THE DINNER had not taken long before we had all piled Lucas's car. Tammy was still acting nonchalant about the whole thing, and Lucas tried poking into her bubble but the thing about bubbles was that when you try jabbing them they tend to pour all over the place.

Fortunately, Tammy was stronger than that, but that didn't mean she was not a mess. Adam tried to lighten up the atmosphere, with silly jokes but that didn't help the situation. Rosie and I insisted he stopped because it only made things worse, even though words were not uttered, we could sense it.

Tammy was only going to play oblivious to her feelings while being mad at Lucas. Lucas was going to be all over his head trying to figure out how to make amends for the trouble that was perpetrated by Adam and not being conscious of what came out of his mouth. Numerous songs crooned from the speaker of the car, all sung by Sza, and nobody dared to switch the song the whole ride to her house, as we all knew Tammy only listened to music when she was at war with her feelings.

Tammy was the most sensitive out of all of us, even though she would scarcely admit to that, and most of the time she always made it look like things hardly affected her, when it was turning her insides upside down. As her friends, as much as we wanted her to stop playing this ruse of hers and wanted as much of her that she was hiding, we knew it was best to leave her be and be patient enough until she was ready to be candid about her feelings.

Tammy did not waste any minutes scurrying out of the car. Her excuse was that Larry needed her.

When the truth was that she needed him and would probably ugly cry at the idea of Lucas being involved with numerous girls. The thought would wreck her but she would not be able to restrain her thoughts or stop pondering about that cruel idea, as her mind was going to be her biggest hater and would make sure she self-destructed to that fictional idea.

After her departure, Lucas remained lip-shut. Rosie dashed to Tammy's seat. I made sure to glare as much as possible at Adam. Although I loved him, he kind of wrecked the mood.

He looked at me and sulked. I rolled my eyes at him and hated when a smile glided across his lips because now he knew I did not hate him. It was not his fault that this kind of occurred if we looked at it from a different angle. Tammy and Lucas just needed to be honest with their feelings and stop playing around. It only ended in ruins anyway.

It was my advice to them but I could never say it out loud when I also chose to make the same mistake as you. I gambled you, my precious boy, and lost you before I even had you. I shifted towards Adam and rested my head at the bow of his neck, and without having to say anything, his long fingers perused through my hair.

Through the window, the town spun into so many weird shapes that I barely could catch sight of a building without it making its way past my eyes.

It did not take quite a while when we dropped Rosie and Adam off at their house. Lucas's house was a bit far from mine, but I was the closest to his place so I became the last person he had to chauffeur.

I also took over the front seat, which was Tammy's designated seat, and the chair Rosie had not long ago forsaken. Lucas didn't say anything when I changed the song from Drake to Gracie Abrams.

I learned to watch the town behind the window, but I liked the sight watching. I loved looking at the stars and the way they glimmered in the blackened sky even though they were not as vast and luminous as they were before when I was younger.

It was nine o'clock in the night and so far my dad had called me multiple times throughout the times I was with my friends.

I get that because he was worried and he wasn't also familiar with my new friends. He had complained too many times about them, about how they weren't you, and I wish I hadn't experienced this feeling, but I always got mad.

I despised how my parents took you as a safety net that was bound to staple me once I was in danger and it hurts that they would never know what you had done to me, and said to me in that span of knowing what I had hidden from you.

You misunderstood everything and despite my efforts to make you understand you chose to be ignorant and silenced anything I had to say. So no you were not who they thought you were. You impaired me when all I ever thought of was how you would recover.

If I were glass, Ashton, I would have shattered by now, and be shards on the ground, and it would have all been because of you.

I received another text, and I had to reply to his message. I loved my dad. He understood me and was like a friend and father all in one. I had no clue what I would do without him and I get why he was worried that I was no longer hanging out with you but with people, he had no idea of where they came from or who their parents were and I understand that it is tough for him, as the only parent's number, actually parent number he had to memorize and get accustomed to was Jen's. Now he had to write a bunch of numbers and seep them into his memory.

