Chapter 31

Desperation

Puyat ako kinabukasan. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Naging masama ang panahon dahil sa malakas na ulan na sinamahan pa ng kulog at kidlat. Alec stayed inside my room as he tried to watch over me.

Nakaramdam ako ng kahihiyan sa sarili nang maalala ko ang ginawa kagabi. I remembered screaming at him when he tried to reach for me. I stayed on the floor, sumiksik ako sa sulok na bahagi ng kuwarto. I was covering my ears when thunder repeatedly roared.

My memories of the past would resurface. I remembered fragments of it repeatedly. I was trapped in a dark room. It shook me to the core. Hindi ko alam ang nangyari. Ang alam ko lang, takot na takot ako.

A nurse went in. May bitbit siyang kumot. She walked towards me. Hindi ako natakot sa kanya. She covered me with the white blanket. I was grateful for it dahil nabawasan nito ang lamig na nararamdaman ko.

Nag-usap sila ni Alec. I did not follow their conversation. They were talking in hushed voices. Matapos ang pag-uusap nila ay tinatanaw ako ni Alec na may purong awa ang mga mata.

It seemed like they came into an understanding. Nilapitan ako ng nurse at inabutan ng kumot. Inabutan niya rin ako ng unan. I accepted it and put it on the floor. The nurse finally left us in the room. Tahimik na naupo si Alec sa sahig. He was in a far corner opposite to me.

Nahiga ako na nakatalukbong ng kumot. I ignored Alec despite the fact that I could still feel his gaze on me.

When sunrise came, Alec was gone. I wanted to ask the nurse who came in that morning, pero wala pa ring lumalabas na boses sa bibig ko.

"May darating ka pa lang mga bisita mamaya," she told me. "Gusto mo bang tumanggap ng bisita o gusto mong magpahinga na lang?"

Where's Alec? I wanted to ask her.

Pinulot ng nurse ang kumot at unan ko mula sa sahig.

"Galing Cebu pa raw ang mga bisita mo," pagpapatuloy niya. She looked at me and she pouted. "Sayang naman kung pauuwiin mo lang?"

I nodded because I felt like that was the kind of response she wanted from me.

Ngumiti siya at nagsimula na siya sa pagtutupi ng kumot ko.

I ate my breakfast. Nakaabang naman ang nurse para sa mga gamot ko.

I was staring by the window when my visitors arrived. Isang matipuno at morenong lalaki na may kasamang batang babae ang bisita ko. They introduced themselves to me. The girl ran towards me. May iniabot siya sa akin na isang seashell. Tinanggap ko ito dahilan para gawaran niya ako ng malapad na ngiti.

She suddenly hugged me on the leg. It made me become stiff as a board.

"Willow..." agap ng lalaki sa bata.

The little girl pouted. Hindi siya nagmatigas at bumitaw din sa akin. Umatras siya at nilapitan na ang ama niya.

Nahalata ko sa lalaki na marami siyang gustong sabihin sa'kin pero nagpipigil lang. I noticed it because of how his neck repeatedly tense up. It was like he was already informed about my condition.

He told me that I used to lived with them in an island. He said we were friends. I believed him. Lalo na noong nabanggit niya na mahilig daw ako sa sunset. Napangiti ako noong sinabi niya iyon sa akin.

Kinahapunan, babae naman ang dumating na may pamilyar na awra. She looked kind as she stared at me.

"Hi," panimula niya sa paos na boses. Gumala ang banayad na tingin niya sa mukha ko. Pity was etched in her eyes.

Umusog ako sa kama. I was making room for her so she could sit. Dahan-dahan siyang naupo sa bandang dulo na hindi pa rin tinatanggal ang tingin sa akin.

"I'm sorry, Jia... if it took me so long to see you," she continued in a broken voice. "I was in a very dark place for a long time as well."

She was crying. Something tugged at my heart.

She raised her hand as if she wanted to touch the folded hands on my lap. I flinched reason why she stopped herself.

"Si Lee..." She closed her eyes painfully. "Mabubulok siya sa kulungan sa ginawa niya sa'yo..."

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa may bintana. The birds were chirping from the outside. The wind was whistling.

The woman named Shen stayed for a while. May mga sinabi pa siya na hindi na rumehestro pa sa'kin. I was out of it again. Kalaunan ay umalis din siya.

Gabi na nang bumisita si Alec. I heard from the nurses that he had become busy. I heard that it was about my case. Despite his busy schedule he still had the time to visit me.

