i remember that day

when i'd started out, the clouds hadn't seemed so bad

only my mind twisted them that way

otherwise there wasn't much to be had

as i continued on that path

screaming and crying and bloody cursing my heart out

Letting it fly away to the wind's wrath

it grew, slowly, slowly, just like me and that creature that slowly snuck up on me- doubt

as i went so far when i looked back i couldn't see what had been

it was all coming down hard

but i could hardly feel the force of the storms and the wind through the sting

oh, the sting of her words; oh, how they ripped me open and left me bloodily scarred

when the real storm came, i wasn't quite there

i was far away, realizing the insignificance of it all

even if anyone missed me for a bit, they wouldn't after long, so why do they care?

some don't, some shouldn't, but there's only one truth, so why not let me go away, oh so small?

it shouldn't matter

not when so many are starved and ruined and half withered away

all stopping for me would have better luck to try for them- those in need, not those who shatter

go save them, and let me stray

perhaps that's why i stood there, rooted, for the longest time

selfishness

i wanted to hope for a chance that it did matter, but in the end, nothing does, so why whine?

it would be better if i wasn't there in the first place to make that mess

and maybe that's why i stood separate that second time

watching it flash before my eyes

i could do nothing but watch as my clock gently chimed

as the bright bolt struck the earth mere meters from me and in it i saw the lies

the lies i have told

the lies told to me

the person i could have been if only i was better, if i learned to be cold

to it all, to properly stand it, not hiding, not trying to flee

my shirt was soaked through

my shoes were entirely waterlogged

as i ventured on, and on, and on, stupidly, stubbornly, continuing my coup

darting through the lightning under the shady outreach of trees i thought i ought to be flogged

BOOM

i was soaked to the bone

CRASH

i was soaked to the soul

i was so FRIGGIN' STUPID

i was HAPPY THERE

that's what i said to myself

but when i finally got to that crossroads

i found myself stuck

oh, before, i'd made my choice through those tears, i'd chosen my load

so why couldn't i stick to it and go and rush off into the world to test my luck?

in the end, as you may see, i didn't do it

in the end, it had only been four hours

but i was changed, it was changed, and i would never again feel quite the same about my bit

it was forgotten and buried and left behind under a patch of sickly-sweet gardenia flowers