may 2018 : 2 years and 4 months ago

Lily rang his doorbell at 10 a.m. and restlessly shifted her weight back and forth from the balls of her feet to her heels as she awaited an answer. She undoubtedly looked a little odd showing up unannounced, clinging to the plastic cupcake container she picked up from Publix on the way here. She didn't have the courage to do this a couple of days ago, but after last night all of her other problems now felt disproportionately small. So when Izzy texted her late last night while she was still bawling her eyes out about Henry and let her know what today was, she decided to come here. She craved the comfort she knew she could find in the new familiarity of his presence.

She braced herself for the possibility of one of his parents answering the door. She had yet to meet his dad and her singular encounter with his mom was under less than ideal circumstances, but surely she could ask for a minute of his attention even if he was busy. He had asked to see her this weekend, after all.

When the door swung open, Jo was the one behind it. Phew. She smiled when she saw the vanilla cupcake in Lily's hand.

"Hi, um, is Liam here?"

"I haven't seen him yet. He might still be asleep." Jo let Lily step inside and closed the door behind them. "Do you know where his room is?"

Lily shook her head perhaps a little too fervently. She wasn't trying to give Jo any more ideas about the two of them.

"All the way upstairs and it's the door on the right."

She hadn't considered that she might need to wake him up. She hadn't really pegged him as the type to sleep in, although she supposed the occasion warranted it. But she wasn't sure what to do if she knocked and he didn't answer; she wasn't about to just go in his room while he was asleep.

She made her way upstairs as instructed and knocked, holding her breath for a few seconds before she got a response.

"Yeah?" Liam's voice asked sleepily from somewhere on the other side of the door.

Oops. She definitely just woke him up and she felt a little bad about it, but there was no undoing it at this point. "Hi, um-"

"Lily?" He sounded much more awake now.

"Yeah." She felt heat rising to her cheeks. "Sorry, I-"

"No, it's cool," he said hurriedly. "Just, uh, give me a minute."

"I'll, um, wait downstairs." She figured it was a better alternative to awkwardly lurking outside his bedroom.

As she walked back down to the kitchen, she noticed that there was still no sign of his parents. It brought their conversation from that night she accidentally fell asleep over here back to the forefront of her mind. He mentioned then that he never knew when they were going to be home, but she was still a little perplexed by their absence. It was possible that they were around here somewhere, but Lily presumed that her ringing the doorbell would have gotten their attention if that were the case.

She climbed onto one of the kitchen barstools and Jo offered to make her some coffee while they waited on Liam. She gratefully accepted; with how foggy her brain still was from all the crying she did last night, she needed the caffeine boost. Just as Jo was setting two Pinterest-worthy lattes on the counter, one for Lily and one for Liam, he came bounding down the stairs and into the kitchen.

She couldn't help but think that he looked adorable after scrambling to get ready at the last second - his white shirt and jeans were for some reason paired with Christmas socks even though it was May and his hair was still a bit rumpled from sleep. He thanked Jo for the coffee as she gave him a quick hug, but his eyes locked onto the cupcake sitting in front of Lily the second he walked into the room. She watched as the surprised expression on his face morphed after a short moment into a small, almost bashful smile.

Jo excused herself to go work, probably for the purpose of giving Lily and Liam some space to talk. He came over to sit next to her and she tried not to let the proximity, close enough that she could smell the mintiness of toothpaste lingering on his breath, go to her head.

"I, um, Izzy kind of told me and I dunno, I figured twenty seemed like a big deal. Surviving two whole decades and everything..." She sheepishly handed him the cupcake. "Happy birthday, Liam."

"Thanks, Lils. You didn't have to do anything." His smile didn't fully fade, but he faltered slightly. "Weren't you...I thought you were busy this weekend?"

"Oh..." She suddenly worried that he was going to be able to tell she had been crying. I just wanna think about you and not him. "I was. Some stuff...happened."

He paused as though he wanted to ask but decided against it. "You should stay for breakfast," he proposed instead, his eyes lighting up like something sparked an idea. "It's nice out. We can have a picnic or something."

That sounded nice. And romantic. It was extremely difficult to make eye contact with him and not blush more. "Don't you have plans?" she asked.