Sa isip ko hindi na naman siya kailangan na bumisita pa. But every day, I would anticipate his visits. I would wait for him. And he would never let me down.

"... in New Zealand. There's this towering cliffs and cascading waterfalls," pagkukuwento niya sa panibago na namang destinasyon na gusto niyang puntahan namin. "It's peaceful there. Magugustuhan mo."

I nodded without interest. I continued playing with my fingers. He started peeling the orange for me.

"We can tour the entire Europe," dagdag niya pa. "I can leave work for a month."

I did not look up just to watch him. He sighed.

"Ipinaalam nila sa'kin na binisita ka raw ng mga... naging kaibigan mo sa Malapascua."

I nodded and smiled remembering about the shell.

"Masaya ka ba na nakita sila ulit?"

I nodded eagerly. It earned me a chuckle from Alec.

"I won't be able to come here tomorrow," dugtong niya na kumuha ng atensiyon ko. I finally looked at him.

He caught my eyes. There's a glint in there. Na para bang uhaw na uhaw siya maski kaonting atensiyon ko lang.

"There's a new lead." He licked his lips gauging my reaction. "I want to be there when they finally... catch him."

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng panlalamig sa katawan. He noticed it right away. He slowly touched my shoulders and he gently pulled me towards him. Napasandal ako sa malapad na dibdib niya. I found comfort as he rested his chin at the top of my head.

"I will end this once and for all." His hug on me tightened.

I raised my palm and brushed it on his strong arm. Ramdam ko ang paninigas ng katawan niya. Hindi niya inasahan ang ginawa ko.

I looked up to watch him. His eyes had turned soft as he stared at me. We gazed at each other's eyes for a very long time. No words were spoken. Hindi na naman kailangan pa iyon.

"Kapag natapos ang lahat ng 'to, iuuwi na kita sa bahay natin," pangangako niya. "Hindi ko na kaya na malayo pa sa'yo ng mahabang oras. Hindi ako mapapanatag."

Mas isiniksik ko ang sarili sa kanya. He kissed me on the forehead.

Feng visited me the day when Alec couldn't. Hindi ako naiirita sa pagiging madaldal niya. It was like I already got used to it. It didn't even bother me anymore.

Lahat ng mga bagay na binabanggit niya ay pinakikinggan ko. She ranted about her restaurant which she told me na madalas ko raw pinupuntahan dati. Nagkuwento rin siya tungkol sa bagong naka-date niya. Tingin niya hindi sila magka-vibes. Her exact words.

Nagpaalam siya sa akin saglit dahil pinapakuha raw ng papa niya ang bilin nitong lomi para sa akin. I smiled at her and bid my goodbye. I was anticipating for her return.

I waited patiently for her. I was humming a familiar song while painting twin mountains on my new canvas and new set of paintbrushes.

I started painting dark clouds above them remembering that one time I went out with Alec for the sunset. I smiled as I thought about him.

The door suddenly opened. I looked up to see a new unfamiliar nurse walking towards me. Napansin ko na hindi ko na nakikita ang dating nurse ko. Iyong nurse na nagsabing wala ako sa tamang pag-iisip.

The new nurse was not alone. There's a man in a gray hoodie who's standing beside her.

"May bisita ka po, ma'am," anunsiyo ng nurse. Sinulyapan niya ulit ang lalaki sa tabi niya. Her eyebrows met in a confused way and she shook her head.

Nagpaalam siya at iniwan na kaming dalawa ng lalaki. She closed the door behind her.

My hand on the brush suddenly shook. I could not explain it but something about the man was eerily familiar to me.

His dark eyes did a quick scan on the room. When it landed back to me, I stared at him.

There were dark circles under his eyes. He's obviously tall but not as tall as Alec. May balbas siya. Natatabunan man ng hoodie ang buhok niya, napansin ko naman na mas mahaba ito kumpara sa tipikal na gupit ng isang lalaki.

He took some hesitant steps towards me. Nabitawan ko ang brush na hawak. It landed on the floor. The dark paint splattered.

He squatted a bit. He wanted to see my entire face.

Kabado niyang ipinalandas ang dila sa maputla niyang labi.

"I had to see you..." panimula niya.

My breathing quickened. I tried so hard to calm my nerves. 

"Hindi ko sinadya ang lahat ng nangyari sa'yo," mabilis na pagkakasabi niya. "Things just got out of hand when I left you to him."

