THE MOMENT, I disembarked the bus I had already received a ton of texts and missed calls from both Tammy and Lucas. I also received messages from Rosie and Zach.

Rosie: don't you dare do what I think you're about to do.

  Tammy is scaring the shit out of me, and I am trying not to believe what she's saying.

      Zach: Hope you're ok.

Their act of concern was enough to warm my heart. It made me feel better, and I started to hope that one-day things were going to get better. I had to walk for approximately fifteen minutes to get to the lake. It was situated in a forest-esque area, where it had towering green trees and sand-covered paths that were often trailed by creatures that inhabited the woods.

The sky was darker than before, but it had stopped raining a while ago while I was still on the bus trying to rhyme words. The tarred road was drenched with water, the same could be said about the trees, the leaves shimmered with water and the barks were wet and dark. The place was humid and smelled like vegetation, and I felt like throwing up.

There was the sound of birds chirping loudly, and it annoyed me, and I tried my best not to be affected by it.

I had stored my earplugs in my bag to prevent it from being damaged. If it fell into any of the puddles that I had seen on my way, I had no idea what I would do. The outcome was something I did not even want to imagine, and I had to store it in my backpack, together with my phone.

Since it rained, the ground was slippery. Although the path to the woods was not as soaked as it was now. I was finally in the woods, and the air felt thick coupled with the scent of nature I felt choked. I had to endure the horrible scent while trying to maintain posture as I walked down the muddy path.

It was difficult at first.

The ground was still very damp and was no doubt slippery. I had to hold onto the tree bark, any time I felt unsteady and I was sure that in no seconds I could fall.

Stray hair blew in front of my face, because of the ceaseless wind, and I had to blow it away with my mouth until I reached a better spot where the sand did not retain enough moisture to be slippery, and from my eyesight, I could spot the pier.

I had untangled my hair in waves on the bus and at that moment I felt like a movie character in a film, while I watched the scenery outside blur.

There was hardly any breeze to scatter it and make me look like a mad woman. I looked decent, and I preferred to have it down than in an updo.

My favorite hairstyle without anyone having to tell me was when it was falling at my back, and swishing from side to side when I walked. I had long hair, so it gave me main character syndrome most time.

I always had to tie it because it was more uncomfortable down than when it was in a bun. I had to tie my hair once again, where it was unlikely any strand could fall out, and tamper with my vision.

  My eyes fall back to the pier once again, and I suddenly feel at ease. The wooden bridge was starting to decay and appeared old.

Even though it used to be Jaden's territory before he brought me here, I still thought about him once in a while, when I came to this place, but then soon forgot about it, when my eyes landed on the water.

The weather was chilly and awful to swim in, but I have longed for a very long time to be here, but could not because time did not allow me to do that.

As it turned out, when you are a senior, there is not much fun you can do, other than studying until past midnight. I knew that by the end of the day, I would catch a nasty cold and still, I wanted to do it. I wanted to be unimaginable in the water. I wanted to play with the water with my feet.

I wanted to try out new tricks I had learned on YouTube, and also while watching the swimming team practice in school. I wanted to swim to the extent that my ears and mouth were filled with water, and I would have to swim up to the surface to breathe. I wanted for just a little while...to forget about you.

        Before I knew it, I tossed my school bag to the floor and stripped down all my clothes until I was half-naked. All I had on my exposed body was my bra and panties, and the cold sliced through me, my teeth were chattering. I was shivering so much that I had to embrace myself. Slowly, I pushed forward to the lake, where the color of the water was as dark as the sky.

My mind was completely numb at this point and I could barely think of anything, as my ears were filled with the soft tip of the water as it ebbed from side to side. I could also hear the sound of my heart speedily racing, not out of anxiety but out of fear of how cold the water was going to be.

   I never swam here when it had just rained. The weather here was always vibrant, except maybe one time, during the tenth grade. This time it was not with Jaden, but with you... I had unknowingly brought you along with me. I closed my eyes to completely eradicate the thought of you. I did not come here to remind myself of you, but to distance myself from you.

I crouch down at the end of the pier until I am sitting down, with my legs dangling. I tried dipping my foot in the cold water, and at first, the coldness shocked me. I retracted my leg pretty fast. Until I make another attempt once again. This time I did not slowly slip my foot in the water and quickly dipped it in.

The coldness coils around my foot, and I also get the same jolt as before but I am more prepared than before. I also put my other foot in. I splashed the water with my foot and made ripples scatter across the surface.

