Author's note: Don't read without the music play the music while reading and cry tears of agony with me.

"I had a happy family, to begin with," Kexing said as he bought a bottle of wine and poured himself a drink since it would be easy for him to talk with some alcohol in his system.

" My parents were well educated and had high paying jobs, my mother was a beautiful woman she was a teacher while my father was a successful doctor,

 brother was... a..what you can say... a perfect person, someone whom I had always admired.

My brother was best of the best, be it academics, sports, cooking, and whatnot, sometimes I used to feel that how in the word this guy can be a human."

A feeling of warmth and proudness erupted in Zhan's heart, being admired by his little brother and to have someone who looked up to him and speak so highly of him made him really delightful.

Even if Kexing does not know that the brother he is speaking of is right in front of him, it still makes Zhan glad that Kexing thinks so highly of him.

Kexing took another sip of the drink.

"He would always take scolding on my behalf," Kexing said with a smile, "When my mother would bring a slipper to beat me my brother would always take the beating for me but in return, I would have t clean his room, and run errands for him" 

Kexing laughed and so did Zhan.

"But he was the best brother for me, we also a had little friend from our neighborhood, together he and us two would play a lot and do a lot of mischievous works.

My brother was very shameless and blunt as well like there was this one time when a boy had bullied me and to take revenge for me my brother literally went to that boy's class and applied glue to the boy's seat and made him sit down on it and when the boy got up his pants were torn." Kexing laughed a little and drank another glass, Zhan didn't stop him either before continuing, 

"All in all life was very peaceful but not for long...one day my parents accepted an invitation to visit some, place..."

Kexing's smile and cheerfulness vanished, his hold on the glass tightened.

"My parents..."Kexing stopped and took a deep breath, and this time directly drank half a bottle in one go "My parents were...killed...and we were made to run, from there."

Kexing said and, his face was becoming red and Zhan could tell that Kexing was already tipsy, Zhan knew that this part was going to come sooner or later but he still felt unbearable sadness.

"What about your brother?" Zhan asked carefully.

"My brother and I ran outside the building all the way to the road but in the middle, my brother let go of my hand and told me that he was going back."

"Why?" Zhan asked desperately he also wants to know that how the hell did he end up with the Xiao's

But Kexing who had finished his one bottle of wine opened another one, and drank a good amount in one go before speaking.

"Well there was one other family with us who had gone to that place, and they were killed as well but  their child, our friend was still inside the building and my brother wanted to save him

But he never came back"

Zhan sat leaned back on the bed and closed his eyes, so that dream when he had seen his little self convincing Kexing to let go was the memory of the day when his parents had died.

Now that Zhan remembers it, in the dream, Zhan had said a lot of horrible things to Kexing even if they were unintentional but Kexing was still young it must have deeply impacted him.

Is that why Kexing thinks that His elder brother that is Zhan abandoned him?

"Then?"

Kexing smiled, his eyelids were heavy, he seemed drunk now and that was quite obvious considering the amount of pretty strong alcohol he drank, it must be painful for him to speak of his past because even after drinking alcohol it was tough for him to speak.

Zhan felt terrible to see Kexing like this, he wanted to say Kexing to stop but he controlled himself and hardened his heart he wanted to know what really happened with Kexing after Zhan left him.

"Then?" Kexing said in his raspy voice, "Then I was left alone on the streets all alone under that damned hot sun for hours before I finally fainted from hunger and dehydration, I waited for my brother to return, for hours I stood there and stared at the direction my brother had left."

Kexing finished another bottle, "I waited and waited but he never came back, after I fainted and woke up in a hospital they told me that my family was dead if that wasn't enough they told me that my brother had gone missing and they pronounced him dead after somedays because they couldn't find him"

Kexing's eyes filled with tears, he tried to stand up but stumbled.

"Kexing." Zhan said and grabbed him, "Sit down, you are drunk."

"I am not I need more drinks."

"No it's enough," Zhan said strictly, "Now tell me what happened after that?"

Kexing became quiet, "After that my uncle and his family took me in...but I would have been happier if they had left me in an orphanage or better killed me instead."

"Why are you saying this?"

"My uncle and his family never like me to begin with, they never liked my parents or my brother or I, they were always jealous of my family after they died I sort of became their pet.

My day would start with beating with a belt and end with a hot iron being pressed on my back, basically, they loved hearing me beg for mercy."

"What..." Zhan said, his voice shivered just by imagining what Kexing had told him, someone actually did this to his little brother?

"This is nothing, I would never be given food until I was on a verge of death, there were times when I would get so hungry that I would go on my knees and beg them to give me food, and then also they would have mercy on my and throw the food on the ground and tell me to eat it.

I, a little child who nothing would have to eat that food from the floor.

I wasn't allowed to drink water from the bottles they used so I drank tap water, My cousins would often play pranks on me,

Their pranks would be like burning my clothes or cutting my hairs," Tears slipped from his eyes, "My mother used to love my hairs she would often comb them for me" I felt horrible when they did that.

Kexing wiped his tears, "This was at home, don't even get me started about the school, they were just like them, the students would bully me because I was an orphan as if that was a very good thing to do and the teachers would just turn blind eye to me.

