Jakoby

I've been sitting in the ICU waiting room for over an hour. Two of the phone numbers that had texted me in the middle of the night were Kaylee and Ryan, so I text them both back now. They must have gotten my number from Ruby's phone.

Nothing has set in yet. I feel like I'm in a dream. A nightmare. Or this is a big prank and Ruby's actually fine, at home. I wish that were true.

"Jakoby," I hear a man's voice, finally.

Looking up, I see Ryan walking towards me. I stand and wait for him to get closer. His face is swollen and red from crying. He's alone. I look around to make sure of that.

   "How is she?" I ask right away, standing.

"They pumped her stomach. But it had already been a few hours since it happened. They think her body is really fighting to wake up right now."

His voice is shaky and I can tell he's really scared. That's his sister in there, in a coma. Because of me. His sister he only recently got to reunite with.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry," I manage to say.

   "Why? Did you do something? We're still trying to figure out what happened. Garrett says you and her had a fight last night-"

"He didn't tell you why?" I ask, anger rolling through me again.

Ryan shakes his head and then falls into the chair beside me. I sit back down. This is not the time or the place to bring up what I caught them doing last night.

"Ruby and I had an argument last night. I left the apartment around 9P.M. Garrett said he found her at midnight..."

   "What were you fighting about? I don't know why she would do this. She was so... happy."

Yeah. She was. With me. I don't know why she'd do what she did either. What she did with Garrett, I mean.

   "I don't want to get into it here," I tell Ryan. "Can I see her?"

He shakes his head. "I don't think so. Kaylee wasn't allowed in. Garrett was here -"

"They let him in?"

   "He came with her in the ambulance. He said he was family."

If Garrett said he's family, they definitely won't let me in there to see her. All at once the tears come and I can't hold them back. I cover my face with my hands and lean over, sobbing. It's hitting me. She tried to hurt herself. She did hurt herself. I don't know if she's going to be okay. And I can't even see her.

Ryan's hand is on my back a moment later, like he can read my mind. "She's going to be okay. She has to be."

But he doesn't know that. I yelled at her. She told me her pain form her childhood. That she was abused. And I just stood there like an Idiot and let her leave. Why didn't I stop her? Why didn't I hold her when she needed me? Because I was too angry about seeing her with Garrett. I was jealous and pissed off that she would do that to me and I convinced myself we needed space and time to cool off. And now she's in a coma.

Two days pass.

  I call in sick to work the next day, Monday, and sit in the waiting room, even though they won't let me see her. Garrett comes in the morning and walks right past me and goes in to see her. He leaves again ten minutes later, without a word to me, and doesn't come back until after 6P.M.

I stay there all day. A nurse comes out to update me, twice through the day. No change. They've done all kinds of tests and her brain activity seems good. Her heart is working well. Her body is just tired. My heart is broken. She's not okay. I'm not okay.

Garrett glares at me when he comes back out after the short evening visit. He freezes at the door and turns back. My stomach tightens. I can't fight this guy right here in the ICU waiting room. Taking in a deep breath, I wait. He crosses the room so he's closer before he starts talking.

  "You should go." His eyes are so dark and he just looks sad.

I just stare at him. "No, thanks. You really shouldn't tell me what to do."

"Visiting hours are over."

   "I can't visit her anyway. Thanks to you," I spit out.

"She's in a fucking coma. Shes white as a ghost and she looks... dead. Fuck." He runs a hand through his hair and looks down at his shoes. "I know her bottle was almost full. She refilled it last week. There was like five pills in the bottle when I found her. Do you know what that means?"

I know what it means. It means she purposely took way too many sleeping pills. I don't answer him, so he keeps going.

"I know you care about her. I know you didn't do anything intentionally to hurt her. But neither did I."

I know this is true, which kills me. He wouldn't intentionally hurt her. But he was leading her on. He was keeping her there, close enough but not doing anything about it until he knew it would screw everything up for her. Maybe he didn't plan to do it this way, but he really fucked up.
   
