Jakoby

This girl that I'm somehow still in love with even after all of this, is right here across from me, at the coffee shop that we made ours. She told me everything that she was keeping from me, and it doesn't make me hate her. Even the fact that she kissed Garrett a week ago doesn't make me hate her. I'm not sure I ever could.

I understand her now better than ever.

"I want to move out," she tells me, her eyes locked on mine in that way that I love. "I have no where to go, besides Canton. But I don't want to live with Garrett anymore." She tightens her hands around her coffee cup. She's thought this through.

"Canton?" I ask, because it hits me that she's talking about moving away from Youngstown.

This is the first time I'm getting to see her in almost a week and she's telling me that she's leaving? I've only just realized that I still want to be with her. I guess I knew I wasn't going to just walk away. That's not me. But I wasn't sure what any of this would mean for us. And now she might be leaving town?

"I could stay with Ryan and Kaylee for awhile. But I'd lose my job at the museum. And I'd be an hour away," she goes on, her eyes dropping down to the table.

    "Is that what you want?" I ask her.

"I don't know." Ruby takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "I want to get away from Garrett and truly be on my own for the first time," she explains, and this makes perfect sense, too.

She needs this change. Her continuing to live with him out of convenience is really not healthy for her. She's taking a big step, even talking about this with me. She must have been thinking about this all week.

"I don't want you to be an hour away, but I would understand," I tell her, tapping my fingers on the table gently.

   "You still want to be friends?" she wants to know, her voice shaky.     Our eyes meet again.

"Friends? We're not friends, Ruby," I tell her without really thinking.

    "We're not?" She looks confused.

I reach across and grab her hands with mine. "No."

She melts into me, releasing some of her built up stress and pain and fear. It's like she can't believe what I'm saying but she wants to, so bad. I guess she really thought it was over between us. I thought that, too, until I woke up this morning.

"You think I'd just walk away from you now?"  I ask, honestly curious.

Ruby shrugs. "I wasn't sure. I know what I did was so stupid and... you deserve better than that."

   "That's not the way it works, Ruby. I can't walk away from you. Because I'm invested. When I put myself into something, I need to see it through." I sigh and close my eyes for a second.  "I admit when I saw you and him... I thought maybe that was it for us. But I know we met for a reason. We've been through a lot already and... it's not over. Not even close."

"It's not?" she asks quietly, afraid to say it out loud.

I just stand up and go around to her side of the table. I pull at her hand until she's standing in front of me. The coffee shop's not really busy but it's not a ghost town, either. I am holding my breath as I raise my hands to either side of her face and our eyes connect.

"I love you, Ruby. I was coming to your place that night to tell you that, and to tell you I want you to be my girlfriend, for real." Saying this now to her feels so right, even though I know it should have happened last week before any of this could have happened.

   "You were?" Her voice is still quiet and shaky. "You... still want that?"

I grin and press my forehead against hers. "I still want that."

"Oh my god, Jakoby. I don't deserve you." She wraps her arms around my body so tight and we mold together once again.

*

"So, you want to know about my past?" I ask her, a couple hours later.

We are walking hand in hand down the street, up by my apartment. Even though it's a snowy day, everything feels better because I've got her by my side. We've been walking for a long time, but it's like time doesn't matter today.

"Of course," she tells me, and I wonder if she's thinking about how I told her that night that she's not the only one with a shitty life.

   "I was ten, when my dad left. He was a musician and he just decided to leave Akron and go somewhere he could make money playing music," I begin.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry." She looks over at me but I keep looking straight ahead.

"I'm an only child and my mom didn't take it well. She was really dependent on him and when he left... she got depressed. I had to take care of her and myself for a long time," I explain.

"You were just a kid," Ruby says.

   "Yeah. She was in and out of hospital for a year or so... when I was twenty, and a few times before that. She kept saying she'd rather die than live this life. They had her on suicide watch but she convinced them she was getting better. Taking her depression medication, and all that."

I can tell she  knows where this is going. Her expression changes.

   "I got home from work one day a bit over a year ago... and she had overdosed. She left me a note." These words are hard to say, but I need to say them.

"Oh my god, Jakoby," Ruby breathes out. "No."

She looks at me with the saddest look but I force a smile at her. We're still walking as if we aren't having this very serious conversation at the same time.

"The note said she loved me but her life was meaningless. She said I'd be better off without her."

Tears well behind Ruby's eyelids as the realization hits her. She did this, too. She overdosed. Not to kill herself, but to numb her pain. Thank god Garrett did go back to the apartment that night, or else she might have died, too. Her realizing now how this impacting me is... obvious.

"Jakoby..."

  "It's okay. She was in a lot of pain for a long time," I say, ignoring the rest for now. "But yeah. I moved here a few weeks after she died, to start over."

"I'm so sorry. I can't believe I... you must have been so angry at me for taking those pills..." she says, squeezing my hand.

It was less than a week ago. It's still so fresh in my mine. I was upset when I heard that she overdosed, but I was more concerned about her than mad at her. I shrug and squeeze her hand tighter. "I was afraid I was going to lose you, too."

I hear her sob and stop walking to wipe her tears with my thumb. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Jakoby... I love you," she tells me, suddenly.

My eyes go wide. "Really?"

"Yes. So much. I should have told you that day when we were walking on the trail. I wanted to. Or when we had sex at the apartment. I..." She's still crying, but now it's a mix of emotions.

   "It's okay. Love is hard. I knew I loved you a long time ago, But you needed more time to trust me. To let me in," I tell her.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close to my body. Her hands come up and hold my back, so we are so close. I can feel her heart beating against my chest. Yesterday, I wasn't sure this would even happen. Now, I've never been more thankful for a hug.

Ruby pulls away and looks up at me. There's still some fresh tears on her cheeks. I can tell she has something to say, so I reach for her hand and we start walking again. I'll give her time. I won't rush her.

We're just outside my apartment building when she stops and takes in a breath. "I might have loved Garrett, but that was infatuated love. It was necessary love. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him, because I'd have nothing without him," she tells me.

We are just standing there, holding each other's hands. I'm waiting because I know she's not done yet.

"When he told me we couldn't be together anymore, I thought it was the end of my world. But he was really helping me. Jakoby, I needed this last year year to find myself. I needed to work, do some things on my own, and because of that job, I got to reconnect with Ryan. And I got to meet you," she finishes.

"I'm forever grateful for that. You working at the museum. Me, going there that evening on a date," I say, then lean in and rub my nose against her cheek. "We met for a reason. Admit it."

"You really believe that?" she asks me, smiling.

"Of course I do." I pull her closer and kiss her, just a quick kiss on her lips. "Even if you're moving to Canton... be my girlfriend?"

"I've never really been anyone's girlfriend," she admits, and then laughs at the look on my face.

"Be mine," I say again, practically begging.

"Okay. Yes." Her smiles is all I need, but the verbal agreement is good, too.