Jakoby

She's wearing a white top that has sort of puffy short sleeves and it doesn't even cover her stomach. Her jeans are fitted but look well loved. Her hair is down and I think she's wearing some make up. Yes, I was attracted to her the first time I saw her. Yes, I stared at her as often as I could, even though I was on a date. But this is more than physical attraction. Seeing her does something to me - deep in my gut - and I'm left speechless at the door to her apartment, Saturday evening.

"Hey, come on in," she says, and she seems pretty comfortable. Not as nervous as I feel, anyway.

I follow her inside the apartment and let the door shut behind me. It's an nice place. Way bigger than where I live. There's a large open living area and I can see the kitchen, off to the left a bit. There's two sofas and a long table in front of the TV.

"How was your day?" she asks me, leading me over to the sofa. I still haven't said a word.

   "Good. Yeah, well, I just went and played at the market downtown for a couple hours," I answer, and then lower myself onto the couch after she does.

"Oh. How was it?" she wants to know. "Not too cold?"

I shake my head. "It wasn't too bad this afternoon. I dressed warm. The market was busy so I did pretty well."

She smiles and looks away for a second, past me, and then adjusts a bit and meets my eyes again.

"Hey! You must be Jakoby!" Suddenly a girl who looks the same age as Ruby is crossing the room and stops in front of me. She's thin with jet-black hair. "I'm Bet. It's short for Bethany, but I hate that name."

    "Hi," I begin, even though I'm a bit confused as to who she is. I thought Ruby's roommate was a dude.

"It's so nice to finally put a face to a name, you know? Ruby's been talking about you for so long, and..." The girl glances at Ruby and then stops talking. She bites her bottom lip and then smiles at me again. "Uh, anyway, I'm Garrett's girlfriend."

Oh, so this is the roommate's girlfriend. Okay.

"It's nice to meet you, too," I reply and then I notice Ruby's gaze is on something else behind me.

Turning a bit, I see a tall, muscular guy with dark hair and green eyes coming towards us, from the kitchen. He's holding two large bowls and he's forcing a smile. Once he's placed the bowls on the table near us, he turns right towards me.

"Hey." His deep voice is somewhat intimidating but I smile and reach out my hand towards him.

"Hey, I'm Jakoby."

"Garrett."

I expect this guy, who Ruby has told me is protective of her, to stare me down or say something about treating her right or some other shit like that, but he doesn't. He just smiles and shakes my hand. And then we go on with our evening.

I drink two beers and mostly just enjoy being there, with Ruby. Sure, I live with three guys but we don't hang out like this, almost ever. They are all busy with their lives. I'm not even there that much. This is fun. There's a movie on but we don't really watch it, it's more like background noise. Bet insists we play a few rounds of Uno, which I've never played before. I'm not good at it or I just don't have good luck, but I don't care. Seeing Ruby laugh and watching her interact with her friends and with me, it's the best feeling.

I fill up on chips and pretzels and it's after 10P.M. when Garrett gets up and announces he and Bet are going to "leave us alone". They both wave before disappearing down a hallway, where I assume the bedrooms are.

I notice that Ruby watches them until they are totally out of sight and then she lets out a breath she'd been holding in. She seems a bit tense, but when her eyes meet mine again, she forces a smile.

"That went well," I say , trying to break the silence that just doesn't sit well with me.

She nods right away. "Totally."

It's still not her real smile. I can already tell the difference. She reaches over and shoves her hand into the bowl of cheese puffs and then pops one into her mouth. She's trying to act cool, but something is wrong, I can tell.

"How long have they been together?" I ask, leaning back a bit into the couch.

Ruby's close to me but not too close. Her eyes snap back towards the hallway where Garrett and Bet went, then back to me. She's trying hard to keep a casual expression.

"Awhile, I guess," she says, then nods. "They've been friends for a year."

Something still feels tense about all of this now, but I shake it off. I'd love to stay and spend more time with her, but it sort of feels like she's shutting down on me. I wish I could jus task her about it, but I do not think we are there yet.

"Well, I should go. I think I'm going to walk, instead of paying for an Uber," I tell her a few minutes later.

Ruby's expression softens. The happy girl that I saw playing Uno is back. "I could drive you."

"You sure?"

    "Yeah. Let's go." She stands up and swipes some keys off a small table by the door.

I don't know if she can't wait to get me out of there or if she just wants to leave the apartment herself, but she's anxious to go.

"Garrett seems nice. He smiled at me a bunch. It doesn't seem like he wants to fight me," I say with a smile, as we walk towards the same white car she took me home in last weekend.

"He won't fight you," she says. "He was being nice. It was sort of weird."