I looked up when I heard the sound of a sudden tree branch snapping and the sound of hurried footsteps, and I almost thought it was him. Anger had already started gurgling inside me when I caught sight of the offender, a bushy squirrel. It had quickly run away the way it had come, upon seeing me, and I realized it was the one that caused that ruckus that made me anticipate Jaden.

       It could have also been you but I knew you wouldn't dare come here after you made it clear that you couldn't forgive me and another reason why I didn't think it was you, was that you were not familiar with this place, as you have just been here once.

Again, I tried to forget about you and focus on the moment. Canopy of trees lined up the whole lake, and they all looked opaque and unnerving because of the rain. I could still hear the twittering noise of the bird, and it wasn't as irksome as it had sounded.

Instead, it sounded more like a lull. I untied my hair once again, because it was too tight, and lessened the pressure that when I was done, strands of my hair fell at the side of my face, and the bun was less tighter.

      I took a deep sigh, and what came out of my mouth was a gust of cold air. Not thinking too much about it, I fell into the lake. My bones were completely liquefied, and I felt extremely cold, but I did not recoil and stayed there for a while until my body was at least okay with the temperature. When that finally happened, that was when it happened. I finally felt alive.

Goosebumps skated all over my body because of how unfriendly the weather was, but I still swam to the point that I was underneath the water and could barely see anything from above. I stayed there for a while until at least my breath could allow it.

I felt so much at peace while swimming. It has always been this way, even before Jaden had ever brought me here. I always thought if I wasn't born human, I would have been born a fish, because of how naturally swimming came to me, and it felt like home to me.

      By the time I felt tired of swimming, the day looked like it was about to end, as the sky looked purplish-blue. Also, when I texted Lucas to secretly pick me up from Willow's old farm, which was not entirely far from the lake, it was already four o'clock.

I looked pale as the water had completely scrubbed all the face cream I had put on my face. I had already worn my t-shirt and jeans, and my now clean Doc Martens, because I used my Kleenex tissue wipe in my bag to clean off the muddy pigment.

I always had tissue wipes not because I could predict situations such as this, but because I needed them for when I needed to clean my hands and there was no soap at the toilet because there was hardly always one which was completely unhygienic.

Even though I had used Kleenex tissue wipes, I still used hand sanitizers too as one could never be completely clean. I also cried a lot, about a lot of things that seemed likely for me to cry and sometimes unwarranted.

Since the only form of moisturizer I had was my lipgloss, I applied it all over my lips.

       It didn't take long for me to catch a cold either, apparently, I wasn't built with a strong immune system, and I knew that, after innumerable times of getting sick when I played in the rain. There was something about the weather that always made me want to romanticize life.

***

I had fun on the road while walking to the farmhouse. I hopped over puddles, and spattered puddle water with my boot, and when I could not stop staring at the sky, I took aesthetic photos of the sky and the setting of this place.

There was hardly anyone here too, just like before and I was fearful, at first, when I started on my journey until Lucas texted that he was ten minutes away, my nerves started to unknot, and I decided to use this opportunity to do whatever I wanted before he came.

     I sang Taylor Swift's song Illicit Affair at the top of my lungs, which meant my singing voice was both good and awful because I did not try to control my breathing while I sang. I loved the song so much out of her Folklore Album, that when it came out I couldn't stop singing it. Followed by a Cardigan, and because I was such a fan girl, I wore the folklore cardigan for the whole month the song was released.

I was a seventeen-year-old obsessed like everyone who was in love with Taylor Swift and I enjoyed it, but I have never really gushed about her songs with a female company before, that was not my mother or Jen.

My mother was not a fan of her music as she was more into Micheal Jackson, and Cho Yong Pil, and claimed she only listened to and sang her songs because I loved her.

Jen was the person who favored my kind of music. We would play Taylor's song like we did not have a clue about other songs. I liked Olivia Rodrigo, and I listened to all her songs, but Jen did not, as she only liked a few of her songs. I listened to artists like Phoebe Bridgers, Ashe, Gracie Abrams, Harry Style, Lizzy Mcapline, and Conan Gray.

Jen and I, whether she liked them or not, always hosted a listening party at her house. We always invited my parents and since it was your house you had no choice but to commit to the listening party.

You only liked Conan Gray and Harry Styles. It was what factored our go-to song People Watching by Conan Gray, and each of us had our lines in the song. It was not a jamming kind of music but it was our jamming song. It was the song we purposefully sang horribly and put a lot of emotions into it. You were not single unlike me, and yet you acted like the song was made for you.

Upon my arrival at the farmhouse, I spotted a worker, an old man, sitting on a rocking chair, at the farthest part of the land. He waved at me when he noticed, and I responded by waving at him back.

