june 2014 : 6 years and 3 months ago

This was the most exhausting week of Lily's life.

Her skull throbbed as she trudged out of her therapy appointment, feeling even more lost than she did when she went in. For the past forty-five minutes, she was asked to recount every single little thing that might have been off with her over the past few months, exactly when it started, and how long it lasted.

Have you been spending more time alone than usual? Having trouble concentrating? Strong emotions? No emotions? Uneasiness around others?

To call it overwhelming would have been an understatement. She wanted to scream, I don't know! and run out of there. How was she supposed to know what was and wasn't normal teenage moodiness? Did no one understand that she would have done something before now if all of this was so black-and-white?

Her throat was tight and her eyes brimmed with the tears that she had been trying to hold back this whole time as she rushed to the front door, staring down at the floor so that no one in the waiting room would see her about to cry. Her parents were supposedly coming in to talk to her psychiatrist about a plan for her, but she would rather sit on the curb in the sweltering heat and wait for them there than spend one more minute in that building than she had to.

The mid-afternoon sun was bright - too bright - in Lily's already-watery eyes as she stepped outside. She wiped at a stray tear, her lips pressing into a thin line when she looked up from the ground beneath her feet. Her mom's car was there in the parking lot, but so was Henry's Jeep.

He wasn't supposed to be here, but there he was, leaning against the driver's side door and scrolling on his phone. She reluctantly approached.

"What are you doing here?" she asked quietly.

He had that same small, sad smile on his face that she'd grown accustomed to in the two days that had passed since the incident. That smile that screamed, I'm internally freaking out but I'm not gonna let it on because I don't want you to feel bad.

She wasn't blind. She could tell how much he was stressing about her and she didn't know what to do about it. Henry was trying to be there for her and the selfish part of her really, really wanted him there. She wanted to make him keep hugging her and telling her that it was all going to be okay because it was the only thing keeping her head above water right now. But she could see that it was tiring him and that he was worrying an unhealthy amount. He was trying to take on more of her pain than he could actually handle and the only way she could think of to stop him from doing that was to push him away. She didn't want to push him. But she couldn't let him drown himself trying to keep her afloat.

"I asked if I could pick you up."

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily spotted her parents getting out of the car, but they appeared to be giving her and Henry their space to talk and heading inside.

She worked to prevent her tone from sounding too defensive. "Why?"

He gave a small shrug. "I figured you could use a McFlurry."

Keeping him at arm's length would be infinitely easier if he wasn't so nice. If he wasn't the kind of person who bought her ice cream when she was sad. If he wasn't endearingly dorky, his big blue eyes watching her from behind that new pair of glasses he got after he broke the last pair fighting Ben.

The remainder of her willpower to oppose him crumpled. She feebly, silently nodded and opened the passenger door, tucking her knees up to her chin after she crawled into her seat. Lily didn't want to look at him, or anything for that matter. She closed her eyes and pretended that her problems could just melt away for a few minutes while the steady motion of the car and quiet hum of the air conditioning soothed her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Henry's voice eventually asked gingerly from off to her left.

"No."

He silent for another few seconds as he cautiously evaluated how to continue, tiptoeing around her like he was in a minefield. Guilt tugged at her heartstrings even more.

"Do you want a large?" he offered.

"Sure," she mumbled.

Just try to distract yourself, Lily thought.

She forced herself to sit up a little straighter in her seat and ask him about his day, plowing through her McFlurry at lightning speed once they went through the drive-thru. Henry let her act like she was fine but seemed thoroughly unconvinced by her sudden upturn in mood. She was a terrible liar.

She dragged herself out of the car once they got back to her place. Her whole body felt heavy and fatigued as if she had weights attached to her feet that she had to drag along with her. She lowered herself onto the porch steps and spooned out the last melty dregs of McFlurry, unsure if she wanted Henry to stay with her longer or not. She grimaced slightly at the annoying scraping noise the plastic spoon made against the inside of the cup.

Henry sat down right next to her, waiting for her to say or do whatever she needed to - or rather, however much of it she was ready to do. She didn't think she had the words to explain everything she and her psychiatrist talked about. And even if she did, she didn't want to. Not yet.

