Date Published: 27 July 2023
Word count: 3835

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DROWN

Long past my liberation
Memories of anguish, resurface
His voice resounding
From myriad depths of my soul
Devouring my psyche
Like a cackling inferno!
Claws of the past
Sunk into my marrow
My scars brandished form and
Pain simmering mind
Dusting and exhuming
Those fossils of shame,
That shun me to the grave!

Hitting the rock bottom
In mind-numbing stillness of perpetuity
I found the pearls of insight.
I was not lost,
Nor did I drown, but woken
Not buried, nor destroyed,
but transformed
Wasting and whimpering, spent all my life
You can cry me a river
Alas! I shall weep no more! For
Have you seen an ocean drown?
                                              -by Anu

~~~~~~~~~

Five years after the successful conviction of Chandrakanth, Paarth receives a call from the prison authorities to inform him that Chandrakanth was ill and was taken to the prison hospital. When Paarth and Sneha rush to meet him, he is in a critical state after a cardiac arrest. The necessary medical aid was provided and he survives.

Upon regaining consciousness after three days he insists on meeting Padmini. When Padmini enters his room, Chandrakanth tries to get up and hold her hand emotionally, while she stays distant and aloof. 

"Hope you are feeling better now. You shouldn't strain" The words of concern did not match Padmini's hardened features.

He sheds tears and apologises profusely to her, having lost a lot of weight and lacking all the luxury and top-notch grooming in prison, Chandrakanth doesn't look anything like his former self.

"I'm sorry Padmini for everything! Please forgive me! I have been so cruel to you... I sit here and think about my life and feel ashamed of myself. Now I realise what I have lost." he glances toward his children "Please, Padmini will you forgive me?"

She stays tenacious and doesn't reply. "Speak something... anything Padmini.  I cannot die peacefully until you forgive me" Neither a muscle nor a nerve in her system sways in his favour.

She senses that Chandrakanth was getting angry, she glances at the tightening grip, her lips curl upwards in a knowing smile.

"I knew it." He barks, "You are happy to see me suffering. Aren't you? You must be celebrating while I'm rotting in jail. How heartless you are? Even after seeing me like this you can't accept my apology?" he wheezes and coughs.

"You can't change and won't change." she glances at him calmly. "You have given me nothing but grief and pain all my life. But expect bailout so early on in the journey?" even uttering his name feels like it would scorch her tongue, she wriggles her hand out of his grip and steps away.

"You hate me so much, isn't it? You were waiting to see me suffer like this without a penny? Even on my deathbed, you wouldn't care for me?" Chandrakanth sneers while struggling to breathe.

"Hate is a strong word. It is also a way of keeping your memories and relationship alive. I don't feel anything towards you. You aren't that worthy."

Padmini turns around and walks out of the room while Paarth, Sneha, and Aparna stand at the foot of the bed witnessing their interaction, flabbergasted. Sneha was the first to snap out of her shock and run behind Padmini.

"Mumma" she breathlessly catches up with Padmini and pulls her into a fierce hug. Padmini embraces her too and the women exchange a silent reassurance of mutual love and respect.

〰️〰️〰️〰️

"Maa, why have you named this place Aangan?"
Vanya sat beside Padmini placing the laptop on the floor and taking a break from her work.

Padmini gently pushed away the teenager's purple-coloured bangs away from her eyes and chuckled as Vanya whined.

"Maa it's called bangs for a reason" ruffling and resetting her hair in her usual shaggy look. 

"Aangan, or 'courtyard' has a lot of significance in Indian households. Indian houses never had the concept of a 'living room' per se. The whole house would be jostling with life since they used to live as joint families, so at an average one single house would have a minimum of twenty people across three generations. 

The rest of the rooms and the kitchen are built around the courtyard, which was centrally located and is often structured as 'open to sky' letting in generous sunlight and air.

Courtyards can take many forms. Family members sit around the courtyard to chat or have serious family discussions. It can be the kid's play area and their study room. In summers it would turn aromatic and mouthwatering with the homemade pickles and papads being sundried on clean white cloths. It served as a mini party hall for small celebrations seldom even weddings. I wanted everyone here to feel at peace and comfortable. When you say Aangan it would give them a cozy memory and nostalgic feel, like their parental homes." 

Padmini never could contain the adoration that spontaneously surfaced in her heart for Vanya. The little girl had continued her therapy and studies simultaneously, with a fair share of struggles and several very rough days in the past seven years.

"Why did you choose to start Aangan? I mean there are other ways to fight domestic violence, if you wanted to eliminate it", Vanya had always been curious to know the reason.