The corner of his mouth curved back up into a soft smile. "Not important ones."

So Liam grabbed a blanket and some muffins out of the pantry while Lily precariously carried their full coffee mugs. As they stepped outside, she noticed that it truly was the perfect day for a picnic. The faintest breeze rustled the treetops like a whisper and the air smelled like recent rain, but the ground looked dry. It was that perfect temperature between hot and cool. The sun was pleasantly warm on her skin, but not uncomfortable.

She barely got to see the garden the last time she was here, but he led her to what must have been in his eyes the best place for a picnic. It was this lovely little spot nestled between a cluster of orange trees, neither directly in the sunlight nor fully shaded. And - she couldn't help but notice - it seemed to be the most secluded corner of the garden, the house now hidden from view behind some trees and shrubs.

Her heart started beating a little faster as she made this observation and he spread the blanket out for them. He sat down and gestured for her to join, so she carefully lowered herself down across from him, taking care not to slosh their coffees around. When she handed him his mug, he looked at her thoughtfully for a moment without speaking. She should have let him be the one to break the silence, but her brain decided to short-circuit and determined that it was a good idea to blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

"Is this where you take girls to make out?"

Scarlet heat rose to her face again and she nearly gaped at her own stupidity. Oh my God. Did I really just-

His eyebrows raised and he nearly laughed, but all things considered he kept a surprisingly collected expression. "I don't take girls anywhere to do anything, thank you very much."

Lily somehow found the guts to use her embarrassment to her advantage. "But I'm a girl and you brought me here and this is something," she pointed out. "So what are you thinking that something is, exactly?"

He was apparently prepared to play the game she just started. "Well, that depends."

Stay calm stay calm stay calm. "On what?"

"What do you want it to be?"

She blanked, unprepared to have the question turned on her. "Um, breakfast," she stammered. "I'm hungry."

If her answer bothered him, he didn't let it on. He simply handed her a muffin.

Lily was still blushing furiously while they ate, but Liam was kind enough not to point it out. They quickly fell back into their usual dynamic, the conversation free-flowing and easy. Even though he wouldn't fully understand, she found herself telling him what happened with Henry. It was so relieving to get it off her chest and even more so to hear him tell her that her feelings were valid. She needed to hear it.

She lost track of how long they stayed out there. Eventually, once the food was long gone and their coffee was reduced to sticky remnants of foam that clung to the inside of their mugs, Liam laid back on the blanket and closed his eyes. They slipped into silence. Lily listened to the gentle swishing of the leaves above against each other and watched him.

This must have been his happy place. She could see in the way his whole body relaxed and in the blitheness of his expression that his tension was gone. At school, he came across as a somewhat dark and broody person who liked to keep to himself. But here he was all happiness, adorned with light. Untouchable. And beautiful. When a beam of sun would reach down and trace along him just right, the edges of his hair looked almost golden. Like heaven decided to give him a little piece of its beauty for his birthday.

She slowly scooted over to put her muffin wrapper back in the package it had come from, which was sitting next to him. But she stayed there at his side. He surely noticed but must not have cared. She thought about drawing her fingertips along his arm, of feeling the warmth of his skin against hers and finding out if his tee shirt was as soft as it looked. What it would be like to run her hands through his hair and learn how his lips felt against hers.

His eyes fluttered open and a lazy smile made its way onto his face as he sat up.

"What is it?" she asked.

He let out the smallest laugh and lifted a hand to her cheek, brushing something away. "You've got a crumb."

"Oh," she mumbled. "Thanks."

"Mhmm," he hummed and lowered his hand.

Lily was still looking at his face, so her breath caught in her throat when she suddenly felt his thumb start delicately tracing against her palm. Every neuron in her body lit up, starting in her hand and radiating outwards. She let out a shallow breath and let her eyes fall shut and hesitantly trailed her fingers along the length of his hand, not quite threading their fingers together. And she felt how close he was, gradually leaning closer like he wanted to kiss her.

She wanted to let him do it. It could have been wonderful. It was the perfect day for a new beginning, but there was still the tiniest fraction of her that feared it could be wrong. That needed to know first.

"Liam, I-" she breathed.

