Ruby

There's so many things that I like about Jakoby, but also just as many reasons not to get too close to him.

   For one, I've only known him for around six weeks. That's approximately forty-two days and seriously, thinking about it like that, it's not much time at all. Those first two weeks, I really didn't know him. He was trying to convince me that fate had brought us together. I still think that's totally bullshit.

   He's sweet and funny and persistent, and I can tell he likes me. This past week, we've met up for coffee three times. That's a lot. I find myself looking forward to seeing him there, across from me at the table, at the cafe. We talk about all sort of things, but nothing that really means anything - if that makes sense. It's all just friendly conversation.

  It's Thursday, and I was finished work at 6P.M. He texted that he was running late but would be there by 6:30P.M., so I didn't rush out of work. I'm still over at the cafe by quarter after. I order two black coffees and one chocolate chip cookie for us to share - he's got me addicted to them - and take a seat at our table in the corner. The cafe is a bit busier tonight but I keep my eyes glued to the door anyway. When he pushes it open and strides in, he's already looking towards our table, towards me. A huge smile spreads across his face as he heads my way.

   My body reacts to seeing him, which is new. I've always thought the whole "butterflies" thing was dumb, but now I feel it for myself. I stand up and we hug briefly and then we both sit. I push his coffee towards him and break the cookie in half.

"You're sharing tonight?" he asks with a grin.

  "I don't want to eat another whole cookie. I had two already this week," I say, and smile back.

  "Thanks for the coffee. How was work?" he goes on, already bringing the cookie up to his mouth.

"Good. Normal. Um, well, actually, there was a kid who threw up in the play structure. Luckily I didn't have to clean it up - Joe was working and he handles that stuff."

    Jakoby's eyes go wide and then he laughs. "Yeah, good thing."

  "And how was your day?" I ask him, because I really like hearing about his job.

    His eyes light up and he takes in a breath before he starts. "Well, actually, it was awesome."

  "Yeah?"

"Uh, yes. Doc had an cancellation for an hour in the sound booth and... we started recording my track." He looks like a kid on Christmas morning as he says this, but I can tell he's still holding back something.

"You did?!" I shout, and then look around, embarrassed. "Jakoby, that's amazing. Congratulations."

   He sips his coffee and then leans back in his chair a bit. "You didn't even ask me what song it is."

   And suddenly I'm fully aware of what he means. "Um, okay. What song are you recording?"

"Doc loved your song. That's what he wanted me to start with."

   Even though I was expecting this, it still makes my head spin. "The song you wrote about me?"

   Jakoby grins and nods. "It's called 'I Didn't Know'."

   I don't know what to say, so I just smile at him and then sip my coffee. He's waiting for me to say something, but I just feel overwhelmed all of a sudden.

  "I'm playing at the bar on Saturday at 8P.M. I'd love you to come, but only if you're comfortable," he goes on.

"I'll see what I can do," I tell him.

   I haven't told him anything about my past, besides that I don't trust people and I had a hard childhood. He hasn't told me much about his life, either. I know he has been here for about a year and lives with three other guys. Music is his life. But as the days pass and we spend more time together, I find myself wanting to know more about him. Sitting across from him the cafe for an hour at a time isn't going to be enough. I want to go see him play again. I want to spend more time with him.

   But then I go back to the apartment and my brain gets all messed up again. My heart, too.

   Garrett has always been the one that I couldn't have. The guy that I had to let move on, because it was getting to be too much, for both of us. He acted like he was just fine with meeting Jakoby. He was even sort of nice to him. And he's been a heck a lot more touchy-feely with Bet, from what I can tell. He didn't correct her when she called him her boyfriend. So why do I still feel this agonizing pain in my chest - as if nothing makes sense - when I get back to the apartment after spending that hour with Jakoby?

   I feel like I'm doing something wrong, which makes no sense at all. I'm moving on, which is what I should be doing. Especially since Bet is currently tucked against Garrett's side, their eyes both focused on the movie they are watching.

   I slip past the living room with only a wave at them, and continue on to my bedroom, closing the door lightly once I'm inside. Breathing out heavily, I pull off my sweater and sprawl out on my bed. It's warm in here. I know I need to just calm down. I shouldn't be feeling anything at all towards Garrett. I really shouldn't be feeling guilty for these "dates" with Jakoby. But for whatever reason, I am.

   It's only a bit after 9P.M. but I worked noon to seven and spent over an hour with, Jakoby at our cafe. We call it that, now. I'm yawning as I pull off my top and let my head fall back onto my pillow again. My brain is going a mile a minute. I am so torn between how much I enjoy Jakoby's company and getting to know him, and how I feel about seeing Garrett with Bet. I need help, and I suddenly know exactly who to call.

   It rings four times in my ear, and I hope it's not too late to be calling her.

