19

cordiform

(heart-shaped)

7th August, 2019

[t/w : this chapter contains mention of suicide. please proceed accordingly.]

THE subtle beige walls of Ye Bin's floor were an absolute contrast to what it appeared to be, comical anecdotes printed on Ju Ho's outfit. He had barged into her house unannounced, during an odd hour of the late evening and had handed her a ceramic mug of cake.

Ye Bin had taken the liberty to observe the abstract patterns on his clothes and had come to the conclusion that it was a part of his character to dress up like that once in a while.

"Look at you, were you cooking?" Ju Ho eyed her from head to toe as he stepped into the living room.

"Do I look like it?" she laughed, pointing at the stains of paint on the white fabric of her apron. 

"The more I see and know about painting, the more I feel that it's quite similar to what I do. Like you give shapes on a canvas and I give shapes on moulds and trays. We satisfy two of the five senses of our customers "

"Not a bad point." she pursed her lips, thinking about his view in a positive light.

"Is that your on-going work?" his spine straightened as soon as he spotted a canvas resting on a stand at the corner of the room.

Ye Bin nodded as she led him to its direction. She had been sitting on the stool even a few minutes ago until Han Ju Ho decided to hijack her home just to deliver his mug cakes. She was glad that he did, actually. It was nice to have a chat with him from time to time. An artist always deserved a fair share of compliments.

"Wow." he gasped as his eyes traced the fresh hues of green on the canvas. He always made sure to let her know how much he loved her work and rave about how much they drew him in.

"Eat your cake while its warm enough." he jogged her memory, his eyes still wandering on the artwork infront of him.

She nodded before diving the spoon in her hand, inside the mug to bring out a large chunk of cake. Its divine smell had already pervaded the air surrounding her. She couldn't refrain from gasping at how a ravine of liquid chocolate set free inside the cup after a part of the spongy upper layer had been pulled out.

The taste didn't disappoint either. A squeal of delight rolled off her tongue as she thrusted the spoon inside her mouth, earning a hearty laughter from Ju Ho.

"I love this. Thank you for saving me some. I really appreciate it."

"I had to bake these at the last moment because I had run out of my regular stock of goods. Everything sold out today, surprisingly. That's a first in my entire career. I put away this one especially for you." he explained.

"Didn't you expect this? I mean, you had a pretty big crowd yesterday. Obviously you would receive a good response  throughout this month, atleast." she reminded him.

"I couldn't digest it. I still can't. I am not used to seeing my bakery brimming with customers.

"You should get used to it then."

"It's like living inside a dream. To be honest, I had never really expected to see this day when I first started. My main aim was earning enough to sustain myself. Somehow, my ambitions grew and I found myself wanting to be something I would be proud of. Recently, I was beginning to doubt myself and had almost concluded that this line is not meant for me."

"That's bullshit. Let me tell you something since it's a special occasion. Do you remember when I had newly moved in and you had showed up with croissants at my doorstep?"

Ju Ho briefly nodded, the memory of it trickling inside his brain instantly.

"I was clearly not very happy with how you kept showing up but couldn't deny the packet you had offered. I left it unsupervised on the armchair." Ye Bin pointed at the one she just mentioned, which was kept at the corner of the room.

"Did you throw it away?" Ju Ho's pulse skyrocketed as his mind instantly brought up possible events which could have followed that.

"Of course, not." she denied. "I don't like wasting food. I did not know what to do with it momentarily. I couldn't trust a random person like that, you know. Korea is full of phony people. I almost got scammed while coming here."

"I understand where you're coming from. People often target the foreigners. It must be different in the States. People are way too busy to care about their neighbours and the others on the street."

Ju Ho noticed how Ye Bin's body stiffened at the mention of the country. He wondered if she was not comfortable with it. She had dodged that particular topic the last time too. It was definitely odd to see her face turn a shade paler and coil herself.

"It's not like that." she tried to spell out her denial."I love being here now. I was totally new back then. My paternal side is from Korea but most of them had moved to the States a long time back. It's a good thing that my father had cared to make me aware of my roots and the language."

"Explains why you're pretty good at it."

"It's just when I'm conversing, it's not much evident that I have comparatively less knowledge." she dismissed his opinion. "Do you know what I did with your croissants?"

Ju Ho had no choice but to nod sideways. He had no clue.

"I ate it." she smiled shyly. "At the end of the day, I realised that I had limited supply of food. Also, I was broke. Your packaging had attracted my eyes already and I decided to try them. I am glad that I did. Even though it had been lying around just like that and were eaten without proper re-heating, they tasted so good."

"I'm glad that they didn't end up in a garbage can. You see, I love whatever I make. Each had been touched by my hands and have taken a significant amount of time. A piece of me, if I put it exactly how I think of them."

"I detest wastage of food. I was just hesitant to accept them back then. To be honest, I was emotionally worn out at that exact hour. I had this rising rage about myself, my life and circumstances. All I could see was red. Then I bit onto those croissants. I took the liberty to examine their textures and they were definitely works of art. Probably those made me come back to earth. I realised that people weren't exactly that bad and it was really a token of kindness. Thanks to that, I didn't sleep with an empty stomach that day."

"I don't know how to take this compliment honestly. I have heard a lot of detailed remarks about my products but this is kind of new. I am glad that my croissants were able to touch your heart."

"They definitely did. I never really had the opportunity to let you know. It's good that I decided to befriend you. I am really fond of whatever you make. The food you made me everyday tasted heavenly as well. You're gifted, for sure."

"Are you saying that you are only fond of my food? What about the maker?" he was back to being a tease. 

"I mean, I am." she avoided meeting his eyes, fidgeting with the hem of her apron. Ju Ho's eyes were drawn to her hand and his heart slipped a beat when he noticed a gold band resting on her ring finger.