     The only parents he was more familiar with were Rosie and Adam's parent, and it was because they were Filipino, and always clashed at the Asian market downtown.

I had no clue how to tell him how we were no longer friends and how the mere mention of my name puts you in discomfort. I had to act most of the time like I did not care when I did. Now, I was past surrendering to my feelings and making myself sound like a villain and how you acted with me today was like my wake-up call.

My bucket of ice water I needed to be drenched in other to erase my feelings for you.

I was tired of being that one person you choose to blame, despite me repetitively telling you how sorry I was.

Tonight, it was like I was over-saturated from the constant sobbing and also being in close contact with Jaden. My insides were burning with this dull ache and I was too exhausted to even think. The whole course of tonight eventually led to me slowly shutting my eyes, and I hardly even realized when I fell asleep until I woke up to the light tapping of Lucas on my shoulder.

"We are at your house."

A tired yawn bellows out of my mouth and I quickly conceal it with my right hand. I take a few stretches and my eyes lazily turn to my house. The living room light was still on and I knew my dad was probably sitting on the couch watching television to blow away time while waiting for me.

I unbuckled the seatbelt and was about to leave the car when the sound of Lucas's voice halted me. "You could stay here for a while if you want," he told me. I did not say anything and Lucas proceeded to explain himself more. "we can talk about how you are feeling if you want, it is totally up to you. I just feel like back then I did not get to talk to you properly, but then again it is your choice to want to talk about him because you are tired-"

"I want to talk." I interrupted him. Lucas's face is a myriad of emotions and it is difficult to process what he is thinking in that thick skull of his. One thing I know of, was that just like me he was completely worn out.

My clothes had already dried but that did not mean I did not want to still change out of them. I wanted to be in my cotton PJs and lie underneath my comforter and dream of a time when you did not hate me.

Lucas reversed his chair to the back so that he could lie his back on the chair the way he would if he was sleeping. I do the same and then I struggle to say something.

The silence stretches for a while and between that interval of me finding it hard to explain myself, I realize that Gracie Abrams was still playing in the background. Lucas must have noticed where my eyes were fixated, as he rose to turn it off, but before looking at me and asking for permission.

I nodded like I was the owner of his car. Lucas lies back again. While still struggling with what to say, Lucas intervened. "Do you know what my reaction was when I first met you?"

I turned to him and slowly nodded. I did not expect the conversation to start this way but I was still antsy about what to say, so I let him talk about that nerve-wracking day when I first met him and three other people who were soon to be the best thing that happened to me.

Lucas's brown eyes twinkled as he too parachuted to that time when scared, and out-of-her-mind me sat with them for lunch at Tammy's consistent request. I had no idea what was occurring, all I knew was that I had no sense of control over my legs and I was just moving towards the table Tammy was gently maneuvering me to.

I saw people, not a lot, and they had matching smiles on their faces. Adam and Rosie had their attention on Lucas as he told them about a scandal in the school. How one of the boys at football was screwing his cheerleader's girlfriend's best friend. He mentioned their names and because of our past, I was familiar with those names that were mentioned.

"Before Rosie, Adam, and I met you, Tams had been gushing about you to us, how you and she spoke, and it was amazing. Rosie and Adam assumed that she was just overreacting since Tams was kind of a little too in love with you, before you and she even met."

"Tammy loved me?" That was a surprise and I struggled so much to believe that because it was me and I did not hold myself accountable for nice and sweet things. Although I knew Tammy loved me now, the idea of Tammy loving me before getting to know me was crazy.

"Yes, she did. Even though she acts like she acts like she is tough and all, she has always adored you way before you two became friends."

My friendship with Tammy had happened so fast like we were fated to meet. It had started with her mistakenly leaving her literature text at home. We had been reading Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights in class.

