***Aubrey's POV***

***Violence, sexual assault, trigger warning****

I'm expected to just accept this. ALL of this. Pain, loss and suffering just seems to follow me. I know there has to be a reason. The gods can't possibly be laughing at my expense.

My family wants me to have a funeral. But, I just can't. I can't sit and watch others weep at borrowed memories, watch as false sympathy fills their Kleenex. In the end, not many were there for my mom. Why should I soothe their guilt with closure?

Instead, I had my mother cremated and buried her ashes in a rose bush, at her request. I lie awake at night silently wondering if I did enough. Did I make her feel as special as she was to me? The answer I know is yes.

However, doubts always fill my mind. I continuously analyze each step and try to reassure myself I did it as well I was capable.

I find the death certificate to be a slap in the face. This piece of paper haunts me.

Complications of Pancreas Cancer

I scoff.

Cancer my ass.

Complications of stress. Complications of abandonment. Complications of Depression. Complications of a broken heart.

Those are the complications that lead to my mother's death. She lost her will to live.

I don't blame her. I feel my self slipping into my own darkness. Too many people need me, so I try to stay afloat. I wish I could talk to someone. But, alas they are too filled with empty words of condolences.

If I hear Everything happens for a reason or She is in a better place one more time, I may snap.

I know these things. They aren't comforting. Let me cry, let me scream, let me weep for the loss I have suffered.

I walk out my door, wrapped in my coat headed towards my place. I need to breathe. This house of death is suffocating. I nick named it the Bates Motel. Sick I know. Once you check in, you can't check out. Alive!

Ok, so maybe I'm not handling this well. Cut me some slack.

I find myself walking deep into the forest. Wishing anyone could comfort me. I lean against the tree, warm tears trail down my face, as I realize just how alone I really am.

Just once, something good could happen to me. I wish I had someone to love. I wish I had a purpose. I have always taken care of my mom. Being without her, I feel useless.

I must have fallen asleep under the blanket of stars. The moon shining down upon my soft features.

A twig snapping startled me from my spontaneous slumber. I look around. No one is there. The stench of alcohol assaults my nose, as I hear screams in the distance.

My body stands alert. I rush towards the violent sounds of thrashing and crying. The closer I get, I make out the sound of a man. I hear a teenage girl begging.

"Please, don't" she pleads.

"Shut the fuck up, it won't help you." He barks.

Bile raises in my throat as adrenaline floods my senses. I run towards the offender, hoping to distract him and save her.

I grab a stick on my way towards the crime scene. Immediately, I swing at the drunken slob who is trying to violate the poor child. He falls, backwards and lands on my frame.

I scream at the girl.

"RUN!"

She willingly leaves.

I struggle to lift the dead weight off my body. He stirs. Violently he flips and slaps me as I thrash. I could care less. I hope he kills me. At least she is safe. Maybe Heaven is better than this black abyss I live in.

My face stings from his assault. I'm on the verge of blacking out once his fist connects with my eye. I struggle to keep my eyes open.

I succumb to the darkness.

<<<<<<<<<

I wake to the smell of wet dirt, grass and bark.
My head feels like it will fucking explode. I can only see out of my right eye. I lift my hand to my left and realize it is swollen shut.

I feel drained. There is an ache in my lower body that is verging on searing pain. I look down but, see I am not wearing bottoms.

I flipped out. I jumped up with fear leading my path. I scanned the Forrest floor and find my bottoms resting next to me. I pull them on.

I jog, then sprint and finally I am running. My mind is tortured trying to remember the events that lead to this morning. There was a girl, she was screaming and a drunk man.

Oh god, I hope she got away. Please god, let her be safe.

I make it back to my house, I shower and scrub. The smell of sex is all over my flesh. I use a Brillo and dig at my skin with its abrasive texture. I need to wash this off of me.

I curl in my bed and fall asleep praying that child made it home.

<<<<<<<<<<<<

I wake to evening time. Not paying attention to any of my surroundings. My stomach hurts. It feels painfully full. My back aches. My head is splitting. I decided to get some pain meds and watch tv. I grab my heating pad and slowly make my way towards the couch.

As I turn on the television I'm confused. I see all the wrong programs on at the wrong times. I search for my phone and realize I have been asleep for two days. No missed messages, no missed calls.

I get up to go to the bathroom and blood pours from between my thighs. I frantically clean myself up and head for my keys. Something is wrong.

At the hospital the nurses look at me with pity. I see the doctor as he checks me over with a vile look of disgust. He must be angry at me. For what, I'm not sure.

"Ms. Winters?" He questions.

"Yes, sir?" I answer.