   Finally, I find my voice. "I know that. I know you didn't mean to hurt her. But because of what happened... "

"I was so scared when I saw her there. I thought she was gone, for sure. I wasn't thinking straight that night, Jakoby. I wasn't. I had like three shots of tequila and just decided to tell her how I was feeling. And when you walked in and saw us... I saw the regret in her eyes. She chased after you, man. She picked you. So why did she do this?" He's crying and just lets the tears pour down his face, not even wiping them away.

I can't tell him that she admitted her biggest secret to me I let her walk away, so I just shrug and look down at my hands. I can't do this anymore with him. If doesn't matter now if she picked me. She still did the damage by kissing him in the first place.

Garrett takes that as me ending the conversation and he leaves, just like that. I stay for another thirty minutes before I leave, and then make the long cold walk home.

On the third day, Tuesday, I get a text from Ryan in the morning. No changes. But the doctor said all her stats are good. Brain activity is still normal. He thinks she'll wake up soon.

I want to go back and sit there and wait for her to wake up, but I can't miss work again. I text Ryan back to let me know if there's any changes and then get up and shower and go to work. The day drags on. Nothing feels right. I haven't gotten to talk to Ruby in three days.

That night - Saturday - after work, I finally worked up the courage to go and ask her to be my girlfriend. She wasn't expecting me, but I figured she'd be happy to see me. She always is. But she was on the counter and Garrett was between her legs and his tongue was in her mouth. I can't get that image out of my head.

It's an hour from the end of my work day when I get a phone call. My phone's in my bag in Doc's office and I've been working on emails and paperwork in the front room most of the day. Doc's door opens as he calls out to me.

"Jakoby! Your phone's ringing."

I snap my neck in that direction and hop up. "Sorry. Is it okay if I take it? I'm waiting to hear about something."

Doc nods and lets me in to grab my phone. I push open the door and step outside just as I answer the call.

"Ryan?"

   "It's Kaylee," a girls voice says. "Ruby's awake. We got here half an hour ago and she just opened her eyes."

"Oh my god, is she okay?" I ask quickly.

   "I think so. I can't go in, so Ryan asked me to call you."

"Thanks. I'll be there as soon as I can," I tell her.

   "Okay. Sounds good."

I end the call and go back inside the studio. Doc's at his deck and looks over me curiously as I step into his office again.

"Everything okay?" he asks, putting down his pen.

    "Uh, yeah. It's why I was not here yesterday. My girlfriend... she's in the hospital. She just woke up from a coma," I explain. The words don't really make sense as I say them.

"Oh, shit. Go, you can finish that work tomorrow," Doc says quickly.

   "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Go see her. I hopes she's okay." He nods quickly. "Jakoby, you should have told me sooner."

   "Thanks... uh... sorry," I spit out. My brain doesn't seem to be working properly.

I practically run to the hospital. The sidewalks weren't plowed last night and there's fresh snow, so it takes me longer than I'd like. But I get there and and go up the elevator and finally push open the doors to the ICU. It's like everything is moving in slow motion.

    "She's awake," Candy, the nurse, says to me right away.

"I heard. Thank you," I tell her, giving her a quick nod.

  Then I glance around the room and see Kaylee sitting on one of the chairs, to the left. She's looking at her phone. The waiting room is so quiet and so cold. There's only two other people in here.

"Hey," I begin, walking towards Kaylee.

She looks up slowly, and then it seems like she's surprised to see me. "Jakoby, hi. Ryan came out and said she's okay she's talking and everything."

Relief floods over me. "Thank god."

"I'm sure she'll want to see you. They are moving her down to a regular room soon."

My heart is pounding but my stomach drops. I've been thinking about this all day. Do I want to see her? Will she blame me for this? Does she even want to see me? "I don't know if I can."

"Why?" Kaylee looks confused.

   "We were... fighting. Arguing... the night this happened," I tell her, dropping into the chair beside her.

"You were?"