So Lily did the same thing she had been doing for two days now. She set her cup down at her side and leaned over onto his shoulder, folding into his arms and letting out a little defeated sigh. She had hoped that her appointment would help her feel better. But all she felt was worse. She wasn't sure if she knew her own mind anymore. And physically, she felt almost as poorly. Her head was still pounding and her skin was already sticky from being outside in the dense humidity, but she lacked the energy to peel away the sweaty strands of hair that were stuck to the back of her neck.

If she was going to cry, now was the time to do it. She hated crying in front of her parents even more than she hated crying in front of Henry and no one seemed to want to leave her alone. So she gave up, letting the tears tumble down her cheeks and lying to herself about how much she had cried in the past forty-eight hours, pretending that the sudden stickiness on her face was just sweat. She felt the slight movement of Henry's chest and shoulders as he took a deep breath and braced himself to deal with her pain like he fully expected her to cry but was still sad that she was doing it.

She bit down on her quivering lower lip, praying she could hold back the full-blown meltdown that was threatening to spill out of her. Pull it together, Lily. Pull it together.

She was supposed to be able to push through this, wasn't she? She needed to be "strong," whatever that meant. After all, you never heard about anyone liking the weak girls. They weren't the ones immortalized in movies or books or TV shows. Being weak was outdated. So if she wasn't strong, she wasn't good enough. But she didn't know how to be strong, not when everything was pointing to the conclusion that she must be insane-

More tears momentarily blurred her vision before sliding down her cheeks. "Am I crazy, Henry?" she mumbled.

His arms tightened around her. The gesture was somehow uncomfortable and comforting at the same time. Keeping her close to him was the best way he knew of to try to ease her sorrows and his own, so it was probably breaking his heart over and over again when it didn't work and she inevitably wound up back in the same position, crying and needing hugs again.

"Of course you're not," he assured softly, his fingers rubbing her arm. "Don't say that."

If her mind weren't so foggy from the headache and the tears she wouldn't have said what came out of her mouth next. All of her insecurities were starting to taunt her. "You weren't acting like it the other night," she said miserably.

Why did she look at him when she said that? She shouldn't have let herself see the hurt that flickered through his eyes for a second, but when he didn't get defensive, Lily realized that his disappointment was in himself and not in her.

"Listen to me, Lily." He let go of her to brush the tears off her cheeks, forcing her to look at him. "I was scared the other night and that's on me and I'm sorry. It doesn't make you crazy."

She gave the tiniest of nods, already regretting that she made him feel bad, but he leaned over and planted a kiss on the top of her head. "We're gonna figure out whatever this is," he promised, his voice a quiet hum. "Together. Okay?"

She so desperately wanted to believe him that for at least that moment, she did. "Okay."

She buried her head in his shoulder, so it took her a moment to realize that there was another presence nearby. She sat up, rubbed at her eyes and blinked a couple of times. Katie was coming up the driveway, her blonde ponytail swinging back and forth as she walked.

She came to a halt as her eyes drifted back and forth between Lily and Henry, obviously realizing that they were having some sort of moment. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I can come back another t-"

Henry put on a smile. "No, that's okay. You two have fun."

It was obvious what he was getting at: that for everyone's sakes, Lily needed to try to maintain as much normalcy as she could. Part of her wanted to curl up in bed, bury herself under all of her blankets and never emerge, but Henry was right.

As Lily pulled herself to her feet, Katie somewhat awkwardly nodded at Henry. "See you around."

The further the girls got down the street from Lily's house, the more weight lifted from her shoulders. She hadn't actually seen Katie in person these past few days, but she texted her the very short version of what happened. Her best friend didn't seem nearly as freaked out about it all as her family was and Lily doubted that would have changed had she given a more comprehensive picture of the story.

Contrarily to Lily, Katie simply wasn't much of a worrier. The two girls differed in a lot of ways, which was probably one of the reasons why they made such great friends and their friendship had lasted for so long. Katie was a voice of reason, which Lily often sorely needed when she got too hung up in emotions to see clearly. Lily was better at understanding other people's feelings and offering emotional support. Together, they made a great team. Katie was the day to her night, her perfect other half.

