AUBURN'S POV

[strings of broken and glitching thoughts]

trigger warning: attempted suicide

the churning within me

shatters over and over again like

bones against a cliff of glass stained with

shards of blood from my torn

vessels and tissues and arteries of my

heart, now in a state of ruin and agonizing numbness

flashed with strands of pain the color of

torture

i count the days as they roll by like
the distant valleys in esme's eyes
washed with

ocean green flecks of light and
turquoise diamond light shaped
like pinwheels, sparkling and
turning like ferris wheels at
night in the park when esme
held his hand at the top of it
when he was young, and scared
of falling into the moonburnt
concrete far below. ocean
green ocean green like esme's
ocean green eyes filled with
aquamarine waves splashing
against his skin as his ankles
dug into the pale sand when
he was young, when esme
held his hand as they watched
the ocean green ocean green
ocean.

ocean green like the ocean
oceanㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ‎‎‎ green
like
the ㅤㅤ ocean
ocean green
like ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ the
o ㅤcㅤ eㅤ a ㅤn
ocean green like the ocean

day 1

my cheek is cold against the floor

my heart screams and fades into a dull ache

its a siren wailing as it carries my corpse

my heart's corpse

to a hospital that my pain lit up in flames

and burnt away

like the anger

day 2

pain

day 3

when i wake my cheek is still pressed against the floor

the floor stained with something wet

stained with my tears

strands of my hair are soaked

out the window, it 

rains.

🌙

and as the rain falls,
        so do i

the rain's sorrow
sounds like laughter  
to my ears filled
with the ghosts of
you,       esme

esme
  
          esme

es          me

     es me,

ESME, YOU PROMISED
THAT WE'LL ALWAYS
  BE TOGETHER, YOU
         PROMISED,

remember? don't you
remember? can you?
even in
      your grave?

remember?
when you held
both my hands
with both of
   y o u r s?
we were under
that goddamn
bed, hiding
together when
you told me,
"with these
hands grasped
together, we
can change the
world or we 
could run
 a w  a    y
together,  "

you promised
with empty
eyes and 
a heart 
filled with
cold. cold.
cold like my
heart when
you're

gone.

🌙

my eyes burn with tears.

i finally stand after 3 days of lying on the ground. i walk to my closet. when i open it i grab the neatly coiled rope with trembling hands trembling like earthquakes

the agony shatters against cliffs of my hatred along with my broken body and soul, crashing against the dark and jagged rocks and shattering into a thousand then a million then a trillion pieces

i swear, if i wasn't about to kill me the anger would have, the anger within me

anger at the world

like dragons being unbound from seals of criticism and self doubt and the coldness in my parent's eyes, in my father's when he threw bottles at me and when he choked me against the wall and kicked me until i woke up when he suffocated me until i passed out. the coldness in my mother's eyes when she watched with no remorse. the coldness in esme's heart i never knew of

esme

esme with her pale cheeks and her eyes closed, eyes that would never see the world again. eyes that would never see the hell of this planet again.

esme

please sleep well. im sorry i couldn't walk over more to put roses on your grave. the white roses stained with the blood from my wrists are too stained with shame to deserve to rest with you.

please sleep well, esme

i tie the rope with fingers trembling like weeds in a strong wind. i move a chair under where i tied the rope

i step on the chair.

i tie the rope around my neck.

and the anger and agony boils over again, hurting SO HARD THAT I START TO SCREAM LIKE SOMEONE WHO'D LOST THEIR HUMANITY BUT STILL WANTED IT BACK. THE ANGER AND THE AGONY BOILS OVER AGAIN, HURTING SO HARD THAT I-

i step off the chair

all i knew after that was pain.

just pain.

and anger that shatters against cliffs of my hatred along with my broken body and soul, crashing against the dark and jagged rocks and shattering into a thousand then a million then a trillion pieces

and agony suffocating every cell in my body until everything exploded

just darkness crashing down

and finally

i heard,

a snapping sound