I had not been preoccupied with thoughts about you for the first time in a while, and that made me realize how my new seat partner seemed lost in class and how her eyes wandered every second. I wasted no time and asked if she would love to share, which she did as she had no other choice if she wanted to attend the class.

Although she would not still be sent out without the literature text, that one item that she left at home was what mushed us up together because, without it, we would never have had an affair. I would have never experienced that girl friendship that I have always admired and wanted.

Tammy taught me it was completely natural to cry to sad songs, or books and movies. It was okay to dance after crying and also having a random thought to change your appearance.

So my impulsive need to dye my hair red was not too irrational. I got to understand that I did not have the nastiest period cramps ever, Rosie did, she always had to go to school with a heating pad. Sometimes she doesn't even go to school.

"I never knew."

Lucas looked like he was smiling, from my one glimpse at him. "Well, now you know."

I am still startled by this news and wondered why me. Of all people. She could have liked anyone, why me, who never gave anyone a chance to know me? I was too comfortable with our friendship, I saw no need to make an effort and there was the part where no one liked me. "Why me?"

Lucas turns to look at me. His brown eyes seemed to have lost their twinkle. "I have no idea why she liked you, but I saw it along the days you spent with us. You always felt like talking whenever we all spoke about gossip that was raging in school but chose not to because you thought your opinion did not matter, and when you do talk, you make sure not to talk too much, in case you might scare us away. You always like doing things for others but when it comes to them, you do not take them doing nice stuff to you that lightly... you feel like they do not mean it and are forced to do that, but that is not always the case. You let your inner thoughts defy you before ever giving yourself a chance. You are not someone to be tossed away or disrespected, you are worth so much more. It is crazy that you don't see it." A goofy smile upturned his mouth. "That is why I am here. I will make sure to help you learn how to stop letting things get in your head and get the best of you."

His words make me feel different like I only started to realize who I have become and how I was viewed by others. It made me feel sick.

"You are making me sound like an unhappy person. If you do not know this, that is just me, and that cannot change." I looked away from him, feeling my inside crush because I thought that was what they thought of me. The sad girl moping over a friendship with a boy who wants nothing to do with her. "I admit I let things get into my head so easily." I do not know what got over me, but I suddenly could get the words out of my mouth.

"It has been this way for a long time, and I do not think it will ever stop, after the whole thing with Ash I hid the fact that Hailey cheated on him, my brain has been my biggest foe. I feel like the worst human being to exist on this planet, and he does not get what I am going through, he thinks I am okay with what has been going on, but I certainly am not. Luke, I am not okay. I feel like..." dying. But I do not say that. I just halted there, while Lucas watched me.

"I know, Lori. You are not to be blamed here. He is." he assured me while resting his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to cry so badly but I had already cried enough, my throat was too sore to allow me to cry any longer. "He's just a boy, Lori. A stupid one, who rides on cowardliness as an excuse as to why he can not be friends with you. He hurt you so much, and I hate that. I hate that you still love him, but I cannot tell you to stop having feelings for him, I can only advise you to be careful."

Somehow, I am not barren of salt water, because I cry and it is a bit different than all my other ones. My heart is stomping wildly in my chest. I think I am ruined, until Lucas brings me closer, and holds me to his chest, even though it was too uncomfortable to grasp each other.

He hardly complained and whispered sweet words that made it sound like today was not entirely the best, but tomorrow was going to be better.

"I don't think he'll ever forgive me." I sobbed.

"And you know that's fine, right?" he stopped to look at me. I really cannot look at him, right now. I was an absolute mess, and looked like I just witnessed a hurricane, but then again Lucas had seen me in even worse conditions.

From the moment Tammy introduced me to all of them, and drove me back home, despite me insisting that I would take the bus, trying to get to know me even while I was being difficult.

He sort of pushed his way to a rank I never thought I would give anyone, apart from you. He became one of my closest friends, one I loved talking to. Even though most of the time I like to pretend I would rather be somewhere else when I was with him, I was glad to be one of his pals he felt comfortable talking to.

