Mona called Felix right away, bago pa magising si Brandi, and explained to him that she got drunk the night before. Ang sabi pa niya, kasama niyang uminom si Aika dahil brokenhearted ito. She didn't tell him about Brandi. Alam kasi niyang magagalit ito. He wasn't satisfied with her explanation. He wanted to meet with her, to talk to her in person.

Pero alam niyang malayo ito. When she told him that she has plans the day before Valentine's Day, she gave Andrea the upperhand. Umalis ang buong pamilya ng February 13. He's supposed to be back the morning of 15th.

"Pa'no 'yong lakad ninyo?" paalala niya. "Family day 'yon, di ba?"

Pumalatak ito. Bumuntong-hininga.

"Sorry kung nag-alala ka. Wala lang 'yon—"

"You were drunk," he interjected. "It meant something."

"How can that mean something when I'm drunk when I typed it?" Hinilot niya ang sintido. Biglang sumakit ang ulo niya.

"A person is most honest when she's drunk," he explained. "Maybe you unconsciously want that." His voice cracked. Tumikhim ito. Nang magsalita itong muli, malumanay na ang boses nito, para bang mabibiyak. "We have to talk about it."

Napasapo siya. "Beh, pwede bang huwag muna ngayon? Maybe after a few days?"

"We'll still see each other tomorrow, right?"

She bit her lip. After those series of texts? Nahihiya siyang humarap dito. She knew that when they see each other again, she will give in to him again. She will deny those texts. She will deny what she really feels, because she had to hold on in order to keep their relationship.

Napapagod na siya. Pero ayaw niyang bumitaw.

"Will it be okay kung huwag muna?"

Felix heaved a sigh. "Okay. I'll talk to you later."

--

Felix didn't show up the next day. He didn't give her another call. He just sent her a text message saying, 'If you want to talk or meet, just send me a text'. She wanted to see him. Gusto niya itong makasama. Pero ewan ba niya. She felt indifferent for a few days. And then, Mickey's confession happened.

She and Brandi went to Aika's house to apologize. Apparently, seryoso pala talaga si Mickey sa kaibigan nila. He just needed the go signal from Aika's parents. Who would have thought that someone like Mickey, who's never been in a serious relationship before, will fall madly in love with Aika, enough to ask for her whole family's permission? Enough to admit his feelings for her to the world?

Mickey's confession made her think about her relationship with Felix. They're officially together, but everyone around them thinks that it's a bad idea, that they shouldn't be together. Na para bang may mali.

Ilang araw rin silang walang komunikasyon ni Felix. He's really waiting for her to make the move, which brought another realization. He's always making her decide. It's like he can't even decide for the both of them.

Ilang araw siyang nagmukmok hanggang sa nakaipon siya ng sapat na lakas ng loob. She sent him a long text.

Hey, I know it's been a while. I'm sorry if I didn't contact you sooner. I took the time to think. To really think about us. And I think that I deserve to be a little selfish. Everyone around me thinks that I deserve better, but I held on to you because I love you. It's funny, isn't it? I finally have the guts to tell you how I feel, and it's under this circumstance. I love you. I really do. You make me feel like I'm younger than 33. It was nice to be loved by you, but it was painful to love you. I don't believe that I'm too good for you, but I know now that I deserve better. Still, I want to give you a chance, Felix. Choose. Because in the end, you have to choose, so why not choose now? I want you to choose me, but I know that you love them so much, too. I promise I will try to understand if you choose them over me.

Huminga muna siya nang ilang beses bago ipinadala ang mensahe. She closed her eyes and waited.

And waited.

After what felt like forever, she checked her phone to see if he replied. Wala pa rin. She checked the notification sound, if it's on. It's on.

Naghintay siyang muli.

Maya-maya, tumunog ang phone niya. Someone sent her a text. She took a deep breath. Nanlalamig na ang mga kamay niya. Kumakabog na ang dibdib niya. If this is not Felix, magwawala talaga siya. Sayang naman ang anticipation niya kung iba pala ang nag-text!

She looked at the text. It was from him.

Are you sure about this?

Kinagat niya ang ibabang labi. Of course, she's not sure about it. Alam niyang iiyakan niya ito nang matagal na panahon. She wanted to tell him to just forget about it. Pero palagi naman silang ganoon. Urong-sulong. They just go around in circles. Kaya walang pinatutunguhan ang relasyon nila.

Yes, she typed and hit send before her conviction falters again.

Can I call you? was his reply.

Okay.

Halos kasi-send pa lamang niya ng message nang bigla itong tumawag. They were both quiet during those first few seconds. Naghihintayan kung sino ang unang magsasalita.

"H-Hi," she croaked.

"Hi."

Hindi niya alam ang sasabihin. She already poured out eveything on that one text message. She didn't want him to say anything, afraid that he might say something that will make her change her mind.

"So... I guess this is it?"

Her heart sank. Nanlumo siya. She covered her mouth, and cried silently.

"I know you're not happy with me, Mona. I want you to be happy. Be happy for me, please..."

She ended the call and let her tears choke her. Inasahan na niya ito, pero ang sakit-sakit pa rin. It was more painful because he didn't even fight for her. Tama nga sila. His heart is already full, there's no space left for her.

She hugged her pillow and wailed. She cried loudly for the world to heal. This will be the last time that she will cry for him. Itinodo na niya. Eyes still brimming with tears, she got up from the couch and went to the kitchen. Kumuha siya ng isang bote ng wine. But before she gobbles it all up, she locked her phone in one of the kitchen drawers and hid the key where she'll likely forget while drunk.

