Ruby

The next few days go by and it all feels like a dream.

Jakoby brings flowers when he picks me up the next day. He's borrowing another roommate's car this time, and it's nice and clean inside. It smells like vanilla. We go to the bowling alley across town and it's the most fun, silly, date ever. I mean, it's amazing. We barely make it through the one game of bowling because we're laughing so hard at how horrible we are. I tell him it's my first time bowling and he's not surprised, not even a little bit. I think he likes doing all these "firsts" with me.

The next day, we end up walking around downtown together, holding hands, window shopping. We don't even go into any shops, and that's okay. We walk past the spot where he was playing a song that day that I was getting cat food. The day I gave him my number. The day that changed it all. He stops in the same spot and pulls me close, and kisses me hard.

"This is our spot," he whispers into my ear.

"I thought the coffee shop was our spot," I say, teasing him.

"This is our other spot." He laughs.

I love the kind of relationship we have. Maybe it's not "official" but it's so right and special. I'm more myself than I have been in a long time, with him. I know he's comfortable enough to be silly and tease me, too. It's easy. It's good. It's what I was missing in my life over the last two years.

*

I'm at home the next evening when Garrett comes in, alone, and avoids my eyes. I don't know where he was or why he looks nervous, but I force a smile anyway.

I've been pretty preoccupied with Jakoby and work and everything over the last week that I haven't seen Garrett much, since the party. That's a good thing. I don't want to talk about it with him. I don't really want to talk about anything with him. It was a turning point and me leaving that party was my way of telling him there's no going back. He's been spending a lot more time out of the apartment this week, too.

I get up from the couch where I've been watching a rom com and go to the kitchen to get a snack, a little while later. Garrett was in the living room but just staring at his phone, and now he follows me to the kitchen. He leans back onto the counter and stays quiet for a few minutes. I glance at him as I pour some pretzels into a bowl. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach.

It's Saturday and I worked until 7P.M. Jakoby had to stay at the studio late again - even though he rarely works Saturdays - so he's not even home yet. He said he'll call me tonight. I can't wait hear his voice. We have plans tomorrow night, to go back to the little movie theatre again. I'm so looking forward to it.

Garrett is too quiet, now, as he watches me pour the pretzels into a bowl. He keeps his eyes on me as I grab some water from the fridge. When I turn back to head back to the living room, he stops me.  His eyes are bright and filled with something that I don't recognize. He runs a hand through his hair and takes in a deep breath.

"Can we hang out tonight?" he asks, almost casually.

"Um, sure. You've been home for an hour and you haven't even talked to me yet," I accuse him, but it comes out harsher than I meant for it to be.

"Yeah, because... I've been trying to..."

"What?" I ask, but I'm really not sure I want the answer now.

"Ru... I'm so confused." He shakes his head like he's trying to gather his thoughts. "Ever since last weekend at that party... I've been trying to figure out how to tell you..."

I wait. Somehow, I know what's coming. I want to run and slam my bedroom door so I don't have to hear it. I should be pushing past him to get away. But I just stay there and wait for him to go on.

"I want you. I want us back."

I shake my head, fast. "No. You don't get to do this."

"Ruby." His voice is filled with pain and sadness and desperation. "I've never stopped loving you. I've never stopped wanting you."

I step back, pushing myself against the counter. "I'm with Jakoby. You're with Bet. Why the hell do you think this is a good idea?"

"I never cared about Bet like I care about you. I am with her because I needed a distraction from you, and-"

"Garrett, stop. I can't do this. Not now." I'm trying to be as assertive as I can, but I never talk to him like this. "It's not fair. A year ago, I would have died for this. Even a few months ago. But not now."

Garrett sighs and runs a hand through his hair again. He steps forward but then back again, leaning onto the counter with his hand. "Please, Ruby. You know we are meant to be together. We are so good-"

My stomach drops. I have never felt so confused. All I wanted for so long was for Garrett to tell me that he really wanted me, but he didn't. He changed his mind, he moved on. I have moved on, finally. Things are going so good with Jakoby. He can't be doing this now.

Garrett steps closer again and pulls me against his body. He's so familiar. His smell, his warmth. He's looking at me with the most intense look. I know I should push him away now, so why can't I? Am I afraid of what will happen to our friendship if I do? Am I too weak to tell him I don't want him anymore?

"G..."

"I know. But just... let's just..." He's running his hand up and down my back. His other hand is at my face, holding me in place.

"I'm with Jakoby," I say again, forcing myself to think about him now. I can't do this. I can't hurt Jakoby.

"Not really, right? You're not serious about him, are you?" Garrett asks, only pulling away a little bit. He looks into my eyes for the answers. "Have you even had sex with him?"

This is how I get Garrett to pull away. I tell Garrett that I have had sex with Jakoby. In this very apartment. C'mon, Ruby. Say it. But it doesn't feel like my brain is connected to my mouth now, because I can't say it. Why don't I want Garrett to know that I had sex with Jakoby?

"See? You've been waiting for me." His words cut through me like a knife. I was waiting for him, for a really long time. But not now.

"Garrett, no-"

"Okay. If you don't want to... I'll leave." He steps back. He's not going to force anything on me, I know that. He would never. He knows I've had my share of that happening to me. But I feel cold and empty now that he's not touching me. I don't want to hurt Garrett, either. All I've ever wanted was to be enough for him.

I need to turn and walk away, but I don't. I just stand there staring at him. He's breathing heavily and he's looking at me like he wants to do everything I ever wanted with him. But I don't want that now.

"You're not walking away," he says, and comes close again. "Why aren't you walking away?"

I feel frozen in place because my mind is so fucked up and then - suddenly - he's kissing me. My brain shuts off completely and he scoops me up and places me on the counter and leans in, kissing me harder. I kiss him back - why am I kissing him back? - and my hands are in his hair, rough and pulling it, and my heart is beating so fast. It's too much. It's not right, but it feels right, for a second. When his hands go to my shirt and start pulling it up, I suck in a breath.

Jakoby.  No, I can't do this.

I'm a split second away from pulling back and pushing Garrett off of me. I know that kiss was wrong. I know that because I feel guilty as hell.

And then the apartment door is swinging open and I freeze, knowing exactly what is about to happen. Our eyes meet for a split second but it feels like two minutes.

"What the fuck?" Jakoby's voice is deep and rough and angry.

I push Garrett away and pull my shirt down and hop off the counter, but it's not fast enough. I call for Jakoby, but he's already gone.