"What's wrong, Lils?" he murmured. "You can tell me."

Her finger slid up to his wrist, landing on and running along that line of raised skin she knew was the scar. She felt his forearm tense in the slightest.

The words finally slipped out of her lips as a hesitant whisper. "How did you get that?"

"Do you really want me to tell you?" he asked just as quietly.

She blinked and pulled back to look at his face. His brown eyes were now a little melancholy, but they weren't mad. Just expectant, waiting for her answer.

What am I doing? What kind of question is that on his birthday?

Lily quickly shook her head. "No, I'm being unfair, I-" she halted, examining his eyes again. "Were...you were gonna tell me?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "I was. I will, if you want me to."

Her heart swelled with happiness and guilt at the same time. "I shouldn't have asked. That was terrible of me, I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

A content smile returned to his face as he reached over for the cupcake container, opened it, and carefully tore the cupcake in half so that they could share it.

So that was that. She didn't make him talk. And he wasn't mad at her for asking.

The whole encounter just made them want each other even more.

"Did Katie ever say anything else about that dude she had a crush on?" Lily asked.

She was curled up in bed, Facetiming Izzy later that same day. Her goal in doing so was to keep herself distracted from the Henry problem, but she was trying to steer the conversation away from herself and Liam.

Izzy fell silent for a second. "Hold on, did she not..." she drifted off. "Did you not figure that out?"

Lily frowned. "What?"

"Oh no." Izzy bit down on her lip, attempting to stifle an abrupt fit of giggles. "You really don't know?"

Since when did Katie tell Izzy anything that she didn't tell Lily?

"How would I know?!" she whined. "What did she tell you?"

Izzy smirked. "She didn't tell me anything, I just put two and two together."

Huh? "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I would perhaps suggest thinking long and hard about what else she could have meant when she said he was off limits," Izzy mused, clearly still trying not to cackle. "And why she reaaaaally didn't want to tell you."

Was she a total idiot for not knowing what Izzy was getting at? She sat there for a long moment and attempted to remember everything Katie had said about her crush the night they met Liam at that party, but she had given them astoundingly little clue as to who this mystery man was.

Lily took a shot in the dark. "Liam?" she guessed, but that made no sense at all to her.

It wasn't like she had some sort of claim to him, so if Katie also liked him she would have spoken up by now, right? More importantly, unless Lily was way out of the loop, Katie and Liam had only interacted on a couple of occasions.

Izzy shook her head. "Try again."

But who else...

Lily's eyes widened as it hit her what her friend was implying. "You don't mean-"

She was cut off by a nod from Izzy.

Lily's jaw dropped. There was no way, right? But it kind of made sense...

"Oh my God. I gotta go," she blurted, already jumping out of bed as she abruptly ended the call.

She bolted downstairs, pulled on a pair of shoes, and raced down the street. She must have looked insane when she appeared in Katie's bedroom doorway out of nowhere, pink and breathing heavily from running over faster than Sonic.

Katie, who was sitting on her bed with a pair of earbuds in, pulled them out. "Uh-"

"When were you gonna tell me you have a crush on Henry?!?!"

Katie's face turned so red it was almost purple and she rolled over to bury her face in her pillow. "I was trying to forget about it," she mumbled, the sound muffled.

Lily, still reeling, came over and plopped down next to her best friend. "But how?! You hated him at first," she spluttered. "And he's so...Henryish."

"I dunno," Katie muttered, her face still firmly planted in her blue pillowcase. "I guess I spent too much time around him."

This was so weird. While Lily had acknowledged that Henry was maybe kinda attractive to specific crowds (curse you, tattoos), she never thought that any of her friends would end up being those people, least of all Katie. She met him back when he was super nerdy and she and Lily were barely-teenagers who read cringey fanfic off of Tumblr in their free time.

Would Henry ever like Katie back? Would Lily be okay with them dating? The thought of Henry and Katie kissing kind of made her want to crawl into a hole and die there. She wasn't sure if she could envision him ever liking any of her friends that way. He didn't strike her as the type to let himself cross that line, even if he wanted to.

But as all of these thoughts were swimming through Lily's head, it occurred to her that none of it mattered.

"He's ditching us to move to Seattle," she announced.

