Jakoby

Ruby's chasing me out into the hallway and down towards the staircase, but I don't turn back. My heart is racing and I'm pissed, fucking angry, but also I'm wrecked inside. How could she do this? Why would she do this now? She promised me less than a week ago that she wasn't interested in Garrett, and that she wanted to be with me. She had sex with me two nights ago.

   "Jakoby, please," she calls out, sobbing at the same time.

I can't stand to hear her so sad, but this is her fault. All of this. I still don't turn back as I push open the door to the stairs and keep going. She's still following me.

    "Jakoby! That was... I didn't mean for this..."

Finally, I stop. Against my better judgement, I turn back and look at her. 

"How could you do this?" I ask, just to see the pain in her eyes. "All this time... you said 'jump' and I was like 'how high?'"

Her expression changes slightly. She's embarrassed and confused and broken. I can't stand the look on her face so I look away.

"I never asked you to do that Jakoby! I never told you that I was -"

"What? Available? You sure as fuck made it seem like you were. When you kissed me, at the bar.  When you went on dates with me, and kissed me in the movie theatre. When you said I made you feel things that you've never felt before." I say all of this while looking straight ahead. She's behind me.

   "You did. You do," she sounds quietly, through tears.

I wish I could believe her now.

"So, what? Garrett is just better, then?" I snap in anger. "How long has this been happening?"

   "No," she says plainly. "It's not... it's just... he just..."

I want to let her explain herself, but she's already doing a really bad job.

"I never thought Garrett would do this," she finally says.

Her words hit me so hard right in the chest that I turn away again. I keep walking, down the second stair case. I want to get away from her. But I also want answers. How could this have happened? When I stop by the door, I fall against the wall and look at her again.

"A few days ago... you promised me. You said you didn't have feelings for him."

"I didn't. I don't," she says quickly.

I squeeze my eyes shut and all I can see is his hands up her shirt. Fuck.

"Right. So because he said he wants you now, I'm second choice?" I spit out.

"No. Jakboy, I didn't mean for any of this -"

   "Really, Ruby?  I left my best friend's birthday party to come and walk you home, last week. I would have walked through fire to get to you that night, because you said you needed me."

She drops her head just as I see more tears forming in her eyes. I know this hurts her. But she's been selfish and she needs to know how I'm feeling now. I can't believe she was kissing him.

"A few days ago... you said you wanted to be with me."

"I do."

I want to believe her. I want to, but how the fuck could I now?

"You just had your tongue in his fucking mouth, Ruby!" I yell, and she winces.

She's staring right at me, gathering her thoughts. It takes a minute. "Garrett gets me. He knows I'm fucked up from what happened to me and -"

I push open the door to outside but she's right behind me. As I lean against the outside wall, she is still in the doorway. I want to leave. I should leave, after what she just said. But I can't, because I care about this girl so damn much.

"What happened to you, Ruby? You've been acting like we're together for the last couple of weeks. This last week was so amazing, but then you won't even tell me about the bad things that happened to you."

"Because you don't get it," she snaps.

   "You don't get it, Ruby. You've never asked about my past, either. Do you think you're the only one who had a shitty life?" I yell this at her because I'm very frustrated, that image of her on the counter, his hands on her still fresh in my mind.

I take a few steps and then stop again. This isn't going to end well and now I'm frustrated with her. It's not her fault, I know that. She's confused. But I'm hurt. Because seeing her with Garrett tonight just about killed me. I wanted to make love to her tonight and ask her to be my girlfriend. I wanted to hear her say that she's mine. Instead, I walked in on her wrapped around her roommate.

No, Ruby and I were never really together, not yet. But we were getting there. She was finally letting me into her world, and yes, she made the first move when she kissed me after my gig. And last weekend when she pushed me against the bus stop after that party and kissed me. She was still drunk when I took her home and even though I could have stayed and slept with her that night, I didn't. A few days ago, she promised she wanted to be with me. She had sex with me. Shit, I should have seen this coming.

"So, tell me," she finally says, her voice so quiet. "I told you that you and I were too different. I said I've been through more shit than any average person. You never once brought up anything about your past."

I turn back to her but I can't answer. She was about five minutes away from having sex with Garrett just now and I was coming here to ask her to be my girlfriend, for real. My world feels broken. I can't tell her about my parents, now. I can't tell her that my dad left us when I was ten and moved away to find a better life. I can't tell her that my mom was depressed for the next ten years and I had to take care of her and myself for all those years that followed. I definitely can't tell her that she killed herself just over a year ago.