The longer they sat on Katie's bedroom floor and chatted about whatever random stuff crossed their minds as if nothing had happened, the more Lily realized just how much she needed Katie's company today. As much as she loved how similar she and Henry were when it came to expressing their emotions and processing things, it didn't take very much for the two of them to start over-empathizing with each other. She didn't want to admit it but knew deep down that it created more stress on both ends than was there in the first place. Hopefully some time alone would help Henry wind down.

If given the choice she would have stayed at Katie's house all night, scrolling through Tumblr and having the Team Peeta vs Team Gale debate for the billionth time. But as it neared dinnertime, she knew that her parents would be expecting her home soon. Neither of them had texted her yet asking her to come back, but she decided she ought to go anyway. She had no interest in giving anyone more reasons to worry about her.

Lily was a lot calmer by the time she was leaving Katie's house, although the headache still persisted. She really needed to drink some water or something. It didn't help that sun was beating down from the cloudless sky and making it feel as though waves of heat were radiating off the asphalt beneath her feet as she walked back home.

A couple of mailboxes away from her house, she frowned. Henry's car was still in the driveway. Did he hang around to wait on her parents to get home? Were they talking about her right now?

Uneasiness settled in her stomach as she stepped onto the porch and cracked the front door open as quietly as possible.

She immediately heard it.

All three of them, in the kitchen. Arguing.

Lily held her breath, afraid that even the slightest movement would give her away. And she listened, her heart beating more wildly with each word.

"You've got to be kidding me, right?" Henry's voice was saying.

Lily tensed, pressing her back against the wall as if that would somehow make her invisible whilst she was standing out there in the open. The only time she had ever heard him this irritated was right before his fight with Ben; he definitely hadn't spoken to any of their parents with that tone before.

Her mom answered. "Why would-"

"I can't believe you're actually considering this," Henry huffed, but there was something else under the annoyance. Something...desperate. "We can't put her in there, do you know what that's gonna do to her?"

Put her in there? Where was in there? And why did Henry sound so freaked out about it? Her brain scrambled for clues.

"It's just five days of observation, Henry," Dad snapped. "And it's the best way to figure this out as quickly as possible. Isn't that what you want?"

Five days of observation...they weren't talking about the psych hospital, were they? Lily raised a shaky hand to her mouth, hit with a sudden wave of terror and queasiness.

"There's gotta be a better option," Henry pressed, but she could hear him growing increasingly nervous, which did nothing to reassure her. "There has to be outpatient or something-"

"Henry, please stop trying to argue with us," Dad sighed. "We talked about this and we feel like it's the best way. She's going to be okay. This isn't...it's preventative. It's better to do this now than wait and have a situation-"

He cut himself off. Lily had absolutely no idea what he was implying, but Henry must have.

"How thoughtful of you," he retorted, his voice dripping with contempt. "You should explain that logic to her, I think she'll really appreciate it."

"I didn't mean-"

Henry took a moment and exhaled slowly. Lily wished she could see him - she couldn't tell if he was angry or sad or both. One way or another, he must have been pretty rattled because he didn't respond.

"Henry," Dad offered a little more kindly. "We know what we're doing."

"Do you?"

Lily could practically feel the tension and she couldn't even see them. She envisioned them standing on opposite ends of the kitchen, glaring daggers at each other.

"Yes."

"Then I guess I might as well wait in the car," Henry said dryly. "Since we all know which one of us is actually gonna be there for her after you tell her that you're sending her tomorrow-"

"Henry-" Mom and Dad both scolded, but he decided the conversation was over. He stormed out of the kitchen and they followed-

To where Lily was now in plain sight.

The color drained from Henry's face. "Lily-" he whispered, fumbling with his words. "I- how much did you-"

They all stared at her in horror at the mistake they just made. But Lily could barely process that. As the gravity of what was going on started to set in, so did the panic. It engulfed her senses, making it nearly impossible to think about anything else. Her ears were ringing. Her chest was so tight, like she wasn't getting enough oxygen, like her heart was about to burst. Her legs felt weak beneath her.

She mustered every last ounce of courage she had just to stay standing on her own two feet and inhaled a short, shaky breath. "I guess I better go pack my bags."

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Hi. I stress myself out writing these things. Do you guys think Henry overreacted or was it justified?

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