Tammy was the same person as him. Always wanted to know how I was feeling. Making sure to sneer at you whenever you passed by, and always trying to find a flaw about you to make me stop idolizing you, despite not finding any other than your trashy personality.

The twins, Rosie and Adam, also tried to check up on me whenever they could. Rosie sent me her K-pop playlist on Spotify, which was a bunch of happy songs to make me never feel sad, and although being sad was inevitable, that was still a thoughtful thing to do for someone you met a month ago. She also made it a priority to choose my outfits as my sour mood had obliterated my sense of fashion, and all I wore was my Taylor Swift merchandise hoodies and jeans until Rosie came into my life. She insisted I always looked good. Adam tried brightening my mood by purposefully drawing ugly faces of you and you being assaulted by really dangerous items.

One time he almost drew Tammy, as it did not bore a semblance to her, but one could still know it was her in the picture, and she had just murdered you. Art Tammy had flames in her eyes and looked scary. This amused Tammy so much, that she stole the drawing and hung it on her bedroom wall, I did not have a problem with that because that sketch was mental to hang in my bedroom. Tammy said that it was an insight into the future, and was the sketch map to her diabolical plans. I laughed in her face, hoping she was only joking, yet she did not laugh along with me.

Ashton, you were so likable. When we were younger, I had joked, that you should be a doctor as you would woo every single person with your cheerful disposition and how smoothly you spoke, but now my new friends did not like you that they had taken action to draw up your murder. Although that was insane, it sounded so thoughtful, I went along with it, in the hope that this was all a joke.

My new friends were people, I felt lucky to have met, as I had no notion what I would have done without them. They were funny, stupid, and silly, also some of them were brainless because of how they acted with one another. Particularly the childhood best friends.

Lucas and Tammy would fit each other so well if they were not both acting dumb about their feelings. I knew I had to do something for them before they purposefully let this moment of their lives pass.

"As Adam rightfully said, you have us. We are going to be here, come rain or shine. Even when we are in college, I am going to disturb your nights with late-night calls. Or when we are way past college and entering that independent part of our lives, where we are working, I will make sure to be a part of your life, even if I am not there with you."

"Also when you find a partner who respects you and loves you with all his entire being because you deserve it, I will be there, cheering you on when you walk down that aisle. All of us will be there to celebrate your love and mostly you because you are our friend. We might not have met you sooner, Lori, but you've become a part of the group. I cannot imagine this group existing without you."

That night, Lucas said everything I needed to hear to me, his eyes sparkling and revealing sincerity. I wanted to burst into tears, but could not because he again buried me in his arms, and dulled out the tears that wanted to spill out of my eyes.

After a whole minute of him repeatedly patting my back, I patted his shoulder to signal him I was okay and could be released. "Can't you be this expressive to Tams? I can bet if you were anything like you are right now you would have the girl of your dreams with you."

Lucas displayed a small smile, and his eyes pivoted forward, so I could barely decode the rest of what he was feeling. "I hardly doubt that."

"Why?" Confusion is written all over my face. I can't get why they wouldn't still be together if he directly told Tammy about his feelings when she also reciprocated them back.

"It is Tams... I won't pretend I do not know she has feelings for me, I know she does, but we still won't be together because Tammy swore to never be in a relationship until she was maturely ready, and if I approach her while knowing this is not what she wants, would be so selfish of me."

Tammy had always gone on and on about how boys were foolish and dumb and she would hate to be involved with anyone for now but I did not take what she meant that seriously because it still shocks me when I discover this news. I immediately felt sad that I did not know this piece of information about one of my closest friends.

"I cannot choose to chase my feelings when she is not ready, so I have to continue playing this game of being in love with each other without actually being together." Lucas is still talking, when my phone flashes with a notification. I did not intend to look at it until I spotted a familiar name.

Jen.