"I have to go," I tell Ruby now, turning away from her again.

She pushes off the wall and walks, fast, towards me. She grabs my arm, holding me in place.

"My dad abused my mom for ten years. Physically, sexually. When I was about six, he started on me. He threatened us and told my mom if she told anyone, he'd kill us. I was nine when my mom saw my dad hurting me and she lost it. She smashed a heavy statue over his head and he got knocked out and then she hit him repeatedly with it. When she knew he was dead... she called the cops. And then I never saw either of my parents again."

I knew her story was bad. I knew she grew up in foster care and she and Ryan were separated when they were eleven and twelve. But this is the first time I'm hearing the details about the night her life really changed. She kept this from me.

And my heart breaks into a million pieces. Why? Would would this happen to anyone, let alone this amazing girl that I've fallen in love with over the last two months?

My sob story isn't nearly as horrific as hers, so I just stare at her in disbelief. She's crying, hard, and just staring at me - wanting me to say something, anything - but I don't. I should wrap my arms around her and tell her I'm sorry for everything that ever happened to her, but I don't. And then she turns and is going back to the door, to go inside. She's just about gone. I should follow her. I want to. But I can't. I need to give her space and I need some myself. That was all too much, tonight. And if I see Garrett, I have no idea what I will do to him. So I let Ruby go.

I walk home as if there's no world around me. I feel broken, shattered. Devastated. I feel like I lost her, just like that. But I need her. And I just don't know what the hell happens next.

*

  I wake up to my phone going crazy. There's a few missed calls and a tons texts. What the hell?
   
   I answer the phone when I see it's Ruby calling and then I notice that it's 2A.M. What is going on?

"What the hell did you do?" It's not Ruby's voice. I'm confused.

   "What?" I ask, barely awake. "Who is this?"

"Last night after I left. What did you say to her?" It's Garrett. Finally I can tell it's him.

  "We just had an argument and I left. I—"

"She's in a coma. We're at the hospital."

   "What?"

"She took a bunch of sleeping pills at some point. I came back at midnight and looked in her room because the door was open and she was unconscious with puke all around her," Garrett goes on.

  "Jesus. No." This can't be real.

"Honestly... I think you should stay away for a while, Jakoby," he tells me.

Asshole. He got caught not only cheating on his girlfriend but with my - almost - girlfriend. He's telling me to stay away? Ruby is everything to me. There's no way I'm staying away. Everything that happened is still so fresh but she's in the hospital. She needs me.

"I love her," I tell Garrett, surprising myself.

   "She could have died. And she did this because of whatever you said to her," he accuses me.

"You don't think it could be your fault? You've been stringing her along for years and then you confused her by telling her you want her-"

  "Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything." He's angry now.

   "I do. I know a hell of a lot. And I know that she needs you to really let her go. Do you really think you've been fair to her? She was so close to really opening up and letting me in, being with me, and she dropped me and went back to you the second you said you wanted her." I'm assuming most of this. She hasn't really told me, but I'm putting the pieces together.

   "We have a history, and it's a lot deeper than anything you can imagine. That girl is my heart. Don't tell me I should let her go. It's not possible," Garrett shoots back.

   "You decided you wanted her again only when she was finally happy, with me. You are messing her up, Garrett."

  "Fuck you," he finishes and ends the car.

Shit.

I need Ruby to be okay. I lay awake until 7A.M. and then I get up, shower, get dressed and walk to the hospital. It takes thirty minutes and now that's it's really winter, I regret walking. I should have called an Uber. My feet are numb as I go into the ER.. and walk up to the desk.

The lady looks up at me and narrows her eyes. I likely look drunk or high or something. She can't figure me out.

   "Can I help you?"

    "Yes. Please. I need to get to the ICU waiting room," I tell her.

    "Um, I'm sorry,  if you're not family they wont let you in."

    "She doesn't have  family. I'm her..." I almost say boyfriend, but that was never true. "I need to get in there and see if they'll let me see her."

    "Who is in the ICU that you're wondering about? I can call up-"

   "Can you just tell me how to get up there?" I interrupt.

   "It's the fourth floor, you can ask at the desk. But only family will be let in," the woman finishes.

I don't even hear the rest of her words because I'm headed for the elevator.