Just reading my thoughts from so long ago is unbelievably difficult. I thought this would be one of the easiest things I have had to do since I would just be typing out what was already written. But putting myself back in that mindset of just being brainwashed by my family and the people closest to me of what was okay and not okay is a struggle. A person doesn't really realize how bad it was until they are finally out of those situations and away from those people and can look back at it. I honestly thought it wouldn't be so bad to just read some of my journals and see what was going on during that time since I already have to talk about these things with a therapist, but it is so completely triggering in every aspect. 

I made a joke with my new therapist about how I have gone through so many negative experiences in my short life of twenty years that I might as well write a book on them so that when I had to tell people these things, I could just give them the book. 

During that time of my life, in 2016, it was really the peak in the abuse from both my parents and my boyfriend, as well as the peak in toxic friendships. 

As I was typing out that entry, which was basically a shrine to my abusive ex boyfriend, I thought about a lot of things. Since I described his entire personality, which was basically because it was the closest I could be to being with him, I noticed a lot of similarities with him and my current boyfriend. I really don't know how I feel about that. I already pieced together that they had a lot of similar interests in at least music and even sexually, but just reading it, I could see that their personalities were very strikingly similar. 

When I was done typing, I tried to call him because I was going through a lot of anxiety and PTSD issues just from that one entry, and he didn't answer. Instead he texted me and asked why I called instead of just calling back like he normally does. I can't just tell him that he reminds me of one of the people in my life that treated me so badly that I went to attempt of suicide to get away from them. 

I ended up calling Sara instead, though she has done so many things to hurt me, and was one of the worst toxic friendships I ever had, she was actually there with me when all of these things were happening. We talked about our memories of this time and I told her what I was doing. 

Just seeing how difficult this is for me, tells me that I should do it, because I know I never actually coped with these experiences. Maybe now I finally can. 

Today was my aunt's birthday. I ended up cleaning the kitchen for her while she was driving to the other side of the state for her daughter. Tori's license was expired and she got something mailed to the house for it. Because COVID messed everything up. She liked what I did with the kitchen, so that was nice. 

I went for a drive around 10pm and got some Arby's because I realized I hadn't eaten anything since 12pm. When I got back, my aunt told me that my mom had called her and left a voicemail saying "Do you know what your niece is up to? If not, she's probably lying about it." 

When she told me that, I said "I literally just went to Arby's and spilled marinara sauce on my lap.", showing her the stain. 

Just when I was feeling good about myself, and finally escaping my mother, she forces her way back into my life and tries yet again to start drama. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get back into the same mindset I was when I was fifteen. I don't want to take away from all of the progress that I've made. It just feels like I'm starting back at that point in my life again, with both her and my current boyfriend being so much like Spencer.