Text in italics - Padmini's thoughts

The last time I decided to face my truth; to admit that I was a victim of domestic violence, to open up about them to someone it was like walking into a garbage dump. I had to sift through piles and piles of incidents and the emotions associated with them and land up getting frustrated and feeling weak and worthless.

One memory of abuse lead to the memory of another, so on and so forth; it was like holding the end of the unravelled yarn, that was just a tangled mess.

Before I could ponder on one and process its impact and the emotions it set in motion; the memory of another overpowered me, then another, then another, like huge tsunami waves crashing inside leaving me devastated.

It came down clamouring in my head, setting off endless heartache and self-hatred; and in the end, I was just an emotional hand grenade. The more I spoke about it the more it hurt, it felt like my organs were being ripped off of my body while I was conscious. Sakshi, my therapist said that it would hurt more than it originally hurt when the actual abuse happened, but that was the only path available for healing. Revisiting and addressing every emotion I had denied myself to feel, except humiliation, which he wanted me to feel.

"You are a brave woman, do you realise that?"

We were trying to get out of the airport and back into the city.

"Yes, if the definition of brave has been changed overnight in all languages, I'm one indeed".

A bitter pang stabs my chest, as I realise how rude I sounded. He is annoying me so much and making me do things that I never realised I was capable of. Sometimes he makes me so angry that I want to slap him. I'm surprised at how much liberty I take in being very expressive with him.

"I'm a simpleton but not an imbecile hope you know that."

I snap at him. I was trying to be defensive, trying hard to show that I was not affected by my past and he was hell-bent on tearing me down and making me cry.

His face doesn't show any emotion so I can't decipher if he was being sarcastic or genuine. I was furious but was holding myself back.

"See, this is why you should have continued your education or at least learnt to talk back so that you won't be running out of words to curse me".

He sounded amused, I glance at him but his face is hardened like steel not showing any emotion and very conveniently hiding behind those stupid sunglasses.

He can be more annoying than Chandra... no scratch that.. he is THE MOST ANNOYING MAN on the planet. I huff to myself. I also realise that he is right, but why would I concede to that and make him gloat? My eyes sting and my chest feels like it's going to explode, but masking all of these has been my game and I'm successful in it too.

"If I was brave enough I would have ended the relationship long back or at least done something about it, fought with him or something. I couldn't even question him. What sort of bravery is that?"

A defeated sigh escapes me while I furiously turn away to blink off the tears that are ready to slip.

"So according to you bravery or courage means only to pick up a fight with somebody? Or run away?" He bobs his head and drums his fingers against the steering wheel.

I have to come to hate that challenging tone of his and how he pushes me to the brink until I break down and acknowledge defeat and face my worst fears and nightmares and I also hate to admit that it works. I glance at the raindrops that slide down the windshield of the car like the unshed tears stinging my eyes.

He is persistent in making me come out of my shell, to break the barriers I have laid guarding my feelings. He is adamant about me accepting that I have indeed crossed the toughest phase of my life. He wants me to openly admit that I'm not a failure. How do I tell him, that these words are breaking me, making me feel more vulnerable?

How do I accept that no one has ever said that to me? Not that my family did not care, they were kept in the dark, by me. Even Parul who has cared for me more than a sister would, was unaware of what was going on between Chandra and me. He forced me to hide it, the cunning jackal that he is, 'your status against mine; your words against mine Padmini, it's not going to happen.'

My ego wouldn't let me succumb. How can I shed the tough armour that I claim to have adorned?

"Mr Kabeer Pratap Rana just because you were an intelligent police officer and a much-educated man than me, don't throw this kind of cock and bull theories at me"

I add snarkily, shaking my head in disbelief. His smirk widened, which made me want to bang my head against the car window.

"Also, what do you mean? How is enduring that abuse a brave act? Isn't that the worst form of cowardice?"

"In this situation, no one is considered a coward. Staying and enduring the abuse or walking away from it, or punishing your abuser are various battle strategies."