But the moment I would raise my voice against them everyone would behave like it was the end of the world, I would be suspended, grounded, and beaten tillI faint."

Kexing'stears flew non-stop now and he didn't even bother to stop them, "But that wasn't the last straw the last straw was when they..." Kexing broke down.

Zhan held his hand, "When they..."

"When they burned my family album, my only memory of my family it was gone my parent's smile, my brother, my everything was gone, that was the breaking point, this is why I hate him..."

Kexing said and got up and took another bottle from his closet before drinking half of it.

Zhan also got down from the bed and stood up on his legs, "Hate who?"

"Hate my brother, I hate him for abandoning me and letting me face all that hell alone, I hate my parents for dying, and not taking me with them I hate that kid because of whom my brother left me, I hate everyone and everything."

Zhan took a deep breath and forced himself not to cry, not to let himself break down, not in front of Kexing not in front of his brother.

His brother is already so broken, so hurt, so wounded, Zhan can not be weak, he was never there for his brother, how scared Kexing must be.

How much he must have missed his family. 

Kexing smiled, "You know whar Zhan, coincidentally my brother's name was also Zhan he had these eyes like you and bunny smile like you and mole under his chin just like you.

Sometimes when I talk to you I feel as if I am talking to my brother, my brother whom I have always wanted to meet, I want to know whether he is still alive or dead, What really happened to him.

Or did he just abandoned me"

"No," Zhan said and shook his head, but Kexing didn't hear him.

"Well good for him," Kexing said, "It's good for him if he abandoned me and ran away that way he didn't have to live a hellish life like me, And I can also hate him under the excuse of jealousy and hate."

"No Kexing it isn't like that" Zhan said but Kexing once again didn't listen to him.

"Well Zhan, I wonder where would he be now? if he is alive then does he remember me? Does he know me, I his pathetic loser brother...

Does he know that I am still waiting for him?" Kexing said and stumbled backwards but thankfully Zhan caught him before he could fall.

"Kexing , that's enough you have drunk a lot."

Zhan tried to take the bottle of wine from Kexing's hand but Kexing just pulled his hand back but Zhan was able to snatch bottle.

"Return it!"

"NO!" Zhan said and gave a light pat behind Kexing's head.

Kexing who was already wasted didn't fight anymore, "you know Zhan, I hate this house, this was the house where I used to live with my parents but  I don't like this house anymore, this house reminds me of how beautiful my days were and how I took them for granted and how shitty my life became after that.

But I still couldn't bring myself to sell it you know why?"

Zhan gently haled Kexing sit on the bed, "Why?"

"Because I still think that what if one day my brother will return home one day."

That broke the last thread of strength inside Zhan, he covered his mouth and cried, although he didn't want to cry in front of Kexing he can't take it anymore, although he covered his mouth his body was shivering and the voice of sniffling could still be heard.

While he was living a life of luxury his brother was suffering, while he was eating good food his brother was eating rotten food, while he was receiving all the love from his parents and friends Kexing was fighting for survival.

No wonder Kexing hates his brother Zhan hates himself too.

"Why are you crying?" He heard Kexing's voice, Zhan suddenly got up he felt suffocated but Kexing caught his hand.

"Where are you going? didn't you say that you would listen to me? or are you bored as well, perhaps leave me like my brother."

"No!!" Zhan said and quickly sat down on his knee in front of Kexing.

"I am not going to leave you Kexing, I promise I won't abandon you."

"My parents and my brother made that promise too but they never kept it."

"But I will keep it I promise Kexing."

Kexing smiled, "Thanks, Zhan."

"And you know what Kexing?"

"What"

"You did a very good thing by not selling this house, you are right if one day brother would want to return then this place would be the first place he would think of."

"Really? but would he remember me? would he accept me?"

"Yes he will," Zhan said and smiled, even if smiling was more painful than getting stabbed Zhan still managed to smile, "Yes, he will come and he will remember you he will accept you and he will never abandon you again."

Kexing smiled his eyelids were getting heavier and heavier, Zhan noticed that and gently laid him down on the bed, He covered Kexing with a blanket and sat beside him.

"Zhan."

"Hmm."

"You are really like my elder brother, when I see you I really miss him"

Zhan smiled and gently patted Kexing's head," Yes I know, and your brother also knows that you are waiting for him, he now knows that you miss him and he also knows that you love him, he also knows that you have suffered."

"Then why he is not coming to see me?"

"I am sorry, I am really sorry Kexing please I am sorry." Zhan cried helplessly, "You should hate your brother blame him all you want and when you meet him punch him kick all you want."

"I won't do that..."Kexing said drowsily.

"Then what will you do when you meet him?"

"I will...be...happy...and hug him...tightly..."

Zhan smiled, "Right, he will hug you as well and go on his knees and say sorry to you."

"How...do...you...know that?"

"Because your brother all these things himself."

Kexing smiled and went to sleep.

Author's note: I swear to god this is the hardest and saddest chapter of the entire book,

What was your favourite part? Mine was when Kexing said that he didn't sell the house because he thought that his brother will return one day my god that scene broke me.

I ducking cried an ocean while writing it, and with the music, it became worse, Kexing's suffering and pain were hard to write and at the same time, Zhan's guilt was overwhelming too.

This brotherly bonding was beautiful.