Although you and I were not in a good situation, I still spoke to Jen. It seemed like she had no clue what had happened to the both of us because you had not told her like I thought you would and I also could not bring myself to tell her. I could not stand the thought of her hating me too. Every time she texted, I pretended like everything was okay.

She had asked me why I did not come over anymore and invited me over multiple times, and every single time I always had excuses. If it was not an assignment that I had deliberately left until the last minute, then lying I had a shift at Randy's when I was not even working there, but Jen knew I occasionally worked there. This time, yet again, she texted the same thing.

Come over. I miss you, my love. No excuses this time.

Lucas must have noticed my attention was diverted because I felt his eyes on me. "What happened Lauren?"

I hated this. Always playing the victim. It made me feel useless to my friends. I kind of did not want to say anything to him, but this was Lucas, who has always had my back ever since I met him, who seemed interested in my life and never looked at me like I was too much trouble. He cared and I hate that his concern would later turn into disdain when I become too much to handle.

I still tell him, as I know he would not allow me to leave his car, without explaining my sudden change of emotions. "It's Jen," I told him, but he still did not understand who that was, and I explained further. "Ashton's mother." The crinkle on his eyebrows dissolved as he stared at me in understanding. Then not even a while later, confusion is etched on his face.

"You're still in contact with Ashton's mother?"

I nodded. "We've always been close. She considered me as the other child she never had. I was practically her daughter. When the whole thing had occurred, I originally thought Ash would tell her and she wouldn't want anything to do with me because he is her son and she would take his side, as I helped in hiding his girlfriend's infidelity from him-"

Lucas interrupted me. "You mean to save him from the heartache he would have felt if you had told him about what Hailey had done because what happened after that was not your fault."

"Right, I did that," The look Lucas gave me looked like he was not satisfied with my negative mindset. I did not try to clarify myself to him and continued. "But Jen has done nothing but act friendly towards me, which can only mean he did not tell her or she knows and is taking my side? Ugh! This is so confusing." I burrowed my head in my hands.

"It is only confusing because you make it sound that way." Lucas tried to pry my hand away from my face. "C'mon, what did she tell you?"

I looked him in the eye. "That she wanted to hang out with me. In her house. Where Ashton will be there and we all know how he acts whenever I am around."

At this point, the entire school was aware of your hatred towards me as you made it a point to glare at me any time we found ourselves in the same room, which was impossible to avoid because we attended the same school and our cafeteria was not that big, and it just so happened that my new group of buddies table was right in front of your table with your group of friends.

You always chewed me out every chance you got, whenever our eyes caught each other, which always happens all the time because somehow our eyes always caught up with one another.

Tammy always had to divert my attention whenever you were around by always talking about the smutty book that at that time she was reading. Tammy was a big reader, she was always with a different one every day. We shared that hobby so well, that I always lost myself in her narration, but not completely.

You and I in the same room was going to be absolute chaos. You would not be able to handle showing your loathing for me, and anyone with eyes would be able to read into that and realize how much you did not like me. Jen was not stupid. She had always noticed the little things. It would not be difficult for her to find out if I went over to your house. She would realize that when we do not talk to each other, or when you do not try to steal me away from her. I could not go over to your place. I could not bear the thought that Jen did not like me either. It would destroy me.

"I can't go, Lucas," I told him.

"Then don't," he replied. That answer did not sit well with me and it made me feel like I was not expecting that kind of answer from him.

"I just can't... she told me she did not want excuses. What if I hurt her by not coming over?"

"But you will be saving yourself from experiencing being hurt all over again. You know being in the same room as Ashton would only make you feel even worse. He would make sure that you feel regretful for your actions by purposely being petty and glaring at you. If Ashton's Mom had no clue you two were quarreling, she would know upon seeing the both of you."

He was right. I hated that he made sense. Now the ball was in my court, to decide if I was going to your house or making up another excuse. I hated this. I did not like lying. I did not feel better like you think when I lied to you multiple times.