For some reason I feel like I can trust Kaylee. No one else knows this, besides Ruby and Garrett. "I walked in on her and Garrett... making out. Like... it was..." I whisper the words, even though there's no one else around us.

   "What?" Kaylee screams and then covers her mouth. "No."

"Yeah. So I walked out and Ruby followed me down and outside. We talked a bit outside but I was just so angry. She was saying how Garrett understands her and he knows what's she's been through. She's kept all that from me." I take a deep breath and look at my hands. "And then she just started telling me all this stuff that happened to her..." I can't say this part without crying again. "And I didn't know what to say. I didn't react. I was still fuming from seeing her with him. She went back inside and..."

"Oh, Jakoby. This isn't your fault."

   "Well, it is. And it's his. But I don't know how to fix this." I shake my head a few times. "And I don't know what to even say to her now."

"Do you care about her?" Kaylee wants to know. She knows I do.

   "Fuck yes. I... love her."

Kaylee's expression changes. "Okay. Then tell her that. "

   "I... can't. She's not ready to hear it." I know this is true.

"Then tell her you're here for her. Tell her you're not going anywhere."

I nod and drop my head into my hands, wiping away my tears. I don't know if I'm in the right state of mine for this today. I left work and came here as soon as I heard Ruby was awake, but now? It's all becoming so real.

Ryan comes out ten minutes later, smiling. He walks right over to us and pulls his girlfriend into a hug. He looks so different from when I saw him two days ago.

"She's going to be okay," he says, like he just wants to hear it again.

Ryan's only really known her as long as I have, except that they grew up together until he was eleven. A lot happened in the past ten years to Ruby, though.

"I'm so glad," Kaylee says as she pulls away from him and looks at me.

   "They're moving her to down to a regular room tonight. She'll have to stay for monitoring until tomorrow. And... they have a psychologist that's going to go in and talk to her," Ryan explains.

Psychologist. Because she tried to hurt herself. My heart is pounding and I can't stop thinking about how she must be feeling now. Even after all of this, my heart still aches for her.

"Garrett called," Kaylee tells Ryan. "He said he'll be up soon."

Ryan nods and then glances at me but I look away. I can't be here when he gets here. I can't face Garrett again. I haven't even wrapped my head around the fact that Ruby cheated on me, Garrett cheated on Bet and I'm still here, hoping she still wants to see me. I need to tell her I'm sorry for letting her walk away after our fight. After that if she doesn't want to see me again, I'll have to deal with that.

"I'm going to go," I spit out, standing up quickly.

   "We can all go see her in about thirty minutes, when they move her-" Ryan goes on, but I stop him, by stepping away.

"I can't. I just... I don't know think I have it in me. What if she-"

   "Jakoby, you've been here every day since this happened. I know it's hard but you have to-"

"I'll come tomorrow. I'll talk to her then." I spin around and start walking across the waiting room.

   "Jakoby," Kaylee says loudly. I stop. "I'll tell her you were here."

Without replying, I push through the door and get the fuck out of there.

I cry all the way home. It's so damn cold that I only get three blocks away and end up calling David to pick me up. I haven't really told any of them what's been going on. Johnny knows, though I haven't been at the apartment much at all since Sunday morning. But my face is red and there's still tears on my face when I get into David's truck.

"Dude. What's wrong?" he wants to know.

I shake my head and look out the side window. "Don't."

"Alright. I'm here if you want to talk, okay?"

I don't want to talk. When we get back to the apartment I go directly to the bathroom and take a hot shower. I stay in there for so long that the water cools down. Then I throw on my clothes again and toss myself onto the couch. David and Topher are both home but they avoid talking to me. I can't focus. I am mad at myself for leaving the hospital but I knew it wouldn't go well if I stayed and Garrett showed up. When I talked to him, two days ago, he basically tried to blame me again. It's not fair that he gets to go see her tonight, but I made the choice to stay away.

Tomorrow 'll tell her I'm sorry. Tomorrow might end it all, but at least she's okay.