Katie instantly sat up, her expression ridden with alarm. "What?!"

"In three weeks," Lily elaborated, but now that she was looking Katie in the face and saying this out loud, she was starting to tear up again. "Apparently he needs to go 'find himself' or something."

"You're kidding."

"I wish."

"When did he tell you that?!"

Lily embarrassedly wiped at her eyes even though this would be far from the first or last time she cried in front of Katie. "Last night."

Katie looked dumbfounded, but Lily could see hurt underneath. She sensed it didn't even have much to do with the crush. Henry was like a brother to her, but he was Katie's friend, too. Although they were only friends by extension of Lily, that still added up to five years of time spent around each other. Five years of friendship that he was choosing to leave behind.

Lily wanted to comfort her but didn't know how to when she herself was teetering on the precipice of sinking back into a sobbing mess. All she could say was, "I'm sorry."

Katie leaned over and hugged her. Lily took a deep breath to compose herself, a tear sliding down her face when she exhaled.

A lump formed in her throat when he showed up at the door that evening with two McFlurries, both larges.

Unspeaking, she let him inside. They had the living room to themselves; her parents were out at some stupid dinner party thing. She lowered herself onto the couch and stared at the floor, wondering how she could possibly ignore the sensation that her heart was being ripped in two.

Seeing him made her so cheery and sorrowful at the same time. So peaceful yet so bitter. Because as much as she had been trying to convince herself for the past twenty-four hours that he was a terrible person for doing this, he wasn't. He was the opposite of terrible and that was precisely the problem. What they had was so good that the thought of it going away broke her.

She felt like she couldn't bear to talk about it yet, but deep down she accepted that they had to. He was right to show up here. Last night had gone so utterly, awfully wrong.

Henry sat down right next to her, brushed her hair behind her shoulder, and rubbed her back with one hand like he always did when he thought she was gonna start crying.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled, her voice quivering. "I shouldn't have used stuff I forgave you for against you."

"I shouldn't have used any of your insecurities against you. That was wrong. I-" Henry let out a small sigh and shook his head. "I know it's not an excuse, I just...I've never really liked my graduations or birthdays or any of it. It makes me think about her and how she should be here for it and doing all of it a year after I do. So I was ready for yesterday to be over and I was trying not to be upset and I know I messed up. I wanted that to go better than it did."

Lily swallowed and attempted to compose herself. If she thought too hard about any of it, she was going to start weeping.

"You should have known that cutting to the chase was a crappy way to communicate with someone who panics as easily as I do," she stated numbly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"But I could tell that you were getting anxious and I still kept yelling at you, so I guess we both suck."

Lily leaned over and hugged him before he could respond, burying her face in his shirt and wrapping her arms around him. She was still furious with him, but she was able to see through her anger just enough to realize that if his departure was inevitable, she couldn't let their last few weeks together be miserable. She couldn't add to her pain even further.

When his arms tightened around her and he hugged her back, she knew she made the right choice. That didn't stop some tears from escaping her eyes. Every second she spent with him, every second she spent grappling with the duality of loving this and knowing it was about to be gone, was going to hurt. All she could do was try to let it hurt a little less.

"Please don't think I'm not going to miss you," he said quietly. "I'm gonna miss you so much."

Lily feebly nodded. Her throat was hoarse and aching and if she tried to reply to that, she might start bawling. The best thing she could do for herself was try to resume normality for the time they had left and simply hang out with him like she always did.

She had an idea.

She pulled back from the hug, rubbed the tears away from her eyes, and ate a heaping spoonful of her McFlurry to soothe her tight throat. And then she nearly smiled. Henry was watching her curiously, awaiting her next move, but she knew he wouldn't be expecting what she was about to say and it almost made her giggle.

"So there's something else we should talk about," she confessed.

As expected, Henry looked confused. "There is?"

"There is," she repeated. "You see...there may or may not be a boy."

He broke into a surprised grin and reached over to grab his McFlurry. "Alright, I'm listening."

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Hi everyone, I hope you liked this chapter okay. I definitely used all of my brain cells on the first half of it so the second half isn't my favorite, but that's just how it goes sometimes! 

Thanks for reading and Happy February <3