"Hmmm... Yes, there are ways that one can fight this crime. Like protesting, fighting for justice or filing cases against the perpetrators and forcing the government to make stringent laws and all that. Erm...  how do I put it?"
Padmini paused to gather her thoughts.

"you have heard about the world wars and all that right? What do you think is needed to aid the soldiers who are fighting on the frontline?"

"weapons, advanced machinery perhaps and good strategy?" Vanya answered as a matter of factly.

"I don't deny. That is one-half of the requirement. Have you heard of Florence Nightingale?"

Vanya cocked her head to the side in confusion wondering where Padmini was heading. She had learnt about Florence Nightingale in her history classes.

"When all the injured soldiers were dying in... I forgot which war it is.." laughing nervously "there was a lot of infection spreading and not enough trained nurses available and medicine wasn't as advanced during that time. When she arrived at the camp she did more than a regular nurse would do to save the lives of the soldiers. Working day and night tirelessly to ensure they all recovered and the number of deaths reduced."

Padmini smiled, "To win a battle, healers are as important as soldiers because they are the ones who help the innocent injured. I was fortunate enough that I have all the resources and a supportive family and friends. If I do not contribute in any way to help these women, I can never forgive myself. It would be a crime if I shut my eyes and ears and think just because I escaped, evil doesn't exist.

I'm sorry my child... I should have gathered courage and helped Kayla. I don't think any justification..."

"Maa" Vanya reached forward and hugged Padmini, "nobody is blaming you. And none of it is your fault. Mom trusted him way too much. I'm sure she would be very proud of me if she sees me today, the way you have raised me. Thank you, Maa!"

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Sixteen-year-old Vanya sat cross-legged on the small bamboo sofa in Padmini's office. She was engrossed in editing and re-reading her school project report on her laptop.

Placing a coffee cup on the table in front of her, Padmini stood behind Vanya and gathered her unruly hair in a ponytail. Eyes still glued on the screen Vanya fleetingly kissed Padmini's wrist "Thanks maa".

"When is the project due? Next month?" Padmini walked towards her desk and settled down with some files herself.

The teenager bobbed her head while sipping her coffee "Aaahhh... Gauri Aunty is the best coffee maker in the world. I'm gonna pack her and you with me when I go to college".

Padmini chuckled and got herself busy and both of them proceeded to work in silence. After about an hour of silence, footsteps approaching the room were heard.

"Hey! KP!" Vanya greeted without removing her attention from the monitor, raising her hand for a high-five casually.

It was met with equal enthusiasm, "Hello there purple monkey!" the high-five resounded across the room, Padmini removed her reading glasses and perched it atop her head, glancing at the pair in front of her.

"been thinking of asking you Vani... How do you know every time it's him without looking?"

"simple" Shrugging her shoulders Vanya looked away from her computer screen "KP has always been using the same perfume, which no one else uses. And..." she hesitated for a bit and lowered her eyes to the floor.

"Continue..." he nudged her shoulder.

"He... He walks unsteadily... Umm..." She seemed in discomfort to finish the sentence.

"I lean on my injured right leg while I walk, due to which my shoes create a unique sound. Right?" Kabeer smiled at Vanya.

"KP... I'm sorry! I didn't mean to..."

"You know that doesn't bother me. Why apologise? I'm in fact very impressed with your keen observation skills. Razor sharp like this police officer, who happens to be your inspiration!" He arched his eyebrows and smirked.

"Blehhhh!" Vanya made a gagging sound and a disgusted face to match with, "Thank you for the offer, but not interested KP."

She shut her laptop and stood up stretching her muscles, "Maa I'm going to go meet everyone. Do you need any help?"

Padmini smiled, "Just ask Gauri to get tea for Kabeer".

"Ok! Bye guys! Also, Maa don't mind that my things are all over the place, I'll clean up before we leave."

Padmini glanced at the books and gadgets spread all over the coffee table and the sofa and sighed.

"So, how have you been? How was the meeting at the welfare department?"

Padmini's eyes widened at the last question.

"They asked me to speak to the inmates. They are also organising some classes and wanted to know if our inmates would be interested to join. The chairman wanted to know more about the kitchen service that I'm running."

"It's a great idea, the rehabilitation work. The way you have each one of them engaged in some work that they are interested in."

Padmini held a soft smile, "the only thing that these women yearn for is acceptance and respect. They also need a reason to live, that too with self-respect and independence" closing the file in front of her and placing it in the cabinet beside her, Padmini tidied her desk.

"Working, earning, and being able to achieve something gives them immense joy and satisfaction. They were all in tears when they got their first profit. And seeing them all happy and achieving something gives me the utmost satisfaction and a reason to keep working hard.

