"Bauwens! How's it going?"

"It's going well," I tell Scott over the phone that's cradled against my shoulder. "Hang on a sec--Alexa, pause."

Once the music shuts off, I step off the stool I had been standing on and take my phone in my hand. I, admittedly, had given into some of my compulsions this morning. I was organizing and reorganizing my closet. I knew by now that giving into the compulsions just made everything worse--giving life to the tidying simply fueled it further. I hadn't given into my OCD for awhile now, and it felt good, like an itch I needed to scratch. Yet at the same time I was grateful for the unexpected phone call.

The thing about OCD is that, while it might feel good in the present, it also feels absolutely awful. It was a spiral where one thing led to another, and then before you know it the entire day has been wasted away. For example; it started where I had reorganized my hangers. Obviously as clothes get worn, they start to show their age. I decided it would be good to arrange them from crisp and fresh looking to slightly faded.

Once that was done, I had moved into the upper shelves. Shoes were always a problem for me, and I found myself constantly rearranging them. This time I organized them by type--boots versus converse versus gym shoes versus dress shoes. Once that task was completed, I then went back to make sure they were all lined up perfectly, with just the very tips of each sole peeking over the edge of the white shelf. Once that was done I realized I hadn't organized them by size; not shoe size, but overall size. So I switched shoes around, and reorganized, and kept going until my phone rang.

"I'm happy you called," I tell Scott truthfully, looking at my shoes and frowning deeply. It still didn't look right to me. Logically I knew it didn't matter--shoes didn't have to be perfect. Also, not like anyone was going to see my closet. But I would, and I knew, so it had to be perfect--whatever that was.

"Oh?"

"Yeah," I say with a chuckle, "I'm driving myself a bit crazy today."

"I'm in the area," Scott says. "Well, New York, anyway. Fancy a visit?"

"Really?" I ask excitedly. "That'd be awesome!"

"Excellent," Scott says. "Text me your address since Amy picked me up last time, and I'll see you later this afternoon."

I grin. "Can't wait."

As we hang up, my smile drops and I look back at the shoes. Frowning and sighing, I go back to trying to make everything perfect for no one.

~

Scott showed up, and I gave him the tour. Yes, he had been here before, but we hadn't explored every nook and cranny on my birthday.

"Sorry it's so small compared to your place," I say whimsically over my shoulder.

Scott laughs and shoves me. We're in my kitchen, and I'm about to lead him out into my backyard. "Now, while I don't have horses, I do really like my backyard."

Opening up the sliding door, I step out. Directly out back is a small mudroom. It's part mudroom and part poolside lounge area. From there, continuing forward, to the right is my wooden sauna. Once you leave the pool-sauna area, the backyard opens up.

"I wish you could see all this during the summer," I tell him over my shoulder. "You know, when everything is alive and fresh."

"This is so neat," Scott says, looking around himself at the topiary evergreens and the bushes that are budding.

We make it to my hedge maze, and I continue speaking. "The hedge maze looks a little weird right now; it's neat in the winter when it's completely dead and snow covered, and it's gorgeous in the summertime. Now it just looks sad and bare."

Scott leans forward and pops his head in a moment. He then looks at me. "Is it an actual maze?"

I grin. "Yup."

"Like, a maze maze."

I laugh. "Yes. It's an actual maze with only one way in and one way out."

"Has anyone gotten lost in it?"

That makes me laugh again. "Yeah, plenty of people! When I had it made the landscaper gave me the plans, obviously, so I knew how to get in and out. But before I memorized it, I would go into it and get lost with the blueprint in my back pocket."

Scott grins at me. "That's actually really cool."

I shrugged. "It was a good way to unwind." I wince a little, and I can feel myself turn red. "I also rather enjoyed getting plastered out here..."

"How big is it?"

"An entire acre." I grab his wrist. "C'mon, you clearly are jazzed for this."

Scott laughs, allowing me to pull him into the maze. I insist he lead the way. I can tell he's nervous of getting lost at first, but after a while we're having fun, chatting and laughing. After a while the sun starts to go down, and I tell him I'll lead him out. Just then my phone rings.

"Jacob!" I greet cheerfully. "S'up?"

"I'm back from Wisconsin."

"Yeah? How was it?"

There's a long pause, and I'm not exactly sure why. "It was good!"

"Jacob."

"What?"

"Jake."

"What?"

"Jake!"

"WHAT?!"

I can't help myself, I laugh. "What was with the pause?"

"I was just thinking about how nice it was to get away," he tells me.

"You've always been a horrible liar."

Jake laughs. "I'm not lying. Look, why don't you come over and we'll hang out, okay?"

"Sure. Bye."

Before he can say anything, I hang up.

"Who was that?"

I jump, completely forgetting Scott was there. Pressing my hand to my chest, I let out a breath. "Jesus..."

Scott laughs.

"Fuck, I forgot you were here."

"Well gee, thanks for that, Bauwens."

"It was Jake. My bassist. You met him at my birthday. He just invited me over--wanna come?"

After thinking about it, hands in his pockets and swaying back and forth a bit, Scott shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

"Awesome," I say, starting to walk off towards where I know is the exit. "He lives right next door."

"That's something."

"Yeah, and Ben, my drummer, lives on the other side."

"Wow, you all got houses together?"

"Yeah," I explain, emerging from the maze with Scott close behind me. We head back towards the house so I can grab my keys and lock up. "It was back when Saturn Mutants was still fairly new..."

I trail off, thinking about back then. Thinking about what it had taken to get my house. I still somehow managed to feel guilty over it. It made me uncomfortable knowing that EMI basically fronted me the money so I could escape an abusive situation.

I'm sure Gloria had to be honest with whoever was in charge of our contract at EMI about why I wanted the funds shifted. Knowing that someone I hadn't met knew I was being abused...Knowing that I just wanted to get out of my situation desperately...

I didn't like the vulnerability. What did the person at EMI think of me? Did they pity me? Feel sympathy? I didn't want any of that. I didn't want anyone to look at me and think, 'Oh hey, it's that guy who came from a broken home'. It's humiliating, and uncomfortable, and I hate it. I loathe it.

Scott looks at me. "You alright Bauwens?"

"Yup," I lie, shutting the door a little harder than I had meant to. "C'mon."