Yeah. But Daddy's never here." She said, frowning now, "Gramma says he's trying to find us a house. But when he comes to visit, he's dirty and Gramma and Grampa don't want him to come in or hug me." I turned away from the little girl, swallowing and blinking the tears from my eyes so she couldn't see them.

"How old are you, Tessie?" I changed the subject before the subject could head down an even more depressing path.

"I'm four." She held up her fingers, giggling. I returned her smile and squeezed her hand.

"Well, I want to tell you something. But you got to promise to never, ever, tell anyone else about it, all right?" She nodded, turning her entire body to face me.

"I promise." She held out her pinky. "When I was in the hospital Daddy would make pinky promises too."

"Okay." I clapped quickly, "Daddy isn't here a lot because he's working for someone. Do you know who?" She shook her head.

"Do you know who God is, Tessie?" She giggled again, pointing at the cross on the wall behind me.

"Yes. Gramma takes me to church on Sundays." She responded. I nodded, taking her small hand in mine and staring at it.

"Well, Daddy is working for God right now. What happens is sometimes God chooses people he wants to use to test out an experiment. In this experiment, he wants to see who's strong and can make it through it, and who isn't quite so strong."

"But Daddy's strong!" Tessie piped up. I nodded in agreement.

"He is, and that's why pretty soon God is going to let Daddy buy you a big house and you'll get to see him every day. But first, Daddy has got to help finish up the experiment he's helping God with. Do you understand?" She stared at me quietly for a few seconds before nodding.

"But why did God choose Daddy?"

"Because God knew that Daddy was strong enough to handle it." She smiled, this time not so big.

"Okay. And Daddy's going to come and we live happy in a big house soon, right?" I found myself nodding even though the guilt in my chest was starting to spill into my stomach and make it churn.

"Yes, sweetie." She set her unicorn down beside her and climbed on to my lap, laying her head on my chest as she shook her head.

"My Mommy didn't want me. She left me in back seat of Daddy's car. That's what Gramma says." She explained, taking my finger and squeezing it.

I felt my teeth snap together as I looked down at the girl in my arms. Who would tell a four year old that? No matter how horrible a mother is, there's no way you should tell your granddaughter that her mother didn't want her.

"But you're going to be my Mommy now, right?" The question caught me so off guard that I had to pause and think about it for a minute.

I brushed my hand against her cheek, slowly lifting my head to find Ty and his mom both watching me in the hallway. They both looked as eager to hear my response as the four year old did.

"I'm not your Mommy, Tessie. I won't ever be your Mommy." I brushed her dark hair out of her eyes, "But I'll do my best to be here whenever you need me, to take care of you. Because it looks like Daddy might need a little help doing that." I saw Ty crack a smile at the response, but his mother stayed stone faced as she watched us. It was Tessie's response that surprised us all.

"Daddy doesn't need help, but I want you to help anyway. Because sometimes people that say they don't want candy, and they really do want it."

***AN***

Hope you guys enjoyed! 

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~ChasingMadness24