Not all of these women are educated Kabeer and catering seemed to be the best choice for them. I just had to teach them a bit about hygiene practices and how to dress and interact with people in an office environment. Started with a cafe facility at our new office, and now they are also providing lunch for about fifty staff there. Initially, I guided them a bit, but now they manage everything leaving only the accounts to Vimla. And they have also come up with the idea of a uniform."

Padmini stood and opened the cabinet behind her and placed a bag on the table. Kabeer curiously emptied the contents of the bag to reveal two sets of tailored green salwar kameez and a small chef's cap, with Aangan Kitchens embroidered in white on the cap. Padmini's face beamed with happiness.

Placing the uniforms back inside the cabinet, "How was your London trip? How are Meera and Abhi?"

"They are fine! Abhi is enjoying his new school and new home. And Meera..." Kabeer paused as his voice cracked.

"She..." he exhaled deeply. "I'm at peace now, Padmini really happy. Pranav or rather Dr Pranav" he corrected himself nervously, happiness and excitement bubbling in his voice.
"He is a good guy, a great guy in fact! They love each other and even Abhi, he takes care of Abhi's needs so well... being a paediatrician he of course understands. His parents are doctors too they have also accepted Meera. I think his former wife had created quite a bit of a drama, so they have their guards up."

"I remember Parul mention about it. Pranav and Parul's husband Akash are second cousins but they are a close-knit family. I'm happy for Meera and Abhi too."
Padmini couldn't ever forget the days when Meera cared for her like a sibling. She had requested Parul to help Meera and Abhi since Kabeer feared that they might be targeted again when trying to expose Padmini's kidnappers.

Vanya burst through the door hyper-excited like a kid "Maa... maa... maa... maa...." she ran up to Padmini and tugged her hand leaving both Padmini and Kabeer confused, "Maa come on... come on with me. KP you too come quickly"! She dragged Padmini out of the room and practically ran towards the backyard. Kabeer followed them to the garden.

The backyard garden was divided into two sections a vegetable patch that occupied the majority of space, with some flowering plants and shrubs bordering along the compound wall.

Padmini spotted Shom, Gauri's husband who was the all-rounder handyman at Aangan, crouched in the corner near the kennel. Vanya had adopted an abandoned Labrador pup from Sneha's vet clinic and named her Primrose because of her pink snout. Paarth had adopted one more pup which she named Groot since he kept making only one singular growling noise no matter what. 

"Madam... ten puppies..." Shom called excitedly. "Hello, Kabeer sir! Welcome back!"

Kabeer acknowledged him by waving. Kabeer had accepted a job offer at the Jagannath Group on Paarth's insistence but refused to stay at Kanth Manor. After much hesitation when Parul questioned Padmini and Kabeer if they wanted to get married, they both burst out laughing. They assured the entire family that they were just friends.

"Ms Rajvansh we both have reached that stage where we don't need any love interest or sexual partner or whatever you want to call it. We are just good friends and we both know that we do not have any other expectations from each other."

"Parul, apart from you I have never had any friend in my life, Kabeer is filling that void. And it feels so exhilarating when I see a man treat me as an equal and with respect."

There were moments of comfortable silence and hair-ripping arguments between them and after a few minutes, they would just begin interacting like nothing ever happened. They never felt the need to apologise or thank each other. No ego, no disappointments!

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Vanya was bouncing with joy eager to take the pups, but Shom warned her not to touch them until the mother will allow her to, explaining how protective they are of the pups. Vanya squatted on the ground placing a bowl of water near the tired mother and affectionately scratched her head. She was alternately cooing to the dog, kissing her and then drilling Shom with questions about the pups who lay huddled in the warmth and comfort of the mother's fur coat.

"Oohhh Shom uncle they look like sausages" Vanya snorted and giggled.

Kabeer and Padmini sat on the steps leading down to the backyard with their tea cups. "How are things at home?"

"Everybody's fine. They are having a meeting today regarding launching some Electronic vehicles in India. Paarth informed you right?"

She glanced at him half turning her head, squinting her eyes against the rays of the setting sun that shone behind his head. He nodded his head in affirmation.

"The little ones are enjoying school and spoilt at home by this aunt of theirs." Padmini jerked her head in Vanya's direction smiling.

"All three are attached to her hip 24/7. It is so amazing how she has managed to walk away from her traumatising past. Tough kid!"

Padmini reminisced the several days when Vanya used to have anxiety attacks at school and she had to rush to pick her up and take her to hospital.

Kayla's daughter had grown a lot, from the distraught little curled-up ball in tears at the hospital waiting area to picking business studies as her career option. Vanya had been nothing but an inspiration and miracle to her.

