Padmini's POV

Who am I?

As I analyze, all that crops into my head are the opinions of others which I have accepted and internalized to such an extent that I'm not able to think beyond their description of me. In other words, I have held onto the tags that were given to me, dearly all through my life believing them to be my identity.

I have always sought acceptance from people around me, we all do; from family, loved ones, friends, peer groups, colleagues, society, community everywhere. We seek acceptance and validation and that's basic human nature seeking acknowledgment.

Trying to fit in, so desperately we are ready to please people who matter to us. We turn, bend, flex ourselves, to fit in with the society that we live in, this is adjustment or accommodation, which almost all of us have to do to sail smoothly in life. In a relationship adjustment, love, and forgiveness all need to be mutual. And when it is not, there is a lot of hurt and resentment.

There is this undeniable need to feel accepted, validated, and to belong with someone or somewhere. When this need 'to fit in or be accepted' gets excess or when we let these urges overpower us, we are lost. Our true self or soul, our identity or uniqueness is lost.

Unaware of this, I kept changing myself to suit their expectations, to fit in or be accepted by my new family, constantly. Especially my husband, since I was eternally struggling to gain his love and attention. And at times when I couldn't achieve what he expected out of me, I was once again ridiculed, rejected, and abused which hurt me.

The labels that were given to me by certain people in particular circumstances based on their mental and emotional disposition at that given singular moment, stayed on with me. I picked them up and glued them on my being and kept reinforcing whatever that label said. I just kept limiting myself to that particular experience or incident; believed and reinstated them to myself repeatedly. Nobody taught me otherwise. 

I did try talking to Chandra letting him know that it hurt, the way he was treating me. That all of his opinions and ideas, it's not the truth of who I am. I deny his opinion and try to convince him to see who I'm, accept me for the actual me. He refused to even hear what I have to say because the judgment had already been made.

Internally, I'm in conflict, torn between accepting my fate and trying to break free. I was also not living my life to the fullest or best of my capabilities. I was constantly going around in this circle that, I forgot that there are other aspects to life too. Unexplored talents, skills, or aspects of me that I was hesitant to explore because I refuse to get out of this pit. I'm pushing, fighting, and knocking down these walls around me when in reality there aren't any walls.

I need to acknowledge that I have been hurt, humiliated, and traumatized due to certain people or incidents and they have scarred me. I need to let go of the hurt, pain, memory, and trauma that these experiences have caused me. Instead, I gave them a living space in my soul due to which I have turned into a shell nurturing those depressing aches.

I expected others to accept, love, care, and believe me when I don't do that to myself. What kind of example was I setting for them?

'The urge or need to belong to someone or someplace; makes me cling to something constantly' I remember telling to Sakshi.

'Instead of trying to fit into a place or in someone's life, if you could identify yourself that you belong to the nature or creation out there, there are fewer chances of rejection or pain' words of Sakshi, my therapist. Still figuring out how to achieve this.

There was a point in my life when I was repulsed with myself. I knew whatever was happening to me, was wrong. As a human being, I wanted to step up and object to it but was helpless and powerless at the same time. I could not stand up for myself, protect myself, or my self-respect. I just helplessly stood there watching, weeping, scared to raise my voice whenever he hit me, used me, and abused me physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually too; and I just let him. I let him repeat it over and over again for nearly thirty years. How worthless and pathetic is that? This is how many women suffer silently in the shadows of their own homes in the name of family honor.

The anger, frustration, pain, hurt and humiliation I felt fizzled down when I thought about my kids and my future. Where would I go? Who was there to support me? If I leave what will happen to my children? Chandrakanth is at fault for sure, how can I punish the kids by leaving them alone? Even if take them with me how will I raise them? This was my fear and worry, which prevented me. It's not easy to explain to outsiders. It's not the money. It never was. I have always despised his status and luxury.

It's the conditioning that girls are subjected to, all over the world, over centuries. 'Do all you can to keep the family together, it's your duty.'

Despite years of abuse, gaslighting, and betrayal, I kept looking to him for love, acceptance, and validation, when in reality I knew he would never provide me any of those. 'Maybe if I tried a bit harder to make him happy, he would see my efforts and love me,' that's how I pushed myself every time.

He made me seek and beg for validation even as a mere human and I kept playing into his hands. He made me feel cheap, low, worthless, unloved, and lonely, and I let him. I stayed because the fear of losing the people I loved was more. The fear of being unloved or being alone prevented me because my identity was always attached to somebody. And I thought by being alone I might be lost, forgotten, and ridiculed; I didn't know if I could exist if left alone. In retrospect, I realize it looked desperate and clingy and naturally gave people more advantage over me.

Then things changed. I decided to leave because the fear of losing myself and my sanity became more and I realized that I was more worthy than he can comprehend.

'What broke the camel's back' you ask? His affair with Kayla for the past ten years and inviting her to Aparna's wedding so boldly; stretched my tolerance to its last bare thread. After Aparna's wedding, I had fallen ill and Chandra took off on a trip with her leaving me alone at home and the thread broke.

My ruminations are broken when the nurse came to conduct routine morning checkups, Kabeer stood at the foot of the hospital bed, observing me while I was sitting through the procedure, Meera was on duty in her ward. I haven't spoken to anyone, not even the doctors. I'm using my time and energy to analyze my life and myself and it's high time I did it. The recent events have brought in lot many things into perspective and forced me to rethink my choices. The injury from the fall was not grievous, but I was out senseless for ten days which was majorly due to my physical weakness and blood loss, the doctor said.

Meera said it seemed that I had given up. I wish to ascertain to her that Padmini is done giving up.

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Author's Note:

Dear readers and friends! Extremely sorry for this delay in updating the next chapter. It was really difficult to do justice to writing my protagonists' POV. As a person who was abused her recovery will not happen in a flash at the same time I cannot drag it on like it's a real-life recovery. I wanted to showcase her healing process, she is done enduring and wailing for 30 years. Time for action. 😎

Hope my writing does justice to her introspection.🙏 If not, please do send your feedback, willing to rectify it.
Please do read, vote and share. 

Stay safe, stay happy ❤❤
Anu

Date published: 31 August 2021