He leaned forward. The air almost left my lungs. I could smell a hint of liquor mixed with desperation around him.

"Ang utos ko lang sa kan'ya ay ang takutin ka. I told him to provide me a video that I wanted to send to Alec Von," sunud-sunod na sinabi niya, "After he took my money, I could not contact him anymore. Hindi ko na nalaman kung sa'ng impiyerno ka niya dinala."

I hugged myself as my tears started to pour. I choked a sob.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I never wanted you to end up this way. I didn't know what I was thinking. Pinagsisihan ko lahat 'yon, Jia. You're my fucking sister!"

I closed my eyes as more tears escaped.

"I... will never... forgive you," sagot ko. Hindi ako dumilat. Natakot ako na harapin ang mismong bangungot ko.

I felt him shook. Hindi na siya ulit nagsalita pa. He's just crying. Sa pagdilat ko ay tumambad naman sa akin ang unti-unting pagluhod niya.

Imbes na makita ang pagsisisi sa mga mata niya, tanging takot at desperasyon lang ang nakita ko.

"Papatayin ako ni Alec Von 'pag nahuli ako ng mga pulis..." he desperately pleaded. "You can talk to him... Susuko na 'ko kasi pagod na pagod na ako kakatago kaya kausapin mo siya."

The tiny flicker of hope I had of him vanished. My brother, whom I've known all my life, who's pride is unconquered, is begging for me to spare his life.

"J-Jia... maawa ka sa'kin." His rough palm landed on my knee. I jerked away from him and screamed in anger. Ramdam ko na ang pader sa likod ko dahil sa sobrang pag-usog ko makalayo lang sa kaniya.

Marahas na bumukas ang pinto. It revealed uniformed men. Sa gitna nila ay si Alec. He looked murderous as he gazed at my brother's direction.

Mabilis silang pumasok. They quickly intimadated my brother who was cowering in the farthest corner. Sa malalaking hakbang ay nilapitan ni Alec ang kapatid ko. A quick punch from Alec landed on my brother's right cheek.

Napasandal sa pader ang kapatid ko. Marahas siyang kinuwelyuhan ni Alec. Mabilis naman siyang pinigil ng mga pulis na nakalalibot sa kanila.

Nilapitan ako ni Alec. He was trying his best to catch my eyes. He then scanned my body as if he was trying to check if I got hurt.

I sobbed as my body slowly rocked. I hugged my knees together seeking comfort from it.

"Did he hurt you?"  he murmurred huskily. I felt his strong arms around me. "You're safe now."

There's this buzzing sound in my ears. Sa likod nito ay dinig ko rin ang sigaw ng kapatid ko habang pinupusasan siya ng mga pulis.

Kung hindi ako niyakap ni Alec, hindi na magpipirmi ang katawan ko. Pumikit ako nang mariin. I wanted the noise to stop. I wanted everything to stop but it didn't. I could still hear my brother's scream. It was awful.

I hissed in pain and anger. My body jerked. Pilit na humigpit ang yakap ni Alec sa akin. But not even his tight hug could calm the storm in me. I kicked him. My nails dug on his skin as I tried to scratch his arms forcing him to let go of me. It was so easy for me because he did not even try to fight me back. He indulged me.

Everything was in chaos. Pumasok sa kuwarto ang mga nurses at doktor. Despite Alec's protest, they held me in place. Dalawang nurses ang humawak sa magkabilang braso ko. They tried to pin me to the bed. My legs kicked uncontrallably when the doctor tried to go near me.

And then I felt something sharp and cold on the side of my neck. Everything stilled. My body spasmed. I got exhausted and sleep had found me.

I woke up in a different bed. The white room looked very familiar. Nasa loob lang ako ng clinic ng institution. I did a quick scan of the room. Nakita ko si Alec sa gilid. He had his arms crossed while talking with Feng.

He probably felt my gaze. Napatingin siya sa banda ko at kaagad na umalerto. He crossed the distance between us.

"Tawagin ko si Doc," it was Feng who said it. Mabilis siyang lumabas ng kuwarto at naiwan kaming dalawa ni Alec.

I tried to sit up on the bed. Inayos naman ni Alec ang unan para maisandal ko rito ang likod.

"How are you feeling?" he asked huskily.

Kumunot ang noo ko. Ang huling alaala ko ay si Kuya Lee na pinupusasan ng mga pulis.

"The doctor had to give you some shots," paliwanag ni Alec. "They tried to calm you down."