And then, she began emptying the bottle.

--

Hapon na nang magising siya. Her living room's a mess. How did she manage to sleep with all the vomit? Agad niyang nasapo ang ulo nang umikot ang paningin niya. She ran to the bathroom to empty her stomach. She gurgled off the nasty taste of bile and wine from her mouth and looked for medicine for her hangover.

Hinintay muna niyang umayos ang pakiramdam bago niya nilinis ang kalat sa sala. And then, she looked for her phone. Good thing she hid it before she got drunk. Otherwise, she'll never find it.

She checked for his messages. There was one. It said, Whatever happens, I love you.

"Fuck you," she muttered. Just when she thought she could never cry again, bigla na lamang bumukal ang mga mata niya. "May mahal bang ganyan? Basta na lang nili-let go?!" litaniya niya.

She almost threw her phone away. Huminga siya nang ilang beses, pilit na binabawasan ang galit. When she became a little calmer, she opened all their conversations. Binalikan niya iyong pinakang-una. And then, she cried again. She kept crying while reading them all. Wala na siyang makita dahil sa mga luha. Sinisipon na rin siya kaiiyak.

Gusto niyang burahin ang mga usapan nila, 'yong mga landian at harutan nila sa text, lahat ng malalalim na usapan, lahat ng I love you... pero hindi niya magawa. She can't do it by herself. She's torn between letting him go completely and letting the remnants of his presence linger.

She called Brandi. Galit na galit ito nang marinig siyang umiiyak. Through her sniffs and cries, she explained what happened.

"Okay. I'm coming over. Stay there. And don't fucking call him, okay? I'll kill you if you call him!"

Suminghot siya. "A-Akala ko ba nasa go-see ka?"

"Fuck the go-see!"

"Beh, baka mawalan ka pa ng trabaho dahil sa 'kin."

"Okay lang. At least you broke up with him."

"Beh! Bakit mo pa pinaalala?!" ngawa niya.

"Gaga. Get used to it."

She blew her nose. "Hurry up! The urge to call him is high!"

Pumalatak ito. "Destroy your fucking phone, woman!"

"Mahal ang phone ko!"

"Ibibili kita ng bago!"

For some weird reason, she found that funny. She laughed and cried at the same time. Brandi laughed with her, but then reiterated the threat.

"Beh, bago mo pa ako patayin, baka napatay ko na ang sarili ko after I called him."

"Then I'll summon the devil to resurrect you."

"Aww... all that effort just to kill me again?" she teased.

"At least ako nag-effort, di ba?"

She clutched her chest. "Aray ko, Beh. Hindi pa man ako nakakatawag, papatayin na 'ko ng mga salita mo."

Tumawa si Brandi. "Okay, I need to shut up now. I'll drive really, really fast."

"Ingat!"

--

Brandi arrived faster than she calculated. May dala itong isang pint ng ice cream. She shoved the ice cream onto her hands and ordered her to eat it.

"Hindi pa ako nag-a-almusal."

"Bukas ka na mag-almusal. Merienda na ngayon."

Tinungo nito ang sala. Brandi's face distorted in disgust when she saw the bare floor and wet patches on the couch.

"Sa dining area na lang tayo," aya niya sa kaibigan.

She put the ice cream inside the fridge and rummaged it for something to eat. Hindi niya pwedeng kainin agad ang ice cream. Lalong sasakit ang sikmura niya. Fortunately, she found a box of leftover pizza. Iniinit niya iyon sa microwave.

"Want some?" She offered Brandi a slice.

"Ugh. Do I want eat a slice of grease? No thanks!"

Nagkibit-balikat siya at umupo sa tapat nito. She opened her phone and gave it to Brandi. "Here."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Gusto mong mag-move on ako, di ba?"

"All right. I'm just making sure."

She's usually loose with her phone. Kahit sino, pwedeng makialam. That was before she met Felix. They've had some lewd exchanges in the past that will make her friends cringe to death. Masuka-suka si Brandi habang binabasa ang mga mensaheng iyon.

"I know you're dirty but—" Brandi shuddered.

"When you meet the one—"

"Shut up."

"'Wag mo na kasing basahin, Beh. Delete mo na lang."

She shushed her and continued reading. Maya-maya ay ngumiti ito. Malapad na ngiti, mukhang natuwa sa binasa.

"Wow. For the first time in your life, you finally said no to a man and kept your first answer."

Ngumuso siya. "Tapos hindi man sya umangal. He was okay with it."

"Oo. Gago sya, e."

"H-He was... fucking... okay with it," she repeated, her lips quivering. Her shoulders began shaking again, as another batch of fresh tears fall.

Pinanuod lamang siya ng kaibigan habang umiiyak.

She couldn't even finish the damn slice of pizza. Parang mas masarap umiyak. She cried until her head ached. She cried until her eyes hurt.

Brandi got up. Akala niya ay yayakap ito sa kanya, pero dumiretso ito sa ref. Kinuha nito ang ice cream mula roon at pabagsak na inilagay sa harapan niya. Kumuha na rin ito ng kutsara.

"The ice cream helps to momentarily numb your senses. Best case scenario, it will give you brain freeze, which will make you think of nothing else but that tingling sensation in your brain."

Tinanggal nito ang takip at saka nag-scoop. Iniumang nito sa kanya ang kutsara.

"You deserve to be numb for a while."

"It's too much pain to have to bear

To love a man you have to share"

https://youtu.be/zPG1n1B0Ydw