    "I mean That's good, right? And he's huge. And I'm... not, so... I'm glad he doesn't want to fight me."

Ruby smiles, knowing I'm kidding. "Thanks for coming," she says, unlocking the car.

I open the passenger door and slip in, immediately smelling some cologne and a cherry air freshener "Yeah, of course. It was fun."

"Yeah." She starts the car and then glances at me.

I smile again and she returns it. When we are alone again, she's exactly how I remember her at the coffee shop. She seems more relaxed. Her smile seems more genuine. The evening went well overall but Ruby didn't seem like herself near the end.

I don't say much on the ten minute drive to my apartment. It's warm in the car and I have a lot I want to say, but I stay quiet. When she pulls up in front of the building, my stomach hallows. I really like being near this girl and I need to tell her that.

"So... can I see you again? Maybe... just us?"

She turns to me as she pushes the car into park. Some of her dark hair fall over her shoulder as she says, "I can come down and listen to you play outside the mall if you tell me when?"

"Well. Actually, I didn't tell you, but... I signed a contract for the bar that I played at. They want me to play twice a month, for now. It's kind of a big deal," I tell her.

    "Oh, that's awesome, Jakoby." Her smile fades a bit as she says this. "But I do not think I'll be attending."

"Oh. Yeah. I mean, you could bring your friends? You don't have to come on your own?" I suggest, but I feel like I'm just grasping at straws at this point. Why would she want to come back to that bar where she was basically assaulted?

    "You want me to bring my friends to that bar to listen to you play music?" she asks, and I can't tell what she's really thinking.

"I'd like that." I nod.

    "Okay. Well, let me know when?" she asks, surprising me.

"Okay," I agree. "Until then...?"

She shrugs, but lets out a laugh. "Maybe we can hang out again?"

I breathe out a sigh of relief. "Yeah. Definitely."

I wish she'd make the first move so I could hug her. Man, I really want to hug her. But she just smiles again and then slides her hand down my arm. Contact. That's good.

There's still so much more I want to say and do. But I can read her pretty well and I know it's not the right time. She needs more time to get comfortable with me. I need to be more patient with her.

"Goodnight, Ruby. Thanks for the ride." I smile as I say this but I'm already sad, having to leave.

    "You're welcome. Goodnight, Jakoby," she finishes.

*

    I can't sleep, even two hours later. The apartment is pretty quiet - I have no idea if anyone else is home - and I want to sleep. I need to. But it's impossible. I can't stop thinking about her. The way I'm feeling is so intense that holding back and being friends for much longer seems impossible. I don't even know what we are at this point. It's so hard to tell if she feels the same, but I know nothing will happen if I don't tell her.

Life is short. I know this because I've lost both of my parents already and I'm only twenty-three. I don't have any other family. Ruby is exactly what I need and I need it now. I need it to fulfill a part of my life that's been missing something. Sure, I dated in high school. But there was nothing serious, because my mom and her mental health issues came first. It scared girls away, too. She wasn't stable very much during my high school years. I left that town I grew up in a year ago because everyone felt sorry for the kid who's mom killed herself.

I didn't realize or care that I was missing this feeling until I met Ruby. Until now.

So, even though it's after midnight and I'm in my underwear laying on my mattress, I grab my phone and text her.

Hey. I am so glad I got to hang out with you tonight. I want to see you again soon.

I wait. I stare at my phone. I pray she's not asleep. I want her to be in her bedroom in her underwear, looking at her phone, too. Ten minutes pass and I don't think she's going to read it or respond tonight. Shit.

But then. Buzz.

You're so sweet.  Sorry if I was acting weird tonight.    

My heart is pounding as I type back my message. No. I really enjoyed hanging out with you.

A few minutes later, she texts again.  When did you want to get together again?

Me: You tell me when and where and I'll be there

This time, a reply comes right away.

Ruby: Okay. Tomorrow, I work until 4

Me: I'll meet you at the cafe at 415.

*

That coffee shop across from the museum quickly becomes our place. After that following day, we meet there again twice that week. We sit at the table in the corner. We order black coffees and sometimes a treat. She likes their chocolate chip cookies, so if I get there before her, I order her one. Her sweet smile when she walks in and spots me is the best. I get through my day just to see her, on those days that we meet. We talk about everything from how our days went, to books she's reading or songs I'm writing. She's holding back a bit still, but I know she's starting to trust me that's the first step.

And before she goes to sleep each night - for the next week - she sends me the same text. Each night I lay there waiting for it. It's so simple but it's so much, to me.

Goodnight, Jakoby. See u soon.

It gives me hope. It keeps me believing that I was right about her. About us. It makes me still believe that things happen for my a reason and fate is real. I just have to convince her of this.