"When were you raped?" He asks.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I was" I reply.

"You were. Can you remember anything?" He asks.

I went over the events of the night in the forest. He tells me I washed away any dna with my bath. I don't care. She was saved, at least that's what I told myself.

"You have lacerations on your cervix, the connecting tissue to your uterus has been torn, there's bruising on every inch of your most intimate areas." He begins.

"Okay" I whisper.

"Are you okay? Can we call someone?" He asks with sincerity.

"No, please don't." I almost scream out.

"It's alright dear, I won't tell anyone that doesn't need to know. I realize you may be ashamed, but you shouldn't be. You saved that child. You're a hero." He explains.

"I don't feel like a hero" I laugh out.

A small smile plays on his lips, it doesn't meet his eyes.

"I'm gonna prescribe some pain killers and antibiotics. It's too late to give you Plan B. It won't change the future." He instructs.

Ugh, what a tragic turn of events if that bastard didn't use a condom. I hope I don't have an STD. These are always the thoughts that kept me a virgin. And now, I have sacrificed my card to a thief.

I thank the doctor as I grab my discharge paperwork. Thank god he already gave me something to relieve the pain. I just wanna go home. If you could call the walls that house death home. Death of my mom, death of my grandma and now death of my sanity.

I make my way home and lock my doors. I check the windows. I check the closets. I grab my phone and lay it beside my face on my pillow while I curl up into myself on the couch.

No use feeling sorry for what already is, I just lay there praying for sleep to find me.

This is my new norm. Work, sleep, work and sleep, a monotony of routine. I don't bother contacting anyone. I don't try to get help. There is no help. What's done is done. Thank god it was me and not her.

>>>>>>>>

I make my way thru the next five months of my life. I feel happy somehow. I notice I'm gaining a little weight. I guess I found a way to eat thru all my suffering.

Lately my back hurts. My feet are aching. I have headaches more often than not, and sometimes I find myself grasping for sturdy structures to stay upright.

Tomorrow, I will go to the doctor. Tomorrow I will make sure I'm okay. Tonight, I'm too exhausted to even bathe. I just want to close my eyes.

I wake up early, I bathe, thank god. I get dressed in my jeans. I have been leaving my zipper open and flipping the flaps of my pants in to make room for the fat I have conjured up from my couch potato life style. I slip on my t-shirt trying to hide my stomach.

I make a mental note to go back to jogging. This amount of belly fat leads to diabetes. God knows I don't need anymore issues.

At the doctors I routinely go thru my examination. Height 5'5", blood pressure normal, heart rate steady and weight 147. Woah! That's 13 pounds more than I'm used to. Time to hit the gym. They take my urine and usher me into the room.

Sitting in the examination room, in just a paper gown, so intrusive they are. I lay back on the table as the doctor gives me a pelvic exam. It's uncomfortable. The pressure is almost too much, tears sting my eyes from the plastic contraption that is violating my body.

The doctor stands.

"Congratulations!" He smiles brightly at me.

"Do I win a prize? I smirk.

"Why yes!" He exclaims.

"Oh goody!" I roll my eyes and groan as he lifts me by my hand into a sitting position.

He lets me get dressed and head into his office for consultation. That's weird, I hope I don't have an STD. I walk with him, sitting in his leather chair as he takes a seat behind his desk.

"I'd say your about 20 weeks or 5 months, either one. Half way there." He recites.

Hmmmm, what is he going on about.

"I'm sorry, I'm new to this doctor thing. Can you explain what that means." I muffle out.

"Oh dear, you didn't know you were pregnant?" He asks.

Well come to think of it, I guess I haven't seen the red headed slut dragon in a while. ie my period.

"No sir, I was not. Is the baby okay?" I silently pray it is.

"Well as far as the bloodwork goes, yes. But, an ultrasound can confirm that." He states.

"Would you like one?" He questions half heartedly.

"Yes, please." I request.

"Let me get the tech. It will be just a minute." He obliged.

So, laying on another table I wait as the ultrasound tech places cold blue gel on my swollen abdomen. How I didn't realize that I'm pregnant, is baffling to me. She begins to press deeply into my "fat" and start her procedure.

"The baby is a bit large. Nothing to be concerned about. Just long and healthy. A little girl." She beams.

I smile and gently wipe the tear that has escaped my eyes. I hear the fast pounding heart beat and watch as she kicks on the screen. As if the confirmation of a child in my womb has finally hit, I feel the small kicks of the life growing inside of me.

She finished the exam and the doctor hands me some prescriptions with advisements on what to expect.

I leave after thanking them for seeing me on such short notice.