Kabeer was lost in thoughts of his own. The sheer grit with which Padmini had worked in the past few years, was astonishing. The property where they are now seated was none other than the former farmhouse of the Malhotras.

Padmini had it demolished as soon as Kayla passed away, she didn't want it to be a reminder of the traumatising times for Vanya. A few years later when the question of space for Aangan came up, she decided it would be built here. Aangan was a refuge of hope, love, safety and respect for all. Vanya took a liking to this place and said there was a sense of tranquillity she felt there.

There were women from various socioeconomic backgrounds here at Aangan. Some were educated and some were dropouts and a couple of them were completely illiterate. Four of them had brought their children with them.

Vimla the accountant, had left her house when she was 6 months pregnant. Her husband who worked in Dubai was unaware of the abuse his parents were subjecting her to. When Vimla complained to her husband, they accused her of cheating on him and claimed the baby was not his unfortunately he believed his parents. Her father refused to take her with him and said she should apologise for misbehaving with her in-laws and stay with her husband.

While staying at her friend's house and looking for a job she had seen Chandrakanth and Padmini's case on TV and newspapers. Amidst all the security fighting her way through, Vimla approached Padmini one day outside the court and explained her dilemma.

"Ma'am, what should I do now? Go back to that house where the man I once loved refuses to believe me and beg him for the sake of this child or..." wiping her tears furiously "Fight it alone for the sake of my self-respect?"

Padmini was shattered, she hugged Vimla and took her home. Vimla refused to stay there, for more than a day.

"Maam, with all due respect and love I cannot impose any more than I already have. Just help me find a job and I will move to a working women's hostel."

Padmini argued, "Vimla you are pregnant and how can I leave you at a hostel? Who will take care of you and the baby? You must stay here."

"You are already overwhelmed with the court case, two pregnant women at home and Vanya too. I can't do this to you."

Kabeer who was witnessing their war of words suggested that there are NGO shelters for women who have been through domestic violence or those abandoned by family. He took them to one such NGO and later they met the state women's welfare department members who helped Vimla file a case against her inlaws.

This was where Padmini gathered more knowledge about the legalities and thorough knowledge about helping women who have been through abuse and setting up her shelter - Aangan.

This had been her call ever since she returned home after being kidnapped. She initially volunteered at the NGO and learnt the nuances of talking and handling victims, to provide counselling in the absence of a certified counsellor or therapist. Meanwhile, the construction and legal work to set up Aangan was on.

The court had ordered Chandrakanth to pay a lump sum compensation to Padmini and Vanya. Kayla had revealed to Padmini that he had purchased some properties in London and these details were submitted to court. Arrangements were made to sell these properties with Padmini and Vanya being made the sole beneficiaries. Padmini set up a trust fund from her share of compensation.

🔅🔅🔅🔅

Is there a proven and foolproof way to live a perfect life?

Am I the only one who has failed at it?

Was a manual handed out on 'how to live on earth', while we were birthed? Did I miss the queue?

Is it supposed to be that easy to forgo all the pain and the traps of recurring memories of trauma that seem like an active volcano erupting with an unrelenting vengeance inside my body?

Why do movies and dramas show the female lead escaping from her
painful past with a triumphant smile toward the improbable
horizon?

Did I delay in reporting him to the police?

Was I relishing being the victim? Am I the villain?

We all are riddled with these questions or self-doubts, and we keep torching ourselves time and again. It happens unconsciously because we have been conditioned to suffer, to be in a miserable place mentally and emotionally, by people who have abused us.

The good news is, you can kick that habit and learn to live normally. You deserve to be happy, successful, and peaceful. You are entitled to a respectable life, you deserve love and affection. You are free to think, speak, act, eat, dress, and live as per your wish. You are beautiful and brilliant and you are a blessing. You... are God's child... we all are!

"I'm just passing on the kindness that I received from some good souls in my life.

I cannot go thanking every individual that has in some way impacted my life positively.

Pausing to take a breath, Padmini continued, "If you all ever feel the need to thank me or the volunteers here just do as I say. Pass on the kindness! Help someone needy. There is always someone who needs some emotional support, love and care genuinely, those who have been hurt like us. Give them the love that you sought."

After a brief pause, Padmini looked around the audience of fifty-odd women, volunteers and NGO workers who had gathered in that auditorium to raise awareness about Domestic Violence. Padmini was one among the speakers there who addressed the gathering as a survivor.

The conviction and truth in Padmini's voice touched the hearts of the women. Every word she uttered had nudged their wounded hearts gently to accept and begin their journey of healing and finding their voice.

I'm Padmini. I'm 55 years old and this is my story."

THE END