Chapter 29

It was a strange experience to try to listen in class when you'd just realized that you liked the person sitting beside you.

It was an even weirder experience when the person you liked was Esther.

Because knowing this, understanding my feelings now wouldn't change anything.

The last thing Esther probably wanted was for me to fall for her.

Usually, when you figured out that you liked someone the next step would be to confess these feelings, see if they were reciprocated.

Esther had barely just started to not jump in her seat when I breathed a little too deeply beside her.

My feelings were my responsibility. She didn't have to deal with them. Dating anyone was probably at the very bottom of her list.

And she was clearly religious. That ought to affect how she would date even if she hadn't been recovering from her past.

Maybe she didn't even want to date anyone. Maybe she was saving herself for the Lord.

So, realizing that I liked her also meant realizing that unfortunately for me, knowing my own feelings couldn't amount to anything. Things between me and Esther had to stay the same.

Because she needed a friend. Not a dude that was actively pursuing her.

Was this how Blake had felt when he'd pined for Lexi? Because this was honestly unpleasant. And it had been a few minutes since I'd come to all of these realizations. Years of this? Unconceivable.

Esther was sitting right beside me, taking her notes, a hint of a smile on her face and I knew I liked her, but there was nothing I could do about it.

What a cruel joke the universe was playing on me.

How was I supposed to just sit there and listen to this lecture when I'd just had a life changing kind of epiphany?

Because I was pretty sure liking Esther was going mean more than just having a crush on the cute barista at Starbucks.

Even if I had very little experience when it came to feelings I understood this much.

It was so strange to have an explanation to so many little things I had thought were inconsequential.

Why I'd wanted to see her all the time. Why I was hung up on so many little details about her. Why I got so defensive anytime anyone brought her up.

I liked her.

She was sitting beside me, and I liked her.

I couldn't stare at her, or reach for her, but I was still sitting beside her and I liked her.

Our professor continued giving his lecture while I kept mentally freaking out, and Esther stayed blissfully unaware.

When the class was finally over, Esther and I started to pick up our stuff.

"So, did you want to go study?" she asked, her voice soft.

Did I want to study? Of course I wanted to go study with her. A couple of hours ago, I would have chalked up my automatic almost knee jerk response to that question because I was getting back into my studies, and because I wanted to prove to people I was taking school seriously. The truth was, sure I wanted to be a good student again, but what I really wanted was to spend even just one more minute in Esther's presence. I wanted to make sure she was okay and happy and I needed to have her in my line of sight for longer.

Because I was worried about her. Because I liked to look at her. Because I had issues.

In a different occasion, this would have me ecstatic, but I was starting to understand the Minnie Mouse beside me.

"Are you asking me to go study because you want to put off going to grab your things at your grandmother, or having me buy you new things?"

"I really need to study," she replied in a smaller voice, not looking in my eyes.

And not I felt like an asshole because I was pressuring her into doing something she clearly didn't want to do.

I needed to go at her own pace, not my own.

"Alright, we can go study now, if you want."

"Okay."

We made our way to the library in silence. Part of me enjoyed that this was enough of a routine for us, that we just knew where we were heading.

Was really down bad, wasn't I? That this simple thing brought me joy.

When we finally sat down at the table we usually used, I whispered, "Did you want to work on our project?"

"I have an essay for anything class to finish," she explained, taking a notebook out of her bag.

I realized she was writing it by hand. She would need to type it on a computer later.

I should remember to tell her she could use my computer back home to do it. Not right now though. Right now, it felt like I needed to leave her alone. The scared mouse had been spooked enough.

She'd looked a little wired when we had first sat down.

It was probably my fault. I was being too pushy. I needed to remember that my relationship with her was different than my other friends. I could be pushy and demanding with Tyler. It wasn't the same with Esther.

But now that she had her mind fixed on something else, her earlier worries seemed to slowly slip away.

She was concentrating on her work, and the light was coming back in her eyes. She kind of gnawed at the corner of her mouth when she had her attention fixed on something.

I was trying not to look at her lips, but failing miserably. Had I always known she had beautiful lips? I felt like I'd always known, and just never acknowledged it. Acknowledging it would have been dangerous.

Staring at Esther could be dangerous.

But it was kind of all I had.

I had just figured I liked this girl. It wasn't a bad thing in itself. I could allow myself this much. Looking at her wasn't bad. Looking at her didn't have to mean anything to her. She just had to sit there. She didn't even have to try to look pretty. She already looked it.

Had I always known she was pretty? I probably did.

"Is something wrong?" Esther whispered, making me jump in my seat.

Caught red-handed.

"Oh, no sorry, nothing wrong, I was just lost in thought," I replied, hoping that my slightly reddening cheek wouldn't betray me.

Fortunately, Esther just nodded and went back to her notes.

I leaned my cheek against my palm, elbow on the table, and red some material for one of my next classes, peeking at Esther as much as socially acceptable.

What was it about her face that drew my eyes in? Was it her round eyes? Her cute button nose? Her plump lips? Her soft rounded chin? The glasses? The short hair?

What was it?

I felt like I needed to stare at her for hours in order to figure it out.

Eventually, Esther's writing slowed down and she started to look around a bit, like she was getting distracted. This usually meant she was done, but waiting for me to finish up.

It was past noon. I should feed her.

"Are you almost done?" I whispered.

"Yes."

"Great, we can go grab something to eat."

"Oh, it's fine, I have food left at the apartment."

Usually I would push more, but as previously established, I'd done enough of it lately, so I let her be.

"Okay, well, let me pack up and we can go."

We gathered our things quietly, and made our way out of the library.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen now. Should offer again to go buy er clothes? Or drive her to her grandma? Should I just leave her alone, and the not see her until our next class and miss her all the while?

I was trying to find the right words to offer her help again, but she spoke first.

"I should call... I should call my grandmother first. If I'm going to grab my stuff... I should... I should call her first."

I would really enjoy it if she started to feel like she could ask me to do things for her without feeling bad.

Hopefully, we were slowly getting there.

"No problem, here," I said, and handed her my phone.

"It's locked."

"Oh, password is 1873." For some reason, I felt like that warranted an explanation so I added, "the year Camillo Golgi found how to colour neurons by mistake and managed to see them under a microscope."

This seemed to lighten the mood.

"So, you're really secretly a science nerd."

"It's only just became a secret in the last couple of years. Before, it was pretty much a known fact."

I wondered for a second how it would have been like if I had met Esther before my father had died.

Would we have been two awkward kids sitting side by side not saying a word?

Probably.

Would I have figured out my feelings faster? Or would feelings have never developed because I would have been too socially inept to strike a conversation?

It was weird to entertain these thoughts.

I gave Esther an encouraging grin and stepped away so she could give her call in peace.

I didn't try to eavesdrop. I wanted her to know that there was someone on her side, that respected her. If I did it enough time, maybe she would be able to fully trust me.

I didn't need her to like me back.

But I would have liked for her to trust me. 

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Hello hello! I'm back. And our lovesick Nik is also back. I quite like lovesick Nik. I'll try to keep the Tuesday uploading schedule for longer this time around. :')

Next week's chapter is already partly written and will be up this week on my Patreon (patreon.com/kariannegiard) but otherwise, we'll see each other next week. :D

Oh and sneak peeks and other news in general are usually on m instagram (at kaygiard)

Alrighty! I think that covers it. Gotta go sleep now. 

Byyyyye! Love you guys!