Nasapo ko ang ulo. Ramdam ko ang bigat nito.

Bumukas ulit ang pinto at pumasok si Feng kasama na ang doktor at isang nurse. Sa sumunod na ilang minuto ay inabala na nila ang mga sarili sa pagsusuri ng vitals ko.

Nag-usap nang masinsinan ang doktor at si Alec. Nanatili naman si Feng sa gilid ng hospital bed ko. Marahan at paulit-ulit niyang hinahaplos ang likod ko.

I closed my eyes and pretended to doze off. Humina ang mga boses nila. They probably didn't want to disturb me thinking that I fell asleep again.

Nagkunwari akong tulog sa loob ng ilang minuto. I heard the doctor saying goodbye. Alec and Feng stayed inside the room.

Feng left my side. Hula ko ay tumayo siya at nilapitan na si Alec.

"I was almost too late," si Alec sa paos na boses. "I thought... I thought I'd lose her again."

"She's safe now, Alec," pag-alu ni Feng. "Nahuli na sila. Mapagbabayaran na nila ang ginawa nila kay Jia. Tapos na ang lahat."

"Is it? Tapos na ba talaga ang lahat?"

Hindi ko narinig na tumugon si Feng.

Huminga nang malalim si Alec. "Natatakot ako na baka pati para sa sarili niya, hindi na siya bumalik pa."

"Nawawalan ka na ba ng pag-asa para sa kaibigan ko, Alec?" I heard the panic and worry in Feng's voice. "Sa tingin mo ba hindi na siya babalik sa'yo?"

"Ni hindi ko na iniisip pa na bumalik siya sa'kin.  I don't want to be selfish, Feng. All I want is for her to heal for herself." I could hear the resignation in his voice. "I want to hear her laugh again. I want her to sleep in her bed and not on that fucking cold floor. When she screamed earlier... I felt her pain and it broke me. She's suffering and I can't even do something about it."

I swallowed as silent tears escaped my eyes.

"Paano kung habang buhay na siyang gan'yan? Susukuan mo ba siya?"

"No..." Alec's voice sounded so weak.

"She needs you, Alec," paalala ni Feng matapos ang ilang saglit na pagiging tahimik.

"I know that. Hindi ko lang maiwasan ang matakot..."

"Matakot saan?"

"Pa'no kung dumating ang panahon na maging makasarili na 'ko at kailanganin siya?"he painfully asked.

Dumilat na ako. Hindi ako nag-alala na malaman nilang nakikinig pala ako sa usapan nila. Nang tiningnan ko sila ay napagtanto ko na hindi naman pala dapat ako mangamba.

They were not looking my way. They had their backs on me. Feng was hugging Alec in a comforting way. She was giving him something which I could not provide my husband. A hug filled with both support and understanding.

Iniwas ko ang tingin dahil sa naramdamang kirot. Hindi ito isang klase ng kirot na dulot ng selos. Kirot ito ng panghihinayang dahil sa isang simpleng bagay na hindi ko man lang maibigay sa isang lalaking lubusang nagsakripisyo sa'kin.

My eyes landed on the doorway. Nakita ko ang paghinto ng nurse habang gulantang na nakatingin sa disposisyon ng asawa ko at ng matalik kong kaibigan.

Guilty na napatingin ang nurse sa gawi ko. Nagtama ang mga mata namin. Umawang ang labi niya. Kalmante ko lang siyang tiningnan. I put a finger on my lips to shush her.

She backed away and silently retreated. Nakuha niya ang kagustuhan kong huwag istorbohin ang dalawa.

Unti-unti akong pumikit. I endured one final pain. Probably the most painful one. The pain of realising that Alec and I had lost our chance. The pain of accepting it and letting go.

Ayaw kong maging makasarili. Ayaw kong ikulong siya sa mga pagsisisi niya. Kung patuloy akong kakapit sa kan'ya, mauubos at mauubos lang siya.

Alec is the most selfless man I know. Tama ang nurse sa sinabi nito na deserve ni Alec ang isang normal na babae. He's handsome, rich, and very kind. He thinks he loves me, and I don't want to discredit his love for me, but more than that, I think he also pities and feels guilty towards me.

Hindi iyon ang gusto kong maramdaman niya. He also deserves to be selfish. He deserves not to fear. He deserves to need me.

Bukas itatama ko ang lahat. Ipapaintindi ko sa kan'ya na hindi na talaga kami puwede pa. Tomorrow, I will free the both of us from this misery.