Flocks of chickens moved around his feet, pecking the dusted grains he had left on the floor for them, while the goats mindlessly moved around with the chickens, and only stopped to chow on the grass on the ground.

I heard the grunts of cows but never got to see them as they were still inside the farmhouse. I was able to witness the pigsty, and I saw a few pigs come out. From their face to their stout was stained with mud, one could barely detect their natural skin from the amount of dirt that encased their body.

       The temperature was still as cold as ever, and I wanted to call out Lucas for lying. Since there was not much building on this side of town, it meant that this place was colder. My clothes were not the kind of outfits to wear in such weather, but it was spring, and the weather was supposed to be warmer and sunnier. It should not want to freeze someone to death as it was slowly doing to me.

I was continuously rubbing my shoulders and trying to blow hot air from my mouth, which only felt cold on my face when I managed to glimpse the sight of Lucas' car making an appearance. A grateful sigh came out of me, and with the little energy I had in me, I rushed to his car before he could even get to me.

      I was so high on happiness, that even a smile formed on my face because of how deserving I wanted to be caked in heat. I only stopped in my tracks, when through the window, I could make out more than Lucas' head. I had asked him to come alone, and not to bring anyone along with him, especially Tammy.

      However, he did not respect my wishes, because the passenger seat window opened. At that moment everything was done in slow motion because the window takes forever to go down, and when it does, Tammy's head sticks out the window and she looks really serious. "Get in, Lori! We have a lot to talk to you about."

     Propped in her oversized glasses and a gigantic hoodie, an outfit choice that never gets old, her miniature frame paired with that angry look on her face made her look scary. I was trying to process what had just happened when the back seat window opened, and I saw Zach's face, his expression was almost the same as Tammy's, only that his attempt at being serious was less nerve-wracking because he had had a funnier expression on his face while trying to look humorless.

"Yes, Lori! Hope on, because you are in big trouble!"

    I could see Lucas from behind him, but the expression on his face was indecipherable. I could not help but feel anger towards Lucas, as he probably blabbed about where I was going, and that had made Tammy and Zach follow him. Rosie was nowhere in sight and it took seconds for me to realize she was busy waitressing at Randy's.

Zach opened his side of the door and scooted away upon my entrance. Lucas locked the door and started driving, while the entire place was quiet. I looked over at Zach, and he was busy drawing in his sketchbook. I think he felt my eyes on him because he looked at my side, an automatic smile flashed on his face for a second before he remembered that he was meant to be furious at me, and it disappeared.

I gave him a look that translated 'What the hell did I do?' he shrugged and went back to drawing anime characters. Tammy and Lucas seemed like they were not in this world as they were both lovey-dovey with each other, as always.

Lucas was the one who was in love with Tammy. I had my doubts about Tammy returning those feelings, but they always gave off this tensioned energy and it always made all of us feel awkward like we were wheeling their couple's date.

   Tammy took her coffee cup from the coffee tray beside her and sipped it out of its straw, the noise loud, while Lucas watched her while keeping his attention on the road. "Is it okay? Do you like it? Do you think we should get this flavor?"

Tammy hummed in an answer to his questions. "Eyes on the road, Luke. I don't want to die because you could not keep your eyes on the road." Tammy slurped her coffee loudly. All of us watched her in amusement. Until she stopped as if remembering something and took the full coffee from the tray, the only one there, and handed it to Zach.

Zach looked at her, confused, as he had his in-between his thighs. He still collected it from her, while looking as if he were trying to read her eyes which were pointing at me.

I got the memo before Zach could decode what was going on, and when he finally connected the dot, he handed me the coffee. "Here's your freshly brewed coffee from Anne's. Although it is a bit warm, as we have gotten it since."

I took a sip of the coffee and the milk and its fervor melted my tongue in a good way. My eyes drew their way to Tammy's which was the back of her head. I knew she was acting petty on purpose and it made me smile that she was acting childish because it showed that she cared. Of course, she did, she had explained to me numerous times that she was going nowhere but I always failed to believe her.

"You know you can ask me all the things you are dying to know," I said. Zach and Lucas turned to me the instant I started talking, except Tammy. They both looked at her to gauge her expression, but she was still being closed off and refused to talk, and I proceeded to speak even more.

"You can't continue being mad at me, Tams. I know what I did was wrong and I am sorry for not responding to your messages, and adding to your worries about me. I apologize for also hiding my whereabouts and trusting Lucas to come here alone, I will never make that mistake again." I said while making sure that Lucas got that clarification well. I was still pissed at him. I trusted him.

He swiveled to look at me. "Hey, what did I do?"

"I do not need to explain that to you," I answered him. "think about what you have done, and then you will get your answer." Lucas sulked as he thought back to what he had done.

