Ruby

I'm falling for Jakoby, there's no denying this now. That's a weird expression. Falling for someone. But it really feels like falling. Like I've tripped and I'm making a downward plunge to the ground and I am not sure if I'll even be okay once I land. That's what it really feels like. I have to trust, or try to trust, this process.

I never knew for sure what would happen in my day to day life until I met Garrett. Even then, nothing was certain. Sure, he saved me from the shelter. He gave me a more stable life. But he sure threw me for a loop when he moved out of his family's house and then again when he broke my heart, a few months later.

So now, slowly giving away pieces of my heart to Jakoby is scary. But after that date at the movie theatre, I feel like I'm ready.

Things have been just fine over the last year, for me. My life has been stable, I've been safe and mostly happy, working and reading all the books, and spending time with Garrett and his friends. But fine isn't enough anymore. I want amazing, like last night's date with Jakoby.

*

I wake up in a good mood. He sent a good morning text and I reply have a good day as soon as I see it. I'm off today, so I stay in bed longer than usual before getting up to shower. I'll have the apartment to myself all day so I plan to watch some Netflix and hang out with my cat, Muffin.

I'm done in the bathroom and decide to go out and start my coffee before getting dressed. Towel wrapped around my body, my hair still dripping wet, I open the door and head down the hallway towards the kitchen.

I freeze a moment later, though, because Garrett is in the kitchen, staring back at me. He looks shocked, too. He runs his eyes down my body and back up before speaking.

"Oh, hey."

I tighten my arms around my towel. "Shit. What are you doing here?"

"Uh. I took the day off," he says quickly, not looking away even though I'm basically naked right in front of him.

He never misses work. He never takes a day off in the middle of the week.

"You did? Why?" I ask him, stepping back. I feel uncomfortable standing there close to him in just a towel.

   "Uh, my throat is a bit sore. Didn't want to get anyone at work sick."

He doesn't look sick to me.

I can tell he's lying, I know him very well. Stepping back again, I say, "I'm going to get dressed."

"I forgot you were off today," he calls out after me.

In my bedroom, I slam the door and quickly toss on underwear and a t-shirt and sweat pants. Something is going on with him and I need to know what it is. Back out in the kitchen a minute later, he's still just standing there, like he's waiting for me.

"You're not sick," I tell him, shaking my head, my wet hair still down around my shoulders.

    "My throat is sore," he repeats.

"Really?"

Suddenly Garrett sighs and leans into the counter, knowing I've caught him in a lie. Running a hand through his hair, he looks right at me. "No. I am just struggling at work this week. There's so much going on and I needed a day off to chill."

"It's Wednesday. Don't you usually have meetings?" I want to know. I know his schedule - it's been mostly the same for years.

    "Yeah. I'll get the notes from Frank."

Garrett's always been serious about his job, so this is worrisome to me. Alarm bells go off in my head. Something's wrong.

"You sure you're okay?" I ask, walking through the room a bit.

    "Yeah. I just... I need a day to myself. Or... with you." He sighs again. "Bet's been wanting to hang out like every night and, like I said, work is so crazy right now. I have so many deadlines to meet by next week. I'm overwhelmed, Ruby."

   And suddenly I feel bad for him. I see it in his eyes. I have been trying to avoid any sort of feelings towards him lately, but this is new. Empathy. It's taking over and I step closer and reach out to touch his arm. He's still Garrett, my best friend. I feel bad now, because he's feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

"Well, I'm here." I tell him, after a quiet minute.

  "Okay." He nods. Good."

A couple hours later, after a few episodes of Grey's, I get up to check to my phone. We totally got lost in the show and I didn't realize my phone was still in my bedroom, since the morning. There's two texts when I get it to.

   Jakoby: hey <3

Jakoby : Hope your day off is awesome. I was thinking we could go to the trail tomorrow after work?

I'm walking back towards the living room, typing back a message to Jakoby when I see Garrett is in the kitchen. The blender is going and there's something in a frying pan on the stove. How did he start all this so quick? I was only gone a few minutes.

"Making some breakfast. Smoothies and eggs? I guess it's closer to lunch now..." Garrett says and smiles at me.