"Are you married?" he couldn't help the bitterness that poured out from his tone as he asked the question.

Ye Bin's heart dropped into an abyss of despair as she realised where he was looking at. She had never bothered to take off her wedding ring from her finger. It had stayed with her like a constant reminder of what she was supposed to do and the mistakes she had made previously.

"I was supposedly engaged." Ye Bin forced out a deep breath from her system. Coming clean to him was probably the best thing to do.

"You were?" he stressed on the last word to indicate that her answer was not sufficient.

"I know what you're thinking." Ye Bin pressed her thumbs on her temples to ease the lines that had formed on it. "It was just an arrangement to benefit my fiancé. He was not planning to get married to me actually and was trying to achieve greater heights in his career."

"Now what even is that -"

"I know that it sounds really ridiculous but it's true." she cut him off mid-sentence. "We got engaged because he had been experiencing family pressure about getting married and I was the perfect fawn. I was infatuated with him and he knew that if he played the game properly, I wouldn't deny. He was right."

Silence consumed the room. Ye Bin felt as if her heart was being turned. It had been burdened by a big stone of guilt till that day and she was mildly surprised at how the words were flowing from her tongue as if they had been forcefully restricted for a long time.

"So, are you still engaged? You have the ring sitting tightly on your finger but you are using past tense."

"He's dead."

Ye Bin watched his lips part to say something but he shut it again, trying to process whatever she was saying. The normal functioning of his brain seemed to have been impeded by sudden shocking revelations.

"He committed suicide at his family residence when we were there to announce our marriage. He had this loud verbal fight with his parents and the next thing I knew was discovering his body at midnight."

"I'm sorry." he managed to say, feeling remorseful about bringing up the topic. He had let his emotions twiddle with his rationality.

"What might the reason be? If I go by your viewpoint, I don't see why he would do that. He seemed to have been pretty happy with the rest of his life."

"Is everything we see, the ultimate reality?" Ye Bin offered him a tight smile. "Do we really know how others are living their lives? He had his reasons to do so. When I learnt about it, I was blinded my anger and blamed him entirely. However, when it subsided I could understand his reason."

"Do you still love him?"

"No." she shook her head firmly. "His family was under the impression that we had actually married without their knowledge. Another from his basket of lies. So, when he died suddenly they shifted the entire blame on me."

"Why would you be responsible for this? Listen, it was not your fault. You just got involved because he pulled you in."

"I never said that I'm responsible. Circumstances were. All I can say right now that the family was the worst enemy he had. They never really bothered to let him take charge of his own life. However, I should have bothered to ask him about his life even though I still doubt whether he would have had told me anything."

"Yoo Ye Bin, you need to move on." he advocated his view. "Why should you destroy your chances to be happy?

"I decided to move from there so that I could go back to being me. I wasted my time on an issue like this just because I was blinded by infatuation. Why should I second guess myself when I was not even aware of what was going on? He never shared what he had been going through. I was completely oblivious. If he had bothered to inform me, I would have told him that there might be other options than opting for suicide."

"So, you decided to leave the States and come to Korea to cultivate a possible future?"

"You're right. I'm glad that I took the risk. I can't imagine what I would have done if I had bothered to stay back. I might be a villain for some but I couldn't help it. I had to save my own skin, afterall. I still do have guilt building up somewhere in my heart but all I can do for now is pray for me. He was not in the position to love me and I shouldn't feel upset about it."

"Was there another woman in the picture?"

"A man."

Ju Ho blinked in confusion at first but then he realised what she was talking about.

"It was not his fault. He couldn't manage to gather approval from his orthodox family."

"I hope that he rests in peace." he murmured. "I understand him now."

"I do the same." she mirrored his expression. "I couldn't read through the lines, probably. Maybe, I shouldn't have agreed to his proposal in the first place. I didn't bother to use my brain and think why he was suddenly asking me to marry him."

"Stop blaming yourself for everything, Ye Bin. We're humans and mishaps happen. You were not aware and probably too young to understand."

"I hope that I get to forgive myself oneday. Maybe oneday, I will be able to find the courage to face his family and make them understand. I was just in love. He too, was just in love. The tragedy could have been dodged if they had just been sensible."

"Can I pull that ring out of your finger? I'm not saying that you should completely forget what happened but this might just torment you." Ju Ho stared at her with a firm determination in his eyes.

Ye Bin approved silently, her head bobbing in the process. Ju Ho took two steps to reach her hand and pulled the ring out of her finger. He could see the stamp of the metal's weight on that exact place and rubbed his fingers lightly to ease blood circulation. Her stomach was twisting itself yet again, incited by the proximity.

His touch was soothing to her skin and when his fingers drifted away, she was tempted to ask him to hold her with both of his hands. The look in his eyes was so soft and enticing at the same time that Ye Bin felt as if he was harbouring the same feelings too. As they stood close to each other, an insatiable desire to mould her lips onto his ran freely in her bloodstream. However, she couldn't take a step back and break the eye contact this time.

"Don't look at me that way." she murmured.

"Why? Do you feel intimidated?" he asked without lowering his gaze.

"Don't make me think that you might like me." she shook her head. "Your eyes and words give me the wrong ideas everytime."

"What if I do? What if I want to kiss you now?" Ju Ho whispered in her ears.

For the first time ever, she was sure that he was not playing around. The usual lop-sided grin on his face was missing.

Ye Bin held his shoulders and pulled him closer. Their bodies brushed against each other and his breath was warm against her neck. His shirt had probably been blotched by some of the stains of her apron but she couldn't manage to think about it. As she firmly gripped the back of his lissome neck, she halted for a second to catch the look of anticipation on his face before reaching for his set of rosy lips. 

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