I'm growing uncomfortably large. I waddle. I struggle to sleep. Heartburn is a bitch. All the while I thank god for my little secret angel.

I'm not sure how I got to this point. But, suddenly I'm excited. A baby to love. Someone to nurture. The circumstances are a bit dark but, nonetheless I got a gift from my life, finally.

I'm nearing my 41st week. Technically I'm overdue. But, the doctor says she will come when she's ready. I trust him.

At my last check up they said I was dilating. My cervix was starting to soften. It shouldn't be long now.

I thought about telling someone. But, I'm too selfish. I don't want to explain what happened. I don't want to share my angel. Instead I have been preparing, a very little, for my sweet baby's homecoming. I didn't buy much and I have lied at work.

I concocted a story that I was a surrogate. I know it was wrong but I just can't face the truth at this moment. Eventually, I will come clean. Today is not that day.

I left work for the day, having a feeling of restlessness. Five o'clock came too late. My body was aching. I felt pressure everywhere. I felt really nauseated.

I fell asleep and woke at five am. Pain cinched my back and I was panting. I decided on a warm bath. I decided on a few more warm baths. It made the pain much easier.

I called the doctor around seven pm. My stomach was hurting and I thought I may have appendicitis from the pain. He told me I was in labor. I was a little shocked.

I got to the hospital twenty minutes later, driving myself was difficult. My hands clenched the steering wheel as contractions dragged thru my abdomen and back.

Once at the emergency room they took me straight to labor and delivery. I was hooked up to fetal doplars, heart monitors, iv's, a catheter was placed to relieve my bladder. I was in so much pain they could have shot me and I would have welcomed the relief.

I was already dilated to a seven so there was nothing to do but wait. They asked if I would call anyone but, I declined. The contractions were horrible. I puked more than I would like to admit.

I was excited to welcome my daughter into this world. I tried to focus on that thru the pain. Nothing is a good distraction when you feel like a walrus and you feel like your body is being ripped from the inside out.

Slowly I dilated to a ten. A gruesome 4 hours had passed and the pain had reached unbearable levels. I was holding the hand of a male nurse and begging him to stay. He smelt divine. I probably shouldn't have noticed in my current situation. But, rationality was far from my friend at that point.

He stayed with me the whole time. He held my hand, rubbing circles on my wrist as he cooed words of encouragement. I was thankful for my stranger angel. He was really providing comfort in those moments.

I offered him to leave to attend to other patients, although I secretly hoped he would decline. Much to my pleasure he promised to see me thru my birthing process. He continued to talk me thru the gut wrenching contractions. He fed me ice chips and patted my head with a cool wet cloth. I would find a way to thank him later.

I was embarrassed at my lack of control during the contractions. At one point I bit his hand. He laughed and didn't even flinch. I managed to dislodge the side rail from the bed during another. The nurse now stood as my encourager and protector. Lord knows I didn't want to fall on the floor.

The time came to push and my savior angel guided me along. I pushed for a couple hours. Finally, the head was crowning. I saw the look on the doctors face as he was helping me along. He explained he needed to cut me, in my intimate area. I agreed. What could it hurt?

The final push was coming. I bared down. My handsome angel whispering sweet words in my ear. This man deserves a brownie button by the way. A couple times he has been hit by me. Yet, there he stood in all his yummy glory. I hope that's still the pregnancy hormones, come to think of it.

I pushed until my face was filled with broken blood vessels. I screamed once. I tried to conserve my energy. And then, I got told to go the final distance. One last push until I met my precious daughter. I fought thru the tearing sensations that ripped thru my body. I pushed so hard I lifted from the bed. And then I felt relief.

Suddenly, nothing felt painful. A slow burning sizzle is all that remained from the bulge that I had recently evicted. I felt extremely woozy and closed my eyes to let the doctor stitch me up and clean me. I was moved to the postpartum room to await my bundle of joy.

I waited for hours. My angel savior escorted me and left when his shift ended. I missed him already. Strange to miss a stranger.

My door creaked open and I listened for the baby that should be brought in any minute. I noticed my doctor and a nurse come in. They checked me and explained I could go home tomorrow. I waited for them to bring my baby.

Finally, I asked.

"Where's my daughter?"

Silence

"Ms. Winters there were complications during the delivery." My doctor reported.

"Is she okay? Is she in NICU? When can I see her?" I asked.

"The nurse will bring her by for you to spend time with her in just a minute." He replied.

Oh thank god. I was getting frantic.

"Aubrey, she didn't make it. The cord was tightly wound around her neck. I'm so sorry for your loss." He cried.

My heart stopped momentarily as I processed his words. There's been a mistake. She kicked the whole time. I felt her moving. I heard her heartbeat at every appointment. I saw her in the ultrasound.

I felt like the hands of death were tightly wrapped around my throat. I was choking. My head was pounding. I sat there in silence.

As promised, my daughter was brought in by a nurse. She was bundled up. She placed my 10 pound angel in my arms. Tears filled my eyes as I held my sleeping baby. I prayed to god to just wake her up.

In a moment of frenzy I blew breath in her mouth just like the CPR classes taught me. I cried as I tried to transfer life into her still form.

After realizing my baby was born forever sleeping, I cried harder than I ever cried before. I peppered kisses along her cooling skin. I smelt her faint traces of baby scent. I touched her hair with shaking fingers. I rocked her and sang my favorite lullaby.

The nurses gave me hours with my sleeping angel. I fell asleep curled around her, protecting her from the cool hospital air. I awoke when a nurse came in followed by the familiar angel of death, the chaplain. He was not my favorite person.

I said my goodbyes as they pried my deteriorating child from my arms. I kissed her one last time before I would never see her again. I sat their in obstinate silence praying this was a nightmare.

The nurses handed me a birth certificate and a death certificate. They gave me a card that held her tiny hand and footprints. A tiny bear was placed in my hands to comfort me. Fucking joke is what that is. There is no comfort.

They offered me sleeping meds but I refused. I wanted to grieve. I wanted to feel the heart break that prevented me from observing the sounds of happy mommies that filled the halls. I wanted to kiss death on it's vulturous lips.

I was left alone to grieve my sleeping angel.

I weeped into the teddy bear. I cried for hours. The torment that wracked thru my body was a never ending pain. The nurses had mercy on my sorrow and administered pain and sleep meds. I succumbed to the darkness.

When I woke. I was discharged. I drove myself home. I walked up to my porch and stared at the congratulations balloons and cards that must have been sent from my job. I ignored them as tears filled my aching eyes.

Once inside, I looked at all the baby items, tho not many, that hauntingly reminded me of my loss. I did the only thing I new to do. I walked out of the house, towards the woods in a dazed trance.

Once I found my spot I snapped.

I stood in the middle of the forest and I screamed. I cursed the fucking gods for the cruel joke they played, nine months in the making. I punched trees and broke my knuckles. I welcomed the physical pain to mask the emotional turmoil rising inside.

I fell to my knees as I weeped for my mom. I weeped for my grandma. I weeped for my sleeping angel. I screamed broken sobs for the painful past I willingly endured in hopes of something good to come. I unraveled atop the decaying leaves of winter. My body shook with vengeance from the emotional havoc ripping thru my soul.

I bled tears of torment as I slowly begged for death to take me. I could no longer play a pawn in this disgusting game of chess I called my life.  I prayed for mercy as I wished for permanent sleep. Apparently, those fucking vengeful gods finally chose to deal my final blow. Death welcomed me into a pit of black despair. Darkness flooded over me like a cold, welcomed, blanket. I closed my eyes and hoped to never open them again.