Zach hits him on the shoulder. "Dumbass, she meant she's furious by the fact that she told you to come alone and yet you brought both me and Tammy,"

"Oh, that!" Lucas exclaimed once he understood why I was angry at him. I do not wait for him to mope in front of me or his explanation. Rather, I returned my focus to Tammy.

"I hope you can find it in your very dark heart to forgive me." Tammy was the dark crow in our friendship group. The one who pretended to be cold and dark, whereas she was the sweetest and most concerned friend.

That was why I made sure to text her first when I left school. I knew how troubled she would be. I also anticipated her to act this way towards me.

However, I still felt bad that she was ignoring me, even though I knew this was going to be the make-out of my careless departure from school. Tammy cherished it when one called her out on her dark-natured self. "At least, now when I need you all the most," I said this part in the quietest voice, not planning for others to hear, but they all did, as they all turned to look at me, especially Tammy.

    Her face is painted with worry, and it is a battle to not cry. I do not know what it was with me and crying. I just feel like tap water these days. Tammy smacked Lucas' shoulder when he kept on looking back. "Lucas, how many times have I explained to you to watch the road, and not try to kill us."

"I'm sorry for caring about my friends and not focusing on driving."

"You could care by protecting our lives," Tammy retorted back. Lucas looked Tammy in the eyes and from his perspective, he could have been glaring at her, but it was nothing like that, but him amusedly looking at her with a silly smile on his face. He was too in love with her. Zach looked at me and rolled his eyes as his answer to their mushiness.

"I thought we were talking about Laurene and not giving each other 'I want to take off your clothes' eyes because it seems like that," Zach told them, breaking their long eye contact.

"What the hell? No, Zach, you are very mistaken." Tammy tried to explain, while Lucas focused on driving on the road, with a big goofy smile on his face. He didn't even bother to explain. Tammy rolled her eyes when she realized there was no point in wasting her time explaining to Zach. Her eyes fall on me, and her features quickly soften and her lower lip juts out. "Lori..."

"It's alright," I told her, even though I wasn't completely okay. But I will, one day I know that for sure. "He said that he couldn't forgive me, and it's not like I didn't know that already but him actually saying it and with a sad look on his face felt too much. Did I cause this much? Am I to blame? I can't stop overthinking it and I couldn't take it any longer and just left school. I desperately needed fresh air and a completely different scenery and I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you all by leaving abruptly but I needed it."

"Lori," Tammy drew my name, clearly sympathetic about my situation and I hated it. I didn't like that I was the sad girl who was hardly over her crush and was still letting the past overwrite her.

By now, a lot of people would have gotten bored of me but Tammy and my other friends still stayed. Although a part of me is patiently waiting for them to trickle out of my life very soon because only a few can handle it, the baggage of problems I had was quite a handwork. "You're not at fault. Your horrible best friend is to blame."

"Yes, Lori, Ashton is the worst and I hate the fact that you don't see that. Anyone who hears why he's mad at you and acting this way would think he's exaggerating it." Lucas said to me, while I tried not to look like a crybaby for the one-hundredth time.

Zach scooched to my side, and embraced me, with his right arm slung behind me, and his palm was at my waist, patting me continuously. "To be honest, that is so true. Like he used this as his opportunity to ditch being friends with you and tried to make himself sound like the victim. But, you know what? Screw him and his petty reasons for not wanting to be you. I want to be with you, Lukey here and Tammy wants to be with you. Even Rosie, if she didn't have a shift at Randy's, would have wanted to be here, because, unlike Ashton, we care about you, and constantly will."

      I peered at Zach and he was looking right at me. Until he noticed I was staring at him. He directed his eyes somewhere else but still rubbed my side in the softest way possible. From my position underneath his arms, I watched how the muscles in his jaw clenched even more with every second that passed.

Zach was shy and barely looked at anyone when talking and I understood him as I did the same too. I could never speak to anyone with our eyes locked. It felt excessively suffocating.

However, you looked deep into anyone's eyes when you spoke to them. I used to think one had to reach that level of confidence to be able to commute like that, and I always thought that looking into the eyes of whomever you are speaking to meant one had to be sincere because the eyes are truly the beholder. They show a person's spirit. They are the most vulnerable parts of a human being aside from the heart because they depict what a person is.

Before you used to look me in the eye and make barren promises I thought you would keep because the way you stared at me earned my trust, that there was no way I could ever doubt you, but you couldn't keep them as you still left.

I wanted to trust what Zach said, especially after he could not look me in the eye. It meant he was being genuine. But, I just recently realized that not all promises are made and they can be broken easily just as they were made.

