Ruby

Jakoby isn't texting me back.

It was plea for forgiveness. It was all I could give him. Everything hurts. I'm angry and sad but what I'm not is confused. I thought things were clear the night of the party, when he walked me home and tucked me in. I thought my head was clear a few days later when we had sex. But it wasn't. There was still some lingering uncertainty. If there wasn't, I would have told Garrett to fuck off. I would have pushed him away and told him there was no way anything was going to happen between us. But I let him kiss him. I kissed him back. I fucked up.

Garrett's been giving me space since I came home from the hospital. I'm still off work until Saturday but he went to work and he went out after work and didn't come back until I was in my room for the night. We haven't talked since yesterday afternoon, when he picked me up from the hospital. Even then, we barely talked. I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go, and right now I don't know if I will ever talk to Garrett again. I don't know how we can live together. I don't know if I can forgive him.

I might have lost Jakoby, the best thing that happened to me in a long time, because of him.

The next morning, I wake up to my phone buzzing. I'm groggy and when my eyes open, I reach for my phone and unplug it. I don't expect to see Jakoby's name across the screen. It feels like a dream.

One new text message.

Can we talk?

I don't think. I don't wait or even ponder this for one second. I just type back.

Yes. When and where?

I look out the window as I wait for his reply. It's snowing hard. I don't even care. At this moment I'd walk through a blizzard to see him.

Jakoby: An hour? At the coffee shop.

He wants to meet at our coffee shop? Where we got to knew each other. Where I realized he was exactly what I needed in my life. Where I started to feel like myself again.

Me: Okay. I'll be there.

It'll take me at least fifteen minutes to walk in this weather. I'm still in bed at the moment, so I have about forty minutes to get up and get ready. I fly out of bed and tumble down to the bathroom. I take a five minute shower and then get dressed and head to the kitchen. Thank God Garrett's at work. I make a coffee and chug it back before brushing out my hair. I still look and feel like a hallow shell of a person. I've felt this way since I woke up in the hospital three days ago.
   
   But today Jakoby wants to talk.

I put on my coat and boots and scarf and leave the apartment, my stomach in knots. The walk is actually peaceful, my brain silent. I can't change what will happen. I'm grateful he's even wanting to see me. Since all of this happened, I don't even want to see myself.

He's already sitting at our table when I go into the cafe. That's a good sign. He didn't pick a random table. He's at ours. There's two coffees on the table and a cookie, split in half. My heart skips a beat.

His face looks solemn. He doesn't smile at me or even stand up when I approach the table, so I pull out the chair and sit down across from him. I can't read him and I hate it. I can usually read him.

"Hey, you look good," he says, still not giving me any smile or really changing his serious face.

"Thanks. I'm feeling better," I say, and the massive elephant in the room  is basically sitting right there on our table.

"Coffee and half a cookie?" he offers, and then I catch a tiny smile. He hides it again as quickly as it came, but I saw it.

"Thanks, Jakoby."

I drag the coffee on my side a bit closer to me and wrap my hands around the paper cup. I didn't have time to make a coffee before the long, snowy walk here, so this is perfect. He's watching me, his button lip between his teeth, while I take a sip.

This is technically the first time we've seen each other in almost a week. It's already Friday. I go back to work tomorrow. This is the longest we've gone without seeing each other since we met.

"So... I got your text the other night. I just..." he begins.

"It's okay. I wasn't sure you'd reply at all, honestly," I say, not looking at him.

"Ruby... I was there, at the hospital, every day. I was there all day on Sunday and I went back on Monday and-"

"I know. I heard." I give him a smile but he doesn't return it.

"It was like I couldn't stay away, I had to know that you were going to be okay... but then when Ryan told me you were awake and talking and you'd be okay... I just left. I couldn't force myself to stay."

I don't like where this is going, but I swallow hard and nod.

"I don't blame you for not staying, Jakoby."

"I went to work and I wrote some angry songs and I couldn't focus at all, because I just missed you so damn much," he goes on.

"You did?" I ask, surprised. As I look up, he's got his eyes on me.