He glances at me briefly while navigating the traffic.
"If I rephrase it and say that they all are means of staying alive, would you judge a person based on their choice? If it's a battle to survive would that still be your answer?"
He was laying out the facts, the reality that I thought was my own.

I twist in my seat to face him while he is driving. The windows are wound down letting the gentle breeze waft through carrying the remnants of a sudden thunderstorm that has passed. The view outside after the rain is such a beautiful sight or maybe I find it glorious since I haven't travelled much. It's refreshing after all these months of being cooped up indoors. The leaves were glistening in various shades of green, reminding me of my village. The misty breeze caresses me in a strangely calming way and I'm tempted to give in to it and throw my head back, shut my eyes and sink deep in the seat worry free!

Kabeer begins to speak once we cross the traffic signal.

"Aren't you being a hypocrite Padmini? By not accepting that you had been through life time torture that tore you down, left you bruised and defenceless and finally reshaped you; you are denying yourself the credit of being a brave woman."

He absent-mindedly rubs his stubble, I lean my head back on the window pondering over his words. He falls silent, like giving me time to reflect on his words.

"Say, if your daughter" he drawls,

"Aparna" I interject.

"Aparna was to tell you that she considers herself a coward when she broke down every time people teased her or bullied her while she stammered or had developmental delays..."

"Nonsense! How can that be? She was so strong. Yes, she broke down but every time we guided her and showed her we were there for her support she stood up and tried again. She took her therapies seriously, when she adhered to every word of the therapist, it reinforced her confidence. My daughter is the bravest person. She went through physical, mental and emotional trauma but never gave up hope. I made sure she did not, every time she broke down she would turn to us to speak, to share her pain, she made efforts to heal every time, somebody broke her. She kept getting stronger...."

He veered to the side to a sudden screeching halt and turned around pulling away his glasses, a smug grin plastered across his face. My eyes widened in realisation. That's exactly what he has been trying to tell me.

"Most of the women who go through domestic abuse, don't stay in the relationship because they are willing to sacrifice. They stay due to the fear that their husband's anger might turn towards their children in her absence. This is a fact. I have met women who underwent domestic violence during my service. Earlier in the force, I used to get so angry, because I couldn't understand why women stayed in such situations. But gradually when I got involved in their counselling sessions that's when the therapists explained to us. These women, the victims made us see from their perspective. Major reasons were financial dependency, lack of support from family and to protect the kids."