Take us for example, we promised to be there for each other, and in the end, we have become strangers who used to know everything about each other. I didn't want to make my friends feel like their efforts were not making an impact on my life. Because I knew they were trying.

I needed to try to.

I nodded. "I understand," I said, before hesitating because I wanted to say something else. "Thank you guys. I mean it. Without you, I don't know what I would have done."

"It's alright, Lori. We are your friends, your forever ride-or-die."

I wanted to believe it, but I have been scarred by commitments that were too hard to keep. I only hoped that the same occurrence would not happen twice.

"It's getting late. It wouldn't hurt to get dinner, right guys?" Lucas suggested.

"But, where? I can't be outside for too long. Larry can't sleep without me being around." Tammy told him.

Larry was her Siamese cat that got the most share out of Tammy's love. She got it when she was twelve as she was an only child and needed a companion when her parents were outside bustling for money.

The feline reciprocated Tammy's love back by deepening his loyalty to her by hating all of us except her and Lucas. The last time I visited her home, the cat glared at me from the bars of its cage.

I was frightened by cats and could not stand to watch them roaming the same space I was in, so she had to lock him. It was not just me, she did that for all of us who were her friends and visited her home.

The others did not share the same fear as I did, but Larry loathed their guts, all of us, except Lucas, as he had been there since Larry's day one with Tammy.

Tammy and Lucas have known each other since they were babies and that was why on Tammy's twelfth birthday she was gifted Larry, he was present, when Larry regarded all the unfamiliar faces that were his new family.

"I'm pretty sure he could live a few hours without you, Tammy," Zach told her. She responded to him by glaring malevolently at him.

"Once you're a parent, you'll understand."

"You mean in a long time. Because that is not going to happen now. I'm in my golden time."

Lucas burst out laughing immediately after Zach spoke. "What do you mean by that?"

"I think he means being a playboy and playing a game of hearts with unfortunate girls that shouldn't be anywhere near him if they know what is good for them." I drank my coffee as I watched all of them pivot their way into another quarrel.

"I don't play girls like Lucas does. They recognize him, more than they do me. I do not have time to love because I want to focus on art. You should be interrogating Lucas. He's the playboy."

"Zach..." Lucas drawled. From the mirror at the front, he looked worked up.

Tammy's eyes slowly shift to Lucas. Lucas cracked up once again but it was shaky like he was nervous. "So girls huh?"

"Yes... but they don't mean anything. I only care about you—"

"I'm happy for you, that girls seem to notice you. I don't know how or why they do but I'm glad."

"Tammy, that's not what I meant." Zach tries to explain, but she does not let him, and she starts talking again.

"Let's try Italian tonight. I'm in the mood for pasta! Right, Laurene?" I was not exactly in the mood for pasta but I knew my answer must be nothing but that choice of food. It was girl code not to let your other girl down. Tammy's eyes sparkled as she looked at me.

"Yes, pasta!"

"Yay!" Tammy let out enthusiastically. I had no idea what was going through her mind but I know it was no happiness as she was showcasing. Only if she acted out on her feelings and did not hide them by pretending Lucas being noticed by other girls was not hurting her. I could have told her this but who was I to convince her to do such a thing, when I had been a coward about my feelings for you? "I'll call Rosie to meet us at Hullio's diner."

Hulio was the owner of a diner in town central. He was a fifty-year-old Italian man who earned monthly income from his miniature diner. He was well-known for his spaghetti and other Italian dishes.

Tammy typed away on her phone, trying to locate Rosie's number. Zach gave me a look that I knew all too well. It was the fact that Tammy was pretending to be naive about her feelings for Lucas when she was in love with Lucas. Lucas did not utter a single word or glimpse at Tammy while he drove us to the diner. Zach sighed, feeling responsible for what had happened.

I knew Zach was at fault for what just transpired but those two also needed to be vocal about their emotions and not scrap them simply because they were too afraid. I had made the same mistake too, and now I regret it. I could have told you I loved you before you got with Hailey. We could have lived off my perfect dream where it was just you and me existing in this chaotic world.

Only I didn't, and Hailey became the girl I could have been. You fell in love with her and I could not do anything but watch you slowly fall in love with her to the point you started planning to make a home with her, as your sidekick for the rest of your life, I had to listen to you tell me how she was it for you, and watch you fall in love with her, even though it felt like multiple daggers were repeatedly puncturing my heart, every single time you mentioned her name, or glanced her way.

I had to banish my love all in the name of saving our relationship because it was only bound to end in tears nonetheless. It was the anguish of unrequited love. There was never a happy ending, just that one must move on.