Knowing it was for a good cause was how I was able to continue. Although, I was sure you did not think I felt sick omitting so many things to you. I did not want to lose another relationship with another person I cared about.

Jen was like a mother figure to me, and I would hate to lose her like I did with you. Even though it would bring me back to level zero by going over there, it was worth not destroying my relationship with her.

As for Jen finding out, we were not on speaking terms, she would not have to know. I would simply continue what you have been doing. Not telling her. It was clear she had no clue that we were no longer friends as she would not invite her son's enemy over to her house if she knew about our fallout. I knew it was so stupid of me to even decide to do this but I was desperate.

I did not want to lose her too, the same way I lost you. I could not listen to Lucas. He knew that too. He smiled sadly at me. "I know you are thinking otherwise, and want to go over to his place." My eyes flee away from his. "It is okay. I get it. If the same shit happened to me and Tammy, and either if her parents invited me over, I would not delay not visiting them. I would not want to lose them, just because I am no longer friends with Tams, but I do not think that could ever happen to us, that is why I could not see the picture. If it would make you happy, do it. If he does something to you, do not hesitate to call me, I will come to pick you up."

His smile lengthens when I continue trying to find faults in him. His eyes glimmered as he smiled at me. I cannot stop myself from smiling too. How lucky was I to find such a friend? I cannot help but realize that even if I do not want to, I will always have these people in my life because unlike you, they want me around them. They did not push me away at the sight of one mistake of mine. They instead tried to understand why I chose to settle for that decision. "Thank you, Lukey." I grinned at him because everyone knew he despised anyone calling him that, except Tammy. It was one of her many nicknames for him.

His smile diminished as he glared at me. "I refuse to let you call me that."

"I know, I know, only Tams can call you that." I sighed. "I hope I find the kind of love you two share for each other."

His pretense of being mad at me disintegrated and his usual warm smile took over his appearance. "You would find even something better. Just be patient, Lori."

His words sit in my mind for a long time, even when I leave his car and close the door shut, and he drives home while I climb the stairs to my house. I dwell on the thought of falling in love with someone... a person that was unrelated to you. Many years ago that would sound impossible. I was tied to you for life, but now, you chose to hurl hurtful words at me and did not look at me the same way anymore.

Currently, you sort of do not resemble the Ashton I used to know. The boy I used to love. The person you were was different, and my heart could not align with your charm any longer. You did not possess that sweet boy persona you used to have. Call me an impostor who said so many things before and is saying different things now, but what would stay accurate is that you abused my love for you and also did not love me back, so why should I enslave myself by waiting for you?

My love was not something so easy. It should not be bought that effortlessly. How can I still love the same boy whose mission was to pummel me to the ground, when I had been taught that to love someone was to make them feel secure and happy, which in the past you had always done, but now you were a changed person, that was not you, or was you, and I had no clue because you were completely unreal with me, but I have known you since we were kids so you could not have pretended to me the whole time.

Although I had no idea what was going on anymore, one thing was well-defined, and that was I was tired of loving you.

It did not feel that blissful anymore. I felt worse when I looked at you. My love for you sidetracked me into believing I was not worth any love and that I was better off alone.

I had just rang the doorbell when the sound of the roaring of an engine got my attention and a massive bike sped off too fast before I could even begin to catch a glimpse of it. The only thing my eyes were able to detect was the broad shoulders of the biker. Soon, the entrance door opens and my father's worried face is what I can look at.

I completely shunned away all thoughts to properly answer all his questions, and there were many, because of that, I entirely forget that at some point I wondered whose love would wholly fill my heart and make me feel at peace, until I am in my bed, and the whole of today starts to penetrate itself right in my mind.

I did not think love was necessary to have now, at this point of my life, but I always imagined, and all my entire life it had always been you until Jaden came into my life for a while, but later after that was over, I ended up falling for you once again. Now, I was not quite sure if I wanted to be in love with you any longer.

——