"Hey, Ruby?" Kaylee answers, sounding a bit surprised.

  "Hey," I say plainly into my phone and then take in a deep breath. "Can you talk?"

  "Yeah, of course. What's up?" she replies right away.

  "We're still on for tomorrow night here, for pizza. Is that good?" I ask, not getting right to the real reason I called.

    "Yes. We will likely be there around 6:30P.M." She pauses and then goes on. "But that's not why you called, is it?"

    "No," I say quickly, my voice quiet. "I need... advice? Or maybe I need someone to push me in the right direction."

    "With what?"

   I sigh. I have only talked to her quickly in texts over the last week. When I was at their house, I made sure to tell them that Garrett and I were just best friends. So this is going to shock Kaylee, now. But I have to tell someone. And I trust her.

  "Okay, so bare with me..." I begin and she stays quiet. "Three years ago... you know how Garrett took me in when I was staying at the woman's shelter?"

  "Yeah..."

    "I was eighteen, and he was like my angel who saved me. I basically moved in with his family - his foster family who adopted him - and he took care of me. We just had this really strong connection and I... I fell in love with him. Well, it either freaked him out or something but he decided to move out a few months later. He told me that he didn't want to mess up my chances of staying with his family, because he didn't want me to go to back to the shelter." I pause and take in a breath. Kaylee stays quiet, listening. "Anyway... he moved out, got his own apartment with a friend, and he was working this full time job and I was just... I was grateful for his parents who took me in but I just wanted him. I was mad at him for leaving. A month later, he called me and said he missed me and wanted me to go over to his apartment. So, we had sex for the first time that night. And, well, it continued for a while."

"Oh my god," Kaylee finally says, and then adds, "Continue."

"Eventually I moved in with him when his friend was moving out. We continued our... whatever it was. He went to work and had his friends there and everything but he came home to me. He treated me like his girlfriend and had sex with me, but he never took me out or told anyone we were together. Then I got my job at the museum and wasn't as dependant on him and all of a sudden he ended it. The sex, basically."

"Wait, what?"

"We stayed roommates and friends, even though it was awkward for a couple of months. I didn't want to lose him all together so I pushed everything I was feeling down and forced it to dissipate," I go on.

  "So... I mean... you two seem pretty close still. Not awkward or whatever... what do you advice about?" Kaylee wants to know. "Also, is this, like, something I keep between us?"

  "Yeah. Ryan doesn't need to know about my shit with Garrett."

  "Okay."

   "Garrett's now dating Bet. She's cool and, like, her and I are friends, too. I'm trying to be happy for him, for them. But since he stopped things with me, he's never dated. He's brought home random girls and had one night stands, but nothing like this."

   "You're jealous? Or you're unsure..." Kaylee suggests.

    "I guess."

    "What about Jakoby? You said he came over to hang out and it went well?"

    "Yeah. It did, and I've seen him three times already this week." Saying it out loud really should prove that I like him, shouldn't it? Of course I do.

    "What's the problem, then?" She doesn't get it. I mean, I'm confused too.

    "For some reason I feel guilty going out with Jakoby. Or letting myself feel anything for him. Why the hell am I feeling guilty?" I say, and then realize that I'm talking loudly and Garrett and Bet are in the other room.

   Kaylee lets out a laugh. "Garrett was your first love. But he's moved on, right? There's nothing between you guys. So move on with Jakoby. I want to meet him, by the way!"

   I sigh. I knew she'd say this. Practically whispering, I answer, "So you don't think I should feel bad about it? I wish I wasn't feeling jealous seeing Garrett and Bet together, but-"

"Well, it's normal, considering you loved him, once. But no, there's no reason you shouldn't at least see what happens with Jakoby. Girl, you've seen him three times this week for a reason. You must like him!" Kaylee tells me, and she's right.

"I do."

"Well, then, go for it."

   "Well, speaking of that... will you and Ryan come down on Saturday to see his gig? He's playing at that bar that he played at a few weeks ago. I don't want to go on my own," I say, and I'm crossing my fingers she agrees.

   "Yes, obviously! That would be so fun!"

   "Okay, I'll get you the details tomorrow?" I tell her.

   "Sounds good. You feeling any better now?" she wants to know.

    "Yeah. Thanks, Kaylee," I answer. "You're the best."

    "Anytime. I mean it."

    Once I end the call and put my phone down beside me on my bed, I I squeeze my eyes closed. My brain is still going crazy, running through all the possible scenarios. But Kaylee's right, and I knew this already. I just wanted conformation. Garrett has obviously moved on. I need to be happy for him, and let go of the past. I know the answer to doing that is seeing what happens with Jakoby. 

   I send him a text before I go to bed, hoping it's the right thing to do.  I'll be there Saturday night for your gig.