Chapter 30

I stood off the side for a couple of minutes while Esther talked to her grandmother. It took a lot of self control to not eavesdrop, but I reminded myself that if I wanted Esther to trust me, I needed to respect her and go at her pace.

Finally, Esther ended her call, and walked up to me, handing me back my phone.

She wasn't looking in my eyes, and gnawing at her lips.

"Everything okay?" I asked in a voice as soothing as I could muster.

"Huh... yeah... I guess. Well, not really..." she rambled holding her hands together, and moving them around.

"Esther?" I asked, taking a slow, tentative step towards her, leaning my head down so she would look in my eyes.

I wished I could put a comforting hand on her shoulder. I wished I could hug her. I wished I could provide her with even just an inch of comfort.

"I'm sorry.... It's just—"

"Hey," I started to say before she made herself feel worse. "You don't have to apologize about anything to me. You know this, right? Unless you burn my apartment down, you have no reason to say sorry to me."

Esther nodded, her eyes getting a little red, and still gnawing at her lips said in a small voice. "I don't think I should go to my grandmother's place right now."

"That's okay. That's fine," I assured her. "What do you need? To stay at my place comfortably? If we go to a Target, would you be able to find everything you need?"

"I usually just shop at second hand stores."

I didn't want to get her out of her comfort zone, but I was also looking at practicality. I was pretty sure she had no desire for us to roam around town shopping for stuff for her. "It might be a little bit more complicated to find toiletries there."

"You don't need to pay for my stuff," she said.

"I know I don't need to. I want to. Look, I know this is gonna sound awful, but you've seen my apartment, Esther. I'm not in a precarious place financially. Dead parents with huge life insurance kinda set me up for life. So, you don't need to worry about having me pay for stuff. It's not gonna put a huge dent in my bank account to buy you what you need."

"But it's not your responsibility."

I gave her a reassuring smile, hoping she'd stop worrying about making me pay for stuff. "I feel like we've had this conversation before. And I usually win this argument, so just humour me, okay?"

She looked back in my eyes, with her clear one. She really had such lovely eyes. I wanted to take her glass off and lean forward to look at them more closely. I wanted to trace the shape of her eyebrows and brush the tip of my index against her lashes.

"Do you always get what you want?" she said, half smiling.

I chuckled, and started to walk again. She followed. "Honestly? No, never. You're the only one that lets me win."

I let out a laughing breath. "Well, that makes me feel a little less awful about taking advantage of you so much."

"Take anything you need."
"Thank you Nik."

My car was parked on campus, so we headed for it, and then drove straight to the nearest Target.

Two minutes into the car ride, Esther randomly said, "Finnick?"

I gave her a furtive side glance, keeping my eyes on the road. "What?"

"Dominic?"

"Huh?"

"I'm trying names ending in nik."

I snorted. "How lame would it be if my name ended up being Dominic after all your hard work?"

She nodded. "Very disappointing."

"It's not Finnick either."

"Phoenix?"

I scrunched up my nose a bit. "Well, that's Nix, not Nik."

"But close."

"And wrong."

"Annick? Janick?"

"Are you staring to feel the pressure of the countdown to the reveal getting closer?" I teased her.

"I need to figure it out. Honestly, how difficult can it be to figure out a name?"

"So far? It seems to have been quite difficult."

She kinda gapped at me. "Are you implying I'm stupid for not having figured it out?"

She didn't look offended, just mildly amused.

I liked this. I liked this too much. The effortlessness of being with her, talking with her, joking with her.

I liked having inside jokes with her. I like taking care of her.

I think... I really liked her.

"No, no, I wouldn't dare," I said, shaking a hand.

"I'm gonna figure it out."

"I'm rooting for you."

When we reached the Target, and I parked my car, I realized that this was almost going to be like a date.

The ridiculous idea popped in my head randomly like that, and now I couldn't get it out.

We'd done things together before, but never quite like this. Never off campus and never not related to school things, or just desperate need for lodging things.

Sure, this was about getting her basic items for day-to-day life. But it was also kinda just shopping.

If we got a coffee at the Starbucks in the Target, it would be like a coffee date.

If we browsed in the book and music sections, it would make it even more like a date.

It wasn't a date. It shouldn't be a date.

But... but it could be. In another world. In different circumstances.

If Esther liked me even just a little bit. If we were set up, she wouldn't even have to like me for us to go on a first date.

Was this going to be the new me? Would I be this ridiculous and delusional all the time now?

I seriously need to call Blake very soon. Or maybe not. I didn't like his seven-year plan to woo a girl.

I grabbed a cart once we got in, and just because I wanted to entertain my crazy ideas, asked, "Do you want a coffee? A cookie? A sandwich?

Esther shook her head. "I don't like coffee."

"Anything else on their menu?"

"You don't have to feed me all the time."

"Full disclosure?"

"Yes?"

I pushed the cart to the side so we wouldn't be in anyone's way, and explain another lovely part of my childhood trauma, right there in public, because I felt like she needed to know this. "This is gonna get a little sappy though, get ready. My mom had bouts of severe depression. My dad was always too busy with work so sometimes he wouldn't come back home for weeks. And my mom would be too ill to take care of herself. Or me. When you're like four or five years old, you can make yourself cereals, toasts, you can grab cookies from the pantry, but at a certain point, when the food runs out and your mom is locked up in her room, your food options are... well none."

"All long did this last?" Esther asked.

I shrugged. "As long as she was alive. And then longer, because I'd been trained to not ask for anything, so I never wanted to bother my father with needing food."

"I'm sorry."

I just shook my head a little, giving her a smile. "It's not your fault. And I'm okay now. But I was... not super okay for a while there. And alone. Always very very alone."

It felt good to admit these things to her. I wanted her to know I could be there for her, because even if I hadn't gone through something as awful as she had, I understood trauma. I understood fucked up childhood situations to a degree.

I could understand her, if she let me.

"Me too... I'm not super okay. And I'm alone," she admitted in a small voice.

I wished I could hug her again.

"So... yeah. That's why I'm always trying to feed you. I do that to everyone around me. Tyler complained I was going to attract mouses with the snacks I was hiding in our room when we first become roommates."

Esther chuckled at the story. It made me smile to make her smile.

"So? Tea? Refresher? Cookie?" I asked again.

"Whatever you think I might like."

"Are you a sweet tooth? Or more of a savory kinda gal?"

"Sweet tooth."

"Perfect."

I got her a refresher with lemonade and a cake pop.

I was rewarded with another grin when I handed her the order.

I started to push the carriage, as we made our way in the Target, sipping on my coffee.

"I'm gonna let your shop for a little while. I assume there are some things you'd rather not have some random dude hanging around to shop for. I'll be in the Lego section. You can catch up with me once you're done with the more private stuff."

"Lego section?"

"I need to feed my inner child."

She smiled at that, nodding, and then said. "I'll find you."

I smiled back. "I'll be waiting."