   "Oh, thanks." I put my phone down without hitting send and walk a bit further into the kitchen.

He opens the blender and pours some of the pinkish smoothie into a cup and slides it across the counter to me. It's almost noon now and I haven't eaten anything, so I take it happily, nodding a thank you.

"I wish we had more days like this," Garrett says suddenly, his back to me.

    "Yeah, it's nice," I tell him, Even though I was just as happy thinking I'd be spending the day alone. "Recharge a bit."

He nods this times and flips the eggs in the pan. A few minutes later, he's plating the eggs and walking them over to the small table in the corner. I follow him over and pull out a chair and he heads back to the kitchen for the two cups of coffee he already poured.

"How was your date?" he suddenly asks and when I look over, I see he's glancing at my phone. The screen is lit up. My stomach tightens, uncertainty running through my body.

Garrett looks away from my phone and comes back over to me, trying to seem casual, but his face gives him away. He wants to know about my date? He was looking at me phone. What's going on?

"Oh, it was good," I answer, and I'm not sure I want to elaborate.

Besides when I see them together, cuddling or hold hands, I don't ask about what he and Bet do together. I don't ask if he takes her on dates or whatever. It's not my business.

"Where'd you go?" Garrett asks, now sitting down at the table across from me.

I wish this was just a casual conversation between friends but it feels like an interrogation more than anything. In two years, this is the first time we're having a conversation like this. It feels wrong.

"A movie," I say plainly, and then chug back some of the smoothie.

   "Ohh, that's cool. Which one?"

I look up and question him with my eyes but then look back down at the eggs in front of me. They smell really good but my stomach is telling me not to eat them. It's spinning, actually. There's nothing about this conversation that is casual or friendly, I can feel it.

"An old Spanish film. It was at this little theatre across town," I tell him, even though I don't know why he cares about the details of my date.

   "You really... like him?" The next question comes and I'm completely thrown off. I drop my fork onto the plate. I wasn't eating anyway.

"I do."

   "Good. I mean, cool. That's cool." He's trying really hard to act normal but he's failing.

I push away from the table and stand up, walking back over to where my phone is. Picking it up, I lean against the counter and type back my reply to Jakoby.

Yes. Tomorrow is good. Let me know the details.

I glance back over at Garrett, but he's eating and not looking at me. I'm holding my coffee mug tightly in two hands and I feel so torn. I don't want to sit there with Garrett and answer these questions and make everything awkward between us. But if I leave and go to my room, I'm still making it awkward. Why does it have to be like this?

"I'm just going to..." I say, but don't finish.

    "You didn't eat," he tells me, nodding towards my plate.

I hold up coffee mug. "Just needed coffee. Thanks though."

I'm turning and walking back through then room towards the hallway when he speaks again.

"Ruby."

I stop but don't turn back. He knows I'm listening.

"I just... I miss you. I miss us."

I take in a deep breath and shake my head as I keep walking and go straight to my room without answering him.

Who does he think he is? He's the one who broke it off with me, almost two years ago. He told me we had to just be roommates. since then he's done whatever he wanted when he comes to girls, but I've been celibate, alone. Until Jakoby, I wasn't interested in meeting anyone. And now Garrett thinks he can just up and tell me he misses us?  No.

I'm fuming for the next hour. I want to go back out there and tell him off. Now I know he took the day off so he could do this, and it makes me irrationally angry. Why can't he just let things be how they are? Why does he want to confuse me?

Except I'm not confused.

I pick up my phone again and type another message to Jakoby.

Can't wait to see you again.

And it's true. I had such a good time on our date at the movie theatre. Jakoby treats me like a normal girl, not some damaged kid who needs to be taken care of. That's how Garrett always saw me. To Jakoby, I'm not broken. I'm not fucked up, because he doesn't know all the things that I went through. I should tell him, and I will. But right now I am just going to let him see me how he sees me. For a while longer, I want to keep that from him.

He texts back a bit later. I'm still hiding out in my bedroom so I don't have to face Garrett.

Jakoby: Me too. I can pick you up from work at 7?

Me: Perfect, see you then.