He let silence and the weight of his words linger like the fog of Delhi's winter and it indeed was choking me. Never had I acknowledged it, not even to myself openly. It was a dark fear lurking at the bottom of my heart. I feared that if I pondered over it for more than a few seconds, I would land up giving it life.
As the smog cleared, the secret was dusted and drawn out of the secret chambers of my heart and the walls came crumbling.

~~~~~

He sat through her violent sobbing session silently as always; not a word was spoken, no judgement passed. Even in that cramped interior of the car, she had her private space, without intrusion; his impassive demeanour was strangely comforting to her. Since it was understood that his intent, thought and action all stemmed from his concern and respect as a human being.

"I... I had always feared that his anger might turn onto Paarth and Appu. If he could harm a pregnant woman, he could very well harm a child too isn't it?" She wipes away the tears that continue flowing involuntarily as the pain of her own words pierce her being as she continued to voice her fear.

"I was scared..." her voice drops to a hoarse whisper as the next words are ready to slip out of her mouth.

Squeezing her eyes shut, "I was terrified... I let him abuse me thinking he could satisfy his animalistic thirst with that. If not he might turn to my child, to Appu. It was like playing a deadly game with a predator, Kabeer. I was keeping him focused on me to save Aparna. If I left or tried to protest, I thought he might turn to her. He was and is a womaniser, and I know how brutal he can be. What if he hurts her? What if he abuses her? What if he sexually assaults my child? After all, that devil needs a woman's body to ravage. He had affair with so many women outside. How long before the line blurs? How can I leave when my child is there like a piece of meat before him?"

Furiously wiping away the tears and sniffling, she missed a faint cracking noise that emanated.

"To tell you the truth, I was scared for even Sneha's safety. I... I'm ashamed to admit, I was making sure that she was never left alone with Chandra at any given time."

Her sadness is replaced with rage, chest heaves with fury, gripping the seat with one hand as the memory of each time she tried to keep watch on Aparna when he was spending time with the children.

"I was looking for signs... as Aparna grew up... I... had to constantly reaffirm with her to talk to me if she was assaulted by anyone when in reality I was raising her under the shadow of a culprit, an abuser. I was also scared if Paarth would inherit his qualities." He let her cry and calm herself down.

"Padmini, I want you to understand and believe that you are not the cause of any of this. Chandrakanth is the one to be blamed and ashamed of. You were persecuted for no flaw of yours. Start by forgiving yourself, don't hold yourself accountable for his actions."

Kabeer's resounding voice did seem to make sense, but still a small part of her was lost and clueless as a naive little child. She was wallowing in thoughts until the car jerked to a stop. Padmini turned towards Kabeer to ask for the house keys when she noticed blood in his right hand.

"Kabeer..." she shrieked "what? How did you get hurt? When?" She frantically reached out to examine his hand.

"It's nothing. Forget it." He dismissed her and got off the car. She ran around to his side in panic to check on him, that's when she noticed his sunglasses fall to the ground crumbled to pieces with bloodstains on them.

She looked at him questioningly and he shrugged.

"Care to explain or do you want me to call Meera?" She confronted him in anger and confusion.

"You want to call my sister who is at the international airport waiting to board a flight to London to tell her about a non-existent wound?"

He questioned her sarcastically, shut the car and locked it and stomped off inside.

"Then stop being a stubborn child and tell me what happened." She ran in and got the first aid kit, he tried to dismiss her. "Didn't I allow you both to care for me?"

"That was because you were kidnapped, starved, drugged and you knocked your thick skull on granite steps. While I'm spotless and fine now." A war of who was more bullheaded ensued.

He kept dodging her whenever she tried to step in to help. She picked his phone and dialled Meera's number when he quickly grabbed it.

"I'm not injured. I don't know what you are talking about and why you're asking me to get treated." He threw the phone and first aid box on the bed.

"Either you are blind or mad. Can't you see the wound, feel the pain? It's bleeding Kabeer you need to get it cleaned and dressed before it gets festered". Padmini was confused about his behaviour. "I know you might have seen serious wounds than this in your service macho man, but that doesn't mean you should ignore this. And nobody is giving you a medal for pulling this stunt. Shut up and sit down now."

He accepted begrudgingly and she began cleaning and dressing his wound.

" I lost control of myself and was angry when you said that you were living in constant fear that your daughter may be abused." He let out a sigh. Her hands paused as she lifted her head to look at him, a lone tear slipped from her eyes.

She finished bandaging and got up, "this is just first aid, better consult a doctor to make sure it's not serious".

"Padmini" he gestured at his bandaged hand "this is an external wound. Yours is internal. Both of them need treatment and care. Just because yours is invisible it doesn't mean it doesn't exist or doesn't need care." She sat back on the sofa, his calm, pleading voice and direct gaze held her attention.

"if you could let someone hurt you, why can't you let someone heal you? Even a child is borne in the womb only for a set period, beyond that it's neither healthy for the mother nor the child. Why bear this wound and pain for thirty years? We all want you to heal, there is nothing wrong with letting go of all of this. It's your past and that's where it belongs. It's like garbage that you're adamantly carrying around. It's not worthwhile! You want to go back to your home now, to help your children because you feel their lives are in danger. It's like walking into a battlefield to help your comrade when you are impaled. Hope you understand!"

Padmini slumped on the sofa, defeated, cried her heart out for hours. He sat beside her offering his presence as support, occasionally stroking her head comfortingly.

Maybe a reassuring embrace, a gentle pat on the back or wiping away her tears, should have eased her pain but he felt helpless and awkward. He had maintained a dignified distance from women always and she had been through the most abusive relationship and he didn't want to scare her.

Date Published: Nov 9th, 2021

Author's note:
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