Ruby

Oh my god.

I'm still in disbelief as I climb into the back seat of Ryan's car, that Kaylee's driving, an hour later.

I just spent two hours with Jakoby after his show and it was best night I've had in a long time. Kissing him in the alley in the same spot that he found me crying - two weeks ago - was sort of romantic. After our first kiss, we went back inside and found Ryan and Kaylee and danced for awhile, listening to the house band.

I can't stop thinking about how his tongue feels in my mouth. It's been a long time since I've been kissed like that. I shouldn't compare it to Garrett, though. He's the only other person who's ever kissed me and meant it. I can't ruin this moment by constantly comparing. Garrett made it very obvious over the last few days that he and Bet are, in fact, together. I'm finally happy for him - for them.

I met Jakoby at the coffee shop after work twice this week, plus Sunday. We really got to know each other in those few hours and I realized how much I really like his company. The way he looks at me doesn't hurt, either. It's like he would take me home and devour me if I just said the word. It's always a silent promise that he wants to take care of me and help me heal even more. He doesn't even know my story, but he wants to be the one who helps me trust again. I held back, even when I wanted to let him kiss me goodbye two days ago, after he walked me home.

But tonight?  No one held back tonight.

"So... details, please?" Kaylee asks, pulling out onto the main road.

I laugh from the back seat. "Ryan doesn't want to hear about it."

"True. I'm not drunk enough to hear about anything you did with that guy. He seems cool though."

   "He is," I say quickly.

"Eeek, I can just tell you're so much happier than when we first met. This guy has really done a number on you," Kaylee goes on.

I didn't know that I was unhappy before, but I definitely feel different now. I agreed to be something, with Jakoby. I told him I'm sure about how I feel. We didn't label it, but I think I know what it's going to turn into and I kind of can't wait.

He's already texted me before I'm even changed into my pajamas fifteen minutes later, but I wait to reply until I'm in bed and comfy. My heart feels full. I don't remember when I last felt like this. It's all I can thinking about - how my heart feels somehow complete, and also wide open at the same time.

Tonight was so amazing. Can I take you on a real date, please?

Going on a real date sounds amazing, too. I can picture him showing up with flowers and opening the car door for me - if he had one. I know he'd pay for dinner. I've never been on a real date like that. Now it seems like an actual option for me. I'm ready to start behaving like a more normal young adult. I'm ready to start really living my life.

Me: Sure. I'd like that.

Jakoby: Good. God, Ruby, you have no idea how bad I wanted to kiss you before tonight.

Me: I think I have an idea.

Jakoby: Well, maybe I wasn't that good at hiding it.

Me: Not really. I laugh to myself. So when's our date?

It takes a couple of minutes before his reply comes in.   

Jakoby: I'm off Tuesday. You work til 4?

Me: Yes.

Jakoby: Ok. I'm going to try to get my roommates car and I'll pick you up.

Me: Okay. My heart is fluttering around in disbelief. See you then.

*

Things with Garrett and I have seemed to be go back to our normal, day to day, best friends situation. I'm thankful for this. He told me he thinks Jakoby is a good guy and I agreed, and we left it at that. Since that conversation a couple days ago, he's been overly affectionate with Bet when she's around, like he's trying to convince himself it's real between them, too. It doesn't bother me now - I'm allowing myself to move on. I mean, I have Jakoby. We're finally... something. He makes me so happy and excited about life. I haven't felt excited in this way in a long time. Actually, I'm not sure I have ever felt this.

   Tuesday morning comes, finally, and I get up to head off to work at my usually time. It's early, and I am sure to be quiet as I finish getting ready and head out to the kitchen.

As I'm pouring my coffee, Garrett appears behind me. He's not usually awake before I leave, when I have to start work at 8A.M.  When I work the early shift, we usually don't see each other until the evening.

"Morning," he says, in a tired voice. "Pour me one?"

I nod and pour his coffee into his favourite mug and then pour mine onto my travel mug, since I'm walking to work. I look over at him and see he's got bed head and his eyes are only half open. His t-shirt is loose and he's just in baggy shorts, bare feet. He looks like she should really go back to bed.

"I was thinking I could drive you this morning," he goes on, as casual as ever.

"Drive me? To work? You'd be really early -"

    "It's fine. I want to," he interrupts, getting the cream out of the fridge.

Getting a ride definitely beats walking ten minutes in the now quite chilly fall morning air, so I agree. We don't have to leave as early, though, so we drink our coffees together and then he heads back to his room, to get dressed for work. I can't stop wondering why he's choosing to leave early and take me to work today.

*   

"Thanks," I say to Garrett, as he slows down outside the museum, twenty minutes later.

The drive was quiet. It's so early. We haven't talked a whole lot over the past few days, but things have been okay. I've been out of the apartment a lot more than usual and he's been spending time with Bet.

"Of course. Have a great day," he tells me and gives me a big smile, before adding, "What are you doing tonight?"

I don't hesitate, which I realize must mean something. I'm not going to  try to hide what I'm doing from Garrett. "Jakoby's picking me up from here, for our date."

I see the slight change in his expression but he tries to hide it instantly. "Nice. Have a great time, Ruby."

My work day drags on. I'm busy, which helps. There's a school field trip, so around thirty six-year-olds are tearing around the first floor, until noon. I like the extra noise and laughter and when they file out, it feels too quiet. I'm stuck with my thoughts. And I can't help but think about that look on Garrett's face before I got out of his car this morning.

Two years ago

"I will always love you, Ruby. We have a connection that nothing could ever break. But-"

"But?" I ask him, looking up into his green eyes.

Garrett sighs, pulling me closer to him, against his chest. "My therapist said I need to give you space to heal."

"Your therapist? He doesn't like me, and you're going to do whatever he says?" I snap, pulling away a bit.

"Ruby, he's right. You went from being abused, to a shelter on your own, to me. I've been coddling you and taking care of you, but you haven't had a chance to heal."

"You're an asshole, Garrett," I shout at him, now moving away from him completely. "You're just too scared to admit to me or tell anyone else that we're together, so you'd rather end it."

His heart shatters right there in front of me. I can practically see it through his chest. And yet, he goes on.

"You need time. Healing form everything you went though -"

"Stop saying that. You don't know anything. You helped me and you healed me. I'm better now," I yell, but I'm not so sure. I don't feel healed.

"I'm just a Band-aid, Ruby."

"Oh, your therapist tell you that, too?"

Garrett hangs his head. My blood is boiling. I'm mad at him but also feel embarrassed for some reason. This guy already broke my heart once, when I told him I loved him the first time. He moved away from me. Now, less than a year later, he's doing it again.

"Garrett, you started this. I told you that I loved when when we were still living at the Thomson's and you moved out. Then you called me and you told me you wanted me. You let me move in here. And you let me love you. Now you're going yo do this?" Tears are pouring down my face but I don't care.

"I swear, I'm doing this for you. I want to let you really figure out if being with me is what you want," he says, and it feels so wrong.

I push off the couch and stand up. "It is. It always was."

"Ruby-"

"Whatever. I'll leave then."

"Don't. Please."

I am crying so hard and I can't see things clearly. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's breaking up with me but he doesn't want me to leave.

"So, you want us to be roommates?" I shout, annoyed and angry and scared.

"Yes."

He's serious. I don't know how he can just turn off his feelings for me - if he ever really had any - but I don't think I can.

    "Fine," I spit out, turning away.  I have to get away from him.

I try not to see the look on his face as I walk away, but I do. He's hurting too. Maybe he actually is just trying to help me. Maybe he's putting me first. But it feels horrible. It feels like my heart is breaking in a million pieces and there's no way to put it back together.