He nods, and then takes in a deep breath and lets it out agonizingly slow. "I was so angry that night."

"I know. I can say I'm sorry a million times, but I know it's not going to fix anything. But what I can do... is try to explain," I say, and hope he at least lets me try.

Since yesterday, I've been putting together in my head what I was going to say, if Jakoby did text me back. If he chose to see me again. Now I have a chance. I have to make sure knows that that kiss with Garrett was meaningless, to me. It wasn't planned.

"Explain?" he asks me, then sips his coffee as if this doesn't faze him at all.

"Garrett and I... it was more than just friends and roommates. He saved me, when I was eighteen. He pulled me out of the darkest time of my life and he gave me a reason to live. He somehow moved me into his foster family's house when I was living in a shelter." I'm talking fast and there's so much I want to say. So much I should have already told him.     He's listening, waiting. "He made me feel like I mattered. He was the first person in ten years who showed me any sort of love. And I fell for him, hard.  I was young and I thought I needed someone to love me that way. He made me believe there are good men out there, not just men who hurt girls."

I have tears in my eyes but I know I have to keep going. 

   "Being sexually abused as a little girl - by my father - and a teenager in foster care really fucked me up. I couldn't even be in the same room as a man without thinking they might hurt me. Garrett... he sort of fixed me, that way."

I pause and Jakoby uses this chance to speak. "So, what happened between you two?"

I know he's not going to want to hear this, but I have to tell him now. "I was eighteen and he was twenty and I told him that I loved him. He sort of freaked out because he didn't want me to get in trouble with the foster family, so he moved out. He got the apartment we live in now."   I take in a deep breath before saying the rest. "I ended up moving in with him a bit before I turned nineteen. For a few months, we were together. I mean... you know..."

Jakoby sucks in a sharp breath. He wasn't expecting me to tell him that we had sex, or that we were in the relationship. He lowers his eyes to the table and waits.

   "But Garrett eventually just ended it. He said we couldn't keep doing that and it was better for me to heal without all the attachment I had to him. We continued living together. We just became best friends."

Jakoby looks up again. "Just like that? You went from fucking to best friends?"

   "It took a few weeks of awkwardness and we had to figure out our new places in each other lives... but yeah. I mean, he broke my heart when he ended it. But I came to the realization it was for the best," I go on.

   "You know, I wish you'd told me all of this a long time ago. I didn't know you guys were so... close." Jakoby sips his coffee and is just staring at the table.

"Yeah. I should have told you. But I didn't want that to affect how you felt about me," I admit. "And nothing happened between us since then. Until he saw that I was happy with you. I should have known he would do this, but I didn't. I thought he was happy with Bet."

   "It's not your fault, Ruby."  These words surprise me. Of course it's my fault.

"Maybe not entirely. But I still... I gave in to him. I should pushed him away and told him to fuck off and... I didn't." I look up to see he's looking at me now, finally. "He said he's been in love with me this whole time. Can you believe that?"

  "Yes." Jakoby says this fast and with a straight face.

My eyes go wide. "Well, I didn't know. I swear."

"I don't want to talk about Garrett anymore." Jakoby says this so seriously that I nod right away. "I'm so sorry I didn't know what to say when you told me about you being abused. I should have-"

    "Jakoby, no. I shouldn't have spit it out at you right then. It was just me trying to somehow have an excuse for what I did. It's not an excuse. I knew better and I still allowed it to happen. I was about to stop it. I was going to tell him that it was totally inappropriate but-"

"I walked in."

   "Yeah."

Jakoby sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I forgive you. I understand what was going through your head, Ruby. You didn't want to hurt him by pushing him away, because he saved you."

"You forgive me?" I ask, and it's almost a whisper.

   "I mean... yeah. I don't know how I feel about everything now. I don't know where we go from here, but... I forgive you."

I really wasn't expecting this. I was expecting him to want an explanation. I was expecting him to walk away after I told him the truth about everything. But he's still here, right across the table from me at our coffee shop. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or a week from now, but today I feel like I'm okay.